Just asked DH to get a vasectomy

[prettymuchaceleb]

Here's to hoping he goes and gets one! His main concern is lasting pain long after the op(although I pointed out how I have had episiotomies and c sections and they had slight pain ) , any horror stories or is it mostly ok?
I'm hoping to rejuvenate our sex life somewhat also, after years of being on the blasted pill.

After over 20 years on some pill or other.

A couple of missed MC's one quite late on I'd decided I'd had enough of being on drugs or messed around with.

I presented it as an option.

Eventually he agreed as I insisted on condoms in the interim and he wasn't too keen.

The whole procedure took 18 mins from arriving at car park to him coming out.

My DH went to (watch!) a rugby game the day after his, and for some unknown reason, after a few drinks, ending up having to scale some 10 foot fence.

But yes, I'm supposed to feel sympathy for the poor wee souls scared of the 10% risk.

Yes to this post

What a turn off

"Yes. It is.

Resentment-filled sex really can't be great sex.

But again, men who won't have vasectomies don't care."

'But yes, I'm supposed to feel sympathy for the poor wee souls scared of the 10% risk.'

Apparently so

DP wouldn't show me his 'surgery' as we referred to it.

He admitted after some time that was because it was so minuscule, that he knew his already low level sympathy was in jeopardy

My DH was really squeamish and nervous, however, when the only option was condoms he took himself off, organised it, booked a taxi and got it done.

I love him more now literally and metaphorically.

If you don’t want to get pregnant then you don’t need to. The options aren’t great but they are there. You go into a relationship and both wanting children, knowing the risks and who it is that has to be pregnant and deliver the baby. The man doesn’t exactly have the choice to carry does he? So whatever his reasons for not wanting a vasectomy, they are enough for him to say no.

How does the last sentence follow from the rest? The implication here seems to be that because everyone knows women are the ones who have babies, and presumably that men are the ones with access to the less risky and more straightforward form of sterilisation, that this is a reason to say no? Could you clarify?

I don't like the idea of calling someone weak because they have legitimate fears. Some men won't get a vasectomy because they are arseholes but I imagine some men are just completely scared of the risks the same way some women are scared of the risks of childbirth etc.
You can chose to think what you like about your own husband if he choses not to entertain the idea but to generalise and call men weak and childish for having fears is unfair. I don't like this idea of men should be strong etc. It's name calling and I don't think it's conductive to an argument. Discuss the risks as adults, explain that if they don't have a vasectomy it's condoms or no sex for life, don't call them names.

Having fears then not going through an 18min operation in order to prevent immense harm and risk to your wife DOES make you weak and childish though.

There just isn’t two ways about it

That would be why vasectomies are booming then?

www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-4952560/Vasectomies-63-decade.html

The health service hate women. What else is new?

They are weak, if they just don't do it. If they opt out, and out, and out.

I get there's a risk, I get it's 'scary'. But you put your big boy pants on, and you do it.

And why shouldn't I call random, faceless men that I will never meet names?

It's not my husband that won't do it.

@Dobbythesockelf
Using descriptive words to accurately describe people's behaviour isn't the same as "name calling". Sometimes men act in a weak or cowardly way and it's not wrong for women to point this out and it is not tantamount to saying that men must always be strong. They may well be afraid of the potential side effects of the procedure, but as adults we all have a real responsibility to weigh up the risks against the benefits to ourselves and our loved ones. The hard reality for lots of women is that the man often thinks the woman will take responsibility if they fail to, therefore when viewed from a purely selfish perspective there is little incentive for a selfish man to volunteer for a vasectomy and the risks it involves.

Discuss the risks as adults, explain that if they don't have a vasectomy it's condoms or no sex for life, don't call them names
Condoms are reported to have only an 80% effectiveness rate, so I would encourage any couple to think long and hard before going down this route. I also think an adult discussion for most people wouldn't involve remaining celibate as a sensible and realistic option so it is actually more mature to acknowledge this rather than play the game of pretending that this is any kind of a solution.

Like it or not vasectomies are objectively the most sensible solution for lots of couples that have mutually agreed that they don't want anymore children. A man refusing to have a vasectomy effectively forces the burden of contraception and any failures back on the woman unless she is happy to roll the dice with condoms. I struggle to really see how the word "weak isn't accurate for such men to be honest..

I think it's not an equal risk we are comparing here.

The probability of risk in a vasectomy are low, but the severity and length can be life altering.

Any surgery can go wrong. Hence any surgery that can be avoided should be avoided. (Speaking from my own experience of simple surgeries in childhood resulting in decades of corrective surgeries and altered life choices).

We've always used condoms. Once we finished having kids, I've chosen a non-hormonal coil for the remainder of my fertile years..should be around a decade at max. So far it looks like we could avoid a vasectomy.

However for those who have many years of worry ahead it may be worth the risk I suppose.

@JuliaRobbers
Your choice to use the non hormonal coil is not risk free and over half of women abandon this form of contraception after 5 years due to bleeding or cramps so it's obviously not a good medium/long term choice for many. There are also some pretty severe risks that are also uncommon but could be life changing.

I do take your point that there are diminishing returns on a vasectomy as you age and there are less fertile years ahead of you, however there are also increased risks associated with an unplanned pregnancy as you age too. Ultimately we are still at a stalemate where someone has to take responsibility for contraception and if it isn't the man then it HAS to be the woman.

Non hormonal coil was so painful to put in, I was actually in shock.

It then gave me 5/6 days of painful, incredibly heavy periods a month. Rather than 2/3 days of not so heavy periods that I am getting now.

It hurts when they hit it during sex and they are unlikely to remove it and reinsert unless (ironically) it causes HIM pain.

My coil is now missing and I have a 1 year old child. Could be anywhere.

The risks and ongoing pain of having a coil (you’ll need two or three over ten years) is far far worse than the vasectomy.

H had an awful time, 3 weeks off work rather than 3 days. Post op bleeding and infection. His testicles were like two aubergines.
However, those kinds of complications are rare and since then we have enjoyed a care free sex life.

@Bumpitybumper I totally agree with your points. I've just started out with the coil so it's just early days.

@CantankerousCamel your post is scary. Can't the coil be located by ultrasound?

The risks depend what you're comparing it to. Female sterilisation carries an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, for example, which can be fatal. As does pregnancy with a coil in situ: it's pretty reliable as contraception goes, but if you do conceive with one in anyway, you've a higher risk of it being ectopic.

They would need to do an MRI because they have no idea where it is. The womb has been checked many times RE baby.

If it cause me distress they will hunt but otherwise it’s just staying there

Dowager's attitude keeps reminding me of something :

m.youtube.com/watch?v=tlhDW89Bid0

Really genuinely sorry to hear about what you have been through Camel, even if I do not agree with your opinion on this.

I think men who refuse are basically saying their reproductive organs are much more important than our reproductive organs.

Funny really. As we can replace most of their input with a vibrator and/or a turkey baster.

Again, I'm not here to placate, or make weak people feel better about their decision, and I make no apologies for that.

I judge men who won't have a vasectomy in the same way I judge people who smoke in front of their children.

It's a perfectly legal act, they're doing nothing wrong. It's their body, their choice.

But it's a grim choice and it impacts negatively on, and removes choice from, others.

And just a quick reminder while I'm here - men who opt out are shown up by all the decent ones who're happy to take the risk and make the right choice.

Too right, Dowager. 'Just get a coil' is trotted out so often. When both the Mirena and copper coil have well known side effects. There was a thread on here last week featuring a woman who's coil has gone missing. She gets the option of a serious operation with chance of hysterectomy or carry on and hope for the best.