Venting - I have a SIL who is driving me batshit crazy

[Want2bSupermum]

We have 3DC ages 7, 5 and 2. Our eldest 2 have autism and we are extremely fortunate that they are high functioning. However they are hard work. The 2 year old is a 2 year old. Love her dearly but she is into everything. We are expats with DH and I both working FT plus we run two businesses. We are BUSY. We have a FT sitter over the summer. I've hired a housekeeper and I have a lady help with cooking 3 days a week. I'm sharing this because my SIL has come to visit us. She is very passive aggressive about everything. Has to be the martyr. I get that she is very sick. I get that she is hurting from losing her DH early this year. It's so hard not to react to her actions though.

I've told her to take my eldests bed she said no because she doesn't want to sleep with the DC. Meanwhile she is complaining about sleeping on the sofa and wants DH to buy her a mattress topper. I don't have time for this.

She keeps accusing me of foisting the DC on her. I have a FT nanny over the summer and I've said join in when you want, I've told our nanny she is sick and can't really fully participate.

Most of all she keeps calling me lazy. 'Well you have a housekeeper now I'm here I guess because I'm the only person filling the dishwasher' and 'the cat litter boxes stink you must clean them out now' as I stand there in an expensive dry clean only outfit. When I didn't do it right away she started telling me how it's wrong that he brother works so hard and I wouldn't have the house etc if it wasn't for him. It's really taking everything in me to not open my mouth and tell her WE paid for her flights, WE gave her $1000 spending money when she got here and WE have provided for her stay. Basically it's been me who has told DH we must support her financially because she can't work. It was me who pushed DH to pay off her mortgage, give her a credit card to pay for food etc and things when she can't afford it.

Anyway I'm rambling. I've got another 3 weeks of this. I'm miserable. It's too stressful at home. Everything is disorganized because she refuses to follow our plan.

She lost her DH earlier this year. And she is ill. She might be a pain but I think you have to cut her a lot of slack. Can't you rearrange the sleeping arrangements for 3 weeks - a sofa or sharing a bedroom with children is quite a lot to ask someone who is clearly struggling. I know you have given her a large amount of money. That's very generous. But you don't seem to be giving her much warmth. The money doesn't buy a nice, happy cooperative SIL when she has serious problems in her life.

only read the first few posts though

itregular She has left now. It's kinda hard to show warmth when someone is insulting you.

Irregularregular you might want to read OP's posts - it's gone way further than that. The SIL is a fucking horror

That's the thing. I was made out to be the villain because I kept on about medication being out of reach, plans and changes to plans being clearly communicated and following up until I had a proper answer on what had happened. I was and continue to do my job as a responsible parent to make sure the DC are safe.

The reason I reminded DH 3 times about DD2 being in the back was because this is normally how we manage a change in plan. It was getting on and the reason for telling him the 3rd time was to tell him the stroller was already in the back. DD2 isn't the best at napping so I wanted her resting after she woke up. The shopping carts are huge and I knew if they put DD2 in one the shopping trip to buy one item would turn into a 2-3 hour affair which would result in the DCs dinner schedule getting messed up.

I've walked away from this upset because I'm painted as the bad guy for being responsible and holding others to a certain standard. I don't think that standard I hold DH to is particularly high in that I have an expectation he share the burden of being responsible for the DC. Basically everything bad happened when DH was with the DC and I was elsewhere, either taking DC to therapy appointments, working or running errands. He has written me a letter apologizing for not being focused on the DC and leaving the burden of care solely on me. It's a start but I need him to be talking things through with a professional therapist who will also want to speak to me.

I do resent the fact that I'm having my parenting examined during the state investigations. I haven't done anything wrong yet I'm facing this intrusion into my life. This has been reported to my employer, my industry regulator and certain members of our community because of the volunteer work I do in schools. I'm in the process of launching a new broker dealer and I resent that I've had to explain this incident to FINRA.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP

That is absolutely shocking Want2be. You are lucky your daughter survived.

zzzz I think it very unfair to make OP responsible in any way for leaving her daughter in the car. Her husband did that - not OP. She wasn't there. Her ambition and busyness are utterly irrelevant to what happened in that car park. Maybe her husband's ambition and busyness are relevant though.

