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Original poster

Horrible horrible situation

183 replies

Blackberry10 · 19/09/2018 23:16

Long time poster on here but name changed for this
My SIL died unexpectedly 3 days ago leaving an 8 year old and a 2 year old. They are adopted but of course DH and I and the rest of the family think of them as our blood and our family in every way.

They are now with inlaws who are both nearing 70 and we have been spending most of time with them and Inlaws.
It has become apparent that DH and I are expected to look after them long term.

One of the problems is we live in a two bedroom house and already have one DS, now of course this problem could be got around

I also have a progressive disability which will mean I will end of in a wheelchair and poss worse and will need care myself. There is no way of telling when this would be and my symptoms have been getting worse. My husband does most things around the house now. I can’t drive and do manage to work 2 days a week but was seriously thinking of stopping as the pain it puts me in is not worth the money I get

My nephew has huge behavioural issues and SEN. Even though we love him he has been using DS as a punch bag whenever he sees him and actually broke DS arm six months ago being rough (DS is 4) so we have been limiting contact to when either DH or I are around to make sure DS is safe. My DS is scared to death of him.
Obviously nephew is having lots of intervention and support to help him.

My niece is thought to prob have fetal alcohol syndrome which may manifest itself more as she gets older.

We would have loved another child but we decided a few years ago due to my disability and the fact DH works all hours god sends to keep us afloat we would stop at one.

MIL broke it to us today that it is in the Will that we would have my nephew and niece if anything happened to SIL. We would never have agreed to this due to my disability the fact I will need care myself some point in the future. Apparently SIL has left life insurance to inlaws (according to MIL) but it’s not about the money, we could scrape by it’s all the other stuff

I just don’t know what to do they could end up back in care if we don’t. DH has very little family and no other siblings who could help. The inlaws health is failing so they won’t be able to offer much in the way of support.

I have spend the evening sobbing with DH not knowing what to do. At the centre of this of two very scared bereaved children. If my health was fine we would take them no question. But in 10 years I could end up in a wheelchair incontient and unable to talk or eat without a tube. I also know there is very little support out there, even less now.

OP posts:

incywincybitofa · 20/09/2018 07:56

The reason it is probably in the will is that when you adopt you have to, as part of panel, make provision for the children in the event of your death.
Your SIL probably did this and hoped to rectify it/discuss it later

Post Adoption Support are the people to contact, their local one or the one of the placing authority for the younger child. They should have a plan and don't let the plan be forcing the children on you.

TiaMariaAndCoke · 20/09/2018 07:58

Another one whose spider senses are tingling re: the actual contents of this alleged will. My suspicions would be that SIL has not "assigned" the children to you at all. Given she had the compassion to adopt challenged children... I feel there's a disconnect about dropping them on you given she'd have been very much aware of your disability.

Original poster

Blackberry10 · 20/09/2018 08:14

DH has left a message this morning for the names social worker to ring him. He can take the call at work when she rings back.

He has also had a phone call from SILs very very good friend earlier this morning who wants to meet inlaws and to discuss SILs Will and SILs preferences for concerning the children. DH thinks provision may have been made with the friend who would be ideal and the names social worker may also know about it. We shall see

OP posts:

BiddyPop · 20/09/2018 08:18

It may be that SIL specified that you act as guardians to the DCs, which (not a lawyer-caveat ) means that you make the decisions about what should happen for the best interests of the DCs, not that you need to raise them yourself.

It sounds as if those decisions would be difficult, but in the best interests of all involved (you and your illness, DS and being targeted, entire family and too small house, DCs and getting property support for their additional needs...and that’s just what jumps out at me), your decisions need to be about how best to raise the DCs other than in your household.

DMIL - if not named - may be very upset at sudden death of her DD and also at potentially losing 2 DGCs.

But you need to make sure things are done right.

So see the will yourselves.
Inform the relevant authorities.
And in conjunction with them, consider how best to support the DCs while also looking after yourselves (Dh, DS and yourself).

Sorry for your loss and having to deal with this extra complication at this time (not the DCs being a complication, the organization of a temporary and a permanent solution for them being the complication).

Holidayshopping · 20/09/2018 08:24

That’s interesting about the friend. I wonder if MIL doesn't kmow anything about the will after all but has just decided herself that you should have them!

Lovemusic33 · 20/09/2018 08:24

I have been in a slightly similar situation with 2 young children that SS wanted to place in my care. One of them had previously hit my dd2 in the face, both children had behavioural issues and one had some mild SN’s. SS were quite forceful despite me not having the room to take on 2 children (they tried to say they would help me find a larger house, they wanted me to uproot my own children to make room for 2 more).
It was probably the worst thing I have been through, the guilt for not being able to take them, I had to put my own children first and my own mental health. It caused so much stress and upset.

I hope for your sake someone else is named in the will to take them and that they agree to take them. If not please don’t feel you have too. Always put your DS first and consider your own health.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 20/09/2018 08:28

A (ex) friend came back from doing her will and informed me she had named me as the legal guardian for her 2dc - . I am pretty sure without a signature from me it's not legally binding - her wishes certainly aren't mine!
Don't feel any guilt for putting your own dc first in your plans for the future.

Juells · 20/09/2018 08:29

Just because someone decides to put in their will that you're responsible for their children in the event of their death, doesn't mean it makes you legally responsible. You have enough on your plate.

