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Original poster

Horrible horrible situation

183 replies

Blackberry10 · 19/09/2018 23:16

Long time poster on here but name changed for this
My SIL died unexpectedly 3 days ago leaving an 8 year old and a 2 year old. They are adopted but of course DH and I and the rest of the family think of them as our blood and our family in every way.

They are now with inlaws who are both nearing 70 and we have been spending most of time with them and Inlaws.
It has become apparent that DH and I are expected to look after them long term.

One of the problems is we live in a two bedroom house and already have one DS, now of course this problem could be got around

I also have a progressive disability which will mean I will end of in a wheelchair and poss worse and will need care myself. There is no way of telling when this would be and my symptoms have been getting worse. My husband does most things around the house now. I can’t drive and do manage to work 2 days a week but was seriously thinking of stopping as the pain it puts me in is not worth the money I get

My nephew has huge behavioural issues and SEN. Even though we love him he has been using DS as a punch bag whenever he sees him and actually broke DS arm six months ago being rough (DS is 4) so we have been limiting contact to when either DH or I are around to make sure DS is safe. My DS is scared to death of him.
Obviously nephew is having lots of intervention and support to help him.

My niece is thought to prob have fetal alcohol syndrome which may manifest itself more as she gets older.

We would have loved another child but we decided a few years ago due to my disability and the fact DH works all hours god sends to keep us afloat we would stop at one.

MIL broke it to us today that it is in the Will that we would have my nephew and niece if anything happened to SIL. We would never have agreed to this due to my disability the fact I will need care myself some point in the future. Apparently SIL has left life insurance to inlaws (according to MIL) but it’s not about the money, we could scrape by it’s all the other stuff

I just don’t know what to do they could end up back in care if we don’t. DH has very little family and no other siblings who could help. The inlaws health is failing so they won’t be able to offer much in the way of support.

I have spend the evening sobbing with DH not knowing what to do. At the centre of this of two very scared bereaved children. If my health was fine we would take them no question. But in 10 years I could end up in a wheelchair incontient and unable to talk or eat without a tube. I also know there is very little support out there, even less now.
Sad

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 20/09/2018 04:03

Does your husband have more family members who could help out here? No, children are not hamsters and they need a stable home. But it is true that it takes a village to raise a child - you and your husband coud still contribute significantly to their upbringing, even if they don't live with you.

SD1978 · 20/09/2018 05:01

It's not about the money- but funds would be required if this was even a possibility. A larger house, adapted for your future needs, with space for all three children, and money for appropriate interventions for the kids. You do t believe mentally and physically you can provide care for these children, and financially you can't either. Unfortunately that answers the question. I'd be honest. It's a physical, safety aspect, and there is financially no way to make it work safely. I'm sorry you've been put in this position. It is awful, but if you can't cope due to the SN confirmed in l e child, strongly suspected I. The other child, then the answer is no.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 20/09/2018 05:52

Apart from anything else it doesn't sound like you are able to offer the level of support they will need, due to your health. It would surely be much worse to take them in and then potentially have to give them up later on. I'm so sorry though. What a horrendous situation for you all Flowers

Devilishpyjamas · 20/09/2018 06:08

Din’t Leave it to MIL - god knows what she will tell SS. Ring SS yourself. Tell them that your nephew broke you son’s arm & so you have not been leaving them unattended. Tell them about your disability and say you are worried about safeguarding all the children.

I think it’s highly unlikely given the children’s needs (& all the kids I know with FAS have significant, complex needs) & the history of the broken arm & the impact of your disability that SS would even allow the children to reside with you.

I ‘m sorry it must be such a difficult time for the whole family, but talk to SS asap as they need to know (& fwiw SS are ime pretty good in a crisis - not so good with day to day stuff unless you strike lucky with your SW but usually good when decisions need to be made quickly).

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 20/09/2018 06:23

It’s clear from your post that taking the children in would not be a good solution. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone in this situation to take these children on. Adopted children have additional issues, these children may well have even more due to bereavement.

You definitely need to see a copy of the will, it seems bizarre that she would appoint you as a guardian but not leave her money in directly or in trust to the children or their guardians. If their adoptions are complete there would be no reason for Social Services to be involved, unless there is no one able to look after them. Also as a guardian that does not mean that you need to have physical custody, it means that you are the ones to oversee their care and make decisions in their best interests, strange that she never asked for your agreement to be involved.

PixieMiss · 20/09/2018 06:26

The older child broke your 4 year olds arm!! Im not surprised he is scared stiff. Think about how this could affect him too. On this fact alone I am afraid that I would have to decline taking them on, regardless of health issues!

jeanne16 · 20/09/2018 06:28

It was completely unreasonable to name you in the Will as their guardians without first asking you. Also the life insurance money should go to the people caring for the children, not someone else. Totally unreasonable all round.

