DD refusing to fly..we're going away on Sat!

[user1483390742]

My 12 year old hates flying and has said she will not get onto a plane on Sat for a 4 hour flight.
Previous flights have not always been good- she has been terrified a couple of times with turbulance ( it was quite scary) and has spent many flights vomiting with fear. She will not be reassured by me or DH, cabin crew or even the pilot.
It is genuine fear she feels- pale, clammy hands and uncontrollable crying.
She has now said there is no way she is getting on the flight in 3 days time. Our family are overseas and there is no-one for her to stay with for 2 weeks.
Up until this point we have always got her onto the flight, but this time it is a whole new level of refusal and fear. Almost phobic, i would say.
I honestly don't know what to do. Her siblings will go nuts if we cancel, and i will go nuts if i have to miss out!
WWYD? Any advice greatly appreciated!

Without help I should say.

Stop forcing her to fly. She's spent flights vomiting in fear and you carry on booking flights anyway? There must be other options.

Hypnotherapy sessions as suggested above- see if the hypnotist can record the session so dd can play it to herself on the flight through headphones?

I really don't think you should be putting the onus on your daughter to decide whether to travel or not, she will probably feel terrible that if she stays at home you have to stay with her.

Tell her that you are sorry you did not take her phobia seriously, you will be staying at home with her and you will be supporting her with ways of managing/ overcoming her anxieties with flying instead. Reassure her that if this doesn't work you will ensure she travels by boat/ plane/ car to her next holiday.

I have terrible fear of flying and it pisses me right off when people don't take it seriously.

On a positive note, several bouts of hypnotherapy and medication have enabled me to recently endure a short flight without panic attacks, vomiting or crying 🙌🏻

Of course the alternative is to stay at home but that's shit for you and her . Where did he fear come from and is there any reason for it? These thins can creep up on you so I imagine you didn't realise the scale of it when you booked the holiday .

@hendricksy "These thins can creep up on you so I imagine you didn't realise the scale of it when you booked the holiday "

did you read the OP? She said her DD spent previous flights vomiting in fear.

also there's an update - OP has realised she can't take DD. (cancel the cheque!)

My dd ASKED for something to knock her out as she had a panic attack ,as time we flew. I bought some phenergan on the online pharmacy and it was great. One tablet the night before. Another in the morning and she didn't feel sick and was a lot calmer. It also has instructions on the pack for how yo take as a slight sedative.

Posted earlier - fellow flight phobic.

I just wanted to add one thing. I know I am an adult, but I really feel the impact of not being able (or willing) to travel to different places.

I really wish that I had help earlier.

I would actively encourage you to actively support and help your daughter. Staying home is such an easy option (I deliberately use actively twice as you need to show your support)

When I have been supported on a flight, I have loved the experience of being in different places. Please do not cut this opportunity off for your daughter.

She is 12. She needs adult support and guidance. By no means force her, but please don’t just give in without exloring options.

Whilst the thought of missing out on a holiday is truly shit, I really can't imagine forcing my child into situation that terrifies them for four minutes, never mind for four long hours. As parents our job is to protect and nurture our children, don't risk destroying her trust in you as her caregiver.

Next time, do hypnotherapy, mindfulness, flight courses, whatever it takes to make her feel at ease BEFORE you book a flight.

Absolutely terrified of flying here too. I cry on take off, I cry on landing (mainly with relief but also I hate coming down to land), I am unable to sleep and am on high alert throughout. I have to do a 12 hour flight soon and I'm not quite sure how I'll manage.

Anyway, I've tried diazepam but it doesn't stop the fear and panic because it is the adrenalin rush that makes the panic symptoms so bad. Instead my GP has prescribed beta blockers, which reduce the heart rate and block the effects of adrenaline, so the physical response to a panic situation are reduced. So, whilst I'm still scared I'm not also suffering the racing heart, the sweats etc. I am not at all sedated. I'm not against giving medication per se but a sedative seems quite extreme, so I thought I'd suggest it as another possible option.

Also, BA do this book Flying With Confidence which is an easy read, and is also available as an audiobook. It certainly helped me to understand the physics of flying.

Also there are some great hypnosis apps out there. Check out some of Andrew Johnson's apps here: Enjoy Flying app

I reckon your DD can read or listen to the book before Saturday, and she can also listen to a podcast or two to help her quickly learn some calming techniques. See if you can get her to do that and then chat to her on Friday night and make a decision.

Lastly, you're not a bad mum - I think you've been given a tough time on here. If I were to refuse to fly it would have a big impact on our family, and it is important to me to try and tackle my fear so that we can have lovely holidays together. However, I am an adult and I can make my own decisions. I pity you both having this difficult situation. I wish you luck in finding a way to help her.

