Stupid/offensive things people say when you're disabled

[SeekingClosure]

I have ms and use a mobility scooter for longer distances. Yesterday I was at a tourist attraction having a nice time, when a member of staff came up to me to say 'oh it's alright for some, riding about on that all day!'. I was quite taken aback at his crassness but my female conditioning came into play and I did a cross between eyes raised in incredulity and a smile. I didn't make a complaint because his I.d. indicated he was a volunteer.

When I go to Aldi I walk around leaning on the trolley, some days with more difficulty than others. One day the assistant on the till remarked brightly 'you're hobbling less than usual today!'. Hobbling fgs.

I realise these two examples were not intentionally hurtful but really, why comment on a person's disability at all? My illness is not public property!

Share your examples of this kind of thing please. I would especially love to hear any fitting retorts you have made as I am always stunned into silence!

tara336 MS here too. And to look at me, you'd never know there was anything wrong. Because fatigue, numbness and tingling are invisible. Yep, I get "are you sure? You don't look ill" too. I just don't tell anyone unless I absolutely have to as it gets tiring just trying to explain!

@ProfessorMoody I’ve had elderly people sidle up to my car as I’ve put the badge in the window to see if it’s real. I’ve had a traffic warden ask to see my photo on the badge because on a day I was really rough I was being driven I’m in the habit of putting the badge in the window if I’m driving but combination of not driving/being ill I forgot and he seemed genuinely annoyed he couldn’t ticket me as I was away from the car seconds when I remembered he was so rude to me I complained about him.

The most shocking was after a bad relapse DP said let’s get you out the house we will find somewhere nice for afternoon tea, I was so excited as hadn’t left the house for ages. I decided to dress up a bit, new coat etc. We went for a drive found a nice place to stop and used an on street disabled bay. Had our afternoon tea and as we walked outside to the car an old woman actually started abusing me from r using the bay SHE needed and that there was clearly nothing wrong with me etc. I was crying DP shouted at her and she promptly shot of down the road on foot saying how rude we were for shouting at her!

@Bluesheep8 I feel your pain! I have to have Botox now as developed a hemifacial spasm I’ve said to my neuro he’s really not helping with people believing I have MS by giving me Botox as people keep telling me how well I look 😂

"You get so many perks, it's a bit unfair sometimes isn't it?" the 'perks' are a CEA card that allows a carer in for free when DC goes to the cinema and a MAX card that allows discounted/free entry to attractions even though these are mainly to reflect the fact that you're not going to be enjoying the cinema/attraction yourself because you're caring for a disabled child and/or will probably have to leave early because they can't cope with life.

"There's nothing wrong with him that a smacked backside wouldn't fix", strangely enough the medical community don't advocate a good beating as the cure for autism.

"He'll have to learn to cope"/"He'll have to just get on with it", basically DC, have you tried just not being disabled?

"He looks fine to me", that's because he hasn't had his official club tattoo done yet but as soon as he hits 18 we'll get his diagnosis inked right onto his forehead.

"They never had any of this in my day", they did but it was woefully undiagnosed so only the most severe cases were recognised and usually institutionalised while the rest were written off as naughty or troubled.

"My cousin had the same thing but his mum cured him with aloe vera shite/turmeric/organic food/a vegetarian diet", sure she did...

@Tara336
That’s so horrible to hear, some people are so ignorant.
I’ve been thinking lately as part of my job if it’s worth going into schools to give talks as there is so little awareness of certain conditions, I have to be honest I’m 36 now and started doing my current job just over 4 years ago and I was completely ignorant of so many things, how the care system works, blue badges etc, not to the extent that I would ever be rude to anyone obviously but until people are educated these things are going to keep on happening. I don’t think people realise elbow what to them is an offhand comment they won’t think twice about can ruin a persons day or make them really upset and feel like not leaving the house for a prolonged period of time and really set them back. I’ve had people I’ve worked with where they’ve had a really good day then one callous insensitive remark will ruin it for them, of course it’s not all about educating people as unfortunate there are some people out there who are just fucking cold hearted bastards.

