Horrible horrible situation

[Blackberry10]

Long time poster on here but name changed for this
My SIL died unexpectedly 3 days ago leaving an 8 year old and a 2 year old. They are adopted but of course DH and I and the rest of the family think of them as our blood and our family in every way.

They are now with inlaws who are both nearing 70 and we have been spending most of time with them and Inlaws.
It has become apparent that DH and I are expected to look after them long term.

One of the problems is we live in a two bedroom house and already have one DS, now of course this problem could be got around

I also have a progressive disability which will mean I will end of in a wheelchair and poss worse and will need care myself. There is no way of telling when this would be and my symptoms have been getting worse. My husband does most things around the house now. I can’t drive and do manage to work 2 days a week but was seriously thinking of stopping as the pain it puts me in is not worth the money I get

My nephew has huge behavioural issues and SEN. Even though we love him he has been using DS as a punch bag whenever he sees him and actually broke DS arm six months ago being rough (DS is 4) so we have been limiting contact to when either DH or I are around to make sure DS is safe. My DS is scared to death of him.
Obviously nephew is having lots of intervention and support to help him.

My niece is thought to prob have fetal alcohol syndrome which may manifest itself more as she gets older.

We would have loved another child but we decided a few years ago due to my disability and the fact DH works all hours god sends to keep us afloat we would stop at one.

MIL broke it to us today that it is in the Will that we would have my nephew and niece if anything happened to SIL. We would never have agreed to this due to my disability the fact I will need care myself some point in the future. Apparently SIL has left life insurance to inlaws (according to MIL) but it’s not about the money, we could scrape by it’s all the other stuff

I just don’t know what to do they could end up back in care if we don’t. DH has very little family and no other siblings who could help. The inlaws health is failing so they won’t be able to offer much in the way of support.

I have spend the evening sobbing with DH not knowing what to do. At the centre of this of two very scared bereaved children. If my health was fine we would take them no question. But in 10 years I could end up in a wheelchair incontient and unable to talk or eat without a tube. I also know there is very little support out there, even less now.

DH needs to tell your MIL NO!

As previous posters have said, you need to speak to adoption services immediately. And I’m calling bullshit on the MIL and the will.

MIL I take it is happy to bestow all of the money to the children’s trust fund? She’d bloody well better.

I think the reasons that you’ve outlined are pertinent. I don’t think I could do it permanently either. I’m so sorry for all of you.

Your own DS has to come first. You can’t put him in a situation where you accept a violent child into your home and destroy his childhood by exposing him to violence on a regular basis. It will have lasting negative effects if he is forced to live in fear. That alone is enough reason to say no. On top of that you have insufficient room and a progressive disability. You have enough to cope with and can’t possibly care for two additional children with SEN.

I’d also question the safety of the 2yo if the 8yo is so violent. Does SS know that the 8yo is violent and broke your DS’s arm? Imo the 2yo should never have been placed in that situation. It sounds like it’s best for all concerned if the children go back into care and just maintain contact with your family.

I can see that MIL may be bushitting about the Will. Does anyone know how quickly we could access it to look at. I can’t see SIL putting our names down without saying anything

As you said horrible situation.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Maybe MIL means that they have been appointed executors of the will and trustees of the life insurance, I have known wills be set up that way to provide another level of independent oversight. But regardless of that you are not in a position to take on two DC with challenging behaviours and now another traumatic loss to try and process. Your DH is quite right childrens social care need to be involved asap.

With all due respect, the adoptions were granted based on circumstances that now no longer apply (though I’m sure you’d be brilliant) - would SS have something to say about that? I appreciate that people’s lives change and you can’t go switching kids out based on that but the little one’s adoption was very recent...

Life insurance absolutely can be left to a named person and depending on the type of policy it at not form part of her estate at all. The insurer can confirm ownership and evidence required for making a claim.

However, if there is no provision for the dependent children in the Will, a claim can be made under the Inheritance Act. Seems odd that she would make provision for care of the children but not financial provisions. Are PILs getting confused that money is for them, if they are named as executors?

My friend adopted her sister's child ...this child was and still is profoundly affected by being neglected as a baby and then, the sister had another child and this one had fetal alcohol syndrome so she adopted her too.

Then the sister got pregnant again and my friend had to say no when social services asked her to adopt her. It was hard but she couldn't do it.

My parents had a very similar situation to this but it was a close family friend rather than sibling who died. My mother tried her best and they took the little boy in, I'll call him Jay here but that is not his real name. He had a lot of problems, the main one being attachment syndrome. No one could really tell us anything else and we were warned he could become worse in his behaviours. Ultimately SS decided to give my parents guardianship.

