Venting - I have a SIL who is driving me batshit crazy

[Want2bSupermum]

We have 3DC ages 7, 5 and 2. Our eldest 2 have autism and we are extremely fortunate that they are high functioning. However they are hard work. The 2 year old is a 2 year old. Love her dearly but she is into everything. We are expats with DH and I both working FT plus we run two businesses. We are BUSY. We have a FT sitter over the summer. I've hired a housekeeper and I have a lady help with cooking 3 days a week. I'm sharing this because my SIL has come to visit us. She is very passive aggressive about everything. Has to be the martyr. I get that she is very sick. I get that she is hurting from losing her DH early this year. It's so hard not to react to her actions though.

I've told her to take my eldests bed she said no because she doesn't want to sleep with the DC. Meanwhile she is complaining about sleeping on the sofa and wants DH to buy her a mattress topper. I don't have time for this.

She keeps accusing me of foisting the DC on her. I have a FT nanny over the summer and I've said join in when you want, I've told our nanny she is sick and can't really fully participate.

Most of all she keeps calling me lazy. 'Well you have a housekeeper now I'm here I guess because I'm the only person filling the dishwasher' and 'the cat litter boxes stink you must clean them out now' as I stand there in an expensive dry clean only outfit. When I didn't do it right away she started telling me how it's wrong that he brother works so hard and I wouldn't have the house etc if it wasn't for him. It's really taking everything in me to not open my mouth and tell her WE paid for her flights, WE gave her $1000 spending money when she got here and WE have provided for her stay. Basically it's been me who has told DH we must support her financially because she can't work. It was me who pushed DH to pay off her mortgage, give her a credit card to pay for food etc and things when she can't afford it.

Anyway I'm rambling. I've got another 3 weeks of this. I'm miserable. It's too stressful at home. Everything is disorganized because she refuses to follow our plan.

I had plans to visit the tennanment museum here on the lower east side. The DC are too young for it though. If DH was home next weekend he would be taking her.

It's been very challenging with DHs family and the difference in religion. My experience has been that Danish people talk of tolerance until they faced with being tolerant. It all falls apart then. Their society is very much a two tier set up with Danes being 'higher' than 'non-Danes'. Sweden has the same issue now and it's biting them in the arse because they have an 'immigration problem'.

It's the same with being a working woman. I have a good career. However there is this weird expectation that I should be giving it up to look after my family because that is what 'good' women do.

OP, I am so angry for you. What have you married into?! And why can you not win if you put his sister in her place or on a plane back home?! Why are you being seen as the bad one here?! I am absolutely livid on your behalf. I simply cannot imagine being in your position, as your SIL would have been kicked out long ago to find her way home herself. She is rude, disrespectful, and ungrateful. Your husband is starting to seem just as bad, especially if he cannot see you are the victim here.
Not observing a religious holiday because this arsehat objects?! I second the person who said not to go to Denmark for Christmas. Leave the kids with them and go have some time for yourself somewhere warm and pleasant. You should not have to observe Christmas if they have a problem with you observing your Jewish holidays, in your own home because of this good for nothing.
You are being badly treated here OP. By both this woman and to a certain extent, your husband, who doesn't have to face her shit until she leaves, unlike you. I am so angry for you.

And OP, do you and/or your husband smoke?

Oh and the best was her complaining about high holidays being $380 per person for non members and $180 for guests. DH isn't keen on our local temple because they charge $1800 per year for a family membership. That cost includes childcare during services, Hebrew school and lots of other community events plus covers the cost for anyone who isn't able to afford the membership fee. Considering all they have going on it's not bad value for money at $150/month.

We go to church because they have a brilliant study program for the DC from birth to 5th grade with support for our SEN DC, they welcome all and the message aligns with our beliefs. The DC attend public school and there is zero religion. I'd like them to have some education so it's important we include this in our schedule.

No neither of us smoke. I used to a very long time ago. I quit about 9 years ago.

DH has left basically until she leaves. If I evict her I will be painted as the bad guy. I also want to spend my time off with my family. DH is going to have a firm reminder that I'm his family now not his SIL or parents. I put him as my #1 follower by the DC. I expect the same in return. I sent a message to his parents that their flights have been moved to March next year. It's not a good time for the DC for them to visit. I've told DH to Skype them. Not my family not my problem.

I've also been left with kicking up a fuss for DS not having an aide at school. Apparently a lot of aides quit just before school started and now I'm pushing the district to hire agency staff as a temporary measure.