Chrisinthemorning · 20/09/2018 06:39

It’s very clear in your OP that you shouldn’t take these children. I don’t think you want to, you have health problems which will make it difficult and it will make your DS unhappy.
I think you need to make it very clear now that it isn’t an option, that you will of course provide support, be a loving Uncle and Aunt, but having them come to live with you is not going to happen.
Please don’t feel guilty either, it reads as though doing it would ruin all your lives.
Do the children not have a father?

cushiony · 20/09/2018 06:39

You must put your DS first.

mamansnet · 20/09/2018 06:53

I know nothing about adoption so can't really help, but I think you definitely need to see the will (am surprised MIL has already found it given SIL died so suddenly and so recently) and talk to social services. Perhaps they wouldn't approve you for adoption anyway, given your health problems?

cptartapp · 20/09/2018 07:05

I wouldn't do it. Your DS comes first.
Think long term, and as a woman if your marriage cracked under the stress, you would highly likely be left with all three. Where's the father here for example?

InionEile · 20/09/2018 07:09

There's no such thing as 'having to take' the children. If you can't look after them, you can't and that's it. Your DS has been hurt already and you are facing some serious long-term care issues of your own that make the prospect of taking on 2 additional children, possibly with SEN, unrealistic.

Is there anyone else in the extended family who could help? I'm surprised that social services even allowed your SIL to adopt as a single parent without her having a credible plan of care for the children if anything happened to her. I even doubt that social services would approve you and your DH to take on the two children anyway given the issues with your future health needs, the injury your DS already suffered and the lack of space in your home.

They're not going to just 'give' the children to you because your SIL named you in the will. They will have to do a proper assessment of how the needs of the children will be met and take into account all the issues you mention.

Redken24 · 20/09/2018 07:10

Is sil husband dead also?
Yes her daughter is dead but it seems a bit out of the blue to place children with someone they know is disabled with potential for it to get worse. (Sorry)

KosmoKramer · 20/09/2018 07:12

The adoption service at the LA must be informed immediately. They have processes in place to deal with this...please call them before you worry any further.

newdaylight · 20/09/2018 07:15

Sounds like if MIL calls social services she'lltell them it's all fine because you'll look after the kids. Why don't you ring social services instead?

Clearly wouldn't be right for them to come to you, and would probably result in even more heartbreak for them down the line if it happened, because I imagine the situation would not last and you'd end up having to put your DS first. Doing that now as you are doing is the better option.

You don't need to try and look at the will. Just say no.

StepBackNow · 20/09/2018 07:22

You have to say no from the start. Don't let them guilt trip you.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 20/09/2018 07:26

Your mil does not get to dictate your future or that of the dc.
Ring Ss.

And get a copy of the will, not legally binding you have to have the dc but you need to see if the dc have money that can be set aside for them wherever they end up.

oatmilk4breakfast · 20/09/2018 07:28

I’m so sorry for your loss and the situation you’re MIL is putting on you here. You’re getting some good advice on here. I hope discussions with SS go really well. (Agree with you - children can’t live full time under your roof in circumstances you’ve described).

oatmilk4breakfast · 20/09/2018 07:29

‘Your’ not ‘you’re’ obv - sorry
Also meant to add💐

oatmilk4breakfast · 20/09/2018 07:36

PS agree that if MIL is telling you that ‘have to take them’ it should be you that needs to ring SS and have a frank and open discussion. Without seeing the will, it’s not even clear what your SIL’s wishes really were. Your MIL may be panicking in her grief and her insistence is partly coming from that? Very unfair on you though.

Holidayshopping · 20/09/2018 07:36

Your MiL sounds horrible! What does your DH say?

Of course you can’t take them-your poor DS.

Jessbow · 20/09/2018 07:42

For heaven sake, poor kids,
Get onto their /her designated SW today. They will have one. If they dont because the adoption is now complete, it only happened a month ago, and the SW that was assigned to them will remember them, probably still making visits anyway.

Right now, the least important thing is making sure the kids are supported by an appropriate person, not who is getting what from a will.

executors are responsible for executing the will to the best of their ability. Nobody else is entitled to see it until probate is granted, nor is it given that a copy is lodged anywhere.

You know the process that she went through to adopt these two, hoop after hoop. In order for someone else to do so, they would have to undergo the same process. Nobody will insist you do , nor would SS allow you to unless your heart was 110% in it.

Alwa · 20/09/2018 07:48

What a horrible situation, those poor kids.

Did she have a partner?

CormoranStrike · 20/09/2018 07:52

This would not be in the interests of your son, who must come first.

Also, I doubt SS would consider your situation appropriate, even though your hearts may be in the right place.

SilverApples · 20/09/2018 07:53

Did she adopt them as a single parent?

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