It was a terrible idea from the start. My brother (same age Jay) really suffered in particular as jay became obsessed with him, but could also be quite aggressive.

None of this was jays fault obviously, he was unfortunately a little boy who had a terrible start in life and then lost the only mother he knew. Only my mother could get through to him but even that was limited. I think to an extent he recognised her as someone who would stand up for him and therefore he was more receptive to her than anyone else. I remember her ringing me in tears not knowing what to do as he was so hard to handle but she also loved him as just a little boy who needed a home.
Eventually things got so out of hand that SS decided the placement had failed and Jay was moved to another foster home.

My parents still see him and take him out I would say every other week.
They have said to me now that they realise they could not provide him with what he needed (which is basically 24 hour care and one on one support) but they can still remain a stable influence in his life. He still refers to them as his family and they are always on the other end of the phone if he wants to ring.

I'm not saying you're in the same shoes but I think with you're added health issues you need to look at what is best for you, your family and these children. Sometimes the most obvious solution (ie family/friends) is not the best for everyone.

You need to look at the needs of all the children. Clearly from what you've said them coming to you just isnt going to work. You can provide the assistance they're going to need and you have to put your child's safety first too.

Your MIL is behaving appallingly

That’s another thing SS may well not let us adopt them with my health in fact they prob wouldn’t.

Did SIL not have a partner?

You cannot just leave children to people in a will. You can express a preference for guardians but those people would always have a choice, obviously!

Also, although you are obviously very sympathetic to their in laws as they are approaching 70 and you describe them as in failing health... they do not seem to understand that your health problems actually mean you share some of the issues that make them reluctant to adopt themselves... perhaps they need a bit of a wake up call on this front as they don't seem to have thought about you or your family much at all!

I would be pushing to see the will. I know it’s not about the money but it would be very odd to have two children, make no provision for them in the will or how they will be provided for and just leave whatever you do have to your mother instead.

It's just not appropriate for you to have them. Point out to your MIL that your SIL should have spoken to you before naming you in her will. I can say that I want the Beckhams to take my dc's in the event of my death, it won't happen though.

You have a serious health condition, you have a two bed home, and your dc is afraid of his cousin. You have to think of him first.

Actually, if she left her life insurance to her parents, I can't believe you are named in the will to take the children, that makes no sense. If she was appointing you as their guardians (which she needed permission for, and her lawyer would have told her that) surely she would have left you the money too?

Ask MIL if she has seen the will and if she has a copy or knows what solicitor your SIL dealt with.

I assume your SIL adopted the children as a single woman. If so she surely talked through what would happen if she passed away.

Like others I am shocked she would have named you without asking. Did SS talk to you at any point during the process.

I also am surprised money has been left to thr MIL - surely it should either go the the children careers or be in trust for the children? Does the will leave custody to MIL?????

In my family this has all been discussed as agreed. Everyone is clear what would happen in the dreadful circumstances.

Sorry if I’ve missed this OP but is your brother unable to help?

What a terrible situation. We have made provision for dd. We have chosen a two alternatives as possible people to take dd in the event of our deaths. We discussed it with them first of course.

No way are you under any legal obligation to take the children. You can simply refuse. In your circumstances I definitely would. I’m disabled and chronically ill. I would struggle to look after one more NT child let alone what is being expected of you. Your ds is under enough stress simply by having an ill mummy. That is hard. The last thing he needs is to be bullied in his own home and have children, whose presence may make you iller faster.

I understand it must be incredibly difficult for these kids and it’s reallt really sad. Unfortunately you are not in a position to take them. Poor mites. What a sad sad situation.

Sorry, guess what I was trying to say was that wherever the children end up any money should follow them and be used for their purposes. That may even be for someone to upgrade house to one with more bedrooms, car that will seat more people etc, all reasonable expenses related to the kids.

If someone is organised enough to make a will as an adoption completes, I find it hard to believe they wouldn't discuss the children with you first or make no financial provision for them. Usually money is held in trust for the children and the executor releases it for their benefit. I'm happy to be corrected if wrong but that's how our will works.

Poor kiddies though.

Also it doesn’t sound like it is anyone’s best interests for you to take in responsibility for these children. Your MIL is grieving- she will come to realise this.

Just get through the next few days - no sudden changes or decisions - and talk to SS.

I am so sorry you are going through this

A more accurate diagnosis of fetal alcohol syndrome may be possible age 2 than as a newborn/9 months.

That’s another thing SS may well not let us adopt them with my health in fact they prob wouldn’t.

Don't rely on that though. You never know. If you feel it's not suitable to take them on, be clear about that from the start.

If your PILs are keen for them to stay in the family, maybe social services would allow them to adopt, with support?

As sad as it seems you need to put your family first