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Original poster

Horrible horrible situation

183 replies

Blackberry10 · 19/09/2018 23:16

Long time poster on here but name changed for this
My SIL died unexpectedly 3 days ago leaving an 8 year old and a 2 year old. They are adopted but of course DH and I and the rest of the family think of them as our blood and our family in every way.

They are now with inlaws who are both nearing 70 and we have been spending most of time with them and Inlaws.
It has become apparent that DH and I are expected to look after them long term.

One of the problems is we live in a two bedroom house and already have one DS, now of course this problem could be got around

I also have a progressive disability which will mean I will end of in a wheelchair and poss worse and will need care myself. There is no way of telling when this would be and my symptoms have been getting worse. My husband does most things around the house now. I can’t drive and do manage to work 2 days a week but was seriously thinking of stopping as the pain it puts me in is not worth the money I get

My nephew has huge behavioural issues and SEN. Even though we love him he has been using DS as a punch bag whenever he sees him and actually broke DS arm six months ago being rough (DS is 4) so we have been limiting contact to when either DH or I are around to make sure DS is safe. My DS is scared to death of him.
Obviously nephew is having lots of intervention and support to help him.

My niece is thought to prob have fetal alcohol syndrome which may manifest itself more as she gets older.

We would have loved another child but we decided a few years ago due to my disability and the fact DH works all hours god sends to keep us afloat we would stop at one.

MIL broke it to us today that it is in the Will that we would have my nephew and niece if anything happened to SIL. We would never have agreed to this due to my disability the fact I will need care myself some point in the future. Apparently SIL has left life insurance to inlaws (according to MIL) but it’s not about the money, we could scrape by it’s all the other stuff

I just don’t know what to do they could end up back in care if we don’t. DH has very little family and no other siblings who could help. The inlaws health is failing so they won’t be able to offer much in the way of support.

I have spend the evening sobbing with DH not knowing what to do. At the centre of this of two very scared bereaved children. If my health was fine we would take them no question. But in 10 years I could end up in a wheelchair incontient and unable to talk or eat without a tube. I also know there is very little support out there, even less now.
Sad

OP posts:
Hedgehog80 · 19/09/2018 23:19

I think with how youve written your post OP you have made a clear decision.
You sound very caring but you need to put yourself and your dc first xx

WhatIsThisTomfoolery · 19/09/2018 23:20

What stands out is how your DS is treated

That will be his childhood. So on that basis I'd put him first. Would have to be a no,sadly

Your own DS comes first

7yo7yo · 19/09/2018 23:21

so Sorry for your loss op. Flowers
There may be expectations but the fact of the matter is that you can’t really look after these kids and give them what they will need.
You wouldn’t be doing them any favours by adopting them and would you be allowed to anyway? Surely SS will have to be involved.

Also DN broke your sons arm, that would be a massive no from me.

Hedgehog80 · 19/09/2018 23:21

And as s side note I’d be asking to see the will as surely that money should be forvthe children not inlaws 🤔

JensenElephant · 19/09/2018 23:21

I am so sorry.

You don't have the children if named in the will, that isn't what it means. You make the decision about what is best for them, that may be you but it may be another option. Paula Yates famously named her accountant who then decided to place her child with Bob Geldof.

The children would usually inherit and the money could be used for them. A life assurance may have someone else named (so her parents). What about work- was she in a pension? Did she own a house?

Is the adoption of the 2 year old complete? Have you told social services that she has passed away?

Fucksgiven · 19/09/2018 23:23

You don't have to do it.

dinosaurkisses · 19/09/2018 23:24
Flowers

It was foolish of your SIL not to talk this over with you, especially if she was a single parent.

It’s a shit situation and no one can tell you what to do, but I’d echo what a pp has said in that it’s natural for your DS to be your priority.

Somerville · 19/09/2018 23:24

Children can’t be left to someone in a will. The parent/s can express an opinion but this doesn’t have any legal merit.
Given the circumstances ot is impossible for you to take on the children. It’s desperately sad but they need to be well parented and for a variety of factors you can’t offer that.
Think about what you can offer in terms of regularly seeing them as preserving your relation with them as aunt and uncle.

