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Original poster

Absolutely raging - need to vent!!

535 replies

Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 21:41

14 year DD went away bank holiday weekend to the seaside with her dad, his gf and her 10 month old baby brother, she's seemed a little upset and withdrawn since coming back and tonight she finally told me why.
Two reasons - firstly for 2 nights out of the 3 DD was made to babysit her brother so her dad and gf could go out for dinner and drinks, apparently they were only at a bar a couple of minutes walk away so told DD to call if baby woke up and left her with a KFC for dinner both nights - ok some might say at 14 DD is old enough to babysit but they were all supposed to be on a holiday together.
Second reason I'm so raging I've sank a bottle of red in 20 minutes trying to keep calm. They all shared a room, DD was on a sofa bed, she heard/saw her dad and his gf having sex TWICE!!! First time she said she was facing the wall drifting off to sleep and heard them having sex, second time she was facing out into the room half woke up with a cramp in her leg wanted to turn over but saw they were having sex and shut her eyes and didn't dare move as she didn't want them to know she saw anything.... I'm fuming!!! DD said they came back from both nights out extremely drunk so don't know if they were both so pissed they weren't with it but what the actual fuck!!

DD has made me promise not to say anything to her dad as she doesn't want them to know that she saw/heard anything cos she's so embarrassed, upset and she spends every second weekend with them so doesn't want any awkwardness, obviously i wanna rip his head off but want to respect my DDs wishes. DH thinks I need to say something regardless of DD asking not to as he thinks it's too serious to just leave.

OP posts:
TomHardysNextWife · 04/09/2018 14:32

I think you're dealing with this brilliantly OP. Your DD is very lucky to have you, and you're totally right in thinking all that matters here is what she is dealing with. They are never going to admit what happened, so it's pretty much irrelevant/pointless to hear their voices.

She's going to need a lot of love and support, which she clearly has, and you can move forwards at her pace with contacting/seeing her Dad if and when she wants to. But it's on her terms now, and no one elses. And she may never forgive him for this.

GreenMeerkat · 04/09/2018 14:36

@ncforcommenting there's a big difference between a child accidentally walking in on their parents having sex and the parents knowingly having sex while children are in the room. A BIG difference!

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2018 14:48

I also think you are dealing with This extremely well. I'd have done my nut, which would have escalated it and made it worse. You listened, explained, sought advice and now seem to be willing to follow that advice.

💐

limitedscreentime · 04/09/2018 15:01

I’ve only just read this thread and just want to say that I think you are a great parent OP. You have put your daughter first through all of this so far and you have managed to control your emotion Imyo allow to to react appropriately and in a controlled and confident manner which will maintain your daughters faith and security in you. She will be ok, mainly because of how you are coping with this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/09/2018 15:10

I agree with everyone else that you're handling this superbly, but while it's natural for such a caring parent to turn some if it on themselves you really must resist this. I'd say the way you've dealt with things is almost textbook and you honestly couldn't have done more

Hopefully (?) your ex will accept the cancellation of tonight's meeting without kicking off again, but I confess I really would be worried about him/them approaching DD directly. Call me suspicious but I can almost hear them preparing the "we were worried about her / just wanted to sort it out ..." and so on

It's understandable that you're uneasy about taking her phone, but how do you feel about the suggestions to block his number until this is sorted out?

Passingwords · 04/09/2018 15:17

Good to hear that you are receiving help- I hope they have advised on the next stage of her talking it through with either you, or you and a counsellor or just her and a counsellor as they know what approaches to take so that she can start to process it and understand how she feels and in time, if/ how to build a relationship up with her dad. Also how you should deal with her dad, he needs to be onside regarding her feelings irrespective of what happened

DoryNow · 04/09/2018 15:24

Well done OP, such a bloody difficult situation for you and so glad you have had decent professional advice.

Please do NOT feel shit about this, none of it is of your making & you have
a) listened to your poor DD & believed her which is so very important &
b) Swiftly sought advice from a good source to help you make a plan moving forward that supports your DD & gives her the option NOT to see her Dad for now.

Biggest of hugs for you & DD (& your lovely DH ) & some Wine for later &Cake for DD

minnierose3 · 04/09/2018 15:28

This is awful your poor DD, Id be going mad about this!

Eliza9917 · 04/09/2018 16:14

Isn't this some kind of criminal act?

I'd be very tempted to never let them have her for the w/e again as they so irresponsible.

SuperSharpShooter82 · 04/09/2018 16:27

Everything I would like to say has already been said by other posters and probably more by the professional advice you have been given.

