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Original poster

Absolutely raging - need to vent!!

535 replies

Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 21:41

14 year DD went away bank holiday weekend to the seaside with her dad, his gf and her 10 month old baby brother, she's seemed a little upset and withdrawn since coming back and tonight she finally told me why.
Two reasons - firstly for 2 nights out of the 3 DD was made to babysit her brother so her dad and gf could go out for dinner and drinks, apparently they were only at a bar a couple of minutes walk away so told DD to call if baby woke up and left her with a KFC for dinner both nights - ok some might say at 14 DD is old enough to babysit but they were all supposed to be on a holiday together.
Second reason I'm so raging I've sank a bottle of red in 20 minutes trying to keep calm. They all shared a room, DD was on a sofa bed, she heard/saw her dad and his gf having sex TWICE!!! First time she said she was facing the wall drifting off to sleep and heard them having sex, second time she was facing out into the room half woke up with a cramp in her leg wanted to turn over but saw they were having sex and shut her eyes and didn't dare move as she didn't want them to know she saw anything.... I'm fuming!!! DD said they came back from both nights out extremely drunk so don't know if they were both so pissed they weren't with it but what the actual fuck!!

DD has made me promise not to say anything to her dad as she doesn't want them to know that she saw/heard anything cos she's so embarrassed, upset and she spends every second weekend with them so doesn't want any awkwardness, obviously i wanna rip his head off but want to respect my DDs wishes. DH thinks I need to say something regardless of DD asking not to as he thinks it's too serious to just leave.

OP posts:
londonista · 02/09/2018 22:38

Are people becoming desensitised to this, in the Love Island era, sharing a room with others and having sex anyway??? It's just so wrong!

It also reminds me of a youth hostel experience in Melbourne 20 years ago. I was in the bottom bunk... Confused

Original poster
Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 22:39

Sorry for typos on above message, slightly drunk and have slits for eyes as been crying.
Cestlavielife - she’s due to go there this weekend, she doesn’t want to though and has asked that I say she’s ill, obviously agreed at the time as that was when she was hysterical telling me what happened.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 02/09/2018 22:39

Agree with PP and if you do it in person I would also have DH there too. You can explain it's nothing to do with the gf per se, she could be anyone in that sense and you'd react the same. But tbh how he understands this isn't your problem. Tell him to ask any parent he knows if his behaviour was acceptable if he is confused.

This is sadly an (horrific) opportunity to explain the limits of 'promises' to DD re abuse, safeguarding vulnerable people etc.

It beggars belief! No wonder you're fuming!

TomHardysNextWife · 02/09/2018 22:41

Firstly and most importantly, she has been able to tell you what happened and why she's upset.

I'd concentrate on supporting her tonight, and I'd be tempted to either phone Social Services or the NSPCC in the morning to get some idea of where to go from here before talking to your ex.

It's just going so far over the line, I don't see how you could ever trust him with her again Sad

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 02/09/2018 22:41

Poor girl. Not only is she left to babysit a 10mth old they stumble back hammered and have sex with her in the room on more than one occasion. I mean I don't know what to say to that. It is just not OK and your DD is distraught. Surely that's enough for you to realise you need to do something. I would be on the phone to my ex and telling him we need to meet and talk about this. He needs to understand how their behaviour has impacted on your DD.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 02/09/2018 22:42

Ah hope she feels a bit better after telling you, it’s obviously been a weight on her shoulders all week. In the one hand she doesn’t want to get her dad in trouble, it’ll also be very embarrassing when he finds out she heard him, in the other hand she’s obviously devastated at the way she’s been treated. Really feel for her.

cestlavielife · 02/09/2018 22:42

You can speak to school safeguarding lead in confidence for advice. They have training and can help and support dd. They can signpost to support. They helped for a situation with my oldest dd and her dad at that age.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 02/09/2018 22:45

Your poor dd, that is disgusting and I would absolutely let rip at him for it. Do it in person and have your DH there too. They are disgusting, that really is horrific for the poor girl

londonrach · 02/09/2018 22:45

The sex thing is a safe guarding issue op. Not sure how you deal with this. How dare they do that in front of a 14 year old

oooompa · 02/09/2018 22:46

Bloody hell, that's awful! How does your DD feel about still seeing her dad? If it were me I would stop all contact for now, as PP have said it's a safe guarding concern.

Original poster
Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 22:46

Sorry a 3 and 5 year old! Don’t even know how old my own bloody children are right now - so definitely can’t be discussed with DD or ex tomorrow as they are home and pick up on everything.
That makes me feel like a shit parent to DD though as it’s not something that can really wait is it?
Will have to go as DD has put film on - will update tomorrow.

Crap!!! I’ve just somehow managed to reply this message on an old thread of mine. How did that bloody happen. I have reported it will it disappear? I should have namechanged!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 02/09/2018 22:47

When do you need to tell ex she isn't going on the weekend?
Don't rush. Get advice. Talk to someone e.g. nspcc which can be anonymous.
Ideally get someone else to be telling him why it s wrong .
Don't lie. He needs to be told why she won't go. Is this the first ever issue or concern? What will his story be?

