DD refusing to fly..we're going away on Sat!

[user1483390742]

My 12 year old hates flying and has said she will not get onto a plane on Sat for a 4 hour flight.
Previous flights have not always been good- she has been terrified a couple of times with turbulance ( it was quite scary) and has spent many flights vomiting with fear. She will not be reassured by me or DH, cabin crew or even the pilot.
It is genuine fear she feels- pale, clammy hands and uncontrollable crying.
She has now said there is no way she is getting on the flight in 3 days time. Our family are overseas and there is no-one for her to stay with for 2 weeks.
Up until this point we have always got her onto the flight, but this time it is a whole new level of refusal and fear. Almost phobic, i would say.
I honestly don't know what to do. Her siblings will go nuts if we cancel, and i will go nuts if i have to miss out!
WWYD? Any advice greatly appreciated!

I’m pleased to see your update, and that you’ve really listened to what your daughter has been trying to tell you for a while.

Oh thank God Op. I've been reading this thread with horror, hoping that you would come back and have an alternative solution.

I am very much in the 'not pandering to their every whim' school of parenting, but this is a different matter. You simply cannot force another person to do something that they are terrified of if there is another way. I remember being forced to do things that I hated as a child, and I still feel resentful about it. This could seriously affect your relationship with your daughter.

Your solution to stay behind with her is a brilliant one, she will be so relieved, and now you will have time to sort it out for the future, because it is something that can be fixed. All the best to you and your daughter.

Slight claustrophobic is why I don't like flying.

I thought is was the flying but then did trip via work - got upgraded out and couple of guys had to stay past fly back date so had row of five for three people and I was completly fine.

If you want something sedative, Stugeron travel sickness tablets are an antihistamine that causes drowsiness, a couple of those ought to take the edge off.

Happy to hear your update OP. Hopefully she will not be made to feel bad for not wanting to go.

I do think that the decision to force her to go (both now and in the past) is very wrong. Obviously she is not just being silly about it, it's a real issue, which the reaction on the many flights in the past have already shown, and I think it is incredibly sad that her boundaries have not been respected in the past.

I can't help but feel that if your DH wanted to put you in a situation that triggered the same reaction - genuine fear, almost phobic, petrified - it would be considered absolutely unacceptable.
I can only imagine that him asking online for advice on which drugs to use to sedate you (before having had a conversation with you) would also be considered unacceptable.

So why do it to your DD?

Could you take her to the local airfield for a coffee and a cheese buttie? Book a flying lesson in a little Cesena and use the time for explanations of the physics and a taxi along the runway; maybe a take off and landing. It puts all the scary huge airport/airplane experience into context.

I did that when I was nervous about my first big flight. I ended up flying over our house with the pilot in control. She was lovely. The best thing she said, when it was my turn to drive was 'there's nothing you can do that I can't get us back from'.

What if you either drug her, or force her onto the flight () and she has a truly dreadful experience - how the hell are you going to get her home? This could be a really traumatic experience for the whole family, and ruin the holiday anyway.

I'm surprised you didn't see this coming - are you really not prepared to let the others go without you two, and have a home break instead, or even a train to Europe or something?

Glad you have decided to stay at home with her if necessary.
It would be massively unfair on her and other passengers to make her travel.

If she was my dd's friend, I'd happily have her for the fortnight, are there any friend's parent's who you could ask?

Definitely don't force her or drug her - it'll make it 100% worse. I have serious anxiety around travel which built up through my teenage years of being forced to go wherever my parents were going. Now I can't do anything beyond my regular commute to work or to the shops for grocery shopping. I can't do trains, long journeys in the car, I'm not keen on boats, and I've never been on a plane! I exist in a 10mile x 10mile area...pretty much.
I'm not saying that she'll end up with me if you force her, but it's certainly a step in the wrong direction for her to add more bad experiences to the pile!

This book might help her understand what's behind her fear of flying and how she can overcome it. I got it for my DC when she developed severe anxiety about going to school and it worked for her.

OP has updated at 17:05! Have a read

You have all given me lots of food for thought. I hate being described as cruel- i'm just a normal mum. DH and i will sit down with her tonight and discuss options. I have decided that i will stay home with her, if that is what she wants and DH will take the others away.
I don't always get this mum thing right, but i am willing to learn!

It’s a really positive sign how open minded and willing to take on board feedback.

I feel that this situation could have been avoided if you’d acted much earlier than 4 days before departure.
So much is parenting is about pre empting problems and finding solutions before the potential problem actually occurs.

So, in this scenario I see that you really do need to fly to visit family so I’d book the flights but then sit your daughter down and say that you take her concerns very seriously and you are going to accompany her on a flight course (flight phobic friend did on. V expensive but absolutely brilliant. Expensive because they do actually take off and go on a flight. It was with ba I think)

tararabumdeay the OP isn't just nervous the poor girl is completely phobic. A brew and a cheese buttie ain't going to cut it!

