Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Absolutely raging - need to vent!!

535 replies

Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 21:41

14 year DD went away bank holiday weekend to the seaside with her dad, his gf and her 10 month old baby brother, she's seemed a little upset and withdrawn since coming back and tonight she finally told me why.
Two reasons - firstly for 2 nights out of the 3 DD was made to babysit her brother so her dad and gf could go out for dinner and drinks, apparently they were only at a bar a couple of minutes walk away so told DD to call if baby woke up and left her with a KFC for dinner both nights - ok some might say at 14 DD is old enough to babysit but they were all supposed to be on a holiday together.
Second reason I'm so raging I've sank a bottle of red in 20 minutes trying to keep calm. They all shared a room, DD was on a sofa bed, she heard/saw her dad and his gf having sex TWICE!!! First time she said she was facing the wall drifting off to sleep and heard them having sex, second time she was facing out into the room half woke up with a cramp in her leg wanted to turn over but saw they were having sex and shut her eyes and didn't dare move as she didn't want them to know she saw anything.... I'm fuming!!! DD said they came back from both nights out extremely drunk so don't know if they were both so pissed they weren't with it but what the actual fuck!!

DD has made me promise not to say anything to her dad as she doesn't want them to know that she saw/heard anything cos she's so embarrassed, upset and she spends every second weekend with them so doesn't want any awkwardness, obviously i wanna rip his head off but want to respect my DDs wishes. DH thinks I need to say something regardless of DD asking not to as he thinks it's too serious to just leave.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 02/09/2018 22:19

Is overnight contact court ordered?

shakeyourcaboose · 02/09/2018 22:19

I agree with above post about speaking to school,. Could something have been said to her about minimising it? I don't want to worry you, but I'm just flabbergasted that her fuckhead 'father' could do this to her, and the 10 month old who was there too.

Cagliostro · 02/09/2018 22:20

Awful. And yes, abusive.

converseandjeans · 02/09/2018 22:20

That's horrible. As others have said it's a safeguarding issue. It couldn't happen at a worse age really - 14 is that age when you know about stuff like that but really don't want to imagine your parents doing it. Also out of order to disappear off out and leave her babysitting.

Original poster
Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 22:21

I’m gonna go and check on DD, don’t think we’ll be getting much sleep tonight, not gonna tell her tonight that I have to speak to him though or do I? Sorry I sound ridiculous asking you all what to do I’m her parent, I’m not thinking straight.
I don’t see how things are ever gonna he the same in their relationship... she’s bloody 14!!

OP posts:
Worieddd · 02/09/2018 22:22

I’m actually really disturbed after reading your post OP!

Awful, really awful Sad

BifsWif · 02/09/2018 22:23

I wouldn’t mention it tonight, let her sleep - she may well be emotionally exhausted after opening up to you about it.

Go and see both of them with your DH - they need to know this is serious, and I’d speak to the school as well.

AnoukSpirit · 02/09/2018 22:23

Before you speak to him, do sit her down and explain (like a pp suggested) that it's too serious for you to ignore, that you do need to speak to him, because you have to make sure it never happens again, but none of this is her fault and you will deal with any consequences, not her. Tell her you're glad she trusted you and told you, and that you're sorry she's had to deal with it, but that now you're going to take it on instead.

Emphasis on you being the one worrying about it and dealing with it, not her, and the need to protect her and prevent it from happening again. Rather than any notions of "causing trouble".

Don't just go off and speak to him without telling her. It's a good thing she came to you, and you not to make sure that if in the future she's ever in a situation where she needs your support she still feels she can turn to you.

It is abusive. Poor girl. If you can, try to handle things in a way that makes her feel a bit less powerless and give her control of things where you can - this must have made her feel so vulnerable and utterly helpless.

Returnofthesmileybar · 02/09/2018 22:23

You don't necessarily have to tell her tonight but if she asks you not to tell him then I don't think you should lie to her. Do if she doesn't mention then you don't have to tonight but if she does then I think you have to

howmanyways · 02/09/2018 22:23

Bloody horrible - but it has absolutely nothing to do with school. The only reason they would need to know is if your DD is out of sorts when she goes back. They still wouldn’t need to know the details.

