Would a man not being able to drive, put you off dating him?

[CandiedPeach]

A bit of a odd one and not something I’ve ever thought of before today. Went out for lunch and a catch up with friends and one who was dating someone she seemed really keen on, said she’d ended things because he couldn’t drive (no medical reasons why not) and wasn’t planning on learning. One friend was in agreement with her that she wouldn’t date a man who couldn’t drive the other thinks it’s a ridiculous reason to end things. I initially thought it seemed harsh and I can’t imagine a woman not driving would be a deal breaker for many men, I may be wrong though. But then I wouldn’t want to be the only driver in a couple. So thinking more about it, it probably would put me off someone.

My husband doesn't drive and it's never been an issue. We got together at 18. He's always worked near train stations, we've always lived near train stations. He never expects lifts, though if it's convenient I'll offer.

Neither of us want to spend the money on lessons, when we don't have any need for him to drive. We live in walking distance of everything we need so it really is a luxury that we can live without.

Honestly , Yes- unless he cannot drive for medical reasons

I do drive, but I really don't have to. I work in London & get train in, then Boris bike everywhere once there. I live very near the train station. Nursery & schools, shops, healthcare all short walk away.

Whenever DH go out together I drive. I prefer
Driving. I don't particularly like drinking so that aspect doesn't bother me. I drove myself to hospital for both DC labours.

But I would be seriously pissed off if DH refused to learn to drive because he didn't see the point. There's still a point. The burden CAN be shared right now. When I was wheelchair bound he ferried me about. When I've done 6-hours solid driving and we're one hour from home, he can take over so we don't crash & die. Or waste money on a hotel.

If we lived in London or similar we probably wouldn't bother with a car.

I've friends - men & women - who don't drive. Every single one expected lifts, didn't consider petrol costs or wear & tear. I'm old enough that I was driving before groceries could be delivered and before buying local became popular again. It was really bloody annoying. So from my perspective if you are just choosing not to learn because you can't be arsed to grow up, then I will consider you lacking. But I'd never assume that was the reason someone didn't drive^^ unless it
Became obvious over time.

I think it depends.

I live in central London and I know lots of people who don't drive (myself included).

It's not been something essential to my independence, same for my non driving friends. DP can drive but it's not financially viable for us to have a car so he is a non driver and it's not a deal breaker.

I wouldn't bother me at all - it doesn't - my partner of 10 years doesn't drive and has no real intention of learning. It doesn't matter. I drive. The only times it has been a minor inconvenience has been the odd hospital appointment where it would have been handy if he could have driven me home since I couldn't drive but that's a rare occurrence.

I understand why living in London would delay a need to drive, but to me it is more than that. Not being able to drive - actually, not WANTING to learn to drive - shows a complete lack of ambition to me and a lack of independence that I wouldn't find attractive in a man.

This isn't even a sexist comment, I'd feel the same about anyone not seeing being able to drive as an important life skill, no matter what their sex.

I think I would end it. I don't live in a big city, and public transport around here isn't great.

I'd end up resenting doing all the driving and not being able to have a drink, even though I don't actually drink much, or very often.

Me ex wouldn't learn to drive but had piano lessons! It was so annoying being his Chauffeur!!!!

Doesn’t bother me at all.

He lives in a city with excellent public transport. I don’t - he still uses public transport quite happily to get here.

Sometimes I drive, sometimes we get cabs, sometimes we get public transport.

I did it utterly bizarre that not driving is considered immature.

Unless for medical reasons it would be a deal breaker for me. My BIL can’t drive for eyesight reasons and that’s fine (he was gutted when he had to give up his lessons) but other than that, unless we lived in London, I would not be interested in a man who couldn’t and didn’t want to drive.

Living in central London there is no need. I'd expect him to learn if/when we moved out though.

Those saying not driving shows a lack of ambition; can you please explain how? Does it not just show the person isn't interested in driving, or has different priorities to you, as opposed to some fundamental flaw in their character?

I remember JK Rowling saying on Twitter that she doesn't drive because she lacks spatial awareness and isn't good at operating machinery. Is one of the richest women in Britain, creator of a huge franchise, lacking in ambition simply because she doesn't want to get behind the wheel of a car?

