Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Horrible horrible situation

183 replies

Blackberry10 · 19/09/2018 23:16

Long time poster on here but name changed for this
My SIL died unexpectedly 3 days ago leaving an 8 year old and a 2 year old. They are adopted but of course DH and I and the rest of the family think of them as our blood and our family in every way.

They are now with inlaws who are both nearing 70 and we have been spending most of time with them and Inlaws.
It has become apparent that DH and I are expected to look after them long term.

One of the problems is we live in a two bedroom house and already have one DS, now of course this problem could be got around

I also have a progressive disability which will mean I will end of in a wheelchair and poss worse and will need care myself. There is no way of telling when this would be and my symptoms have been getting worse. My husband does most things around the house now. I can’t drive and do manage to work 2 days a week but was seriously thinking of stopping as the pain it puts me in is not worth the money I get

My nephew has huge behavioural issues and SEN. Even though we love him he has been using DS as a punch bag whenever he sees him and actually broke DS arm six months ago being rough (DS is 4) so we have been limiting contact to when either DH or I are around to make sure DS is safe. My DS is scared to death of him.
Obviously nephew is having lots of intervention and support to help him.

My niece is thought to prob have fetal alcohol syndrome which may manifest itself more as she gets older.

We would have loved another child but we decided a few years ago due to my disability and the fact DH works all hours god sends to keep us afloat we would stop at one.

MIL broke it to us today that it is in the Will that we would have my nephew and niece if anything happened to SIL. We would never have agreed to this due to my disability the fact I will need care myself some point in the future. Apparently SIL has left life insurance to inlaws (according to MIL) but it’s not about the money, we could scrape by it’s all the other stuff

I just don’t know what to do they could end up back in care if we don’t. DH has very little family and no other siblings who could help. The inlaws health is failing so they won’t be able to offer much in the way of support.

I have spend the evening sobbing with DH not knowing what to do. At the centre of this of two very scared bereaved children. If my health was fine we would take them no question. But in 10 years I could end up in a wheelchair incontient and unable to talk or eat without a tube. I also know there is very little support out there, even less now.
Sad

OP posts:
glagdy · 20/09/2018 09:26

You sound lovely op but as others have said, your ds must come first. I don't even see it as a choice.

Thanks
Holidayshopping · 20/09/2018 09:42

am going round to spend some time with niece and nephew later today while DS is at school

I’d be careful going round there alone actually. Can you tak to the SW yourself first? Or the friend?

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 20/09/2018 10:49

Sorry about your SIL, OP?

Where is her husband/partner in this?

Did she adopt on her own?

Sorry if I missed an update on this.

Holidayshopping · 20/09/2018 10:56

She said we have to take them for her and FIL and I will just have to pull my socks up and get on with it

Words fail me! That’s just how it works with MS, you just need to pull your socks up and cope.

I’m sorry she is so nasty. Please speak to SS directly and tell your MIL you are dealing with it yourself.

Dodie66 · 20/09/2018 11:14

Once SS know about it they will be in control and you won’t have to worry, they will realise you can’t takethem on. That will take the pressure off you and MIL will just have to accept it

Nanasueathome · 20/09/2018 11:33

I’m sure that SS will not just assume that it’s ok for you to take the children just on the say so of your MIL
They would speak to you separately and you would be able to let them know your family’s feelings and circumstances before any decision is made

DontBoreMe · 20/09/2018 12:51

I'm sorry, but children aren't furniture.

I'm pretty sure that even if a will did "leave" the children to you, you are not obliged to take them on.

As harsh as it sounds they need to be taken for re-adoption elsewhere.

Lovemusic33 · 20/09/2018 13:11

Doddie sadly it can take a lot to convince SS that you can not physically take the children, beleive me, they wanted me to give up my bedroom to take on 2 children, I have 2 children with ASD and they took some convincing to understand why I couldn’t take on 2 children. OP needs to put her foot down straight away and say ‘no’.

Please be careful going to see the children, it will play tricky with your mind, make it harder to say no and possibly give the children false hope, they are obviously going to be upset right now as are you.

Holidayshopping · 20/09/2018 13:19

sadly it can take a lot to convince SS that you can not physically take the children, beleive me, they wanted me to give up my bedroom to take on 2 children

Really? That’s awful!

Dollymixture22 · 20/09/2018 20:17

If his poor lady did adopt the children alone then surely SS must have insisted she have a contingency plan. Her friend sounds like a likely part of this plan. Although your SIL should ideally have been open with the family about what would happen in these very sad circumstances. Her mother may have known and disapproved! This is an attempt to change the outcome.

It is a scenario many single parents worry about. Not knocking single people adopting - it is much better for a child to have one good parent than be in care. It’s just that while death while the children are young is highly unlikely, at least with two parents you have a backup. Again before I get shouting I am absolutely not criticising this ladies choices.

It is just so sad.

