Horrible horrible situation

[Blackberry10]

Long time poster on here but name changed for this
My SIL died unexpectedly 3 days ago leaving an 8 year old and a 2 year old. They are adopted but of course DH and I and the rest of the family think of them as our blood and our family in every way.

They are now with inlaws who are both nearing 70 and we have been spending most of time with them and Inlaws.
It has become apparent that DH and I are expected to look after them long term.

One of the problems is we live in a two bedroom house and already have one DS, now of course this problem could be got around

I also have a progressive disability which will mean I will end of in a wheelchair and poss worse and will need care myself. There is no way of telling when this would be and my symptoms have been getting worse. My husband does most things around the house now. I can’t drive and do manage to work 2 days a week but was seriously thinking of stopping as the pain it puts me in is not worth the money I get

My nephew has huge behavioural issues and SEN. Even though we love him he has been using DS as a punch bag whenever he sees him and actually broke DS arm six months ago being rough (DS is 4) so we have been limiting contact to when either DH or I are around to make sure DS is safe. My DS is scared to death of him.
Obviously nephew is having lots of intervention and support to help him.

My niece is thought to prob have fetal alcohol syndrome which may manifest itself more as she gets older.

We would have loved another child but we decided a few years ago due to my disability and the fact DH works all hours god sends to keep us afloat we would stop at one.

MIL broke it to us today that it is in the Will that we would have my nephew and niece if anything happened to SIL. We would never have agreed to this due to my disability the fact I will need care myself some point in the future. Apparently SIL has left life insurance to inlaws (according to MIL) but it’s not about the money, we could scrape by it’s all the other stuff

I just don’t know what to do they could end up back in care if we don’t. DH has very little family and no other siblings who could help. The inlaws health is failing so they won’t be able to offer much in the way of support.

I have spend the evening sobbing with DH not knowing what to do. At the centre of this of two very scared bereaved children. If my health was fine we would take them no question. But in 10 years I could end up in a wheelchair incontient and unable to talk or eat without a tube. I also know there is very little support out there, even less now.

You are named in the will. Find out who holds it. Legally you are entitled to see the contents. It may even be registered online. Search online under “national will register.”

I don’t see how a couple in their late sixties could adopt a 2 year old. It doesn’t seem like a healthy situation for the children or the grandparents.

It was wrong of her to decide without as,ing you, are your in laws aware of your illness ? SS need to be told urgently. They might be able to tap into bereavement counselling

Sorry for your loss 💐

You are not up to having the care of these children. It would actively harm you. It would actively harm your own child. And it wouldn't be good for them either, as you're not prepared or able to give them what they're going to need.

Contact social services.

Another solution will have to be found, because it clearly cannot be you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel for the children, but you cannot take this on.

Very sad all round. Those poor children. As much as you wish you could rescue them, you just can't. These children need healthy parents with no other children who can dedicate themselves to at least attempting to rehabilitate these children with attatchment disorder and other difficulties. It's a very sad state of affairs that social services do little to support families of children with attatchment disorder, but they don't, and so you wouldn't be able to cope and more importantly, it wouldn't be fair on your son.

I get the impression you suspect your MIL isn't telling the truth. I'd definitely check that will if I were you, or you'll be questioning it forever more.

I don’t see how a couple in their late sixties could adopt a 2 year old. It doesn’t seem like a healthy situation for the children or the grandparents.

True, but I don't see any healthy scenarios here. The in laws are elderly or near enough, the OP has a disability and a child who is bullied by his cousin, and putting them into care uproots them again. It's a sad situation.

Another voice saying that you must insist on seeing the will, for all you know MIL could be putting her own spin on things.

I'd advise against taking the children even as a short term temporary measure as MIL seems to be pressing you to do. Once they are with you, they become your responsibility, SS will leave you to it and MIL won't help you.
This is especially true if their permanent home was in a different SS area from where you live. Their local SS will have a responsibility for them, but your area won't and will be reluctant to take them on.
I'd be inclined to contact SS ASAP to say you are unable to take them, as MIL might well promise SS a home for them with you, without your knowledge.

Was your sister married? Are they her in laws?

Sad as it is, they will be an intolerable burden to you, and will make your own child's life a misery, you can't do that to him.
I'm so sorry for you in all this, to have lost your sister and have all this worry too.

These poor children. What a horrific trauma.

The will is immaterial. If the OP cant take the children then she cant take the children.

You must talk to social services and insist on their named social worker if they have one. The school of the elder one may have already contacted social services?

It's a very sad situation but there is absolutely no way I would take on her children - particularly the older, violent one.
I would explain to your MIL that your late SIL never broached this with you and if she had, you would have said no.

Forget about the will, the MIL cannot force you to do anything. And you cannot take these children on.

What an absolutely heartbreaking situation.
The will is a redherring and irrelevant. SIL may have added something alongside the will specifying her wishes but that is not binding at all.

From what you have said, your taking on the children would be in none of the children's best interests.

Those children will need more support than it would be possible for you and DH to give.

And given your DNs specfic needs, it would not be right for your DC.

MIL must be beside herself with grief (as well as being a cow, I don't know). But you need to be firm. Phrase it as what is best for the grandchildren - all of them!

Well done on DH on insisting MIL contacts Children's services / SW connected with adoption. But I would follow that up myself as it doesn't sound like MIL will necessarily be open in her communication.
to you all

What a sad situation. I am very sorry to hear this.

