DD refusing to fly..we're going away on Sat!

[user1483390742]

My 12 year old hates flying and has said she will not get onto a plane on Sat for a 4 hour flight.
Previous flights have not always been good- she has been terrified a couple of times with turbulance ( it was quite scary) and has spent many flights vomiting with fear. She will not be reassured by me or DH, cabin crew or even the pilot.
It is genuine fear she feels- pale, clammy hands and uncontrollable crying.
She has now said there is no way she is getting on the flight in 3 days time. Our family are overseas and there is no-one for her to stay with for 2 weeks.
Up until this point we have always got her onto the flight, but this time it is a whole new level of refusal and fear. Almost phobic, i would say.
I honestly don't know what to do. Her siblings will go nuts if we cancel, and i will go nuts if i have to miss out!
WWYD? Any advice greatly appreciated!

The poor girl. Please don’t force her onto the plane; she’s not being extradited for God’s sake. You’ve presumably had time since your last flight to sort something out, but you haven’t. If one of you can’t or won’t stay behind with her, could she stay with a friend or relative this time?

You have all given me lots of food for thought. I hate being described as cruel- i'm just a normal mum. DH and i will sit down with her tonight and discuss options. I have decided that i will stay home with her, if that is what she wants and DH will take the others away.
I don't always get this mum thing right, but i am willing to learn!

Fear of flying is a genuine phobia, I know a few adults who refuse to fly.
Personally I wouldn't force her, but I would get an emergency appt. with your daughter to the doctor. He/she could (hopefully) decide what's best.
Other people have suggested alternatives.
As someone mentioned on page 1 Piriton could calm her, maybe try one before the weekend, see how she responds.

Just to add I'm now having cbt to try and overcome my fear of flying! Please don't make her.

Say the family are in Greece or Turkey - you could make an adventure of interrailing there via a couple of stop overs in European cities. If you've got 2 weeks you get one week/ 8 days with extended family and spend 3 days travelling each way. It could be really special! I've done ling European train journeys with a 12 year old and it was much pleasanter than flying - you can book compartments on intercontinental trains, and see a bit more of Europe. Wouldn't recommend it if you also have preschoolers, but with kids old enough to read, walk to the toilet/ restaurant car in pairs or alone, watch a downloaded film on their phone with headphones, look out the window, plan what to do on stop overs, it's a lovely way to travel.

What the actual fuck is wrong with you, OP?

Somebody needs to stay at home with her and critically reassure her that the situation is not her fault. How you deal with this could have major repercussions for her mental health and your relationship.

Is there no way to reach your destination via land or sea?

Just seen your update, thank goodness OP!

Don't force her ffs!

Find another solution

Some airlines like easy jet have courses for people who have a phobia of flying. They have amazing success rates of helping people get over their fears.

Too bad this was not tackled months ago...but surely there are some anxiety pills the doctor can give her. Propranolol is amazing at stopping the physical effects of the flight or fight response, so she wouldn't be feeling the fast beating of her heart etc

4 hrs will take you to the Canary Islands....really plane is only practical way to get there if that's your destination. I'd ask for Valium for her but not sure if GP will prescribe (a pragmatic one might). Good luck. I hate flying too.

Approved Indications for diazepam in children:

Children:

i) Night terrors and somnambulism;

ii) Premedication;

iii) In the control of muscle spasms as in tetanus; and

iv) In selected cases, it may be useful in controlling tension and irritability in cerebral spasticity.

The use of diazepam to treat short-term anxiety is inappropriate and unsuitable. Diazepam should be used to treat insomnia only when it is severe, disabling or subjecting the individual to extreme stress.

You really only have two choices - try to get some prescription sedative, or someone will have to stay behind with her.

To attempt to coerce a genuinely phobic child onto a 4 hour flight is cruel, and likely to backfire if she has a melt-down in the airport, on the plane before take-off, on the plane during the flight or any of that coming home again if you actually get to your destination. If she panics spectacularly before the plane has left the ground you may well be asked to leave the plane by cabin staff.

Good update user14833andmorenumbers

Probably best this time, then think long term about courses/ therapy/ travelling in other ways to see family without flying.

Haven’t rtft, so apologies if I’m duplicating.

What you need is Phenargan. It’s a travel sickness remedy that makes you drowsy. Go to a Chemist's and ask them about it.

I wouldnt take her. Show her you are listening to her. She is terrified and this flight is non essential.

