It’s me again dears, just to let you know about a couple of ideas I’ve come up with for my new breakfast show
First of all I’m bringing back ‘How Clean is Your House’ but I’ve changed it a bit obviously, my loves, because this is radio and the show that made me famous was on the telly. So we’re not going to be able to ‘see’ how mucky you are, but I’ll find out dears, mark my words on that. Through a series of probing cleaning related questions, and no-one can probe or clean more than yours truly.
If you don’t want the British public to know what a sloven you are then don’t ring in to my ‘How Clean is Your House’ feature. It’s as simple as that darlings so don’t say you haven’t been warned. If you do ring in however you will get a Radio 2 Kim’s Breakfast Pinny with matching Rubber Gloves, and a Kim Looky Likey Lavatory Brush with blond bristles tied in a bun to match my hair – which as you know is one of my trademarks.
Oh and it’s going to just be me – no Aggie – because to tell you the truth my loves she didn’t half get on my wick. I’m not one to ‘dish the dirt’ …. well I am in a way being a career cleaner and all that, but I mean ‘dirt’ in a different way here if you see what I mean.
Me and Aggie never really got on, but that’s all drain cleaner down the plughole now, because I’ve gone on to superstardom while Aggie, poor love hasn’t quite achieved the same giddy heights of fame as me. Anyway we’ll leave it there because, as you and Coleen Nolan know only too well – I’m not a one to bear grudges.
Another new feature is going to be called ‘Start the Day with Kim but don’t Start with Kim’. To be honest loves, the title needs a bit of work, but you get the gist. It’s going to be a guest interviewing segment where we invite celebs on to ‘Start the Day with Kim’ but at the same time letting them know not to ‘Start with Kim’ because if they do they will get it back with both barrels.
To tell you the God's honest truth my darlings, I’m not too keen on having guests on my show but the Radio 2 people insist on it, and as they are paying me all that lovely money, there’s not a lot I can do about it. I have given them a list of no-nos though – no-one who has the surname Nolan; no-one who has appeared in Birds of a Feather; no-one from CBB (apart from the lovely Rylan); no Philip Schofield and no-one who I consider chicken-livered, two-faced or trash – which is most of the people I come across. So who they are going to find to come on, I’m not quite sure?
So that’s it for now and before I go here’s another of my favourite tunes for the playlist. It’s the lovely George Formby with ‘When I’m Cleaning Windows’.
It always makes me smile this one, because I’m thrilled to say that now I’m a superstar radio presenter I will never have to clean another ruddy window again! There’s always an upside to everything isn’t there my loves?