The medication thing is bad on every adult in the house and should not have happened. I used to have the same thing with my mother who kept her tablets in her handbag which she kept on the floor by her chair. "surely they wouldn't go in my handbag". I didn't bother arguing just picked up the bag and moved it out of reach. Over and over again. SIL should never have been allowed to flout the rules about medicine and children but her toxicity seemed to have sucked any common sense or focus out of the house. Keeping in touch with family is not that important.

I'm being forced to take on responsibility for DHs lack thereof. That's why I'm upset. I carry the burden of sorting childcare. I pay everyone, manage them, make sure we have the right coverage etc. and he does none of that work. He then takes zero responsibility for making sure our DC are safe and im the one who is questioned. This is why it's the end of our marriage if he doesn't make changes. We are supposed to be a team. I've always carried more of the burden but while his sister was here I carried all of the burden and spoke out when I was put upon. He ignored me. Of course it was easier to go with his sister. Meanwhile I was left to carry the burden and ignored when I spoke up.

It wasn't intentional that DH left DD in the car. It was a consequence of him putting his sister ahead of his family. I had repeatedly said no to SIL because by saying yes to her the DC wouldn't have their needs met. Buying perfume isn't a necessity and I had offered to order it online for delivery. What she wanted to do was go shopping. She wanted DH there so he would pay for it. She was furious they had gone to Walmart. She wanted to go to the fancy mall with the designer stores. DH should have told her to STFU and focused on DD2 who was in his care.

It’s hard, but I’m of a similar view to zzzzzz’s. It’s like the terrible stories you hear of parents who leave their babies in the car all day because they forgot they were there after dropping off other children at school and going off on their commutes. Of course they love their children more than anything, but life gets so busy and hectic, and parents are so stressed with work and children and everything else.....it just happens. Most people don’t do it, but I’d wager that of those to whom the worst doesn’t happen, sometimes it’ll be down to pure luck.

It sounds like if you both want to continue doing all that you do, you have no choice but to exclude everything else, family visits etc. It’s not for anyone else to judge whether this is a wise choice, but when external agencies get involved you have to be prompted into rethinking things. Your DH is who is he, just as you are who you are. You have to factor his personality into your joint workload. And ultimately, is your career/lifestyle choice more important than remaining married to your DH and having your DC’s father live with and be married to their mom? Only you know the answer to that.

Such a worrisome situation to be in. You need time and space, routine to get back to normal. Your DH must be devastated, I don’t think it’s as clear cut as him being scolded and having to prove himself worthy. You’re not his mother, they’re his kids as much as yours, he clearly understands what happened. This has to be a dialogue, not an edict. So sorry for your trouble.

She is a cunt of the highest order. I don’t care if she’s “ill” - stop supporting her. She can’t even be nice to you.

Him? He has a fucking long way to go

Fucking hell love.
Honestly I’d LTB and his cunt of a sister would be getting a kick.

I do hope you’re not going to continue funding her out of your family’s income? That cash could be spent on extra therapy for the kids/asd focused care. Or an even better divorce lawyer.

Fucking hell, want2b I don't know how you haven't broken down under the stress of having a child protection investigation on top of every thing else you're coping with. I cannot believe posters above are insinuating that you are somehow to blame. Why is it always the job of women to take care of everything? It's 2018, of course you're allowed to have a career! You reminded your DH 3 times that your DD was in the car! I wouldn't even think to remind my partner once, he should know, ffs!

That's the thing though salmon. I need to accommodate him being thoughtless of his family?!? First it's his sister. Next it will be another woman who comes along and gets his attention because he doesn't have his priorities straight. I don't need to stick around and find out what happens.

DH has been read the riot act. If I don't see sustained change our marriage is over and after what happened he won't have custody of the DC and his visits would be supervised. The ball is in his court. He is saying and doing all the right things now but I want to see the change in 6 months before I make my mind up if I can trust him again to use his judgement.

I know want2be. It’s not fair, why should you, it’s insane - and you don’t have to. You can walk away. You’ve never dropped the ball, why should you have to pick it up when he does. And so forth.

And yet, when I’m faced with such a situation in my marriage, I hear that voice in my head telling me (1) I chose to marry him, nobody forced me (2) I have my faults too (3) forgiveness is hugely important in a marriage, especially when no actual serious harm has been done (4) my children aren’t to be blamed for my choosing DH as their father (to the contrary, he’s the best they could hope for 99% of the time) (5) who knows which foot the shoe will be on this time next year.

