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Original poster

DD refusing to fly..we're going away on Sat!

205 replies

user1483390742 · 08/08/2018 15:58

My 12 year old hates flying and has said she will not get onto a plane on Sat for a 4 hour flight.
Previous flights have not always been good- she has been terrified a couple of times with turbulance ( it was quite scary) and has spent many flights vomiting with fear. She will not be reassured by me or DH, cabin crew or even the pilot.
It is genuine fear she feels- pale, clammy hands and uncontrollable crying.
She has now said there is no way she is getting on the flight in 3 days time. Our family are overseas and there is no-one for her to stay with for 2 weeks.
Up until this point we have always got her onto the flight, but this time it is a whole new level of refusal and fear. Almost phobic, i would say.
I honestly don't know what to do. Her siblings will go nuts if we cancel, and i will go nuts if i have to miss out!
WWYD? Any advice greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
XXcstatic · 08/08/2018 20:42

There is also a phenomenon called paradoxical agitation which can occur with these drugs, again not something you want at 30,000 feet

Indeed - once seen, never forgotten. One of the many reasons why diazepam is not licensed for any form of sedation in children.

(Not having a go at you, OP, only at the fuckwits telling you to give your DD a dangerous, unlicensed drug)

StarUtopia · 08/08/2018 20:50

You won't go nuts if you miss out - you will comfort your daughter, reassure her it's actually FINE that you don't have to go and work out how you're going to fix this for future holidays.

Andro · 08/08/2018 20:54

user1483390742

You're not a monster! You got it badly wrong; you aren't the first and you most assuredly won't be the last. What's important is where you go from here.

I see a lot of advocacy of 'fear of flying' courses, sometimes they work but with severe phobias, they often don't. My ds managed to panic himself into a hospital admission (paramedics on the plane, the whole works) the first time we tried to fly after he came to us...until then we had no idea he had an issue. He is mostly over it now, but he had had years of treatment (other issues besides the phobia which complicated matters). A combination of CBT and exposure therapy has got us to this point.

A fear of flying can be overcome in almost all cases, but it needs the right support, the right help and most importantly the person has to want to overcome it - if your DD isn't 100% onboard then you have no chance!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Flying Holidays
HoleyCoMoley · 08/08/2018 20:55

I'm truly surprised that anyone is suggesting a 12 yo be sedated or given meds to help her fly, especially without even seeing a doctor and buying them online, phenergan, diazepam and beta blockers. These are all strong meds with potentially very serious side effects.

Mumtothelittlefella · 08/08/2018 20:56

I have an awful fear of flying. I don’t want to let it stop me from travelling and we’ve managed to a few long haul flights and regular trips in Europe. Hypnotherapy made a big difference but took three sessions plus a visit to the Dr for some diazepam. Works a treat and the fear factor is reduced from a scale of 10 to 3. Although I’m never fully relaxed and always waiting for bumps!

That said, if my DH forced me to get on a flight I would have had a panic attack. I always felt as though it was my choice and something I wanted to do. I honestly don’t think you should force her into a corner. You’ll make it worse. Accept that you might have to miss the holiday and work on her fear over time (if that what she wants). Imagine if she flips at the destination and you can’t get home. Poor kid.

RainbowInACloud · 08/08/2018 20:59

Another doctor here that is aghast at people suggesting a 12 year old should be given valium to fly. Like the other GP up thread I no longer give diazepam to adults with fear of flying. It's important that you are able to react appropriately and safely if there was an emergency and the thought of a sedated 12 year old is horrifying! Who would take responsibility if she were to lose her airway?! She is also under the age where she could fully consent so just wrong on so many levels.

DamsonGin · 08/08/2018 21:06

I would suggest you cancel for you and her to show her you're taking her fear seriously, then work on a longer term plan.

If you give her the choice it has to be guilt free or you're going to stack up problems for future travel.

Also, if you force her now, are you sure you'll get her home again?

Rebecca36 · 08/08/2018 21:08

You must have known she felt like that before you booked. It's not fair to force her. Is there anyone she can stay with if the rest of you go away without her, grandparents, aunt or someone?

People cannot help fears and phobias. With time they sometimes overcome them but being pushed to do something that terrifies is no help at all.

