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Original poster

Should have children been told of this incident by the school?

237 replies

Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 20:24

DC quite upset tonight. There was a serious incident at their school and the teacher told them about it. Y3. Nothing that we ever discussed in details, just that there are bad people.
I'd filter particularly gruesome and upsetting news so it's the first time DC heard about something like this.
Was the school right to notify the children before the parents? Should it be up to us to decide how and what we tell the children?
Now I have a sobbing child which never happened before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 21:15

I never said if my child is a son or a daughter. Anything else you made up from between the lines of my posts?

OP posts:
64BooLane · 04/10/2018 21:16

OP your instinct for the terminology about this is pretty troubling - from your description so far it really isn’t “sexual abuse” or “sexual attack” - which makes me think you’ve possibly got the tone wrong with your child as well, and that is perhaps why your child is so upset. There is just no need for anyone to be sobbing about this otherwise. As you seem to be viewing it in an extreme way, she’s probably picked up on your alarm/distress.

I sympathise, it’s upsetting stuff from a parent’s POV. But if discussed in an age-appropriate way, it definitely doesn’t need to be upsetting for a child.

SillySallySingsSongs · 04/10/2018 21:16

However, i'm still unsure as to why your daughter is sobbing about the incident, or why you think it was sexual assault.

I am aswell tbh.

IceRebel · 04/10/2018 21:17

the nore sensational take on a tragedy the better.

That's what you seem to be doing with regards to this incident though, you admit to not knowing all the details but throw around words like sexual assault and gruesome.

lifechangesforever · 04/10/2018 21:18

How was it gruesome?

I think there's been a overreaction here. Maybe your child hasn't understood the situation and thinks that something else has happened.

You've been told over and over thay

IceRebel · 04/10/2018 21:18

My apologies I misread and thought you had said DD not DC, the question still stands though as to why they were so upset.

Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 21:19

I never said the incident in question was gruesome Confused. What are you talking about. Are you flipping between different threada and got confused?

This is what I mean - people just making up stuff to come across as they’renin the right.

OP posts:
lifechangesforever · 04/10/2018 21:19

Pressed post too soon.

You've been told that the teacher has approached this correctly but you seem to be sensationalising it more, which won't be helping DC.

lifechangesforever · 04/10/2018 21:20

No. Your original post says that you would filter out 'gruesome and upsetting news', that's why myself and others have picked up on it.

titchy · 04/10/2018 21:21

The news as described to your child would not have been gruesome.

You're very prickly with people here, who have by and large been helpful and explained why the schools has acted responsibly to all its pupils.

Your child's reaction is out of the ordinary. Probably because you've neglected to tell them enough to make them know how to keep themselves safe. There is a very slight possibility though that the upset is due to something else - is it possible they weren't aware of the pants rule?

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/10/2018 21:21

You said you usually shield your child from gruesome and upsetting news, and that it's the first time your child has heard something like this. Naturally people are assuming that what they've heard was gruesome and upsetting. It's a logical inference from what you've stated in your OP.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 04/10/2018 21:21

I think it’s titally normal for the school to have mentioned that.
For one, it’s much better that They learn about it through the teacher than through earsay.
But also i would expect that to be part of the teaching they are doing anyway (same than with stranger danger etc...)

I wouldnt have expected my dc to come back sobbing after hearing about that unless it was painted as the most cruel and horrible thing that could have ever happened to the young child rather than a factual record.

I wouod want to have a chat with my child to understand WHY they are so upset about it.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2018 21:21

the nore sensational take on a tragedy the better

But this is exaywhat you are doing. Gruesome bad people sexual attack

Either your DC has been really excessively sheltered or has been presented by you with a really dramatic idea of what happened at school.

The school on the other hand are presenting a factual age appropriate account of the incident.

RomanyRoots · 04/10/2018 21:22

Bloody hell, when I was at school it was I'll show you mine if you show me yours all the time at this age, it's normal.
It shouldn't be taken lightly though and the children should be educated as we were 40 odd years ago.
We were told about our bodies being private, it just wasn't called PANTS.

Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 21:23

And I’m not sure why people are tryung to sell this as a curiosity brtween children. Older, bigge person following you to the loo and asking/ forcing/ making (take your pick) you to show their privates.
I’m really not going to quote/ unquote what my child said that the teacher said, this is faurly identifying as it is.
I asked whether it was the usual way to tackle those things at school and I’m happy to listed to dofferent views. However the pile on and the nitpicking (at things I did not say) is quite extraordinary.

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 04/10/2018 21:23

I would be very concerned Cashews that if your child is sobbing about this incident, even though they didn’t witness it and weren’t involved that there may be some deeper root for their distress.

Has something like this happened to them or have they witness something similar.

Being shocked by the incident and wanting to discuss it is one thing, “sobbing” is quite another.

My Dc is upset because someone bigger hurt a small child

They must presumably have witnessed older kids being unkind to younger kids at some point during their three year school career?

It seems unlikely that even in the best schools they haven’t witnessed a fight or observed a big kid pushing a little kid out the way in three years?

Sobbing is an disproportionate reaction to an event they didn’t see.

I’d be asking more questions.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2018 21:24

It isn’t good and it needs to be addressed but it’s really far from unusual.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 04/10/2018 21:24

My DS has just started reception and finds the bigger children a little intimidating. I don't think it's on his radar that one could follow him into the toilets and try to make him do something. Or that one would be deliberately mean in any other way. I can see that he would find it upsetting that this could happen and I can imagine others would, not sure what all the Hmm is about.

I think the school were right to talk to all the children about the incident, in part to allay any fears and to make it clear that it is not acceptable.

My only question to them would be what measures are they taking to prevent it happening again.

cantkeepawayforever · 04/10/2018 21:24

What was it the first time they had heard about?

The PANTS rule? Covered in pre-school, IME.

An older child asking a younger child to do something they shouldn't?

One child asking another to show them their privates? 3-5 year old behaviour, see above re PANTS rule.

I think we have to ask why your child is so upset. Is there a chance they have been involved in something similar, as victim or perpetrator, and are now worried they will be in trouble or it is bringing back memories that they don't like?

Fairenuff · 04/10/2018 21:24

OP most schools get the NSPCC in to give the PANTS talk. It's part of educating and safeguarding children. Perfectly normal.

64BooLane · 04/10/2018 21:25

Jeez, OP. You’re pretty hard work.

My suspicion, going purely by your tone and apparent total lack of self-awareness on this thread, is that your child is upset mostly because you haven’t been careful enough about your own reaction.

Poor kid. Why not stop scrapping with randoms on MN and have a think about how to reassure him/her?

IceRebel · 04/10/2018 21:25

or has been presented by you with a really dramatic idea of what happened at school.

I'm also wondering if it's the OPs reaction to this that has upset their child more than necessary. I just can't see how a teacher reminding children about PANTS has caused sobbing, or why the OPs child thinks the other child was hurt.

Nicknacky · 04/10/2018 21:25

The teacher will not have went into details. Not at all.

Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 21:25

titchy now I’ve neglected to tell y child how to keep themselves safe? Really? How? they know their body is private and that no one should touch them especually in underware area.

OP posts:
colditz · 04/10/2018 21:27

COuld it be, Cashews, that your child was crying because you massively overreacted and they thought you were angry with them?