Venting - I have a SIL who is driving me batshit crazy

[Want2bSupermum]

We have 3DC ages 7, 5 and 2. Our eldest 2 have autism and we are extremely fortunate that they are high functioning. However they are hard work. The 2 year old is a 2 year old. Love her dearly but she is into everything. We are expats with DH and I both working FT plus we run two businesses. We are BUSY. We have a FT sitter over the summer. I've hired a housekeeper and I have a lady help with cooking 3 days a week. I'm sharing this because my SIL has come to visit us. She is very passive aggressive about everything. Has to be the martyr. I get that she is very sick. I get that she is hurting from losing her DH early this year. It's so hard not to react to her actions though.

I've told her to take my eldests bed she said no because she doesn't want to sleep with the DC. Meanwhile she is complaining about sleeping on the sofa and wants DH to buy her a mattress topper. I don't have time for this.

She keeps accusing me of foisting the DC on her. I have a FT nanny over the summer and I've said join in when you want, I've told our nanny she is sick and can't really fully participate.

Most of all she keeps calling me lazy. 'Well you have a housekeeper now I'm here I guess because I'm the only person filling the dishwasher' and 'the cat litter boxes stink you must clean them out now' as I stand there in an expensive dry clean only outfit. When I didn't do it right away she started telling me how it's wrong that he brother works so hard and I wouldn't have the house etc if it wasn't for him. It's really taking everything in me to not open my mouth and tell her WE paid for her flights, WE gave her $1000 spending money when she got here and WE have provided for her stay. Basically it's been me who has told DH we must support her financially because she can't work. It was me who pushed DH to pay off her mortgage, give her a credit card to pay for food etc and things when she can't afford it.

Anyway I'm rambling. I've got another 3 weeks of this. I'm miserable. It's too stressful at home. Everything is disorganized because she refuses to follow our plan.

Has she left OP? Is it safe for you to come out from under the covers now?

I have kept a low profile because the shit hit the fan. She missed her flight (on purpose I'm sure) and remained until Wednesday. Basically she and DH went out to run errands with the youngest in the car and left DD2 sleeping in her car seat. DH is damn lucky he wasn't arrested and that I haven't started divorce proceedings.

Not only did she eat my roasted chicken for Yom Kippur, she also forced me into a dyfus investigation which I do not deserve or need. She is never allowed to visit and the dyfus investigator was crystal clear that she is not to be anywhere near the DC.

I was very clear with DH that I need to see some changes from him otherwise our marriage is over. Dyfus gave me custody of the DC and I was very clear to DH that both him and his sister were in the house down to my good graces.

Holy shit Want2be. How did dyfus get involved? What is wrong with your DH? Is he in thrall to his sister? Does she bring some kind of Danish laissez-faire with her that renders him idiotic? I’m so sorry to hear this. This is a whole new level of escalation. And so close to Christmas. Distance, space, you do your thing and he does his. Let time allow tensions to simmer down before you set out what is and isn’t acceptable to you. This has to be the last time she visits (frankly I think her smoking is reason enough not to have her in the home. If that means she can’t visit, so be it. Your DH can go visit her when his family commitments allow, or else she can give up.)

Feel for you. Too much for one person to shoulder alone.

What the actual fuck?

First things first, are you and the kids ok?

jesus are you (you and the kids) all ok and at home together?

I'd be having a conversation about her lack of respect towards me and how I won't tolerate her treating me like that at all, nevermind in my own home! Her stay would be ended and her being only allowed to set foot in our house again if her attitude improves significantly. What is your OH doing about this? As his sibling he needs to be taking charge and putting her straight with you.

Holy fuck. Get her out of your house!!

She is gone and yes I'm fine as are the DC. DD2 was taken to the emergency room. She was in the car for about 30mins with all the windows up and it was 88F outside. Thank goodness a passerby alerted the police. I was home with the elder 2DC as I was having an additional therapy session for both of the elder two.

