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Original poster

Should have children been told of this incident by the school?

237 replies

Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 20:24

DC quite upset tonight. There was a serious incident at their school and the teacher told them about it. Y3. Nothing that we ever discussed in details, just that there are bad people.
I'd filter particularly gruesome and upsetting news so it's the first time DC heard about something like this.
Was the school right to notify the children before the parents? Should it be up to us to decide how and what we tell the children?
Now I have a sobbing child which never happened before.

OP posts:
Lunde · 04/10/2018 22:51

I am finding the sudden drip feeding of details and speculation relating to the incident, that neither OP or DC has any first hand knowledge of, rather uncomfortable.

AlexanderHamilton · 04/10/2018 23:04

The first of ds’s incidents happened in a private school not a rough one whatever that is.

Jlynhope · 04/10/2018 23:08

Honestly your questions about if the younger child showed the older child their private parts are really creepy. I am a sexual abuse survivor and I'm incredibly uncomfortable with your reaction.

Crystalblue13 · 04/10/2018 23:37

I think it’s good that the teachers spoke to the children about it to keep them all aware and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 05/10/2018 09:03

jacques the opine that I enjoyed this says more about your mindset than micd. I got home late and it was the last thing I wanted to hear that there are issues at school .

And now my child did not come sobbing. They got home at 6.30pm, I came back later, checked on them in the bed, they told me, I left and falling asleep they started crying.
There is a lot people getting pleasure pointing fingers at a 7 yo child being upset. Obviously your children are far more superior. And yes, they never sob - they very resilient usually. But don't let me stop you having a pop at my child.

preston erm, I went to bed, then got up and well was busy. Didn't know I had to mind the thread 24/7 so that you can feel reassured that I come back.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 05/10/2018 09:11

You keep changing your story tbh.

A child sobbing over this is very unusual and quite an extreme reaction. That is what posters are getting at. Instead of focusing in that however you having a pop at everyone as they disagree with you

zzzzz · 05/10/2018 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nicknacky · 05/10/2018 09:19

Are you not concerned that your child is more upset about than would be expected about an incident that has nothing to do with them?

Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 05/10/2018 09:20

I’m not changing my story. Why should I put in every little detail of what happened at what what time and what room.
Is that how you details your posts?
It seems people read the thread and just get an impression of what is being said and when that dorsnt match with reality than it’s the OP’s fault. I never said my child came home sobbing that was another poster I said that I have now a sobbing child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 05/10/2018 09:22

well, they don’t know who the older child is so there is a possibility it can happen again. So I don’t think it’s beyong the realm of logic for another child to be upset. They can be upset for the small child, they can feel now unsafe at the school.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 05/10/2018 09:24

I still think you need to look at your own language as that has fuelled any upset. But I don’t expect you to agree.

Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 05/10/2018 09:24

And I wasn’t getting arsey or whatever with posters who dosagreed with me, I was getting arsey with posters who were dismissive, especially of my child. Would you speak to someone like that in RL?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 05/10/2018 09:26

I would tell a friend that they were over reacting, yes

IceRebel · 05/10/2018 09:29

I'm not sure people were being dismissive of your child, lots of posters, myself included are worried about why your child is so upset about this.

melin · 05/10/2018 09:49

Op,

1- the incident was inappropriate and the school dealt with it correctly. Everyone had the same message and the words the teacher said were spot on.

2- I'm sorry your child is upset. I have a sensitive child who might be upset by a similar incident but the teacher was not wrong.

3- your child was not happy with what the teacher said, this is unfortunate but unjustified. A 7 year old does not dictate what a teacher says

4- the best thing to do is reassure your child, explain that the teacher did not mean to upset them but the teacher was spot on by telling all of the class to protect them in the future.

64BooLane · 05/10/2018 09:59

Literally nobody has been dismissive of your child.

YOU sound dismissive of any possibility that your child’s reaction is unusual/concerning, and may be connected to a deeper anxiety, and that they may NEED YOUR HELP in working out why they’re so distressed. Tons of people are trying to make you see that, and you’re either ignoring them or wilfully misreading it as an attack on your child.

Cannot for the life of me understand you coming back to pick fights on mumsnet and repeating putting yourself/your own ego at the centre of this. Ugh

MadMaryBoddington · 05/10/2018 10:04

Nobody is having a pop at your child. They are commenting that the reaction is unusual - ‘sobbing’ implies great distress. Now you’ve downgraded that to just ‘started crying’. Language matters, op.

And posters were not saying it was an overreaction to have a go at him/her, they were saying it out of concern - suggesting you might want to consider why that is, whether that is because they have been sheltered from bad news or because they have had a similar experience themselves. It may be neither. But you might want to think about it.

tinytemper66 · 05/10/2018 10:20

Private school?

FrancesFryer · 05/10/2018 11:35

Given that year 3 is closer to year 5 than year r and the fact they don't know who the older child is i wonder whether the main message was from the perpetrators point of view and that the "don't show your privates" was an add on at the end.
So it was a telling off just in case it was one of them

budgiegirl · 05/10/2018 13:51

Was the school right to notify the children before the parents? Should it be up to us to decide how and what we tell the children? Now I have a sobbing child which never happened before

Yes, the school were correct to tell the children, in an age appropriate way, it’s a safe guarding issue that needs addressing.

It’s not always appropriate to leave it to just parents to discuss this with the children, as different parents will tell children in different ways, which could leave some children with more information than others - this could cause problems.

OP, you say your child has never been this upset before. I think I would need to get to the bottom of why this is. It could just be that they’ve been shielded from upsetting news before. It could be they have been involved in a similar situation and are now worried about it. Or it could be they are now worried about it happening to them in the future.

I’d be putting less energy into being cross with the school, and more focus on talking to your child about why they are so upset, helping them to feel reassured they have the tools to deal with the situation.

Gazelda · 05/10/2018 15:04

So the school don't know who the older child is. Which means there was an urgent need to ensure all children were reminded about inappropriate behaviour and how to deal with it.
How devastated would you have felt if your child had been a victim of this and you later found out that the school knew about a previous incident but delayed addressing it with the children until parents had been notified?
Give the school credit for dealing with this promptly.

BlancheM · 05/10/2018 15:41

It sounds like quite an unusual step for a teacher to take, actually.
Unless the incident happened a while ago, was fully investigated, the children involved fully safeguarded and anonymous and had prompted a more general lesson in appropriate behaviour and bodily autonomy, privacy and respect supported by the pastoral team....I would be inclined to call bullshit.

cricketmum84 · 05/10/2018 16:21

I actually think it's a good thing that the school have spoken to the kids about this. It's something that you just can't sugarcoat. Even from Y3 they need to know that that isn't ok.

Imknackeredzzz · 05/10/2018 16:31

I too don’t understand why your child was sobbing about this

MaisyPops · 05/10/2018 16:37

BlancheM
Now we've got to the point where OP reclaiming people are enjoying having a pop at their child and doing the whole 'I suppose you are perfect/gave superior children' thing, I'm starting to wonder too.

Either way OP, nobody is having a pop at your child, school acted perfectly reasonably and your take on events is highly speculatory and emotionally charged for something not involving your or your DC. Tell your child if they feel uncomfortable at school to tell a teacher. Then as a parent you need to demonstrate calm and stability as children their cues from adults. The more fuss you make, the more your child takes that on board