Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Absolutely raging - need to vent!!

535 replies

Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 21:41

14 year DD went away bank holiday weekend to the seaside with her dad, his gf and her 10 month old baby brother, she's seemed a little upset and withdrawn since coming back and tonight she finally told me why.
Two reasons - firstly for 2 nights out of the 3 DD was made to babysit her brother so her dad and gf could go out for dinner and drinks, apparently they were only at a bar a couple of minutes walk away so told DD to call if baby woke up and left her with a KFC for dinner both nights - ok some might say at 14 DD is old enough to babysit but they were all supposed to be on a holiday together.
Second reason I'm so raging I've sank a bottle of red in 20 minutes trying to keep calm. They all shared a room, DD was on a sofa bed, she heard/saw her dad and his gf having sex TWICE!!! First time she said she was facing the wall drifting off to sleep and heard them having sex, second time she was facing out into the room half woke up with a cramp in her leg wanted to turn over but saw they were having sex and shut her eyes and didn't dare move as she didn't want them to know she saw anything.... I'm fuming!!! DD said they came back from both nights out extremely drunk so don't know if they were both so pissed they weren't with it but what the actual fuck!!

DD has made me promise not to say anything to her dad as she doesn't want them to know that she saw/heard anything cos she's so embarrassed, upset and she spends every second weekend with them so doesn't want any awkwardness, obviously i wanna rip his head off but want to respect my DDs wishes. DH thinks I need to say something regardless of DD asking not to as he thinks it's too serious to just leave.

OP posts:
Moononthehill28 · 02/09/2018 22:01

Absolutely appalled. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be allowing your ex to have the children on his own again. End of. I would also rip his head off. How increuipaettinf for both you and your poor daughter.

PositivelyPERF · 02/09/2018 22:01

This isn’t up to your daughter. It’s your job, as the adult, to protect her. You NEED to say something. I was furious reading about them using her as a babysitter, but the rest was outrageous.

She 14 and may not want you say anything, but you run the risk of it happening again and your daughter may be seriously damaged from it.

Moononthehill28 · 02/09/2018 22:01

Incredibly upsetting

bimbobaggins · 02/09/2018 22:01

I’m not surprised you are raging. When we were young we used to share a room with our dad to save money on holidays and absolutely hated it. I would have been traumatised if I’d seen him having sex.
You need to say something otherwise what’s to stop it happening again

POPholditdown · 02/09/2018 22:03

Gosh, does she even want to theirs on weekends now? She might want to give it a rest, but feel uncomfortable saying so (as he’ll have to know why). That’s horrible.

Viewoffriday · 02/09/2018 22:05

It's child abuse. It's as simple as. Exposing kids to sex is sexual abuse.

He needs to never have her again.

RB68 · 02/09/2018 22:05

Its fine to share a room as a "family" but utterly unacceptable to be having sex with a 14 yr old in the room. It needs raising with him. I think you also need to have a conversation with your daughter about how inappropriate it was and that you will have to raise it.

If he continues to deny or try to poo poo the idea that it was inappropriate you also need to consider social services involvement and contact is likely to need to stop altogether

PowerPlayed · 02/09/2018 22:06

That is grim.

I understand yourvDD told you in confidence but you need to tell her this is so serious that you have no option but to tell her dad.

Once you're not under influence I'd phone him and tell him he's a selfish, irresponsible idiot who has ruined his relationship with his daughter and is lucky he's not being interviewed by the police.

IMissMargaritas · 02/09/2018 22:07

This is child abuse - end of! You NEED to talk to your ex. Of course your daughter won't anything to affect her relationship with her father, but it looks like that's already been ruined by his utterly irresponsible and disgusting behaviour.

Booboopidoo · 02/09/2018 22:08

Ugh, your poor DD Sad I wouldn’t/couldn’t tiptoe around this, don't let awkwardness make you meek and hesitant, they need to hear exactly how wrong and inappropriate they’ve been.

Will you feel confident it won’t happen again if they take it on the chin and assure you it won’t happen again or will you have to reassess his contact completely do you think? DD must feel wretched, what on earth were they thinking?!

Babyroobs · 02/09/2018 22:09

I would be fuming.

whiteroseredrose · 02/09/2018 22:09

I agree that this sounds appalling. If he's a good dad and has been ok so far tell him.

Merrydoula · 02/09/2018 22:10

This is disgusting. I'd stop contact until issue is resolved, she is still technically a minor and shouldn't be left alone with a baby, secondly seeing your father having sexual in the same room as you is vile and disturbing.

bigsunflower · 02/09/2018 22:10

My dad and his girlfriend had sex in a shared hotel room with me and her half sister we were 11. Did it a few times and that's how one of my half siblings was conceived. I'm 34 and still remember it was awful

RibbonAurora · 02/09/2018 22:11

Agree with PowerPlayed, you need to be stone cold sober when you address this with your ex because it does need addressing but you have to be totally in control. As for your daughter not wanting you to say anything, t's one of those where, important as your child's feelings are, it's too serious for you not to say something.

Original poster
Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 22:11

I had no idea they would be sharing a room - he took her away abroad last year with his parents and a couple of other family members, she had her own room in a villa. I didn’t even think to ask him about sleeping arrangements.
Yes course I need to say something, DD was repeatedly saying please don’t say anything and I promised her I wouldn’t at the time just to calm her down a bit.
I actually feel sick, I would never in a million years thought he would do anything like this to DD, they are so close.
I feel awful she’s been carrying this around with her all week, I have asked her a few times what’s up but just thought she was being a typical teenager plus schools are back next week so put it down to that too.

OP posts:
shakeyourcaboose · 02/09/2018 22:12

Fucking grim, your poor girl. Absolutely a safeguarding issue and the bile is rising in me. I am enraged for her. Her fuckhead 'father' makes me sick.

RedNed · 02/09/2018 22:12

That is appalling, your poor dd. To do it 2 nights in a row is fucking outrageous Angry (obviously once is too much)

cestlavielife · 02/09/2018 22:13

You need to stop overnights.
She can see him in day time.
Speak to school safeguarding.
They may refer to allocated school police officer. They may want to speak to her about what she saw and heard.
They may then ask you if you want to take it further or just have him be given a warning or talking to....

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/09/2018 22:15

Tell DD that for something this serious, you have to bring it up. That way you're not going behind her back, but explaining why you can't just leave it.

That behaviour is totally and completely not acceptable.

Original poster
Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 22:15

She’s supposed to be going there this weekend, of course she doesn’t want to. Obviously I will have spoken to him by then. Do I speak to just him ot the pair of them. DH wants to come along too but not sure on that yet.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 02/09/2018 22:16

It does need to come from someone else to him.
What will his story be? That she mis-saw/misheard?

Lalliella · 02/09/2018 22:16

Definitely a safeguarding issue and you need to say something, sorry not much to say apart from agreeing with PPs. Your DD might need some help to get over it as well, as one PP says it’s still affecting her years later.

DartmoorDoughnut · 02/09/2018 22:17

Jesus Christ that is utterly horrific Shock

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2018 22:18

I would call him.

Explain that his child witnessed them having sex twice on holiday and was left to baby sit. As such she won't be there this weekend. I'd also consider scaring him and say you'll report him to social services for child abuse.

This is an awful way to treat a child.