Basically DD2 was sleeping in the car. SIL was talking danish to DH and I was talking English to him. He had two people talking at him and considering I told him 3 times I didn't think I needed to tell him again. DH told me when they got to Walmart she was yabbering away and was telling him how I was too bossy and no fun. He didn't check the seat behind him before leaving the car.

I'm beyond furious with him. SIL took far too long to apologize. I've been very clear that his priorities have been wrong which leads to poor choices and subsequent poor outcomes (DD left sleeping in a very hot car).

So yes this bossy mother who is bossy and no fun is fuming. Thank goodness she was in a radian car seat which isn't as insulated and I had a cool gel pad down which the doctor said saved her having any impact beyond dehydration.

Oh wow that's horrible. Poor baby and you! She really is a piece of work. I hope you get some time for yourself. You have so much going on in your life. You sound like you are doing a great job juggling all that but I can imagine you also need some time to decompress.

She is not welcome in our family. I do have DHs full attention. Me having full custody of the DC saw a change in attitude. I was very clear that he is only staying in the house because I wanted to see him practice some self reflection. He goes to a therapist tomorrow morning that he picked out to help him work through his priority hierarchy. I've told him it's crystal clear. Spouse first, children 2nd and everyone/thing else third.

7salmon The police and hospital were very understandably required to call dyfus due to a neglect of duty to care for a minor.

Due to the severity of the crime, it's a felony, there must be an investigation conducted by dyfus. I fully agree with them conducting an investigation. DH was an absolute idiot and if he can't show proper engagement as a parent I'm not sticking around. I would be very well provided for if we divorced and, given what has happened, I'd have full custody of the DC with zero access to his sister.

As it stands right now DH has had a clear message that his family aren't welcome and no longer are his family going to dictate our schedule when we visit them. We have our own schedule and they can join in if they do wish.

It’s incredible how much power she has to influence the dynamic in your home. For a grown man to let his hectoring sister turn his head from his own baby...it’s not a hierarchy of priorities he needs. It’s space and time to think about his life and what’s going on in it, get things straight in his head. If you are both to keep all these balls in the air, something is going to have to give. Your SIL can be top of that list. You have a poorly dad, don’t you? Him, your jobs, your kids, your health, your marriage - that’s plenty. Everything else slides until the children are older.

I’m so glad your DD is okay, the outcome could have been a lot worse. Poor thing.

Wow. Op you are a saint.

Im up in the night with insomnia and have just read the full thread. You made me giggle at some of your descriptions of her, she sounds batshit!

I spent a very happy summer in NY state back in 1998 when I did Camp America with SN adults. I think of it fondly every single day and miss it so much. I would love to live there though some people think I'm crazy.

I actually went to NJ at the end of camp with a gang of friends as another counsellor kindly invited us all to her parents house for the weekend, it was a place called Fairhaven.

You sound like you've been through the mill. I too have a ds with autism and it's bloody hard work and I don't know how you didn't manage to kill her

If you ever want to chat I would love to, also have a 7yr old dd ( delightful age haha ) and I'm another to think that all of your posts I've seen over the years have been calm and measured but this madam has tipped you over the edge. Glad she has gone. Relax and breathe.

Holy hell, I'm shocked. She's one evil cow. So glad you no longer will be putting up with any of them again.
Chances are she's gone home and changed the story of what happened to his family and he will be recieving calls blaming you for everything.

This is the thing. I'm normally a very calm person. I think things through and take action in a calm and efficient way. I have a plan and stick to it so much more gets accomplished. It might be boring but with everything going on it's the only way I know how to best make sure the DC get what they need.

DH hasn't told anyone back in Denmark what has happened. My dad knows and he told my sister because he wants her to fly over to help him. My sister had her 3rd DC earlier this year and goes back to work in the next month. My brother is going to fly in to take care of my Dad for the next couple of months. Anyway, I think it's fucked up that DH 'can't' tell his parents. This is something he needs to talk to his therapist about. If SIL says one thing about me that is negative I will give her a piece of my mind infront of everyone. She is an absolute failure in every aspect of her life. It's not bad luck but made bad choices repeatedly because she has zero self control and will stop at nothing to ensure she is the center of attention. The only reason we have financially and emotionally supported her is because she is family and that is what you do but that doesn't change the fact that we owe her nothing.

zoflora I know Fairhaven! I do like living here and the opportunities it's provided us. We have everything within 2 hours. It's a very special part of America and the world. We have the highest taxation but we also have the most services which I've found to be high quality.

