Just asked DH to get a vasectomy

[prettymuchaceleb]

Here's to hoping he goes and gets one! His main concern is lasting pain long after the op(although I pointed out how I have had episiotomies and c sections and they had slight pain ) , any horror stories or is it mostly ok?
I'm hoping to rejuvenate our sex life somewhat also, after years of being on the blasted pill.

But you cannot make out that a man is weak etc (thought we had moved on from this kind of crap where men have to be strong etc) for not wanting surgery that could result in lifelong pain

Well of course I can. Women get pregnant, knowing there's a risk of death, for heaven's sake.

So a man who won't risk anything at all absolutely is weak. Weaker than most woman, certainly.

Maybe he just needs to woman up.

@QuackPorridgeBacon
Oh come on, let's be sensible here, advocating celibacy is not a viable long term solution for most loving couples that don't want more/any children. So essentially you're saying that both parties withdraw sex and whoever caves first will be the one to get permanently sterilised. It doesn't sound like great, responsible decision making to me. I also think you completely disregard that the man has little incentive to opt for a vasectomy if they just consider their own position as they are not the ones that end up with the majority of the consequences relating to unplanned pregnancies.

From a man's perspective he can choose to not get a vasectomy and risk unplanned pregnancies which SHE will either have to abort or SHE will have to carry and give birth to the baby. Even using condoms is only 80 percent effective so although this seems like a neat, nonpermanent solution the effects of a failure will still sit overwhelmingly with the woman. Most couples also don't like using condoms so inevitably the onus fall to HER to start pumping her body full of hormones.

Or the man could choose to have a vasectomy in which cases HE will have to deal with any resulting side effects.

You can see why the "business case" for a man isn't that strong when he knows that by simply choosing to not have one then the woman will almost certainly be the one saddled with the responsibility. Pretending that we exist in an alternative reality where couples can just carry on in a celibate relationship forever or that condoms are the answer is just disingenuous and ultimately hurts women. Men opting to not have vasectomies leads to more unplanned pregnancies, more abortions and more women pumping their bodies full of hormones. This is fact.

Having a vasectomy is perhaps the only feminist action a man can perform.

So do it, you weaklings

Until a hormonal contraception for men exists, this is the best option they have. That and condoms of course but condoms aren’t many people’s favourite and they’re quite expensive.

I do believe it’s only fair men do this after their partner/wife has experienced possible miscarriages or abortions, pregnancies and childbirth as well as the many side effects from contraceptives.

Not just until a hormonal contraceptive for men exists - until men (en masse) will tolerate the side effects of it. Look at what happened with the recent trials, halted due to side effects which are familiar to many many women taking hormonal contraceptives. But because we bear the physical consequences of pregnancy, women are typically going to be more willing to tolerate side effects.

Personally I'm done with hormonal contraceptives, they universally make me feel shit. Once this baby is out I'm also very definitely done with reproducing! DH has willingly said he'll go for a vasectomy but if not it would be condoms. I am done with messing with my body, and my local health trust won't sterilise me for several years yet due to age (DH is older)

So, after going in today, all set for a vasectomy...yet another doctor has told DP that a vasectomy will be difficult due to previous scarring (long story) and he now wants to wait for another specialist.

7 different times DP has been told his vasectomy will be more dofficukt than an average vasectomy.

He is still 100% willing to do this bwcause he knows my body cannot take any more. And he wouldn't expect me to go through surgery to have my tubes tied when i am the one who has had 5 pregnancies, 3 live, vaginal births (one of them nearly 11lbs) one miscarriage and one abortion.

He sees it as the least he can do, despite him having to go under GA for it and it being more complicated than most vasectomies.

British Association Of Urological Surgeons, this guidance says that vasectomy is the single largest cause of their surgical litigations.

Tells you a lot on the profile of what is being pushed at men here, by any emotive or "rationalising" means available.

www.baus.org.uk/_userfiles/pages/files/professionals/surg/TJW-Vasectomy.pdf

No surprise there is there considering it will be one of the few 'opt in' procedures.

You're much less likely to sue if they messed up your bladder cancer op.

Plus it will almost certainly have a lower average age at which the surgery is performed than the vast majority of procedures which gives a far longer period for people to experience side effects.

Once again - nobody is saying it's risk free.

It comes with risks - but they're utterly swamped in the context of the risks put upon women.

1. Women are willing to face up to these risks. They have no choice.

1. Many men are willing to face up to the risk of vasectomy. They do have a choice.

1. A subset of men are not. These

Men also have a choice - their choice is to leave the woman to face a series of much more serious risks.

This is the issue. And it's quite clear that one group of men stand head and shoulders above the other.

I’m struggling to understand how a woman has no choice but to become pregnant if her partner doesn’t want a vasectomy. I know an ideal relationship isn’t sexless but if neither want to go through using birth control then what can you do? Can’t guilt someone into doing it or call them names if they don’t, you either don’t have sex and if one of you feels more strongly about wanting sex, they can sort something out or you break up. But to say that a woman is forced to become pregnant is, confusing. I don’t get it, surely you got pregnant and went through the risks because you also wanted a child? If you didn’t, why did you put yourself through pregnancy for someone else?

The rate of serious post op complications is 1-2% in the US, where no scalpel and minimally invasive techniques are the standard of care. There's no reason why a surgeon in the UK using the same techniques would have different outcomes. So to the men in the UK I would suggest finding a urologist who will use the more modern surgical techniques or visit NYC on holiday and have it done here.