I just find these attitudes bizarre!

I don't drive because I'm too clumsy and I've never had the spare cash to run a car. I'll pay for lessons for DS though, as I assume having a licence will make him more employable and open up opportunities in general. I wouldn't judge anyone else for not driving unless they were the kind of person who was always asking for lifts when it wasn't an emergency. I hate being offered lifts because it feels infantilizing, and kind of like I'm being forced into taking on a debt I can't pay back.

@MHW, as previous posters have said, medical reasons/spacial issues etc would of course make a difference. But surely driving is part of growing up and something that you want to do to gain independence and not be a burden on others. I couldn't wait to be 17 start learning to drive, the same as my friends. I see driving as part of a natural ticklist, along with getting an education, cooking, getting your own place, etc.

I wouldn't be bothered. Most people in my social circle either medically can't or choose not to drive for a wide range of reasons. We live accordingly - it can make some things more difficult but there are benefits to not having the costs of a car when in an area with other transport options and/or things close.

I can see why it would bother other people though, especially if you're used to everyone driving. It would be unfair if a nondriving partner expected the driving partner to put in all the legwork transport wise or didn't make equal sacrifices in other things so I can see that point, not that she needs one to stop dating him when that's what she wants.

It reads like she had far more incompatibility issues with him though - some people are and/or like people who are ambitious in specific ways and some people are and/or like people who are generally content in those areas. I don't see it as a bad thing to be content with your work but I know others who find progressing up their career ladder very important. Different folks and all that.

I disagree that not driving makes someone lazy or not ambitious any more than someone having a car makes them lazy or not ambitious - either can be used as an excuse if the person wants so is very individual. I know drivers who hate going anywhere without easy access or close/free parking and won't consider public transport which in a quite pedestrianized city with notoriously pricey parking can be a pain to work around. I wouldn't date or do much with a driver like that just as I wouldn't with a nondriver who expected other people to always sort out transport.

I see driving as part of a natural ticklist, along with getting an education, cooking, getting your own place, etc.

I didn't learn at 17 because my parents never offered to pay, and because my university offer was conditional on getting AAB in my A Levels, back when straight As were fairly rare. So to get a part time job to fund lessons then make time for the lessons myself might well have jeopardised those all-important grades - I didn't find A Levels particularly hard but I saw other people who struggled as a result of overcommitting themselves, and that made me wary. My dad did actually buy me a block of lessons just after university, but I was pregnant and had to stop learning when I got too big to fit behind the wheel, among other pregnancy-related issues! In the last few years I've finally had some disposable cash, but I chose to use it to buy and renovate a property instead. So my ticklist includes straight As at A level, an Oxford degree, a 17 year old son and a house in France, any one of which would probably not have been possible at the time had I chosen to prioritise learning to drive instead.

I'm not disparaging people who have made driving their priority ahead of other things, I just wanted to point out that there's a trade off. You can theoretically achieve almost anything with very limited resources, but you can't do everything, and for me other things have always been more urgent at any given time than learning to drive.

Good points, @Agustarella. I would like to point out though that my parents didn't have cash to pay for my lessons either so I got a part time job to pay for them, but appreciate actually that my need to learn at the time was probably greater because we lived in a tiny village with no public transport!

This is a question with baggage for me; I was the person who said "who cares?" when I fell in love in London, and the person 5, 10, 13 years on with children who was tired of the car situation being another loop hole out of taking responsibility / doing boring things.

I did not find it easy to learn to drive. I took a lot of lessons, all paid for by me in my junior job, and 4 tests. I do sympathise that for many it doesn't come naturally - I am one of those people.

However, that just means that living with someone who simply cannot be arsed stings even more. It's not easy for me either! but I bloody do it anyway, because someone has to.

What came with the car and the driving licence (a la breastfeeding) was that the whole chunk of Car Stuff was my responsibility, problem and expense (I REALLY resented cleaning the filthy car when I was the one who NEVER ate in it. An adult's snack wrappers stuffed into a door bin are a fucking insult) - including limping in freezing rain to pay for petrol, pregnant with SPD, on the 24 December, in the middle of a 250 mile journey up the M6. MOTs, parking permits, insurance, repairs, blah blah blah....

