DD refusing to fly..we're going away on Sat!

[user1483390742]

My 12 year old hates flying and has said she will not get onto a plane on Sat for a 4 hour flight.
Previous flights have not always been good- she has been terrified a couple of times with turbulance ( it was quite scary) and has spent many flights vomiting with fear. She will not be reassured by me or DH, cabin crew or even the pilot.
It is genuine fear she feels- pale, clammy hands and uncontrollable crying.
She has now said there is no way she is getting on the flight in 3 days time. Our family are overseas and there is no-one for her to stay with for 2 weeks.
Up until this point we have always got her onto the flight, but this time it is a whole new level of refusal and fear. Almost phobic, i would say.
I honestly don't know what to do. Her siblings will go nuts if we cancel, and i will go nuts if i have to miss out!
WWYD? Any advice greatly appreciated!

You poor thing - that sounds really hard. Do you think she would agree to having a mild sedative to relax her?
I’m honestly not sure what I would do.

Adults online debating how best to drug her just so she doesn't let everyone in her family down. Doesn't sit right with me

This too! When it’s not her letting anyone down, it’s the parents who booked a bloody 4 hour flight knowing she was shit scared!

as an adult, choosing to go abroad, I have taken Valium but it seems all kinds of wrong to get a child to take it for something non-essential that she didn't want to do in the first place!

I would hope the GP would agree.

my parents tried the phenergan and piriton type things on me when I was a child and it often made me feel awful and I'd just throw up for a couple of days on arrival.

why do so many parents insist their children go through all this? I don't get it.

one of you has to stay home with her.

give you a chance to think about your parenting tbh!!

OP says that all their family is abroad so presumably this trip is to go and see them rather than some random holiday. Very difficult situation if so!

The only acceptable answers to this are someone stays at home with her or you find an alternative transport to get to your destination . You do not drug a 12 yo so that you can have a holiday and I doubt you would get her on a course at such short notice .

This was dd2 when she flew for the first time last year. She was with her dad and his gf. She was 12.
She had been fine about going until they got on the plane. She became hysterical. The cabin crew and pilot were fanatastic with her. The pilot took her through to the cockpit and showed her what each button etc did. He then gave her his cap to wear for the whole flight.
She was still very nervous obviously but the cabin crew kept on eye on her and spoke to her a lot.

I hope this might reassure you a little.

I feel very sorry for your DD and really don't think you should force her. She's genuinely terrified. I'd spend the next 48 hours looking for someone to have her for the fortnight- think creatively, you and she probably know quite a few nice people!

Then afterwards maybe think about a Fear of Flying course and/ or therapy. Or trains and boats.

Silver I wonder where the extended family are? There are overnight ferry plus driving/ train options to most places within a 4 hour flight. Obviously it increases the travel time (though with flight delays and security queues it's often far pleasanter) but not flying doesn't mean never visiting.

It is very 'A team' OP. 'I pity the fool' that tried to put your DD on a plane....oh wait, a dose of sedative at the airport and she'll float onto the plane!

Booking a 4 hour flight with a 12 year old who’s terrified of flying...
What possessed you to do this? It seems almost deliberately cruel.

Well as I see it you have only a few options:

Find someone she can stay with - family friends if your family is all abroad.

Go to GP and see what options they can offer to get her on the plane.

One of you stays home with her and rest fly off.

None are ideal.

For future obviously you need to try and get some help for the phobia and panic or not fly with her.

Only other thing I can see is to hope she is better or bribe able nearer the time - which is very risky. I know I am better about travel once the journey is started but can be very anxious just before partly as I have relatives who always predict bad things and lots of really bad journeys to recall but once we start I have focus on what's actually going on.

I agree other others, that perhaps pick a holiday in the UK. In fact, there was a similar thread on here only a few days ago about a 12 year old girl who had a terrible fear of going on cruises, and the consensus was - don't force her, don't go on the cruise. Allow her to stay with friends. Or, take the cruises when she is older so she can stay home, stay with someone else.

What you are describing by her reactions is a true genuine fear. A truly stressful thing, and it is devastating to see your child like that. If I were her, and I can see it will end like this, I would probably put on such a turn - screaming, hurling things, I'd be uncontrollable so I would not be allowed on, and well, I'd get my way. It is far easier for you to cancel the tickets and get a refund now, than right as the plane is about to take off you are allowed barred entry. Better you save the money now. She is not a bad girl, she is not throwing a tantrum. She is not deliberately trying to destroy your/siblings holiday. She is absolutely genuinely PETRIFIED. Would you force a child to go on a scary ride, even when they're screaming and crying and trembling in fear? This is the same thing. I am sorry, it is not what you want to hear. But your daughter is genuinely paralysed by her fear and is extremely distressed. I just don't think it is fair to be a child through that trauma. I've known a fear like that, and you need to get over it at your own pace, you cannot be forced. Valium, videos, etc. Won't help. She has to want it. Please, just cancel the tickets. Otherwise you will lose the money anyway, and the trauma in her face and body will just break your heart anyway.

Are you able to change the flights so that you stay home with her for a week and someone else flies back early to be with her?

Jesus, all the wankers on here suggesting you drug her into compliance. Ffs!

She can't go and the drugging doesn't sit right with me. One of you will have to stay home with her. You shouldn't have booked her on the flight.

@TopBitchoftheWitches

that's good that it worked out but we're not talking about a child flying for the first time. We're talking about a child who was coerced into flying already and had a horrible experience.

Even if it is a family visit, that is not a reason to override the child's fears to the point that she's drugged to get on. It isn't a choice she can make really. I had a good track record of taking Valium (that sounds funny, lol) before getting on a plane with it in my system as well.

you could have sorted this out before get her hypnotherpay or a course-not wait till 3 days before and wonder how youre going to force your child onto a plane

ffs

Reading through this thread with an increasing sense of horror.

What on earth possessed you to put your daughter through this ordeal?

And WTF with the advice of drugging or sedating her? seriously people?

The damage has been done here. If she stays home with someone she will terrible for breaking up the holiday, if you force her to go then you are going to create whole hot of mental health issues and possibly jepordise the flight and holiday for 100's of people if the plane can't take of if she has a full blown breakdown.

I can't actually believe what I have just typed. This is bonkers.

MN is the weirdest place! You’re judged like fuck if you give your kids chicken nuggets because that means you’re lazy and selfish but apparently doping your terrified child with a prescription narcotic is perfectly acceptable if you want to fly off on holiday???

You are debating “forcing” a child to go on a plane (what does that look like exactly? ) or drugging her. Because you “will go nuts if you míss out”. What’s wrong with you?

I’m very much a “Don’t be silly, get on with it style parent, but that I s awful. Get the poor kid some proper therapy so that you can take her next year, hopefully. Let DH take the other DCs and show DD some compassion.

I think you shouldn’t force her. Someone should stay behind with her and the rest of the family go.

Having any phobia is horrid, luckily for your dd flying is something that can be avoided. She will hate you for making her fly when she doesn’t really need too (you just want her too).

Even if you do manage to get her on the plane what happens when you need to get her on it again to come home? She could be even more anxious and be unable to fly.

Poor girl must be petrified

Yep, here's the link re cruise girl (she's 13, not 12 though, sorry). As I said, consensus was it was cruel to traumatise her like that. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3324381-make-dd-go-on-a-cruise-with-us?pg=1&messages=100