FunSponges · 20/09/2018 21:19

Is there no dad at all on scene? I assume not but do they allow single people to adopt? I thought there were very strict rules on adoption.

Lightroom · 20/09/2018 21:29

funsponges, single people can adopt. There are indeed strict rules about suitability, but being in a couple isn't one of them.

Thebluedog · 20/09/2018 21:35

So sorry to hear about this op Flowers

You have 3 children to consider in all of this... your own dc is first and foremost. If your dn and dn aren’t a good fit family wise, then you have to make a decision on that. Your own dc has to come first. It’s what a sw would do when looking at placing a child. If you look at it like adoption you’d not be considered due to your illness. For several reasons, your ability to look after the children and your ability to look after yourself. Add that to the fact that one child has SEN, they need to be placed in a family that can beat deal with them. I’m afraid you’re not it.

Sometimes putting the children first means doing what’s best for them and not what your conscious tells you to do.

Hugs to you op Flowers

Thebluedog · 20/09/2018 21:38

Re the will. You can’t leave children in a will I’m afraid.

As part of the adoption process you have to name individuals who will look after your dc if you should die (im a single adopter ) in my case it is my db, i have spoken to him about it, however Ss don’t ever request proof if this, so chances are she lied and told them she’d agreed this with you .

Ted27 · 20/09/2018 21:38

Yes, single people are allowed to adopt. I am a single adopter.

Blackberry, I'm very sorry about your SIL, you will all be in shock.

This is a very complex situation and you need some advice. You absolutely must see her will. If your SIL made provision for guardianship of her children, then I would have thought she would have made financial provision as well.
If she was a homeowner, who inherits the house, did she have any life insurances ?
My parents would be my son's guardians in the event of my death. That does not necessarily mean he would live with them, it means that they would decide the best place for him to live. He would inherit my house and would be financially provided for, so he would in effect have his own income and would not be a financial burden on whoever he ended up living with, which would most likely be one ot two friends.
You really need to establish whether your SIL made similar arrangements, in particular if her estate is being held in trust for the children and who the trustees are. If she did, then even if the children are returned to care, the inheritance still belongs to them.

I hope you can get some answers, please be kind to yourself, its a dreadful situation to be in

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2018 21:40

Was she a single parent who was able to adopt two children with additional needs? Is there no partner in this?

glagdy · 20/09/2018 21:42

I have a good friend who's just adopted as a single Mum.

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/09/2018 21:54

Those poor kids, poor all of you Sad what a fucking shit situation and shit time of it.

But yes I agree you can’t take them in, your DS has to come first.

HopefullyYes · 20/09/2018 21:55

You must put your DS first.

This. Flowers for you OP

Original poster
Blackberry10 · 20/09/2018 22:51

Sorry for no update been a hectic day
SIL did adopt as a single parent.
The social worker has been in touch and the food friend and it turns out SIL has some kind of guardianship document that in the event of her death her children would be looked after by the friend.

The friend as I said before is a foster carer and is more then happy to take the children. The social worker wants this to be put in place sooner rather then later but not gone through any processes so not sure how quick this can happen.

MIL lying through her teeth all SILs life insurance, pension etc is for the kids or for provision to be made for the kids.
The friend has been lovely and said we can still have a huge part of Nephew and Nieces life if social services agree she and her husband are ok to have the children. I am guessing they must have gone through a huge number of checks to become foster carers.
It’s now on to sorting the funeral

OP posts:
VodkaLimeSoda27 · 20/09/2018 22:57

All the best to you OP at a terrible time. I can't believe your MIL told you such a terrible lie, I'd find that unforgivable. I hope that can go and live with friend and you can stay in touch with them Flowers

HesterMacaulay · 20/09/2018 22:57

Oh that is so good to hear. It sounds like your SIL was an extraordinary woman. How sad she did not get to nurture and bring up her children.
And it sounds like her dear friend and dh are wonderful too. What a relief for you and your DH. You can now focus on grieving and remembering his sister.
Flowers

dinosaurkisses · 20/09/2018 23:00

That’s good news about the friend, OP.

Your MIL can’t be the sharpest tool in the shed if she thought she’d get away with keeping the life insurance cash instead of it going to two recently orphaned children. What a cruel thing to do.

Flowers for you and DH. This must be a lot for him to deal with in particular, especially with his mothers behaviour.

Ted27 · 20/09/2018 23:05

Thats sounds like a good outcome, the children are provided for, now you can grieve for your SIL

AdaColeman · 20/09/2018 23:12

That all sounds a much more positive and workable outcome for all concerned. You must feel a sense of relief Blackberry, and is your DH in agreement with it also?

I can't believe your MIL strung together such a pack of lies, what could have possessed her to do such a thing.

The funeral director will be a great help to you in the time ahead, so lean on him.

Keep an eye on MIL that she doesn't get out of control! Smile. The funeral costs will be deducted from SIL's estate, so don't let MIL tell you otherwise.

Stay strong. Thanks

Swipe left for the next trending thread