Just asked DH to get a vasectomy

[prettymuchaceleb]

Here's to hoping he goes and gets one! His main concern is lasting pain long after the op(although I pointed out how I have had episiotomies and c sections and they had slight pain ) , any horror stories or is it mostly ok?
I'm hoping to rejuvenate our sex life somewhat also, after years of being on the blasted pill.

I wouldn't like it either, if I were in the position of having to defend a partner who wouldn't have a vasectomy.

But the bottom line is that he's not as 'strong' as either a women, or a man who would have one.

No, he’s not strong, he’s a squirmy little man child.

I had my tubes tied at my last section (which was really easy where I live--I asked, they did it, but it was a planned section and I had been saying I wanted it done since my first antenatal appointment). I did this because I never, ever want to be pregnant again. It means if someone rapes me: no risk. If my relationship breaks down and I end up with a new partner, that door is closed.

In my case it was easy though, because they were already in there! Had I not had a planned section, I may have chosen to get my tubes tied anyway for all the reasons mentioned above. My partner would definitely have gotten a vasectomy, though, because he wouldn't have asked me to have more surgery. As it stands, he is considering a vasectomy anyway, because he also wants no more children ever, and if something happened to our relationship (or to me) that door would be closed for him. Also, we are SUPER certain, and so super caution is wise.

I think any man thinking about, or particularly being asked for a vasectomy should look at the fact there are many alternatives.

The UK has a 42% rate of divorce in marriage, most divorces are filed by women, there is a one in ten rate of long term chronic pain from vasectomy on NHS figures, that's potentially the rest of your life in pain , plus being unable to remarry once ditched as you cannot have a further child (a potential huge deal breaker for many women).

Men need to have self awareness of their circumstances, their own self welfare, potential future circumstances, and particularly their own self agency and interest in their own lives.

For anyone who thinks this is in any way weak or childish, it is no more than any woman posting on this thread is likely to expect for herself, or that anyone else would expect for them.

Women sometimes may also like vasectomy because it permanently shifts the burden of contraception and also through sterilisation secures the assets of the man so there are no future children competing for resources, see for example:

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1328599/Vasectomy-Why-wives-tell-husbands-snip.html

If one of my dhs considerations re vasectomy was future children in a new relationship I think we’d have much bigger problems. I expect us to consider this decision solely from the perspective of our family.

For anyone who thinks this is in any way weak or childish, it is no more than any woman posting on this thread is likely to expect for herself, or that anyone else would expect for them.

You're wrong, opting out is more weak and childish than anything a woman has gone through. And it's more weak and childish than men who are willing to have vasectomies.

We've covered this off a few times now.

We've also covered off 'replacing' children in a subsequent relationship. What sort of man wants to do that, anyway?

plus being unable to remarry once ditched as you cannot have a further child

Being 'unable to remarry'...? What utter nonsense is this? A vasectomy is not a barrier to remarriage. Many women would love it, and for those who don't, get it reversed. Not an option for sterilised women, of course.

And - once again - we know there is a risk associated with the procedure.

I mean, what do you want us to say on this, 'oh, there's a RISK?? Heaven forfend. Of course you shouldn't go for the snip, then. Sit down. Put your feet up, while you recover from the shock. Can I get you a beer, you poor love?'

🙄

Now now TheDowagerCuntess don't you be upsetting yourself. You know women only want men for their baby making sperm and their assets. No point in denying it!

Yes, because my DP has so many assets... he really doesn't. He's a bit shit with money and he doesn't work

Daily Mail, why wives tell husbands, indeed. 😂

DH refused, which annoyed me hugely as he is the one who is adamant that we will not have another dc. I got sterilised instead, because I could not handle any more time with a Mirena in, have got pregnant on the Pill twice in the past (why hello, ds3), hated the thought of a copper coil, did not want to deal with the side effects of the injection, am not going to rely on condoms or a cap, etc. I do feel resentful though.

I understand Marie Stopes (who take NHS referrals) do the scalpel free procedure MissConduct. Not sure about other clinics though.

‘Men have to be prepared to divorce their children as well as their wives and it might hurt a lickle bit’ is all I got from that pathetic man child rant.

I tell you what will stop me remarrying? 3 times extended breastfeeding boobs, a stomach containing more stretch marks than skin and three children.

The absolute shame of it!! All because of a (by all accounts fairly irrational) fear of a little bit of pain

@mostdays did you want more children? I think your situation is really sad; I would enormously, enormously resent a partner who didn't want more children themselves, who had watched me bear all the side effects of having children or contraception, and who simply refused to take responsibility for contraception themselves, especially if I wanted more kids and they didn't. I'm guessing, too, he still expected to be able to have PIV sex with you.

Placebogirl did I want more dc... no, not really- I think I am also done at 3 and wouldn't be pleased to conceive again. But I wasn't absolutely sure that if I did happen to fall pregnant again, that I would not want to continue the pregnancy. I suppose he was 100% sure he did not want more and I was 90% sure, but aware that if I did get pregnant I may well want to keep it, if that makes sense?

To be fair to him (although I don't particularly feel like being fair to him wrt this!), he said he was willing to abstain from PIV, or to use condoms permanently. I am not willing to go the rest of my life without PIV sex! And I am certainly not happy to rely on condoms. So it wasn't really a case of him insisting I got sterilised. It still annoys and upsets me a bit though. Sterilisation was worth it to me on balance, because if I got pregnant again I would either have to have a termination or go through another pregnancy and birth, and the discomfort and recovery from the op were more mangable than either of those would have been. It makes me feel a bit shit to know that my dh's wish to avoid discomfort for himself from a vasectomy far outweighed his wish to protect me from the consequences of another intended pregnancy... although again, he'd point out he was willing to abstain or use condoms.