SIL is truly batshit crazy. The morning after all this happened I am making my morning coffee and she started telling me how her friend left her 2 DC asleep in bed regularly and went to another friends home 10mins or so walk away for a few drinks. One time her DC woke up and couldn't find their mum. SIL was like these things happen and she was fine. I calmly told her that here that would result in a felony charge of child neglect. The DC would be removed from their mothers care. I could not help but think 'OMG you are friends with someone who has such poor judgment. Wtf is wrong with you people. Those poor DC must have been terrified and you are minimizing what their mother did.'

So if he’s refusing to tell his parents what happened how the fuck is he intending to tell them they aren’t welcome? Or does he think you’ll change your mind?

Oh my word, what on earth happened in your DH’s brain for this to occur? So she was talking to him and you were on the phone, but he couldn’t get the balls to take control of things so he could remember the single most important thing he had to do.

I find multitasking tricky, particularly with visual/auditory distraction, but my child is my top priority so that is where I say ‘No, stop, I need to concentrate on doing X, Y and Z.’

Wow. Hopefully now your DH can see how fucked up this is.

Not my parents. Not my problem. I told him and dyfus his parents aren't welcome. If he brings them here he leaves and it's divorce attorney time. He knows this so won't dare. The only family member welcome here is my father because he actually helps and mucks in. No one else including my mother are welcome.

Maybedoctor Its worse than that. We had been for dinner in the next town to an expensive restaurant and the food was horrible. We live around the corner from a nice pizzeria which we could have walked to but madam wanted bling. She took so bloody long getting ready I was running into the therapy appointment which was to work on DDs bedtime anxiety. So we all go off to the next town for cold fancy pizza. DH drove back to drop me off with the elder 2 DC. His sister HAD to sit in the front seat because her legs hurt otherwise. She talked non stop all the way back home in Danish. We got home, I reminded DH again what the plan was in that he would take DD2. He ran in to go to the bathroom and I had stayed in the car. He was walking back and I got the elder 2 out the car. I'm talking to DH and telling him he is taking DD2 and SIL rolled down the window talking to him in Danish. She then told me to stop telling DH what to do. I told DH again as he was getting in the car that he had DD2, she was snoozing and let him know the old maclaren stroller is in the boot. Again bloody SIL interrupted me. I repeated myself again and told him I'm taking all 3 DC. DH said he wanted to take DD2 because he was going to have her pick out training pants.

He needed to tell his sister to STFU and put DD2 first.

Your SIL is a nightmare and DH not much better. I’d be cancelling future visits to see his family and take your DC’s somewhere exciting for them. Christmas in Florida st Disney?

You both needed to tell her to shut the fuck up, long before it got to this stage.

What were you all thinking?

I found the missing medication. DS thought the tablets were seeds and planted them outside.

DH completely forgot DD2 was in the back of the car. Yes I'm furious with him and he was the one responsible. I'm furious with my SIL because she kept on shopping for almost 2 hours after DH left her because the car alarm went off, tried to blame me then tried to blame DH and then tried to minimize just how bad a situation it is.

To be fair to DH he is mortified he forgot DD2. He has agreed to everything I've asked. He found his own therapist and is taking responsibility for his idiotic mistake. I refuse to allow him to be alone with the DC and he fully respects this. I've been very clear that I don't trust him right now. He really badly let down DD2 and as her mother I'm putting their needs first. I told him the stage he is in right now is redemption. To get to forgiveness he needs to demonstrate he has changed his ways over a sustained period of time. I don't know what that period is but until then he won't be alone with the DC.