It was one of the things that was automatically discounted as having value because I did it. Anything he did was precious and he was to be cookie'd to hell and back for it; anything I did was the absolute very least I could do (like breastfeeding and then all the "well you were with the baby anyway so....")

Never again. I won't have a proper relationship again anyway, so I am free to fancy anyone I want as I'm actively avoiding getting lumbered with a man's shitness and inconvenience again; so I'd date a man who can't drive, in the way that I would date a man with a gambling problem - it's obviously setting you up for misery if you take their life on with yours, but there's nothing to stop you staring through smoke into a pair of feckless beautiful witty eyes and keeping your own life independent and secure.

I'm sure there are non drivers who are considerate and active, take responsibility, and so on but like I say.... I've got baggage.

But RollsEyes this is exactly my point. I am a grown up, I am independent and I am not a burden on others. I live alone, I make my own way into work, I cook for myself, I have travelled all over the world on my own. Before she died I helped care for my mum, even as a teenager I took my gran out for day trips, just the two of us, after she had started developing dementia.

I know plenty of people who drive who wouldn't dream of going to the cinema on their own, or the theatre, or to a restaurant, or on holiday. Are they really more independent or grown up than me just because they have the keys to a metal box on wheels?

I know people keep saying "oh, it's different if there's a medical issue". But how severe does that "issue" have to be before it's an acceptable excuse? And if not driving is as inconvenient as people are making out, would it honestly make a difference if the person couldn't help not being able to drive?

As I said in an earlier post, I have no issue with people saying it's a deal breaker for them your life, your choice. But I'm getting really quite annoyed by people going on and on about people being immature and a failure just because they have different priorities and make different choices.

@RollsEyes You did really well to work to fund your lessons. For me it was a judgement call and I didn't want to risk my Oxford offer - I had just got into a really good grammar school after languishing at a horrible comp where I was always told I was thick and would never go to university! So I was already outside of my comfort zone and struggling with impostor syndrome.

Reading your post reminds me of one great advantage I did have: the local authority gave me a free bus pass to go to the grammar school, a perk that had been axed by the time my brother went just three years later. I wasn't the favoured child so I don't think my parents would have paid my bus fares, and if lack of transport had cost me my place at one of the best schools in the country I might have become much more enthusiastic about learning to drive!

It's just all a bit downmarket. Shall we go out for the day? Will we drive, or spend hours on a bus, standing in the cold at bus stops waiting for a bus which never turns up, and then sitting in a space with other randomers who choose the same service? It's all very student-y, acceptable when you're 20, shite at 30.

Not driving is practically unheard of in my friends and social circle so yes, it would be very odd.

(We don't live in London though, where apparently nobody drives and are delighted with the public transport system).

Agree it depends where you live.

Rurally, the need to drive increases as DC get older. At Nursery you might need need to pick them up at short notice, at primary you will be taking them to activities, by secondary their friends will live far and wide and by 6th form their will be a party every other weekend in the arse end of nowhere.

I would expect there to be a very good reason not to share the load (and enforced sobriety) and “I don’t want to” wouldn’t cut it.

If any of you who think that I'm thick/ lazy/ "lacking ambition"/ a leech who expects everyone and anyone to chauffer me around/ etc wants to give me the thousands of pounds required for lessons, theory tests, a car itself, road tax, insurance, petrol, then I will cheerfully learn.

I couldn't be with someone who couldn't drive, it would work for our lives at all.
I lived in London and didn't drive most of my life there because it was easy to get about however there were plenty of times it would have been easier to jump in the car and go somewhere rather than public transport.

I learnt to drive in London and never got on another bus again because actually, even with the traffic, it was quicker and easier in the car.
Dh was the same, he was always able to drive and never took the bus/tube except to go to work.

(We don't live in London though, where apparently nobody drives and are delighted with the public transport system).

For all of London's faults, they've nailed public transport. It takes longer to get across the city in a car than the tube. 4 minutes is an unusually long wait for the next train.