And for the record, DH had his done 16 years ago using the older technique and was fine after three days rest. He didn't moan about it either.

Look at what happened with the recent trials, halted due to side effects which are familiar to many many women taking hormonal contraceptives.

No, apparently their side effects were milder. So shelve that immediately...

Same thing here. His body, his choice. Keep taking the brunt ladies. What's one more round of long term contraception that may be painful or mess with your hormones? What's one more pregnancy/childbirth/miscarriage/abortion? We're used to it! My friend's DP described the twinges his mate gets post-vasectomy as a cautionary tale, why he shouldn't ever consider it. She described the twinges she gets from her IUD. Should she get it removed? No!!

Well you've also got that long=standing misogyny screwing with that report, whereby men will speak up and be dealt with, whereas women suffering with incontinence, scarring and other side effects after birth are often ignored and told just to get on with it. Please let's not pretend 'for God's sake you've only had a baby, we all do it' doesn't happen. We are absolutely supposed to accept and wear the long term pain and other after effects of childbirth with a smile as part of the joy of motherhood.

@QuackPorridgeBacon
I’m struggling to understand how a woman has no choice but to become pregnant if her partner doesn’t want a vasectomy.
Getting pregnant isn't always a choice and unplanned pregnancies are relatively common when using some of the alternative methods of contraception (condoms are only 80% effective)
Vasectomiess are a far superior method of contraception in terms of how effective they are at preventing pregnancy.

I know an ideal relationship isn’t sexless but if neither want to go through using birth control then what can you do? Can’t guilt someone into doing it or call them names if they don’t, you either don’t have sex and if one of you feels more strongly about wanting sex, they can sort something out or you break up. But to say that a woman is forced to become pregnant is, confusing.
This is just ridiculous. Very few people would be happy to stay in a completely sexless relationship and also very few would be happy to leave their otherwise happy marriage and break apart their families because of this issue. So if the man refuses to have a vasectomy where does this leave everybody? As we know condoms aren't very effective so looks like the woman either takes responsibility for contraception or dices with unplanned pregnancies and all the repercussions. Great!

I don’t get it, surely you got pregnant and went through the risks because you also wanted a child? If you didn’t, why did you put yourself through pregnancy for someone else?
Unplanned pregnancies and a reluctance to terminate said pregnancies can result in unintended children. Not everyone agrees with abortions and they in themselves can have a big physical and mental toll on a woman. Not every child born is wanted in the way you imply it is. I know that sounds terrible but you just need to read certain boards on this forum to see that it's absolutely true.

Well indeed SharpLily - I've got a second c section booked but my area has now started doing "enhanced recovery". I was particularly interested to read that, after having major abdominal surgery, they'd be aiming to release me after 24 hours and that I should ensure I had paracetamol and ibuprofen at home as this is the recommended pain relief. 24 hours after having your abdomen cut open...

So... a woman saying no is also forcing it into the men, right? So why is one better than the other?

Because by the time vasecomy is even being considered, the female half of these couples has usually dealt with more than twenty years of dealing with reproductive crap (prgnancy, birth, probably miscarriage, contraception, smear tests, etc, etc).

VasecTomy. Blah.

Oh, and the recovery from my section was the most difficult and complex medical thing I ever had to go through.

Salmonella's still the worst illness, though.

Unfortunately, salmonella chooses you, not the other way around.

So... a woman saying no is also forcing it into the men, right? So why is one better than the other?

Because up until that point, the man has done little other than orgasm a few times.

I think this thread is having the opposite effect on me. My pregnancies and child birth were highly enjoyable, I loved breastfeeding. So having got away Scot free I am not sure I want to subject dh to the 10% risk of permanent pain. I think we will stick to the condoms and a bit of rhythm method.

A woman does not have to conceive, or if that occurs by mischance, does not have to take the pregnancy to term, if she is disinclined to risk her body.

She will be risking her body simply by conception. Being pregnant is more dangerous than not, and neither miscarriage nor abortion are without risk.

The idea that it's somehow unfair to suggest that men ought to take responsibility here as they don't take responsibility for pregnancy and birth is bemusing. I mean, it's biology. Biology isn't fair. Men don't have the option of experiencing pregnancy and birth, they do have the option of permanent sterilisation carrying much less risk than women do and usually more easily accessible as many trusts won't sterilise women now. Lots of men would rather have the woman's side of the coin, lots of women would rather have men's, but we are where we are. With this in mind, it's not unfair to suggest that men ought to take responsibility in one of the small ways they're able to.

My DP said he’d get one after the last baby; that was over a year ago. Now it turns out it wasn’t the last baby after all. Oops.... just got a big fat positive with baba number 4. One of us is gonna have to do something after this one! Seriously! I know I’ve said it before but this is the last one!

My friends partner did it after their twins brought their brood up to a total of 5. He said it wasn’t so bad and enjoyed the fact that he’d been able to blag a few unnecessar, paid days off work by exaggerating to his boss.

Bumpitybumper You make some valid points and I do agree. I just can’t call a man names for not wanting the surgery. My first was unplanned but we took it very well, I understand not everyone would and honestly, if I fell pregnant now I wouldn’t be happy I don’t think, so I do agree with the points you’ve raised and I was too black and white about it. I still don’t agree to calling a man weak though.