Diva1985 · 08/08/2018 21:21

I have a fear of flying. I took a diazapam once it made me feel even worse. I felt sick I was unable to relax. I would never take one again for that purpose. Instead I put headphones in and try my best ro distract myself.

zen1 · 08/08/2018 21:25

Glad you have had second thoughts about taking her OP. Please don’t make it a choice, just tell her you know how terrified she is and that you have decided to stay at home with her. I am phobic of flying (last flight almost 20 years ago, I took an accidental overdose of someone else’s Tamazepam and lost consciousness on the plane). The fear got worse with each flight. I think it’s a good idea to get her some therapy in the longer term to help her deal with her fears. I still have anxiety dreams about flying now.

Original poster
user1483390742 · 08/08/2018 22:52

We have had a long talk and decided that she and i will stay home this year and go to Centerparks for a long weekend instead.

I will not force her, nor encourage her to take drugs to get on the plane.

We will consider appropriate treatments with a view to flying next year- that is what she wants.

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 08/08/2018 22:58

That sounds fab OP. I hope you have a lovely time and she’s able to overcome her fear so you can have future fab holidays Flowers

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/08/2018 22:58

That's good OP, it's the right thing. I know you'll be disappointed but long term your DD will thank you. Hope you can get the appropriate help for her in future.

zen1 · 08/08/2018 23:01

That’s a lovely thing to do OP. You sound like a great mum and your daughter will really appreciate you doing this.

DamsonGin · 08/08/2018 23:18

That's good, I think she'll thank you for that in the long run. As much as anything it'll take the pressure off. I hope you have a nice time at centerparcs.

Frazzled2207 · 08/08/2018 23:21

As frustrating as that is you've done the right thing. Hopefully you can get it sorted properly for next year. Surely a fear of flying course is worth considering.

HelenUrth · 08/08/2018 23:33

Well done. I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision, and your DD is probably too young to really appreciate what you've done for her, but in years to come she will. In the meantime to know that you'll support her when she's in emotional trouble will stand to her immeasurably.

WontBeUsingPassMyParcelAgain · 09/08/2018 00:06

It sounds like you have made a fab decision for your daughter. As a teenager and an emitophobe, I developed a fear of holidays after a coach holiday abroad where everyone on the coach got a vomiting bug. My mum insisted I would be fine and we went on a subsequent holiday as planned and actually got to the hotel. After several hours and being completely unable to eat or settle, she realised that I really wasn't just having her on and we came home. I was never allowed to forget it though and my family and siblings still refer to it 25 years later. Hypnotherapy has never worked for me, but I am much more able to control things as an adult (and go on holiday regularly!) Thank you for taking advice on here and for showing your daughter that you are on her side and will help her through this.

QueenOlives · 09/08/2018 19:39

Ah lovely OP. Enjoy your weekend away. Sounds fab to me, bonus to get 1-2-1 time with her 😊

Well done for taking the comments onboard so good naturedly- not easy when everyone telling you it's wrong.

You sound like an awesome mum to me- one who can admit she is wrong and make a decision to correct it is probably a better role model to your kids than one making so called perfect decisions all the time...

hendricksy · 09/08/2018 19:41

What a great Mum you are , I hope your dh and other children are understanding . Good luck helping her x

BifsWif · 09/08/2018 19:48

Who the fuck thinks giving diazepam to a child is a good idea?! I had ONE after a traumatic bereavement and couldn’t function, even half made me feel funny and I’m a fully grown adult.

I booked Lapland earlier this year, over the past 6 months my son has become phobic about flying. He sounds much like your daughter, so we’re not going. It is absolutely not worth that much pressure on him for 4 nights away.

I don’t know why you booked to go knowing how frightened she is. Forcing her on the flight sounds just as awful as drugging her, and you’re likely to be asked to leave the flight if she is as bad as you say.

BifsWif · 09/08/2018 19:48

Oh bloody hell I missed the update I’m sorry!

I think you’ve done the right thing, she will never forget you did this for her.

MelisandeMortmain · 09/08/2018 20:01

That's great to hear OP. I wish my mum had done the same for me.

Rebecca36 · 09/08/2018 20:12

You've made the correct decision, user, well done. Proud of you.

Far better than forcing her or giving her drugs, she's far too young for medication.

Enjoy Centerparcs.

GreenTulips · 09/08/2018 20:44

My DS has this exact reaction to going to school

I have to force him to go, because that's what the law states.

Does that make me and many others 'bad parents'?

Of coarse not!

I think you've given in far to easily and I would've found her a place to stay or come along. I wouldn't miss out on seeing other family.