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Original poster

DD refusing to fly..we're going away on Sat!

205 replies

user1483390742 · 08/08/2018 15:58

My 12 year old hates flying and has said she will not get onto a plane on Sat for a 4 hour flight.
Previous flights have not always been good- she has been terrified a couple of times with turbulance ( it was quite scary) and has spent many flights vomiting with fear. She will not be reassured by me or DH, cabin crew or even the pilot.
It is genuine fear she feels- pale, clammy hands and uncontrollable crying.
She has now said there is no way she is getting on the flight in 3 days time. Our family are overseas and there is no-one for her to stay with for 2 weeks.
Up until this point we have always got her onto the flight, but this time it is a whole new level of refusal and fear. Almost phobic, i would say.
I honestly don't know what to do. Her siblings will go nuts if we cancel, and i will go nuts if i have to miss out!
WWYD? Any advice greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
KathfromSalesandMarketing · 08/08/2018 16:28

Are you for real, OP?

frenchfancy · 08/08/2018 16:28

TBF it is only impacting her life because her family keep taking the plane on holiday. If they stayed in the UK or took a boat it would not be impacting her life.

Poor kid

HoleyCoMoley · 08/08/2018 16:28

I'd go to the doctor, can she take an alternative route, train or boat. Why book a flight for someone so obviously terrified. Like a pp said she won't be allowed on the flight if she is hysterical, it's not safe for her or the other passengers and staff.

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LtGreggs · 08/08/2018 16:30

I didn't mean "crash" as in plane crash - sorry!

Hopeandeggs · 08/08/2018 16:30

I'm with LEM a bit. My family continued to book holidays which involved flying even though I was utterly terrified and I do resent them a bit for it.
I used to be panicky for months and on the plane and then it would ruin my holiday as mid week I would start to panic about coming home again.

If you knew she was this scared already could you not have sought help for her earlier?

I have to fly with valium and I hate it. :(

cheeseoverchocolate · 08/08/2018 16:31

Don't force on the plane and don't drug her... Seriously.

hendricksy · 08/08/2018 16:31

I think you do need to drug her , she will upset others and they may not let you all on .

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2018 16:32

Not sure I would make DD do something that had her vomiting in fear for anything other than life-threatening reasons (vaccinations for example).

I used to be very scared of flying. The idea of being forced onto a plane against my will is horrible. Are the family close enough to train/ferry etc?

SillySallySingsSongs · 08/08/2018 16:34

Plus if you have a preteen who has completely lost it before take off won’t the air stewardess’ and stewards ask you all to get off anyway?

Quite possibly.

I find it hard to understand why you booked to fly if she is so terrified. Shes under a great deal of pressure.

I agree

IHaveBrilloHair · 08/08/2018 16:35

Piriton, or a tiny dose of codeine (bought oct as a strong painkiller)

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/08/2018 16:36

I find it hard to understand why you booked to fly if she is so terrified. Shes under a great deal of pressure

Agree. Your DD sounds utterly terrified. She's reacted like this before so nothing new so I'm surprised you're trying to force her to do something she's so acutely scared of.

Plumsofwrath · 08/08/2018 16:36

Interesting. There was a thread a few days ago about a poster whose husband was massively delayed by two women having anxiety attack’s before take-off and demanding to be let off the plane. He ended up having to take the following day off work, having not got home until the early hours. The consensus was that the women shouldn’t have got on the plane knowing they struggle with flying, and equal portions of assertions that mental health problems are serious and should be catered for by fellow passengers.

In your shoes, personally I think you’ve messed up. You knew she had an issue flying, why on earth did you book the flight? This was foreseeable. She’s young enough to have this treated, and she should of you want her to be able to travel later in life.

I’m afraid part of being a parent is paying the price for you kids’ mistakes (even though in his case I think it was yours). One of you needs to stay home with her and suck it up. And get her treatment/help ASAP so it’s only one year you miss out on. It’s not her fault, don’t make her feel guilty. But work on her.

HoleyCoMoley · 08/08/2018 16:37

Poor girl, if she were a consenting adult maybe a valium would help but she's just a petrified kid, even if you did get her there what about the flight back. She shouldn't be forced onto a plane or forced to take medication, what sort of holiday will she have if she's all worked up before it's even started, maybe she would benefit from talking to a doctor about her fears but maybe she might just choose never to fly as an adult.

SillySallySingsSongs · 08/08/2018 16:37

Piriton, or a tiny dose of codeine (bought oct as a strong painkiller)

Very much doubt that would be enough for someone who is so scared they vomit continually throughout flights.

Boredboredboredboredbored · 08/08/2018 16:38

Having not been on a plane in 9 years I flew earlier on this year with the help of Valium. I do think it's unfair to force her on a plane when she's so scared but would she be willing to try a sedative? Otherwise you have no other choice.

YeTalkShiteHen · 08/08/2018 16:40

I have to agree with the poster who queried why you booked a 4 hour flight when you know full well it distresses your child.

Hoppinggreen · 08/08/2018 16:41

If she vomits with fear why the hell are you flying with her?
She’s not a small child, she has a genuine phobia
YOu should cancel until you’ve addressed it. I appreciate it’s rubbish missing out for the rest of younbut if she can’t fly she can’t

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/08/2018 16:41

Shocked at all the posters saying drug her. Poor girl. She will spend the whole time away worrying about flying home!

KarlDilkington · 08/08/2018 16:42

Poor kid. Adults online debating how best to drug her just so she doesn't let everyone in her family down. Doesn't sit right with me.

SoyDora · 08/08/2018 16:43

I’m very surprised you booked this knowing joe terrified she is of flying, at least without doing something to address the fear before now. I think if either of mine were ever so distressed on a flight that they were pale, clammy, shaking and vomiting I’d either not fly or find a way to address her fears.
If you force her on the flight and she’s hysterical the flight attendants will not let you fly (for good reason).

cantstandup · 08/08/2018 16:43

It's not going to help you for this week - but Virgin run a fear of flying course. Check out the Modern Mann podcast - they had a lady on a few weeks back talking about her fear - she now works for Virgin on their course as they said she was by far the worst case of fear they had ever seen and she is now fine with it

SomeKnobend · 08/08/2018 16:43

Is there anyone she can stay with while you go away?

SillySallySingsSongs · 08/08/2018 16:44

Adults online debating how best to drug her just so she doesn't let everyone in her family down. Doesn't sit right with me.

Nor me.

blueskiesandforests · 08/08/2018 16:45

Don't force her on terrified - you won't be allowed on board or will be asked to leave if she's fighting you and screaming/ vomitting!

Would a GP proscribe valium if they knew it was for a 12 year old in a non emergency situation? Maybe but I doubt it!

I do think that you could try placebo over the counter meds or travel sickness meds with a drowsy effect and also hypnotherapy is worth a shot, though personally I'd be sceptical.

One adult has to be prepared to go alone with the other kids and one stay with her though. It would be different if she was being dramatic and hamming it up, but as you say her terror is genuine forcing her into the flight will backfire one way or another, probably in more than one way with you all off loaded before take off and her fear even more deeply entrenched and her trust in you gone.

LighthouseSouth · 08/08/2018 16:45

tbh no wonder she's terrified - you hassled her into it and what she feared would happen DID happen - she was throwing up!

I don't know that putting unfamiliar drugs into a child is a great idea either. Especially those travel sickness things which can make you feel even worse.

I would try to talk her through fears but if it doesn't work I think you need to cut your losses and think a bit more of her feelings next time.