You need to see the will. You currently only have MIL's word for it that there even is one, and that it suggests you as guardians or whatever.

Also, make sure that you also speak to social services and explain fully the very valid reasons why you will be unable to care for these children. Don't rely on your MIL to do that. From what you say it doesn't really sound as though she even takes your condition all that seriously. She just expects you to pull your socks up and get on with it.

You also have to consider your DS, who already sustained a significant injury from his cousin and who should not have to live out his childhood in fear of repeated violence.

You cannot take these children. Sad, but it is that simple. The fact that you have apparently been named as potential carers without having even been consulted makes me wonder whether there even is such a will. Possibly MIL is bullshitting you.

Ok. First things first.
Tell your PILs that the kids will be staying with them for the next 2 months, no discussion. That this time will be spent assessing the situation, from its many different angles.

This is not a time for decisions, it’s a time for research.

Don’t take MIL’s word for anything. Have your own discussions with SS, a solicitor, adoption agencies etc.

Here’s the most important bit. When crisis hits, humans go into a mode of very ‘black or white’ thinking. Everything seems like very stark, impossible choices. The truth is, once things settle down a bit, there’s usually more of a rainbow of choices.

Keep asking for expert help, talk to everyone you can, keep calm. Nothing needs to be decided today. That’d be crazy.

Good luck to you, and hugs at a difficult time.

As the older one is CLA and in school they will be able to get straight through to the right people in social services. So contact the school and ask for their help.

Oh your poor thing, it must be so hard.
There's no way you can take care of these kids, you decided this when you agreed to have just one.

A family member has recently taken on a relative with fetal alcohol syndrome he's 16 and a complete nightmare, poor kid.
Family member and partner practically dedicate their life to the young man, he needs so much support and care.
They are both young and fit.

You have to do what's right for the children, it's such a shame,
Sending you a big hug

I am so sorry for your loss. You must all be in so much shock. As sad as it is for those poor children, neither you nor the in laws are the right people to look after them. They will need a lot of very dedicated support and you are not going to have the health to do it. Plus it would be so unfair on your own DS. I hope that SS can help and find the children a good place to go to.

Your MiL clearly has no understanding of your illness if she thinks you can just pull your socks up and get on with it. Can your husband get the actual state of affairs into her head?

I'm so sorry you are in this dilemma and for your sister in law's death.

The children's father is presumably still alive? He must have some ideas about the best way forward for his children.

It seems horrible to think the children would be put up for adoption again, they'd feel so abandoned.

I understand that people in their sixties are not the best ones to be looking after young children full time and you have your child and your long term health to consider. Could you not share the care of the children between you - father, grandparents, yourselves? There'd be no need for social services involvement, many families have similar informal arrangements when a parent dies.

Regarding a will, you can get a copy of a will. Here is the place to find it:
www.gov.uk/search-will-probate

Sorry if I have repeated things that others have said.

All the very best to you.

Can we try to bear in mind that MIL has just lost her daughter

The children's father is presumably still alive? He must have some ideas about the best way forward for his children.

Single women can and do adopt. There are not queues of people wanting to adopt children with complex needs.

Or do you mean their biological father/s? If known ss would have made very effort to consult with him/them prior to adoption. If he/they had the desire and capacity to look after the children then that would have been explored as an option at that point.

There'd be no need for social services involvement, many families have similar informal arrangements when a parent dies.

These are CLA with complex needs, they should have been continuing to have social services engagement. SS have to be advised of the situation immediately.

Could you not share the care of the children between you - father, grandparents, yourselves?

Children are not like the school hamster. You cant pass them from pillar to post, taking turns to have them for a while. It is reasonable to assume that the 8 year old has already been through a number of homes and the 2 year old at least 2 but possibly more.

I would worry less about the will and MIL, and instead talk to SS and see what the situation is.

Good luck. It's a hard time for you all.

Lots of posters have already said some of the things I am going to say but I do think they bear repeating.

1. It doesn’t matter if the will says she wants you to have the kids. If you don’t want to or aren’t capable of looking after them, you don’t have to.

1. You MIL might be confused about the will or lying about the will. I can’t believe someone would write a will with a request for someone to look after their kids but leave the money to someone else.

1. Also can’t believe your SIL was smart enough to write a will but not smart enough to speak to you about looking after her children.

1. Social services need to be involved ASAP. They can support you and the kids.

1. Social Services will have some input into where the kids go in the future. They may decide your medical diagnosis means you cannot care for the kids (at least that is what you can tell your in laws).

1. Social Service will also need to consider how a placement with you will affect your son. His broken arm may be a good reason for them to say that you cannot look after the children (and again, if your in laws don’t take no for an answer, you can use SS as a reason). (Actually, that may contribute to why SS has such a dreadful reputation).

1. Is your MIL aware of your diagnosis? If not, should she be? If so, I think she needs a reminder of what your future may be like.

1. Is you DH on the same page as you about the kids? Completely? Mostly? Partially? This is one of those times when one part of the couple has veto power. If you say no, it is a no. But it would really, really help if you both agree on your answer.

Good luck to you and the children 💐

Your ds comes first, always.

You should be able to request to see the will, it may be different in the uk but here you can order a copy of the will as it will be lodged.

You need to put your DS first.