Should have children been told of this incident by the school?

[Cashewsandhummus]

DC quite upset tonight. There was a serious incident at their school and the teacher told them about it. Y3. Nothing that we ever discussed in details, just that there are bad people.
I'd filter particularly gruesome and upsetting news so it's the first time DC heard about something like this.
Was the school right to notify the children before the parents? Should it be up to us to decide how and what we tell the children?
Now I have a sobbing child which never happened before.

I think it was appropriate for the teachers to talk to all the children about this in an age appropriate way. Ensures they get a consistent message/ understanding and the kids are confident what the rules are and that the teachers will support them if they have any concerns.

Teachers talk to kids about private parts/ pants rule etc from a young age anyway.

The school were absolutely correct in talking about this as long as both the children involved were not identified.

When you said your child had come home sobbing I thought you were going to say something like a classmate had been killed.

I’ve gone over the PANTS rule with my DD since she was tiny. By yr 3 she was more than aware. You don’t have to be graphic in going through it with them but you have to make your children aware that certain things aren’t right.

I’m sorry your child was upset by teacher telling them but I think you can’t always hide them for the realities of life.

Why has your child come home sobbing about this?

TBH I don’t agree with shielding children from this sort of thing anyway given it happened between two children it was very likely going to end up being talked about in the playground somewhere and there would be no control over how it came out.

I would be far more concerned over the sobbing child and be wondering if they’ve been over protected from the world around them.

I also don't understand why your child would be sobbing? Surely it was a discussion about why this behaviour is not acceptable and that they should always tell if it happens to them. Were the words 'sexual abuse' actually used ?

My Dc is upset because someone bigger hurt a small child

You said an older child asked a younger child to show them their privates, it can't have been nice for the younger child but no one got hurt.

obviously my DC didn't say "sexual abuse" but clearly knows that what happened is very wrong.

ice Sorry, forcing a child to show their genitals is not sexual abuse? Sexual attack then? Is that better? How would you describe it?

So the teacher will have said “we have heard that someone from another class has asked younger children to show them their private bits in the toilets. If someone asks you to do this .... (and so on and so on)”

What’s the issue? It is actually an important topic for schools to cover to open up the dialogue so if a child does feel uncomfy with something like that, at home or in school, they know they can discuss it.

OP in your initial post you said that the child had asked the other child to show them their genitals. Now you say he forced them to. 2 very different scenarios of very different severity, one of which I would consider inappropriate behaviour, the other criminal.

You're being inconsistent in your description of what happened. Now you're describing it as an assault where your original description was one of inappropriate behaviour but not an assault.

I wouldn't describe it as sexual at all, in most cases this is childhood curiosity which is why a reminder about PANTS is appropriate.

I don't see what the issue has been - the school is responding to an issue and working to safeguard, but educating them. I imagine they've used a real life example because it's easier to understand.

Really? As you say teacher would not go into the details so we do not exactly know what happened but that on its own is bad enough. The child was scared. We're not talking about two 5 year olds showing each other "their bits".

I asked but you might have missed it, surely your child knows there are people that do “bad” things?

'Class, we've had some issues where a child has asked another child to show them their privates. You all know that this is not okay and if anyone does this to you, or your see or hear this then you must tell a teacher/dinner lady straight away' ... now watch the NSPCC pantasaurus video.

Okay, back to partitioning.

I can't see a huge issue here, nor a valid reason for your DC to be sobbing!

well how would you describe it. A y5 or Y6 following a YR child into the loo and forcing them to show their genitals.

It really doesn’t matter how we, or you describe it. None of us were there.

I'm assuming the kids are quite young? Kids showing each other their bits at primary or asking to see them is within the realms of normality, if far from ideal. Especially in the younger years where bums and farts are considered the height of humour. It's a good prompt to revisit the pants rule.

I think the teacher was right to talk about this to the class. They can't garuntee that all parents will talk to their children (you've already said you shelter your dc) and it's important that the children know in case something similar happens to them, copycat type thing in the school or if the older child does it again.

There will also be rumours and other children will talk and I think it's also important the teacher tells the class to avoid witch hunts or the exaggerations. It almost minimises the excitement of the incident, whilst reinforcing it's seriousness.

I wouldn't call this sexual abuse, assuming this is still a primary school child I would be more concerned actually about the older child who asked the question rather than the younger child.

My dcs would think it was weird but wouldn’t be upset about it. The reaction is a strange one.

The school has a duty of care to children, cannot rely on parents to pass this information on, and would not want them to hear it from other children.

Discussing it with the children was the appropriate thing to do.

My children have been taught the underpants rule by school since age 3 (and it was discussed at home earlier)
I'm sure they would have just explained simply that older child had asked younger child to do something they shouldn't have and then ran through the underpants rule again.
I'd have no problem with my children's school doing that and don't really understand why your child is upset.

Would you rather nothing was said? Maybe there are concerns it may have happened before and would like to encourage others to come forward in confidence if so. There are certainly issues within the school that such an incident could occur.

Cashews, it’s hard to work out what the teacher actually said. And why your child was sobbing. I do think that the school should approach this with the children, but I hope it would be done in a sensitive way. If it wasn’t done sensitively then of course YANBU

Also bear in mind that most mainstream schools have quite a few children in each year who won't grasp social rules in the same way as their peers.