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Original poster

Should have children been told of this incident by the school?

237 replies

Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 20:24

DC quite upset tonight. There was a serious incident at their school and the teacher told them about it. Y3. Nothing that we ever discussed in details, just that there are bad people.
I'd filter particularly gruesome and upsetting news so it's the first time DC heard about something like this.
Was the school right to notify the children before the parents? Should it be up to us to decide how and what we tell the children?
Now I have a sobbing child which never happened before.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 04/10/2018 21:27

I can see that he would find it upsetting that this could happen and I can imagine others would, not sure what all theis about.

@MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly OPs DC is in Y3 not reception though.

Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 21:27

Grin I had no reaction when my child told me other than „oh really? What else the teacher say?” And other aha and umm.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/10/2018 21:28

You are being ridiculous op.

I'll never forget the day my d's at the age of 10 along with the rest of the pupils in his school were told by the teachers that one of their classmates had been murdered by a member of his own family. Now those kids did have a reason to be sobbing and the school done the right thing by telling them.

Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 21:28

Yes colditz that is what happened Grin

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 04/10/2018 21:29

Your reaction here is over the top. I didn’t react like this when my own child was touched inappropriately by another pupil. I remained calm and didn’t rant about it online and make it sound worse than it was.

Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 21:30

There have to be some rough schools some of your children must go to. Yes round here it is an upsetting news.

OP posts:
titchy · 04/10/2018 21:31

So why is your child reacting so strongly? That's what you should be exploring, not whether the school acted appropriately, which I hope you now agree the did.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2018 21:32

There have to be some rough schools some of your children must go to

I went to a very naice rural primary school and a handful of really tragic things happened in the time I was there. It’s the law of averages sadly.

Nicknacky · 04/10/2018 21:32

Nope, mines one of the best in the area and in an affluent area. Its not upsetting news at all, you are over reacting.

IceRebel · 04/10/2018 21:33

There have to be some rough schools some of your children must go to. Yes round here it is an upsetting news.

But it's not upsetting. Your child was probably told that there had been some inappropriate behaviour today in the toilets, reminded about PANTS and that's it.

I'm not sure how that's upsetting enough to have a child sobbing

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 04/10/2018 21:34

There have to be some rough schools some of your children must go to. Yes round here it is an upsetting news

What a cock!! 😆 Nothing like these gruesome sexual attacks happen at nIce schools

Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 21:34

I’m not ranting. I don’t know why the default for this thread is to ridicule and dismiss - disagree would be enough. And actually I asked a question so there was nothing to dissagree, just reply.
I’m surprised you’re at odds as to why I’m being defensive when abou 75% of replies are showing faux surprised at my child being uspet. Children are different, no? And I asked for advice but got snooty responses.

OP posts:
cantkeepawayforever · 04/10/2018 21:34

So why is your child upset, and what is different about what the school said from what you would have said yourself? I genuinely don't understand why a child in Y3 would be upset by

a) the PANTs rule
b) it being wrong to show others your privates or ask someone to show you theirs
c) the concept that another child might ask this (though it would usually have been a peer)
d) the idea that an older child might tell / ask / suggest to a younger one that they might do something 'against the rules'

64BooLane · 04/10/2018 21:35

Oh, passive-aggressive grinning smilies. ok

Not sure why you posted, OP, or how you can be bothered to squabble and point-score on a thread like this? You sound utterly convinced of your own rightness anyway so I’m not sure there’s any point anyone replying.

Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 21:35

titchy i am exploring that because my chuld said they didn’t like the way the teacher said it.

OP posts:
MillieMoodle · 04/10/2018 21:35

I don't think the school have done anything wrong here. Presumably they dealt with it sensitively and reminded the children about safety and making sure they tell a teacher if anyone asks them to do anything they shouldn't. I can't imagine they went into great detail? I can't see what your child is upset about if they weren't involved in the incident? Were they just frightened to know something bad had happened at school? I think that would be understandable.