''What have you done to yourself''.

I think its some kind of defense mechanism, its too scary for some people to realise it might happen to them.

At Legoland several years ago, I had DS in the disabled priority queue ( or whatever they call it )

Its alongside the normal queue. A man leaned over and HIT DS on the back of the head and told me it was not fair to make his kids wait.

Sadly, cos I had to deal with poor distraught Ds who had NO IDEA what had just happened I was unable to vault the barrier and kill him though I do re-run that incident in my mind often............

The very disabled are treated like dirt.

Another story but it wasn't me it was one of my sons carers that told me...............Chessington, a group of cancer suffering children ( some bald with nasal gastric tubes which should have been a clue to the general public there) The general public bitched and moaned that the whole group of cancer sufferers all got on one "go" of the ride meaning the general public lost 3 minutes of their lives...........

One of the childrens mothers was also there.

She turned to the general public and announced " Come back next year, half of them will be dead by then and you won't have to wait as long "

@senmumoftom that prick should have been arrested and banged up that’s horrendous. What gets me is that some people who otherwise seem reasonable think nothing of discriminating against those with disabilities , it’s either ignoring their needs, patronising pity or general disdain and it boils my piss

I must be very naive. People actually say this kind of crap???? My god what’s wrong with them. Don’t judge what you don’t know or understand.

@overnightangel I think the problem is (certainly with the blue badge) is that people think that it is very easy to obtain (it’s not). I think that the other problem is people’s perception of what a disabled person should look like and how they should behave. I can only go from my own experience obviously but I look very healthy, I take care of myself and I think I dress quite smartly. The time when the old lady abused us my DP was driving my Mercedes Convertible (not bragging but I think it’s relevant). Joe Bloggs/Mr Average thinks that to hold a blue badge I must walk with a stick (I do use one on very bad days) be In a wheelchair, look like I’m at deaths door and drive a very sensible car to carry all the necessary equipment I might need.

I was also told by someone recently I must be a drain on society as apparently a lot of people quite wrongly believe that if you have a blue badge you must be on benefits/not working.

i think it’s an excellent idea to educate people and the same as you I had absolutely no idea how the system works (I still don’t as I have continued to work)

If you choose to do some talks please feel free to use what I’ve said as an example.

I have only know I have MS for 6 years and I am still coming to terms with it but the one thing I said I sent I would not let it change my life any more then it had too, the MS hasn’t changed my life I just know why I have felt so ill for so long now. It’s other people who have changed my life and the way friends, family and complete strangers behave towards me.

'Oh dear,what have you done to yourself?' is the most common one because I use one or sometimes 2 walking sticks. Like I've sprained my ankle or something. No,it's chronic rheumatoid and osteo arthritis.

'You look too young to be disabled'. Disability is no respecter of age. And I'm nearly 55 for goodness sake! Just how old do you have to be to 'qualify' to be disabled?

'Should you be out?' Because it's cold.

'So what's wrong with you then?'. This one really gets my back up because it's invariably a total stranger,in a busy place. I don't really want to discuss my health issues with you,with dozens of people eaves dropping.

@Tara336 thanks for sharing your story, the 2 blokes I look after present as quite obviously disabled but I think it’s horrendous that on top of your health issues you have to put up with abuse and have to justify yourself to ignorant idiots. How dare you have a nice car?!! It must have been a shock to the system getting your diagnosis, but I suppose it explains why you’d been feeling the way you did. I really would like to go into school both my brothers are teachers so I may start there, sadly the examples you’ve mentioned are pretty much endemic. I will definitely use what you’ve said, thank you.
Another little thing..... more about the system, lad with muscular dystrophy has 2 to 1 care, the council only grant one carer getting on the bus for free with him (and him free too) even tho it’s a CQC approved card plan , utter madness.
I have a friend who has a blue badge who suffers from chronic pain and some days is fine other days struggles to get out the car and walk it absolutely infuriated me the amount of people that question her eligibility to have the badge.
The ignorance in this country is astounding