ScoobyGangMember · 20/09/2018 08:34

The will is irrelevant.

AngryAttackKittens · 20/09/2018 08:37

You can't take a child who broke your son's arm into your home, especially if your own health isn't really up to constantly intervening and is likely to get worse.

The fact that MIL seems to have sensed your reluctance, and has told you that you are to have the children according to the will, and that the money is to go to MIL and FIL, is ringing alarms for me. The money should go to the children, and if for some reason SIL did will it to MIL and FIL it was most likely with the intent that it be used to take care of the children. I think MIL is lying to you, or at the very least being creative with her interpretation of what the will says. I'd suggest talking to a lawyer.

LeftRightCentre · 20/09/2018 08:38

You and your H need to present a united front to SS that you will not take these children. You can't, you have to put your DS first and you don't want to and there is nothing wrong with that.

Original poster

Blackberry10 · 20/09/2018 08:42

I will update later. SILs friend is a foster carer but has taken a bit of a break from it. Will have to wait and see what the friend and social worker says.

OP posts:

EvaHarknessRose · 20/09/2018 08:43

Don't even think about agreeing. These children need things you can't provide and you are sensible enough to recognise that. Keep repeating. Our house is too small. We don't want to move it suits our son here. I am disabled. The children need stability and this would break down sooner or later. Don't offer other ideas, just express an opinion on them if asked. Sorry for your loss.

Original poster

Blackberry10 · 20/09/2018 08:43

In all this as well we are all grieving for SIL. I am going round to spend some time with niece and nephew later today while DS is at school

OP posts:

gottastopeatingchocolate · 20/09/2018 08:47

I haven't RTFT, but I feel for you in this awful situation.

I would talk with SS direct - your MIL is calling them with her own agenda.

If you are wavering about it, ask if you can be long term foster parents, as then you will get practical and financial support.

But if you really feel that this is not going to work for you, you will have to be strong. Your MIL can negotiate with SS about any future contact with the children.

user1499173618 · 20/09/2018 08:53

Your MIL is not going to be the decision maker here. The case clearly requires SS involvement and there is absolutely no way that you and your DH can be coerced by your MIL into raising your niece and nephew. Please don’t worry

RollerJed · 20/09/2018 08:56

What a truly horrible situation OP

AnotherEmma · 20/09/2018 08:57

Sorry for your loss

Nothing much to add as I agree with everyone else

Just that I’m glad your DH has reached out to the social worker and that your SIL’s friend is involved too, as she has fostered I’m sure she’s a sensible person.

Ignore MIL as much as you can and try not to let her get to you. She can say what she wants but it’s not her decision.

Lauren0rder · 20/09/2018 08:58

What an awful situation for you all.....

However I don’t think it will be as simple as you getting the children. It’s really difficult to adopt, and I don’t think SS will let you have them in your circumstances.

So sad for the children. They will need so much support.

eelbecomingforyou · 20/09/2018 09:00

I'm so sorry. What a horrible shocking situation for you all.

Any money your SIl leaves should go to her children/the people who will be looking after them, not her in-laws.
You are under no obligation to look after the dc, especially as your SIl didn't even say she was poutting that n her will!
Your ds comes first. And your health and relationship. It's a huge commitment taking on two other dc, especially if they have extra needs.
Did SIl have a partner? an ex? Did she adopt the dc alone?
Have a look at www.savvywoman.co.uk/2014/12/getting-hold-of-a-copy-of-a-will/

I wish you the very best of luck.

StopPOP · 20/09/2018 09:00

Awful situation for you. You're right to put your DS first

NeedSomeTimeInTheSunshiiine · 20/09/2018 09:08

I'm so sorry for your family's loss, and to hear about your health condition - what a scary, horrible prognosis.

You've had plenty of good advice about talking to social worker/seeing the will etc. just wanted to add my best wishes, and also say I think you are absolutely right in saying no to this suggestion that you take the kids.

Dowser · 20/09/2018 09:15

Awful situation and I hope it’s resolved in the best way possible for all parties.
A new caring family with input from yourselves seems the best way forward.
Seems like lots of knee jerk reactions from mil who understandably is upset

janetheimpaler · 20/09/2018 09:15

Sorry for your loss. When you are named as guardians in a will, it doesn't mean that you have to be the carer, but, that you make the decision about what is in the childrens best interests. Finances can be overcome with fostering allowances for whoever cares for the children, adoption is a much more expensive alternative. Fostering too allows for a time of trial and error and the possibility of changing if it isn't working out. If the friend is the foster carer, you (with social services ) would represent your sil's wishes for the children and oversee their futures. Your parents in law would see that the life assurance payout was properly invested and secured for the children when they leave the foster care system and are independant adults. Your sister-in-law has given you decision making powers, not hoisted her children upon you. Ignore your mil's hysterics, the power is in your hands. Social services will appoint advocates for the children and will consult with you on what is in their best interests.

Hoppinggreen · 20/09/2018 09:22

Quite aside from the fact that taking the children wouldn’t be the best option for you and your family it doesn’t sound like it would be the best option fo them either.
They need extra care and you are unable to provide it and sadly with your illness they will face less stability rather than more as time goes on.
Even if you were willing and able to do this ( and it’s up to you not MIL or the will) then I don’t think it’s the best long term solution for the children either

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