I just wanted to jump on to say what a lovely mum you are. I hope I can be as calm and collected as you are when my DD is older, but above all I hope she trusts me enough to confide in me the way your DD has with you xxx

missbattenburg · 04/09/2018 16:28

I'm sat here trying to imagine how my own dad would react if told he had behaved in a way that had made me so upset and not feel comfortable seeing him. He would be devastated and his first reaction would be to to want to sit down, calmly and talk it through with me to see what on earth could be done to try and mend it. He would not be angry at being told about it, that I can be sure of.

In all honesty, OP, you sound like you are handling it brilliantly. As someone who volunteered for the NSPCC for a few years I totally recognise their advice to keep your daughter (and not your anger) at the heart of this.

It doesn't really matter if they had sex or not. What matters is the damage that believing they did has had on your daughter and her relationship with her father. Keep the focus on that and don't allow the conversation to get bogged down into a "you did/we didn't" debate.

Allowing your daughter to have control of how the issue is progressed is also important. "Never allowing them to have her again" (as tempting as it might be) risks her not telling you about future problems for fear you will take it out of her hands.

EarlyModernParent · 04/09/2018 16:38

Maybe it is better to refer to physical intimacy rather than 'having sex'. Either is inappropriate and embarrassing for a 14 year old offspring to witness. I mean, if they were all wide awake, sober and watching telly, would it be ok for the ex and gf to have a passionate snog, with tongues, in front of DD? Of course not. So the specifics of the intimacy are not the crucial thing here. They recklessly exposed his daughter to witnessing their sexual activity: if it was intercourse, that is an aggravating factor, if it wasn't intercourse, the ex and gf are not magically exculpated of improper behaviour.

thornyhousewife · 04/09/2018 16:44

So sorry this is happening OP, it must be very upsetting and very confusing.

I'm a bit sceptical of how much detail your ex went into on the phone. If nothing happened I would think he'd struggle to remember the details of that night and would be confused. From the way you described it it sounded rehearsed and like he was expecting you to call about it.

I also really don't like the way he asked how you and your dd could think that of him. He is shifting the issue onto you both.

cestlavielife · 04/09/2018 17:11

Goid decision. Focus on dd.
She won't be harmed by taking time off from seeing dad for a few weeks.

She can later decide when how and on what terms.

Don't engage with your ex on this unless he is happy to meet with a mediator or family therapist or other professional present.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2018 17:31

How did he react to being told the meeting was cancelled op? Was he understanding?

KarlDilkington · 04/09/2018 18:04

Both of their responses sound reasonable to me. I would let it go.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2018 18:10

Ive a bad feeling the girlfriend is on here.

Some of these responses can only be understood if that's The case.

Haireverywhere · 04/09/2018 18:15

Well done for getting advice from those in the know! It must have been awful to have to make that call but at least you know what the priorities are.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 04/09/2018 18:20

Both of their responses sound reasonable to me. I would let it go.

Really? And how would you explain that to the traumatised dd?

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:21

You don’t really believe that, so you bluntness? You’ve made some very good points and support over this thread, but I don’t think that just because there isn’t a 100% unanimous response to a thread about a less known type child protection issue the obvious conclusion is that the gf is on mn.

I’m happy that the majority understand the magnitude of what happened, but not surprised that some others have chipped in with surprise about this. If one has had a less than protected childhood themselves, and/or has never had cause to attend any child protection training then it is not much of a leap to imagine they would handle this situation differently.

I find myself almost pitying these posters and their children, but I don’t think it is the gf undercover.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2018 18:30

Ok fair point nottaken but I honestlly wouldn't be surprised. The girlfriend has a baby herself so it's not outwith the realms of possibility she is on here.

But I guess I'm struggling to accept any adult would chose to disbelieve the child, or wilfully pit the child against the adults, think the couples responses were reasonable or simply let this go in the face of a distressed child and a damaged parent child relationship.

But yes I get your point, there are always people who treat kids badly. Don't share with them, punish them harshly, are jealous of them, there was even one recently where the granny had let the little lad down on a promise of a Nintendo switch and some folks wanted it to be used as some form of harsh life lesson for the child.

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:36

I wish I would struggle to believe such things, but I’ve seen an awful lot of bad behaviour throughout the years.

moodyblues · 04/09/2018 18:49

Your daughter is lucky to have a mum like you, well done, this must be so difficult and I think you are doing a great job.

Morethanthisprovincallife · 04/09/2018 19:24

Yy physical intimacy.

BirthdayBlueBo · 04/09/2018 20:11

I agree with using ‘physical intimacy’ as the term from now... they’ve admitted as much themselves anyway and (although I do believe your dd 100%) I doubt they would ever admit they had full sex.
Hope your dd is ok op. Firstly shows how grown up she’s been about the whole situation to acknowledge it when many would have tried to push it out of their minds so she’s very brave and mature on that front but also for her to be able to come straight to you shows what a strong relationship you have. Chin up op.