DH has said 'it will be a week on Wednesday and she is gone'. I told him it's a week on Wednesday until you are home arsehole.

Fuuuuck he is a cheeky shit. I do not know how you put up with it, especially after the idiotic antisemitism she's vomited up. Gold in teeth, ffs.

I'd be the bad guy and send her home. Your DH has abandoned you to her and she clearly isn't getting anything out of the visit anymore. Send her home and enjoy the peace and quiet

Next time she moans you could look at her sympathetically and ask if she's missing home? If she says yes, ask her if she'd like to go home? She may say yes...

eddie one can hope. The good news is I have a full on schedule this week. Last night I got home, put the kids to bed, ran out for my dinner group and took her with me. I have some amazing friends and my friends DH gave me a break from her. Tonight I have a work event and will get home past bedtime. I've got her attending a charity benefit at a friends restaurant. We normally don't go to charity events but I told her to people watch as these events attract some characters. Tomorrow I'm home for bedtime and out for yoga at 8:30pm. She asked to come with me so I got her a spot. Thursday DH is home thank the Lord!

Friday and through the weekend is going to be tough. She wants to go into NYC and next week she wants to meet me after work for a drink. She doesn't understand I want to come home and spend time with my DC before they go to sleep. NYC is great and all that but I'm staring at the bright lights every day, all day. I want to come home and cuddle with my kids while they still let me cuddle them.

She wants to go into NYC and next week she wants to meet me after work for a drink. She doesn't understand I want to come home and spend time with my DC before they go to sleep. NYC is great and all that but I'm staring at the bright lights every day, all day. I want to come home and cuddle with my kids while they still let me cuddle them.

I've been with you every step of the way OP but I'm sorry, I think this is a little unkind for a visitor (however difficult) who normally lives so far away from the "bright lights".

(although I still don't know why you haven't just told her to STFU when she's criticising you ).

I’m surprised you don’t get Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur off. We’re in Brooklyn. Public schools were closed yesterday and again today, they’ll close on Wednesday next week. Private schools closed yesterday and next Weds. does NJ recognise Eid?

Eid isn't recognized on the calendar either. This year the district is only off for Yom Kippur. It's been a major discussion point this year but the excuse by our district superintendent was that other districts in the county were in school and they are trying to mirror these other towns because that's where the majority of teacher live and most teachers in our district have children in school.

It's not a national holiday so I get where they are going with it. Trading doesn't stop so I have to work. It's annoying but lots of Jewish families didn't send their DC in.

She does sound a nightmare. I’m in Colorado visiting my Sil - luckily she is lovely and I count her as one of my best friends. Why on earth did she decide to visit when you and your DH are in work? We’ve come over to the States now (via Quebec to visit Mil and Fil) as Sil and her DH were taking time off to be with us.

Am I reading a Jane Green novel?

I haven't had time to read a book or watch Tv since 2011. I had never heard of Jane Green before!

I know I should go for a drink with her. I just hate adding another night out when it's not necessary. It doesn't help that I'm tired. I got no chance of a break this past weekend and I'm not going to get one this coming weekend either.

So DS has saved me. He hid my SILs medicine and can't remember where he hid it. She left them under the TV. No idea why she would leave them out in a spot the DC could easily reach.

It's $400 to get the medicine here but I told DH she needs to be seen by her own doctor. They have a seat on the plane tomorrow. DH is trying to get her on it.

crossing fingers for you!

Yay for DS!

He deserves an outing to a toy store .

And possibly DD as well for what she’s survived.

And you deserve a stop at the local wine merchant for a seriously special bottle

Fingers crossed that it all works out, as no one should not be able to take their vital medications.

Bloody hell, she's a living nightmare!!!! I must say though that your DH isn't coming across as being too great either.
I'd have told her to bugger off ages ago!

I can’t believe what I’ve read on here

I’d be beyond furious with dh

I thought she would be gone by now!

Her medicine is probably down the back of the sofa or DS planted them in the garden because he has been talking about seeds.

Im praying she doesn't find them because she wants to stay to Wednesday because DH is back Wednesday morning and she wants to have lunch with him before she leave. I'm like, he can take you out for lunch in Denmark in 2-3 weeks.

H knows he is in the wrong. He has had flowers delivered and is talking about me taking off next Saturday for a sleepy day at the local hotel in town. It's not booked yet and I'm not booking my own gift.

I'd get him to write down that he promises that she'll never come and visit again, his memory may be short

I hope that if DSIL has not already departed, that today is actually her last day (I think it was supposed to be?) and that your family is in quiet recovery over the next few days/weeks.