@overnightangel it was a relief to get the diagnosis as I had odd things happen over many years that sometimes I’d go to the doctor about other times I’d ignore. When the diagnosis came all the weird little things made sense. It is hard to deal with sometimes people get dealt worse cards than this. I had a lovely little two seater sports car when I was diagnosed, I told my “friend” my diagnosis and her first words were “well that car will have to go then” y answer to that should have involved @@#£ off but I just said “why I have had the car two years MS possibly 20 the only difference is today I know I have it” so seeing as she didn’t approve of me driving a little two seater convertible I bought a 4 seater convertible 😂 I think I got my point across to her 😉.

I have a friend who’s young son has an awful debilitating illness and I was shocked that she can only have a set amount of hours help per month! She is amazing!

@Tara336 love your attitude re the car, brilliant!! “I bought a 4 seater convertible 😂” 😁😁😁
Yeah I’ve found out over the years that the way funding and support hours are allocated is a lottery it’s an absolute joke and there’s no consistency and there’s so many agencies to go through it’s like pushing an elephant up the stairs trying to get people what they are entitled to this government have a fucking lot to answer for regarding funding . No info is ever offered you have to do all the work yourself and if people who are vulnerable have no one in their corner to help out they get screwed over. The only way to get anything qdone it to moan and twine and badger people, and it shouldn’t have to be this way.

@overnightangel I had no idea what she had to put up with until she was telling me how a charity had arranged for them to have a trip to Disneyland Paris and she would need extra help while there so would have to save her hours up! She’s so lovely and does so much with so little help

@Tara336 it’s such a minefield and so unfair, I started off at the bottom and have a passion for what I do now and working my way up with my qualifications etc and I deal with so many inept people from various agencies who just doing care and let things slip through the cracks it’s unreal. The. On the flip side have so many colleagues who are on minimum wage who care so much and go above and beyond, the whole system is arse over tit. Sorry to hear your friend has to go through so much to get what she is entitled to. Unfortunately lots of people don’t have a voice so this gets swept under the carpet and no one knows about it. It’s the biggest I known travesty in the country as far as I’m concerned. There is so little provision for people with certain disabilities and so little
Knowledge of certain conditions as I was saying, maybe I’m idealistic or naive but government and society should be looking after those most vulnerable first and foremost then go from there, we can but dream

I'm a lifelong wheelchair user. An elderly friend of the family is having some health issues. I asked how she was and she gestured to my wheelchair and said "Well, better than you."

@TheHatOfDoom she sounds lovely

I don't have a disability but I do have a daughter with quad CP.
The most crass thing anyone said to me was at her first birthday, from a mum with a non-disabled daughter the same age "you're so lucky that she'll always be at that baby stage - I find it so hard knowing my DD will grow up and not need me any more". I was stunned into silence and even 4 years later haven't thought of an appropriate response!

Someone also asked me if I'd tried juicing, as that might cure her.

"You get so many perks, it's a bit unfair sometimes isn't it?"
So so many like DLA - we live like kings- a Max card - only handy if the bairn will leave the house - and a place in a special school - "Oh, I wish my kids could get such a child-centred education, you're so lucky".

Someone also asked me if I'd tried juicing, as that might cure her

I really hope you asked them how she'd fit in the juicer.

‘You’re a burden to me’

My mum. I was 13 and it was because she still had to help me brush my hair.

I still cry over it now.

Also I hate people talking over me/talking through my friends to me - e.g. ‘is Loki going back to Zumba this month?’ - I have cerebral palsy, I’m not deaf. I can hear and understand you perfectly. Talk to me!

All that patronising ‘special’ stuff, it’s all bollocks to me personally! I’m disabled!

Oh the DLA and digs about it and people making suggestions as if it's a limitless small fortune that can be spent on all kinds of luxuries

"We're all a bit autistic" or "every child does that" when you describe why you thought your child was autistic.

"There's nothing wrong with her, she's just a normal kid" - 2 people have said that to me. If they REALLY knew my child then they'd know that the struggle is real