DS's school has had to deal with upsetting news - a child passed away very unexpectedly a couple of years ago in extremely tragic circumstances (at home). The child's classmates' parents were called into school and told, then the classmates were told whilst their parents were present. By the end of the day pretty much all the parents knew, but no-one was sure what was true and what was rumour. The staff sent out an email the next morning (once the children were already in school) explaining that a child had passed away, that the rest of the children would be told that day, that counsellors would be on site for the foreseeable future and asking parents not to speculate on what had happened, especially in front of the children or on the playground. The children were told class by class, so everyone heard the same thing (age appropriate) and there was no need for playground gossip. YrR & Yr1 weren't told by the staff, the school were very open about their reasons for choosing not to tell them in the same way as the older children, but most were made aware by their parents. The school were very clear on what they felt was age appropriate to disclose. We chose to tell DS (then Yr1) as he knew the child concerned, although we didn't go into any detail. He was very upset but the school were amazing and dealt with it all so sensitively and supportively for the children.

There's no rule book for how to deal with these things. The staff have to do what they think is in the best interests of all the children, no matter how upsetting the information may be to share. I'm sure they will have carefully considered how best to make the children aware of the situation.

KMoKMo · 04/10/2018 21:36

@Cashewsandhummus what did your child actually say? Did they repeat what the teacher told them? Was there any point after they were told they would have discussed it with other children? Were other children upset from what you saw? Have you discussed it with any other parents?
It does seem a bit of an extreme reaction so it’s be helpful to know the exact details of what your child has said and if they’ve possibly been influenced by anyone else.
What have you said to them to reassure them?

Original poster
Cashewsandhummus · 04/10/2018 21:37

64 did you just pop on here to say this? I’m relly to the dissmissive tone - should I have capnin hamd and say, thank you for all the Hmms?
I’m just matching the tone of the answers I got.

OP posts:
Josiebloggs · 04/10/2018 21:37

Its unfortunate that your child was upset but I think the school were totally correct to do this fron a safeguarding perspective. If they know for a fact this has happened at the school they need to know that each and every child in their care know this behaviour is not suitable and that they need to speak out if it has happened to them. They could email the parents but then some wouldn't bother telling their DC, some wouldn't in case it upset them, some parents would tell their DC and then they would talk about it in the playground and details would get changed.
The children have all been told the same thing at the same time to protect them all. The school made a good decision.

SillySallySingsSongs · 04/10/2018 21:37

There have to be some rough schools some of your children must go to

Nope. Try again...

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/10/2018 21:37

People aren't nitpicking, they're trying to understand a very unclear explanation. No one knows what it is that has upset your child so that they are sobbing. It is an unusually extreme reaction to the teacher talking in general terms about safety and the PANTS rule (assuming what was said). No one is expressing faux surprise - they are genuinely surprised at the reaction! Hence asking more questions!

FunSponges · 04/10/2018 21:39

Of course the schoo, should address this. It is highly inappropriate behaviour and where it came from needs looking at from a safeguarding perspective. But you and your child are massively blowing this up. I'm gobsmacked your child is sobbing over this.

YorkiePudBornandBred · 04/10/2018 21:39

I think you should be proud of the school and teachers considering this could have been brushed under the carpet and ignored.
The school has outlined the incident for children who may or may not have known this behaviour is not acceptable.
Also to show them that if anything like this ever happened to them they know that it is wrong and could speak to a teacher about it.
I'm sorry your child is upset but you cannot wrap them in cotton wool forever and pretend that these types of things are not to be discussed especially when it happened in their school.

MrsAmaretto · 04/10/2018 21:40

I think the school were right to speak to the class, but I would have wanted them to also inform parents by email. For follow up I’d hope the school would then roll out the Pant rule stuff from NSPCC.

I’m assuming a Y3 pupil is about 7? I’m not in England.

If your child was a witness to the incident or knew the children involved I can see why they might be sobbing, otherwise it is quite an emotional reaction and yes that would worry me.

My 8 year old’s class watch Newsround everyday, so if you are “protecting” your child from that level of detail about the world you may be doing them a disservice.

Prestonsflowers · 04/10/2018 21:40

You had the responses because you appeared to be pissed off that not everyone agreed with you.
You called the incident gruesome and upsetting
You said an older child asked a younger child to show their privates
Then you said force was used
Then you said it was sexual assault, then sexual abuse
Then you said the teacher didn’t go into details, so you don’t actually know what happened
Then you said you reacted calmly but your child was sobbing and upset
Then you started personally attacking posters who asked for more detail
No wonder you’ve had these responses