Maelstrop · 02/09/2018 22:47

Being exposed to sexual behaviour is definitely a form of abuse, it comes under the abuse umbrella according to all safe guarding training I’ve ever had at school. Your poor child.

Obviously you need to tell him honestly why she doesn’t want to see him next weekend. You should talk to her first, of course, she won’t want you to tell him, but honesty is key here.

I’m just shaking my head at his sheer stupidity, thoughtlessness and utter lack of fucking care and respect for his own child. Dumping her with the baby is appalling, the rest is just horrendous. Poor, poor girl.

cestlavielife · 02/09/2018 22:49

Does dd normally speak or text him in between contact? What has been said?

Giraffey1 · 02/09/2018 22:51

I find this astonishing. I don’t have children, but what planet is your ex that he thinks any of this is is ok?

It is not ok to invite your dd on holiday and then expect her to babysit for you. That is so cheap and unfair.
And it it is not ok to have sex in the same room as your children. Ugggh, who wants to see / hear a parent having sex? It’s just gross!

AcrossthePond55 · 02/09/2018 22:52

The thing is, it's not unheard of for DC to walk in on their parents 'in flagrante delicto' or to hear 'sounds' through thin walls no matter how quiet we (or the neighbours) think we're being. And DD, at 14, certainly understand the facts of life. I wouldn't be making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be. And depending on the type of person her dad is, I might be tempted to have a quiet word with him without her knowing, to further spare her embarrassment. But only if I knew he would be suitably embarrassed AND would keep our discussion confidential.

Any way you decide to handle it, the conversation should be between you and your ex only. Leave the gf and your DH out of it.

And it needs to be approached carefully and calmly. I'd probably simply say "DD mentioned that you all shared a room. I think perhaps you didn't realize what a light sleeper she is when you made your arrangements because she woke up and saw and heard you and gf having sex on two different nights. Needless to say it was embarrassing and upsetting to her. To the point where she needs some space to deal with how it made her feel. As a result, she will not be staying with you this weekend".

Whether you want to add that you don't appreciate her being made into an unpaid holiday babysitter so he and gf can go out for dinner and the irresponsibility of getting so drunk they lack the judgement to know when to have sex or not is up to you.

NotTakenUsername · 02/09/2018 22:52

I would speak to ss about this and get advice. If you have knowledge his behaviour and continue to allow her to go there it could come back on you too.

This is just terrible for your daughter. Thank goodness she has a good man in your dh to look up to.

Grumpasaurus · 02/09/2018 22:53

Op, I work in a field which requires me to know safeguarding rules pretty inside and out. You have a duty of care to your daughter; you need to report it to social services as this is a serious form of abuse.

If you don't and continue to allow contact, and something comes of it later, you need to show you did everything you could to protect both children involved.

Equally there could be issues of neglect when drinking that need to be raised for the ten month old.

Good luck- my heart goes out to you all.

Mrsramsayscat · 02/09/2018 22:54

I know the bigger issue is the sex, as people have said, but leaving her babysitting is another. It would have made her feel like a second class citizen, and also she had no one to talk to. Different at home, but wrong on holiday. And babysitting such a young child isn't really on.

londonista · 02/09/2018 22:56

Agree with AcrossThePond.

I don't disagree at all that it's a serious issue but going straight to SS without having a conversation first with the ex would be extremely bad for overall relationships.

Dermymc · 02/09/2018 22:58

You need to report this to social services tomorrow. They will advise you on next steps. Warn your dd but explain that you have to legally.

Is your dd home tomorrow? Could you park all the kids in front of a film and make the call?

fastfooder · 02/09/2018 22:59

Oh my gosh!!! What a fucking asshole!!!

Crazy me would jump in the car and go rope his head off!!!
Diplomatic me would reassure her and just say I know you made me promise not to say anything but this is not okay and I can’t have this stuff go on around you they were wrong and need to be told! It’s my job as your mum to protect u and this is me doing that. Also I would go see him at his house with my DH and ask for his gf to be present and just call them out!!!!! That is absolutely disgusting and I can’t think why they would even try do that shit!!!
Also I’m future my child will not be used as a babysitter you fucking dirty bastard!

Dermymc · 02/09/2018 22:59

I would tell the ex after speaking to SS. Don't give him time to concoct a story.

Didiusfalco · 02/09/2018 23:00

I think when your daughter has had some sleep and is hopefully calmer you need to explain to her that this is not a secret you can keep. She will probably be upset but at least will not feel you have broken her trust.

bastardkitty · 02/09/2018 23:02

Please don't rush. Talk to NSPCC or social care duty desk. Your ex is unimportant in this situation. Let your DD sleep tonight. Take some advice. It is important to note that she was left to babysit and they were paraletic when they had sex in front of your DD. I would aim to tell him on Thursday that no contact will take place this weekend and due to safeguarding concerns there will be no overnight contact for the time being. I wouldn't discuss what happened. If you are advised to state the concerns, put them in writing (text or email) and be graphic. Your DD's needs are paramount. If she doesn't want to see her dad for a while, that's the way it goes. Someone asked earlier but is contact court ordered? I can only imagine how upset and angry you are. Poor DD. She will understand that there are some things adults are not allowed to keep secret and this is one of them.

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