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Original poster

Horrible horrible situation

183 replies

Blackberry10 · 19/09/2018 23:16

Long time poster on here but name changed for this
My SIL died unexpectedly 3 days ago leaving an 8 year old and a 2 year old. They are adopted but of course DH and I and the rest of the family think of them as our blood and our family in every way.

They are now with inlaws who are both nearing 70 and we have been spending most of time with them and Inlaws.
It has become apparent that DH and I are expected to look after them long term.

One of the problems is we live in a two bedroom house and already have one DS, now of course this problem could be got around

I also have a progressive disability which will mean I will end of in a wheelchair and poss worse and will need care myself. There is no way of telling when this would be and my symptoms have been getting worse. My husband does most things around the house now. I can’t drive and do manage to work 2 days a week but was seriously thinking of stopping as the pain it puts me in is not worth the money I get

My nephew has huge behavioural issues and SEN. Even though we love him he has been using DS as a punch bag whenever he sees him and actually broke DS arm six months ago being rough (DS is 4) so we have been limiting contact to when either DH or I are around to make sure DS is safe. My DS is scared to death of him.
Obviously nephew is having lots of intervention and support to help him.

My niece is thought to prob have fetal alcohol syndrome which may manifest itself more as she gets older.

We would have loved another child but we decided a few years ago due to my disability and the fact DH works all hours god sends to keep us afloat we would stop at one.

MIL broke it to us today that it is in the Will that we would have my nephew and niece if anything happened to SIL. We would never have agreed to this due to my disability the fact I will need care myself some point in the future. Apparently SIL has left life insurance to inlaws (according to MIL) but it’s not about the money, we could scrape by it’s all the other stuff

I just don’t know what to do they could end up back in care if we don’t. DH has very little family and no other siblings who could help. The inlaws health is failing so they won’t be able to offer much in the way of support.

I have spend the evening sobbing with DH not knowing what to do. At the centre of this of two very scared bereaved children. If my health was fine we would take them no question. But in 10 years I could end up in a wheelchair incontient and unable to talk or eat without a tube. I also know there is very little support out there, even less now.
Sad

OP posts:
GinandGingerBeer · 20/09/2018 23:16

Sorry for yours and your DH's loss Thanks
What Mil has done is unforgivable, nows not the time to pull her up on it, but post funeral, I'd shut the door on her.

ar44455 · 20/09/2018 23:25

I would ask to see the will, defiantly sounds odd to me. If you had life insurance it would surely go to your kids ?

Monday55 · 20/09/2018 23:28

FlowersFlowersFlowers Sorry for your loss OP

Your MIL needs a word or two.

dinosaurkisses · 20/09/2018 23:31

I keep trying to remind myself that your MIL is grieving herself so might not be acting as she normally would, but she sounds like a villain in a Roald Dahl novel.

Original poster
Blackberry10 · 20/09/2018 23:33

The social worker seemed to imply that the kids would move into friends in the next few days. Would this happen so quickly?
Nephew has actually been asking for friend as she has been really involved in his upbringing
MIL is and always will be toxic, FIL is better but enables her

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 20/09/2018 23:36

That is good news. Your sil had clearly thought this through and made sensible plans - what a great mum.

There may be issues with your mil accepting this. She may try to hold on to the little ones. She is grieving and this might seem like another loss.

She will need a lot of support. Hopefully the friend already knows her and they can agree an arrangement to suit you all.

Again so sorry for you loss

Dollymixture22 · 20/09/2018 23:39

Sorry op our poss crossed - I meant good news about the friend.

Your mil does sound s bit awful. Is she allowing the children to see this lady?

I am not an expert - but if this couple are registered foster carers then it could happen quickly I think - unless the mil challenges it which hopefully she won’t. She might ask for longer with the children which surely they would all allow under the circumstances-if that is best for the children and it might not be.

Dowser · 20/09/2018 23:40

It beggars be,key how awful people can be at times of great sadness.

You are not alone. I know several people going through this.