Work on her fear of flying, without the pressure of an imminent flight. There are loads of holidays you can go on by train or boat, and if family want to see her, then can come to you

I know youre disappointed, but this isnt her fault. She has flown for you to her great expense many times before

Where are you flying to? I'm not sure from op if it's a holiday or if you are visiting family? Have you explored other ways to travel?

I would not be drugging or forcing a 12 year old into a plane - if she has a fear of flying it needs to be addressed (and should have been before now!) her anxiety must be through the roof!

I'm so pleased to see your update. I really hope you mean it and aren't just trying to placate the outraged posters.

nothing like leaving it to the last minute huh? Oh three days to go what will we doooooo? Also loving the faux horror from you about medicating her when you have been planning all along to basically force her on the plane against her will

I know you have a plan now, but surely the better option would have been to address this after the last flight, get her some sort of treatment, cbt, or hypnosis, work on her fears, maybe a short domestic flight

Nowt so queer as folk really is there?

what happens when you need to get her on it again to come home?

That would be my concern TBH - if you did get her on could you get her back.

I'd still suggest GP - they will have a better idea of what is or isn't acceptable/possible and downsides to any drug wise options or how to proceed past this holiday and perhaps get OP up to speed with phobias and anxieties and how to mange.

Oh thank goodness you're not going to force her!! That would be HORRIFIC!!

I don't have a phobia about flying but I have other phobias - totally irrational - and I know they're irrational - but they generate a response of total and utter terror in my body. Awful.

So - even though rationally making her get on a plane isn't in itself an awful thing to do - her body will respond as if it is - so the impact is exactly the same as if you were doing something that objectively was awful.

So I think that you have to realise (sounds like you have!) that it would be awful thing to do.

And longer term try different treatments to see if you can resolve it.

We all have to do things that terrify us at some point in our lives. I am extremely claustrophobic and have endured 5 MRI’s over the years - with the help of a mild sedative. One the MRI's sedative didn’t work and I had a panic attack, it was sheer hell. I felt the sides all around me and couldn’t move. I thought I was choking and couldn’t lift my head to cough. I could hear my heart beating so hard I thought I was on the verge of having a heart attack - but I didn’t move.

Tell her she has to do what she has to to do and get her mind around it. There are going to be lots of things in her life that scare the shit out of her and she has to learn to cope.

You cannot give in to genuine phobias.

Awful behaviour. Why wouldn’t you try and get her some help rather than force her to do something that terrifies her yearly??

Cruel and downright self-centred selfish behaviour.

OP good decision but be prepared for her to not react as favourably to your decision as you might expect.

Knowing how my child reacts to such situations if she thinks she's 'ruined' it for others -
I'd be prepared for her to be very upset about the decision too. Not what you might expect if you've made the sacrifice to miss the holiday.

Removing the pressure of going could give her back the control she needs to give it a go... though this is probably unlikely given her level of fear.

Drugging a child and forcing them isn't ok. Asking a GP for some help with a willing child is quite another and a potential and reasonable option if she is open to it.

Good luck OP

It's good that you have decided to stay if she doesn't want to fly. You've explained that she has had this fear for a while and had bad experiences on previous flights so I honestly, as a mother, can't understand why you would continue to book holidays that require flights knowing how much it scares her! I think from now on, you should holiday in the uk until she is old enough to stay home while you go abroad. Forcing her into flights, to me, seems rather cruel.

Poor child.

If you drag her on to the plane screaming and crying, assuming the flight crew don't turf you all off she will spend the whole visit dreading the return flight.

Given that she has "spent many flights vomiting with fear" it's quite astounding that you have waited until this late stage before addressing the issue.

Go see the GP as soon as possible, reassure her that you won't drag her on, and see what can be done. Your relationship with her will be permanently damaged if you insist on her doing what YOU want despite HER being terrified. She needs to know you're acknowledging her fear and helping her to deal with it. If she feels she has a choice she may feel stronger about boarding the flight.

If she understands what turbulence actually is, it may help her feel better - there are many articles online like this one: www.askthepilot.com/questionanswers/turbulence/

glad to see your update OP

however I would go further and say that if she doesn't feel up to flying after going on any courses or whatever, let that be her choice.

I finally absolutely refused to go abroad with my family when I was 16, I wish I had the courage before, or that they had the consideration.

the "cruise" thread is an eye opener as well. You won't have much of a relationship with a her as an adult if you don't respect her feelings in something as "non essential" as a fricking holiday.