Toptheginup · 02/09/2018 22:24

That is so damaging to your dd, I've witnessed it myself and it is disgraceful and vulgar for children to experience that no wonder you are fuming, rightfully so!
As for making her babysit she will feel they have used her so they could enjoy their time away together, it certainly doesn't seem like it was a holiday planned with the children at the forefront of their minds🤔.

brokenharbour · 02/09/2018 22:24

I think you just need to reassure her you will deal with it, as her parent. It's not fair to her to let her dictate what you will and won't say to him, too much responsibility on her which you need to take off her now.

It's absolutely appalling. He needs some home truths, if he can't see how wrong his was it's very very worrying. And leaving his ten month old baby with a 14 year old while hey get pissed? What on earth were they thinking?

Stripyhoglets1 · 02/09/2018 22:25

He's the one that's changed everything by doing this, such a shame if they've had a good relationship but he's done it now. I'd tell DD tomorrow you have to deal with it not tonight, let her try and get some sleep.

NynaeveSedai · 02/09/2018 22:25

Just you and just your ex. But it has to be done. Disgusting pair.

AnoukSpirit · 02/09/2018 22:25

Just saw your update.

Check on her, sure. Be there for her, but for tonight just focus on helping her to feel safe and secure.

shakeyourcaboose · 02/09/2018 22:26

Agree with anouk tell her thank you for trusting you to tell you this, but what's happened is so big you have to tell other people- but only people that HAVE to know to help keep her safe and feel supported. Her minds probably a mess just now, particularly if the incidents are being minimised by him.

BifsWif · 02/09/2018 22:26

It sounds like she has been out of sorts all week, so it’s likely she’ll be the same for a while at school.

Rebecca36 · 02/09/2018 22:26

That is so bad. I can't imagine a parent having sex in same room as fourteen year old child. Horrible for her.

Your ex should have known better and needs to be told.

Dollymixture22 · 02/09/2018 22:26

It is brilliant she told you. I can see your dilemma - but This is pretty serious and I do think you need to act. This cannot happen again and she can never be expected to share a room with them ever again. Your ex need to understand what he has done.

He will deny it - but you don’t have to debate it. She has been upset by his inappropriate behaviour and you are not willing to have her in that situation again.

What the hell were they thinking!!!

PearlandRubies194 · 02/09/2018 22:34

You do not sound ridiculous, you’re shocked and it’s a natural instinct to want to protect her. I saw my mum having sex many times with various men and it was awful, I still remember the horrible feeling in my stomach and it traumatised me. As such, I’ve always felt it is dirty and shameful.

I know she asked you not to mention anything, but when you get up tomorrow, make yourself a strong coffee and explain that you HAVE to. Explain that she has done nothing wrong, that sex between adults is normal but it should not have happened in front of her. Her father should have ensured his daughter would have her own room.

I’m old fashioned but I also think it’s wrong that both were drunk too - he’s, they’re on holiday but also responsible for two children. It’s a horrible situation and especially as she’s due to start school.

OP- I’d tell him tomorrow that you’re reporting him to SS. It is a safeguarding issue; you don’t have to. But tell him what he’s done, how he’s made his daughter (and you feel) and let it sink in.

londonista · 02/09/2018 22:34

Oh my god OP... I'd be upset at this as well! Who does that??!

No advice really - saying something to him would definitely would make it awkward between your ex and your daughter.
Maybe take up the issue of the first complaint with him, just mention she'd not really had a good time and say she needs her own room next time (without mentioning why - he probably will know).

cestlavielife · 02/09/2018 22:34

Take your time . The issue is the next overnight. When is that? You can tell her she doesn't have to do overnights again. She can meet him in daytime. Call nspcc helpline talk it through. Ask them for advice on how to tell him how serious it is. This may help you be calm but serious.

Original poster
Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 22:36

Thank you everyone for your replies so far.
DD wants to sleep in with me tonight, she wants to watch a film in bed with so I’m going to have to go, went downstairs to let DH know she’s in with he and he was crying, this is just devastating all round, obviously more so for DD.
I’m not sure when I’m gonna get to speak to him tomorrow as we have a 2 and 5 year old at home with us still on school holidays and I obviously can’t discuss it around them.

OP posts:
805Thistle · 02/09/2018 22:37

Your poor girl! Massive safeguarding issue. Bet he denies everything.

ButtonMoonLoon · 02/09/2018 22:38

This is really serious. So much so that I’d be tempted to discuss it with your local safeguarding team, especially in light of the fact she’s back at school this week.

Swipe left for the next trending thread