Charolais
Your MRIs were presumably necessary. A holiday flight isn't.

They can tell her she has to 'do what she has to do' and toughen up, till the cows come home. She'll still be terrified and probably have screaming hysterics into the bargain. She's 12 and this problem has not been addressed so has likely got worse. Mind over matter isn't going to work by this Saturday.

No one suggested drugging her without her consent!
The point is to give her drugs to get through it.
Many of us take drugs to get through situations, in my case propanolol. It takes the edge off things. Lots of people need the edge taking off life. A phobia is perfectly treatable and shouldn’t hinder her from flying if well treated. That can start with a sedative.

Yes, I've read the update Cauliflowersqueeze... The book was a suggestion to help her overcome her anxiety in the long term.

Please don’t put the decision on your child. YOU know she can’t fly, you need to give her the solution. Poor kid. She must have the weight of the world on her shoulders atm.

I think a fear of flying (for adults at least) is often about not being in control so forcing her to do something could only make it worse in the short term (and will likely make things worse between you two in the long term.)

See if you can work with her to overcome the fear via GP, reading, hypnosis, whatever. If you can accept the fear as a real thing that can be treated rather than dismissing it, she may agree and want to treat it too.

Biologifemini "No one suggested drugging her without her consent! "

well, this is an interesting one. I have trouble getting Valium from the doctor. Does a 12 year old know what kind of choice they are making to take it, how they might feel?

with some of the travel sickness stuff I was given at that age - god, I have never felt so ill in my life! hence all the vomiting and dirrhea when the effects wore off.

so ..I don't know. To what extent can a 12 year old make a choice about taking a pill? It's not that she has a chest infection which needs antibiotics and she will be in bed at home while she gets better.

It's simply "take a pill to please your family and get on a plane". And there's no guarantee that the pill will make her feel better, it might make her worse etc. Not a choice a 12 year old should have to make, or have forced on them.

It really winds me up how a fear of flying is dismissed. It's an awful feeling and I don't wish it on anyone.

We went on holiday a couple of years ago and I'm terrified, absolutely terrified, but said I'd hold it together for the DC, I did warn dp though that if at any point any of the DC were too scared to go on the plane I wouldn't force them. He said they had no choice. My response was we'd be over if he ever forced them to do something that terrified them unless it was essential ie health need etc

In your shoes my DC feeling safe, loved, secure and supported would be my only concern. If a final talk didn't do the trick there's no way I'd force her to do something non essential that clearly scares her so much. It's the sort of thing a child will never forget imo.

Why on earth did you book a flight knowing she is so terrified? And why are you only willing to stay at home with her now that other people have pointed out how cruel it is? I really, really hope that this is fake.

I’ve seen your update - that will be massively reassuring for her

I have a dreadful fear of travel. I know how illogical it is.

One recent occasion was a boat trip (small boat) across sea that we knew would be rough. I went into major panic mode - wanted to go home. Full on strop (at the age of 45), threatened to divorce my husband etc. A couple could clearly see my distress and offered my some of their travel tablets (sedative effect).

To cut a long story short, I was one of only a handful of people who managed to stay smiling and not sick during a crossing from hell.

If I were in your shoes, I would try to talk to my daughter about the positives of the destination. Do not minimise the fear of the flight. I used to work at an airport and have been talked through the whole process so many times - it makes no difference!

I would instead offer something (like a sedative) that will alleviate the anxiety sufficiently and make the flight bearable. I would be very open about what I was offering as that is reassuring.

To this day, I do not know if i was offered a placaebo or not - regardless it allowed me to feel a little more in control.

I wish I could help more - I understand how your daughter feels. Anger and demands will not help. It’s a phobia and it has no real logic attached to it.

Good luck and I genuinely hope you all get to go. Ps. A really good book/magazine helps me to stay calm and (in my experience) do not try and engage in conversation during the flight.

Don't ask her to make the final decision, you don't want her to feel guilty because she wants you to stay at home with you, that's not fair at all. Say you are sorry, you were thoughtless and didn't realise how upset this would make her. Tell her you can arrange to go by boat or train or just arrange to take her on a lovely 2 week uk based holiday. If you say you can stay at home with her if that's what she wants then she might feel she's letting everyone down and she'll miss out on a holiday.

I agree with PP, don't make her choose and for her to shoulder the responsibility. She hasn't let anyone down as you booked the flights knowing how terrified she is. Can she have a UK (or close Europe) based holiday where she doesn't have to fly?

I understand adults who have booked their own holiday to drug themselves to go on a plane but it seems cruel to drug a child to do something she didn't want to do in the first place. Just to please others.

Charolais the difference is an MRI is necessary. Presumably because a medical issue needs investigating. Flying on holiday and forcing a phobic child on a plane without addressing the phobia isn't.

I'm having CBT at the moment and they would never recommend just forcing yourself on a long flight and being that terrified.