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Original poster

Absolutely raging - need to vent!!

535 replies

Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 21:41

14 year DD went away bank holiday weekend to the seaside with her dad, his gf and her 10 month old baby brother, she's seemed a little upset and withdrawn since coming back and tonight she finally told me why.
Two reasons - firstly for 2 nights out of the 3 DD was made to babysit her brother so her dad and gf could go out for dinner and drinks, apparently they were only at a bar a couple of minutes walk away so told DD to call if baby woke up and left her with a KFC for dinner both nights - ok some might say at 14 DD is old enough to babysit but they were all supposed to be on a holiday together.
Second reason I'm so raging I've sank a bottle of red in 20 minutes trying to keep calm. They all shared a room, DD was on a sofa bed, she heard/saw her dad and his gf having sex TWICE!!! First time she said she was facing the wall drifting off to sleep and heard them having sex, second time she was facing out into the room half woke up with a cramp in her leg wanted to turn over but saw they were having sex and shut her eyes and didn't dare move as she didn't want them to know she saw anything.... I'm fuming!!! DD said they came back from both nights out extremely drunk so don't know if they were both so pissed they weren't with it but what the actual fuck!!

DD has made me promise not to say anything to her dad as she doesn't want them to know that she saw/heard anything cos she's so embarrassed, upset and she spends every second weekend with them so doesn't want any awkwardness, obviously i wanna rip his head off but want to respect my DDs wishes. DH thinks I need to say something regardless of DD asking not to as he thinks it's too serious to just leave.

OP posts:
Uncreative · 02/09/2018 23:04

I don’t think this is a ‘report to social services’ matter but you should speak to your ex and explain why DD doesn’t want to visit this weekend.

I know you told her you wouldn’t tell him but I do think you have to.

Can you tell DD that she doesn’t have to go (this weekend) but you do need to explain why to her dad? Reassure her she has nothing to be embarrassed about. As a PP said, you are her mother and have to act in her best interests.

bastardkitty · 02/09/2018 23:04

acrossthepond I have reported your post because it's completely inappropriate and frankly idiotic.

LoniceraJaponica · 02/09/2018 23:07

Quite apart from their shockingly bad behaviour I would wonder why they would even want to have sex in front of a 14 year old. Shudder.

Missingstreetlife · 02/09/2018 23:09

Send a text? Send a fucking text, I don't think so
Everyone needs to calm down and think properly in the cold sober light of day
Then both parents should meet and discuss this calmly,mans let him realise how bad this is and could lead to stopping contact
His head has been turned and his gf is stupid too
Give your girl a hug, thank her for telling you, say this is for adults to sort out and she has done nothing wrong. Ffs

NoMudNoLotus · 02/09/2018 23:11

@AcrossthePond55 gpes against all safeguarding.

Also reported.

Notasunnybunny · 02/09/2018 23:11

I was hoping someone with some professional experience would come on and give you some advice, I really think this is bad enough that you need help handling the situation. maybe NSPCC ? Your daughter is clearly very very upset and traumatised, as others have said this is a form of child abuse. Completely horrifying.

I’m not an expert but I wouldn’t say anything to your dd about having to breach her confidence, it’s important she feels she can trust you at this time, again someone the NSPCC/childline or similar will be able to help with appropriate advice /counselling etc. Right now dd needs to feel safe, she feels embarrassed and ashamed as victims of sexual abuse often do despite this not being her fault. She will try and minimise it, also as abuse victims do. YOU need to take it seriously and ensure she gets help coming to terms with it, for a 14 year old this is HUGE.
Get on the phone to someone ASAP Don’t minimise this because your ex has been a good father. Your DD should not have to see her abusers, do not try and keep the status quo. Your dd will probably try to do this, you need to take control and protect her.
I’m so so very sorry you and your dd are having to deal with this, you must be in the most awful shock.

If this happened to me as an adult I’d feel pretty unpleasant but she is a child and this is so much worse.

Notasunnybunny · 02/09/2018 23:12

Ah I see cross post with someone else suggesting NSPCC

Despacitoincognito · 02/09/2018 23:12

Even without the sex it's not really an appropriate sleeping arrangement for a 14 year old girl. With the sex it is abusive and damaging and I'm so sorry for your poor DD. How fucking dare they - it's so self absorbed and selfish, what they've done. You do need to tell your ex that your DD is very upset and why and that she doesn't want contact for a while. And tell him you take this matter very seriously and need to think about how to protect DD and about 'safeguarding issues this may raise depending on whom she chooses to tell'.

shakeyourcaboose · 02/09/2018 23:13

across the pond are you serious/on glue?! Would I fuck, express any of the crap you have posted about this being the norm!! For a 14 yo and a 10 month old to be in the same room as shagging adults. vile.

Uncreative · 02/09/2018 23:13

@bastardkitty We all have our own take in things but I don’t think @acrossthepond was unreasonable. Her suggestion was a measured response which would not sit well with everyone but it is a valid opinion. There was no need to report it.

Keep in mind that it was not a deliberate plan that the daughter should have seen and heard her father having sex in the same room. I do think it was an act of monumental stupidity by the father which will have ramifications and it is a safeguarding issue but given that it was drunken stupidity rather calculated abuse, it is not a criminal offense.

ohtheholidays · 02/09/2018 23:14

CleanI really feel for your DD,you and your DH,he sounds like a great stepdad bless him.