Original poster
Blackberry10 · 19/09/2018 23:25

The second adoption just completed a month ago. Social services don’t know yet. She rented a house and may have a pension I am not sure. As I said though it’s not about the money we would manage is everything else

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 19/09/2018 23:25

I think you've need to call social service and speak to them frankly.

It's possible that they could be adopted and still be in contact with your family.

They are a victim of circumstances and will need all the support they can get.

Speak to the professionals and get good advice

Somerville · 19/09/2018 23:26

Also the life insurance money can’t be legally given to someone else when there are dependants to provide for. It will go into trust for the children when they’re older.

Original poster
Blackberry10 · 19/09/2018 23:27

I know being names in the Will doesn’t mean we have to take them
We would def still keep in touch with them if it was allowed in a big way and offer support in other ways

OP posts:
MissLingoss · 19/09/2018 23:27

MIL broke it to us today that it is in the Will that we would have my nephew and niece if anything happened to SIL. We would never have agreed to this due to my disability the fact I will need care myself some point in the future. Apparently SIL has left life insurance to inlaws

Leaving aside the emotional aspects of this terrible situation, I think you should insist on seeing the will yourself, and get independent legal advice. Any life insurance should surely be for the benefit of the children.

JensenElephant · 19/09/2018 23:28

If there is money then you could use it to buy or extend a house for example.

You need to tell social services asap are they are CLA (looked after children). They will be able to offer advice and support.

Are they siblings? 2 is young for an adoption ?

Bloodybridget · 19/09/2018 23:28

Was your SIL a single adopter? - you don't mention the children having a dad so I assume so. I'm surprised your SIL put it in her will that you were to have them, a) without consulting you, and b) given your disability. It is awful but I think you need to put your own needs and those of your DS first, it sounds as though taking on care of these two DC would be disastrous for you.

Maelstrop · 19/09/2018 23:28

You can’t, OP, your poor ds would be terrorised.

Original poster
Blackberry10 · 19/09/2018 23:29

MIL is ringing SS tomorrow at DHs insistence. She said we have to take them for her and FIL and I will just have to pull my socks up and get on with it (MIL is a cow by the way)

OP posts:
JensenElephant · 19/09/2018 23:30

I think that she would ahed had to go through contingency with social services before adoption, did you have any conversation with them?

BeautifulPossibilities · 19/09/2018 23:31

These children need what you can't offer. Your DS needs safety. You have realised your limitations. Harsh but true.

Ask to see the will also. She's been very organised if the adoption was only a month ago?

Also these children need social services attention immediately- they are the specialists

Original poster
Blackberry10 · 19/09/2018 23:31

She got my niece at 9 months I think as she has been through the process before and has been successful with the adoption itself

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackberry10 · 19/09/2018 23:31

She was a very organised person though it may just specify nephew in the Will

OP posts:
thegreatbeyond · 19/09/2018 23:31

I would see them and keep in touch, but I couldn't take them full time. It's sad, but you didn't choose to adopt children with additional needs, adoption is very difficult anyway.

Original poster
Blackberry10 · 19/09/2018 23:32

Sorry yes niece was a sibling

OP posts:
Justabouthadituptohere · 19/09/2018 23:34

So much sympathy but a mixed bag of information here.

Firstly a will cannot make you do anything.

Secondly social services need to be made aware.

Thirdly you need to see the Will. If the inlaws don’t show you it all Wills should be publically available at a cost. www.gov.uk/search-will-probate

Finally the bottom line is you can’t take on these children. No matter how much you love them. It’s an emotional time and your in-laws should not be putting this pressure on you.

pumkinspicetime · 19/09/2018 23:35

This is a horrible situation for you OP. It is usual to name people who will care for your DC in your will but not without checking with the named people. Are you sure that your DH didn't agree to this without thinking it through? One of my siblings has appointed me as carers to her DC and another people as holders of the life insurance, the other has given me both DC and money in case of this situation, but both of them talked to me first. You don't have to take on this caring responsibility if you are not able to and it doesn't sound like it would work for you.