I’m sure you, like I, married for the long run. Personally, family cohesion is more important to me than anything else, and so far in our marriage I have compromised more than my DH. But hopefully we will be married for the better part of 50 years, if we live that long. From next year when our circumstances will change dramatically, the tables are set to turn. I’ve sucked it up for nearly a decade, now it’s my turn - and my DH is right behind me. And in 20 years’ time, when the children ought to have well and truly flown the nest, who knows what new thing will happen. Etc etc.

I’m saying it’s a long haul. People make mistakes. We all do. What your DH did was suffer a lapse in judgement which could have had grave consequences. It sounds like he’s well aware of that. Changes need to be made so that that doesn’t happen again. Being ready to walk away, although understandable when the outcome could have been awful, may end up putting you all in a worse position than you’re in now.

And this has nothing to do with minimizing, being an apologist, patriarchy etc. It sounds like he knows exactly how you feel and what he’s done. You’re not doing any of those things. I’m suggesting walking the fine line we all have to walk at times in our marriages, to get everyone safely and soundly to the other side. Marriage is often, but shouldn’t be a power struggle. There should be give and take on both sides. There’s no guarantee that we come out, ages 90, 50:50. But is that the main goal?

I’ll stop now, I’m probably sounding very patronizing at a time of acute stress for you. Good luck want2be. You’re a good woman from everything I’ve read from you over the years.

*You choose to be busy and ambitious and it sounds as though you are very driven...It’s just as neglectful as if you had a slightly feckless husband and are busy socialising"

I couldn't disagree more. OP didn't make the mistakes. She could foresee both situations (Meds being left out, DD2 being forgotten) and she repeatedly reminded OTHER ADULTS to try and prevent it. They failed. This is nothing to do with the OP's ambition. The notion that mothers should sacrifice their abilities to compensate for their otherwise incredibly able and successful partner's howling mistakes as a parent makes my blood boil.

Like fuck is op “responsible” for this

He is an adult. A grown man. A father. He has chosen to have kids. Ergo he MUST be responsible for their welfare.

So, what? The op should be behind him all the time, reminding him of how to look after his kids and basically wiping his fucking arse for him? Because anything with a penis couldn’t POSSIBLY be held responsible for anything to do with child rearing?

And because op is busy and successful, she’s “failed”? Because she trusted her husband not to put his kids in danger? DESPITE reminding him THREE TIMES that the dd was in the back? How the actual fuck is it op’s responsibility?

This is possibly one of the most fucked up things I’ve ever read on here.

This is possibly one of the most fucked up things I’ve ever read on here.

I agree.

Thank goodness! Of course that wasn't OP's fault. She's doing her fair share and a whole lot more besides, why the fuck should she have to take responsibility for something which happened when she wasn't even there.

How is OP’s H being neglectful the OP’s fault?

She wasn’t present when the father left his child in a car on a hot day.

Having a dick does not preclude to being able to parent.

God some women set a very very low bar when choosing a partner.

I agree with what happened not being OP’s fault or responsibility. But, what’s the consequence of that? What does blame and fault, or not bring to blame or at fault, bring to moving forward with the situation?

well it looks to me like OP is, as usual, doing all she can to "more forward the situation". She is cooperating with social services. She has taken on the chin the knock-on effect to her life/profession, she has said her husband needs to go for therapy and that she will reassess in 6 months how he is and how their marriage is. She has also said he will not be alone with the children during that time. And she seems to have knocked the visits from toxic family on the head. OP seems to have done everything she could so what does "what's the consequence of that" mean.

I imagine it might mean something to the OP that people don't tell her that her husband's disasterous oversight is her fault for choosing to be busy and ambitions.

Bloody hell, can’t believe some posters are saying you’re partly to blame because you’re ‘driven and busy’! Know thy place women!

Can you imagine a bloke being told that?

Thank you for those agreeing with my opinion that DHs failure to look after his DC is not my fault. The man runs $350million of sales, owns a company with 50 employees for which he is responsible for yet he can't remember his own child when on a shopping trip. Bottom line is that this happened because he didn't think he was responsible for his child. He thought it was me who was responsible and considering all we have in place in terms of childcare and help with the home. I'm actually tempted to go back to having no housekeeper. Might help keep him grounded.