What your ex has done is a form of child cruelty and depending on how it's looked at both himself and his GF could be in real trouble for performing a sexual act infront a minor,it's different when it comes to baby obviously because the baby has no understanding but your DD is 14 and drunk or sober they should both know what they have done is very wrong!

Adding in the fact that they were both drunk and had 2 children with them one only being 10 months old that looks like child neglect.

If your not sure what to say to him or how to broach it with your DD give the NSPCC a ring,you don't have to give them your details if you don't want to but they are brilliant when it comes to offering support and having the knowledge about what to do next.
www.nspcc.org.uk/

I hope you all manage to get some sleep tonight and I hope you all get some help with this awful situation you have all been placed in Flowers

LoniceraJaponica · 02/09/2018 23:15

I'm staggered at their lack of social awareness and how they don't think it is inappropriate behaviour.

RandomMess · 02/09/2018 23:16

Seriously what will SS do? They will advise you stop contact if it isn't guaranteed that it won't happen again I should think but what else?

Priority is supporting your DD, NSPCC probably the best source of support. I should imagine telling your Ex the fact that what occurred was abuse and he's traumatised his DD will get through to him how unbelievably stupid they were Angry

Hugs to you and DD Thanks

AwdBovril · 02/09/2018 23:17

AcrossThePond - don't you think you're minimising just a tiny bit there? There's a world of difference between a child accidentally walking in on their parents, versus waking up in the night & realising their father & GF are drunkenly shagging in the same room, from which the child cannot leave without betraying what they've witnessed? And they have nowhere to go anyway?

If the adults involved had considered the situation when they were sober, they would, presumably, not have done it. Therefore there's really no excuse for them to have done it when they were drunk. If they thought they wouldn't be able to control themselves, they shouldn't have got that drunk. There's really no excuse for it.

londonista · 02/09/2018 23:18

Am I missing a post by AcrossThePond? The one I read said that it's not uncommon - not that it's normal!!

I agree with much of what was written in that post - I thought it was balanced advice. Feel free to report me as well.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 02/09/2018 23:19

Bet he downplays it all and says you're over-reacting.

You're absolutely not!

londonista · 02/09/2018 23:21

Lonicera, completely agree. Imagine being so drunk you forget your fully sentient 14 year old daughter is in the room (or worse, you just don't care). Ridiculous!

On the plus side, very heartened by the fact that every single response has agreed it's odd and unacceptable behaviour. I do worry we're becoming desensitised to things like this, as a society.

shakeyourcaboose · 02/09/2018 23:21

From what I've inferred they did it twice? Once, by inebriated accident while yes vile and disgusting MAY fit Ponds explanation-still horrific, but to do it again!!

sirmione16 · 02/09/2018 23:22

At 14 she has most likely had some form of sex education by now? Whilst yes it's probably horrifying hearing your parents, it doesn't sound like the dad and gf meant it to be malicious. The sex here I feel was tactless and thoughtless and drunk - and whilst wrong, ultimately it wouldn't be what I'd be ringing NSPCC about :S I'd be re assuring my daughter that sex is between a couple in love and is an act of affirming their physical relationship in a way only those mature enough can do. I'd definitely be having a firm face to face conversation with the father and certainly stopping overnight stays. I'd probably call a professional (not sure social services is right here to be honest) to have on official record the fact they left her with the 10 month old and got intoxicated whilst caring for both minors.

However, as stated - this is my approach. Others may take it much more seriously but in this day and age, at 14 sex is a known quantity, I'd prioritise establishing a healthy outlook on it for the daughter - it's the fact it's someone close to her and in the same room which is over whelming to her (which like I said is wrong) but not anything to incriminate what sounds like from OPs post an otherwise good father.

MarchingOrders · 02/09/2018 23:22

The most worrying part to me is the fact that they used her as free childcare and got incredibly drunk. A ten month old can be quite a handful at times and she was just expected to look after the baby? What if something happened and they were both drunk!? My DD is almost two and DP and I haven't been drunk together since I was pregnant. It must have been pretty scary for her to have that responsibility. It's all wrong.
Your poor DD and that poor baby.

Ohyesiam · 02/09/2018 23:23

I would call nspcc to see if they can give you some guidance on where your rat of an ex stands with the law. This might give you ways to explain to dd how you need to break her confidence, and also how to approach it with ex.
I’m so disgusted on your behalf.

MissTerryShopper · 02/09/2018 23:24

@Uncreative, I am not sure if you are in the UK as you said this was not a criminal offense (as opposed to offence) but you are incorrect. It IS a criminal offence. Want me to quote you Act and Section?

Notasunnybunny · 02/09/2018 23:26

Being drunk does not excuse subjecting a child to something like this. There is endless things I could say about the emotional harm done by being used as an unpaid holiday babysitter but the sex part takes this whole thing to a new level and makes the other poor behaviour melt into insignificance.

bastardkitty · 02/09/2018 23:27

I think people who know absolutely nothing about safeguarding and post minimising comments should make it clear on the thread that they have no training or experience and are just saying what they think.

shakeyourcaboose · 02/09/2018 23:29

@bastardkitty abso fucking lutely! Yes yes to that!