Ted27 · 20/09/2018 23:41

If the children are comfortable with her the sooner the better to be honest. They will be very confused and shocked, they need stability at this time and certainty about where they are going to live.

She sounds supportive of maintaing the family relationship, you will be able to spend time with them over the next few weeks able to support them instead of wrestling with guilt and worrying about the future

Gersemi · 20/09/2018 23:42

At some point - but not yet - your husband is going to have to have a serious conversation with his mother about the outright lies she told, to say nothing of the disgraceful way she talked about you.

JakeBallardswife · 20/09/2018 23:45

Thank goodness friend came forward as soon as possible and it seems as if SIL Knew exactly the right thing to do. I can see moving forward that mother-in-law will be The issue. I hope the planning of the funeral goes as smoothly as possible.

MyOtherProfile · 21/09/2018 06:26

Thank goodness it won't turn out as it seemed in your OP. I wonder if mil knew about the arrangement with the friend but thought if she got you to take the children she could keep the money.

So glad too that you can stay involved with the children.

DartmoorDoughnut · 21/09/2018 06:42

Being generous is like to think that MIL just doesn’t want to lose the children and that is why she lied, plus she’s just lost her daughter, horrible or not that has to put your world on its head Sad

In any case at least you no longer have the worry of how to make it work as from what you’ve posted it wouldn’t have worked and your poor DS would’ve been terrified Sad

Hope the funeral planning goes ok and that MIL let’s the DC go to the friend without any drama, they’ve had enough in their lives poor buggers

ArtemisWeatherwax · 21/09/2018 06:51

Who is the executor of the will? Has your DH seen a copy of it yet? Those children are going to need all the provision your SIL made for them.

Holidayshopping · 21/09/2018 07:26

How did your MIL react to this friend’s revelation?

SnuggyBuggy · 21/09/2018 07:27

I'm really hoping it doesn't turn out she was trying to take money from two recently orphaned children.

eddielizzard · 21/09/2018 07:33

Wow your MIL is a piece of work. Sounds like your SIL has made very good provision.

AnotherEmma · 21/09/2018 07:41

Glad it’s all turned out well.

Clearly MIL has caused a lot of unnecessary stress and upset at a time which is already difficult for everyone Sad She clearly wasn’t going to get very far with her comments about you taking the children and her taking the life insurance, given that the arrangements in the legal documents say otherwise.

Hope the funeral arrangements can be sorted without too much extra stress and you can distance yourselves from MIL after that.

Holidayshopping · 21/09/2018 07:49

I can’t believe your MIL did that though-lying about getting her daughters money, lying about the will, telling you that you HAD to have the children as SIL put it in the will and just pull your socks up about your MS?

There are such a lot of lies that would all be exposed the minute the will was read-how could she’s possibly think you wouldn’t find out?!

Do you think the SIL hadn’t told her about the children going to the fostering friend? Was their relationship good?

CoraPirbright · 21/09/2018 08:08

Oh what a relief! Sounds like an excellent solution all round.

And as for your MIL...grieving or not, to tell such a pack of lies over something SO serious (the emotional and financial future of two very vulnerable children) is unspeakably awful.

Flowers for you all and hope it all goes smoothly from now on.

FunSponges · 21/09/2018 08:16

Best outcome possible. I hope your MIL doesn't make it too difficult.

Talcott2007 · 21/09/2018 09:29

So sorry for your loss OP. I was so relieved to see your latest updates. The children going to your SIL's friend will be for the best for everyone given the circumstances - More so these arrangements are actually your SIL wishes

ThanksItHasPockets · 21/09/2018 10:17

I’m so relieved to read your update, OP. Hopefully you can now begin to grieve, knowing that your SIL’s wishes are going to be respected. Flowers

It’s a really salutary reminder, however, to all of us to ensure that our wishes in the event of our death are properly set down in a will.

Lauren0rder · 21/09/2018 12:31

What a great update during really difficult times.

I’m so pleased it’s sorted but what’s going on with your MIL?

Shocking behaviour.

gesu · 21/09/2018 12:39

Would they live with tge friend long term?