Sorry, this is getting far too long and I'm getting stupidly upset, I'll stop this now!

most I would be really upset too and would have to stop thinking about it or it would make me want to leave the barstard. I think now it’s done if the rest of your life with him is good, let it go and never mention it again but honestly I don’t know if I would be able to do the same in the circumstances.

The rate of side effects is 10%. That's pretty high. It's actually really unreasonable to expect him to put up with pain just because you do. If he decides to do it then fine but imagine if you heard a man about his girlfriend going on the pill or getting stetilised the same way you have spoken about your husband.

@raiden42
Ok so let's get this straight, your arguments against a man getting a vasectomy are:
The UK has a 42% rate of divorce in marriage, most divorces are filed by women
No adult should consider sterilisation unless they're sure that they don't want anymore children. If a man is in agreement with their partner about this then why would any subsequent change in relationship status affect his decision to have a vasectomy? Are you suggesting that men are not capable of giving informed consent for such a procedure because their decisions will always be based on what their partner wants/says?

there is a one in ten rate of long term chronic pain from vasectomy on NHS figures, that's potentially the rest of your life in pain
What about the massive list of side effects related to pregnancy, birth, abortions and contraception that women face? Do you think that it's unacceptable for men to have to take any kind of risk in order to control their fertility?

plus being unable to remarry once ditched as you cannot have a further child (a potential huge deal breaker for many women).
Again, why do you assume that men's decisions about how many children they would like are totally dependent on what relationship they happen to be in at the time?

Women sometimes may also like vasectomy because it permanently shifts the burden of contraception
And this is a bad thing because...? Men don't have any of the other burdens associated with reproduction (periods, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding) so why is it so bad that men could shoulder a bit of responsibility in this area?

and also through sterilisation secures the assets of the man so there are no future children competing for resources

Honestly you just sound incredibly misogynistic and like you can't stand the thought that women might be getting one over men by not being saddled with absolutely every aspect of reproduction and the prevention thereof.

The 1 in 10 chronic pain number is also highly contested - seems to depend on source but also on definition. US stats give 1-2% (scalpel free method more popular there), whilst BAUS quote 10% persistent pain but 1% as severe (i.e. 9% could well be relatively minor twinges)

I was at a family event last week, an 80th birthday party so mostly older people. There were probably 15 of us there and all have children. I know at least three of the men involved have had vasectomies and have laughed and joked about their experiences, which don't include any long term side effects. Of the women there, I'm pregnant and have crutches due to the effects on my hypermobile body of doing this more than once now. I have yet to see how bad the long term effects of this pregnancy will be but it's pretty scary. One of the women can't sit down for long. She is regularly forced to get up and move around due to issues with C-section scars - her youngest is 17. Another suffered a blood clot from being on the pill, quite a few years ago now. A number of us have had a few miscarriages. And these are the ones I know well to have shared about their experiences. I'm not seeing anything fair about this situation.

A possibly as much as 10% risk of side effects doesn't seem that bad to me in the circumstances.

I reckon if ‘post pregnancy pain’ was defined by the odd twinge here and there, it would be a 10/10

Oh, and there's my mother, who was also there, but she considers herself very lucky at getting away with pregnancy and birth side effects scot-free, because she just can't cough or sneeze without leaking a bit of pee since my brother was born (he'll be 40 this year). Can you imagine a man considering 40 years of incontinence lucky?

Exactly. Plus, even thinking about sterilisation - I'd say that by the time they'd be considered eligible to be sterilised (likely having had kids) most women will experience at least some niggling from some area of their reproductive organs from time to time. Whether that's period pain, ovulation pain, niggles from scar tissue, niggles from coils...that's before you consider more serious stuff like fibroids, endo, etc.

So I'd be very surprised if the rate of reporting of post sterilisation problems would be anything like as high for woman as for men even where they are experiencing an equivalent level of discomfort. That's not a "woman are stronger and braver" thing, it's just that I think we're on the whole more accustomed to side effects from our reproductive systems and attempts to control them!

Seeing as there's a lot of store being set by statistics, here's some about birth. N.B. All of these are NHS figures (unless otherwise stated) and therefore relevant to UK women.

• 1 in 7 deliveries requires an episiotomy, which more often than not requires stitches to repair.1% of those undergoing an episiotomy will suffer severe pain during recovery as a result of the procedure. If they are breastfeeding then this limits the pain medication available to them.

• 1% of those women will experience severe pain during recovery. The pain medication available will be limited if they are breastfeeding.

• 9 out of 10 who have had an episiotomy will find it painful when they resume sex. This improves "over time" (actual period not specified).

• 1 in 3 women will have some form of urinary incontinence - ranging from mild to severe - and this is most prevalent amongst women who have had vaginal deliveries. Bladder leaks can be triggered by walking fast, running, jumping, sneezing and coughing. Within that group only 1 in 3 will be able to resolve their pelvic floor issues with exercise.

• a BMJ survey found that out of 300 first-time Mothers, 33% of them had diastasis recti (separation of the tummy muscles equal or greater than two finger-breadths). This causes prominent stomach bulging and often pain as well.

• Post-natal depression will affect over 1 in 10 women.

Sorry, meant to clarify that of the 33% with diastasis recti - the separation of two finger-breadths or more was still present 12 months after giving birth.

plus being unable to remarry once ditched as you cannot have a further child (a potential huge deal breaker for many women)

You know, if you were willing to date one of all these women who want their partner to have had a vasectomy, instead of ditching such women in the (frankly embarrassing) hope of switching to a younger model, this probably wouldn't be such an issue.