Even if you persuade your DD on to a new from this end, she’ll have the fear of the flight home all through the holiday and that’s awful.
The thing about a phobia is that it’s irrational- you can understand on an intellectual level how planes stay up but that does change your emotional response.

I am relieved that you are changing your plans. Please get help for your daughter and seriously consider another method of transport for future holidays

Another advocate for phenergan (promethazine) here, 25mg - 50mg is recommended to 9-14 year olds for short term sedation (as per BNF widely available on google).

The suggestion of you and DH swippinh so someone flys home early (presumably the family where you are going could watch the kids for a few hours) you hand over DD at the airport and the other one flys out, sounds sensible if you are both desperate to go on the holiday.

Have a look at the Flying without Fear Hypnosis Session by Thomas Hall. It's on YouTube and massively helped me at the airport when we were delayed. I think YouTubes new thing let's you download videos too but not sure.

I'd get to the drs for an 'emergency' Valium. It won't do her any harm & in fact might help her realised it's ok.

I had Ativan when I was about 15.

I am a GP. I don't prescribe valium (diazepam) to ANYONE for fear of flying anymore, let alone a child.

There is advice from the Civil Aviation Authority to suggest that having drugged people on a flight is dangerous in an emergency situation, and it also puts crew in an uncomfortable position because (despite how people seem to be chucking it about willy nilly on here) valium is a dangerous drug and there is a potential for overdose leading to unconsciousness, loss of airway, etc etc. There is also a phenomenon called paradoxical agitation which can occur with these drugs, again not something you want at 30,000 feet.

None of us get it right all the time 🌷

I would book hypnotherapy sessions for Thursday and Friday. I’d get her something to calm her nerves (Valium etc) and some placebo ‘rescue remedy’ type stuff and something to occupy her. Bribery AND the promise you’ll never book another flight for her until she’s ready to try again, but tell her you really need her to try these things this time.

Lastly, you're not a bad mum - I think you've been given a tough time on here. If I were to refuse to fly it would have a big impact on our family, and it is important to me to try and tackle my fear so that we can have lovely holidays together. However, I am an adult and I can make my own decisions. I pity you both having this difficult situation. I wish you luck in finding a way to help her.

Thank you Cruggs- it's nice to read one comment that isn't telling me what a monster i am.

Some alternatives to medication (though that might be the most effective solution):

Get some good noise cancelling headphones. Find some podcasts or favourite music/books for her to listen to.

When flying, tell her to close her eyes (an eye mask may help here) and imagine she is on a coach or train. The motion is very similar especially during mild turbulence.

Hold her hand.

Poor thing, she sounds terrified.

I know an excellent hypnotherapist in Brighton. If you could say roughly the region you're in you may get some recommendations.
I didn't really believe hypnotherapy worked but believe me it does. One session cured me of a lifelong phobia.

I'd get to the drs for an 'emergency' Valium. It won't do her any harm

Don't know where you went to medical school, OxfordBlue, but you must have skipped a few lectures....

When I went to med school, they taught us that diazepam is a potentially highly dangerous drug, with risks including respiratory depression and death. The side effects are unpredictable and don't correlate reliably with weight/size, so it's a particularly risky drug in children. Any GP who would even contemplate prescribing it for a child stuck in a metal tube at 10,000 feet, with no medical help available, should be struck off.

Fuck me, I have seen some dangerous advice on MN in my time, but this thread is jaw-dropping. The number of people who think it is safe to sedate a child with a narcotic is .

I must be honest though, I wouldn’t have booked this. It’s not just the flight out is it? Her whole holiday will be ruined by the fear of the flight back. Easy to see this from the outside. Not so easy for you having to juggle the needs of all family members. Hope you find a solution.

My DS suddenly developed a fear of flying a few years ago, no idea why, never had a bad experience, so we didn’t fly for a number of years and had UK holidays. I wouldn’t want to put him through it, he is strong willed and if he said he wouldn’t fly he wouldn’t.

If I were you I would approach a local clinical hypnotherapist and ask if they could fit you in as an emergency. It's incredibly last minute but I have treated people for fear of flying successfully in 2 sessions so it is possible! PM me if you have any questions.

I would 100% give my child phenergan if this was my DD.
I get anxiety around travelling, and feel sick and panicky.
Phenergan is a travel sickness tablet that also treats anxiety. You start taking them a couple of nights before for travel sickness though.
It can be prescribed for children or bought over the counter.
It’s not as harsh/strong as diazepam.
It will stop sickness as it stops the sickness receptors in the brain apparently, it will calm her down and make her sleepy.