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Baby's dad wants to keep our child a secret so he doesn't loose his girlfriend and child what would you do?

164 replies

AwarkwardPosition · 11/04/2018 10:39

Right this is long but here goes...
Earlier this year I met a guy, we got on really well saw each other a lot. Until it sort of fizzled out a few months later.
I then found out I was pregnant the first and only person I told was this guy. His reaction at first was..The last thing I wanted was another child I’d like you to abort, but also said if I kept the baby he would let want contact. I decided to keep the baby and informed him on my decision about two weeks later. He said he had a change of heart and it was shock talking. Of course he wanted to see his child and be apart of their life. He said he didn’t want to be with me but would have as much contact and involvement as possible.We had been talking trying to make plans for the baby’s arrival when I ask has he told anyone that he is having another baby. His response hit me like a tonne of bricks.
He said no he hasn’t told anyone and never will, he is back with his daughters mum and if she ever found out about me and our baby together , he would loose his daughter and girlfriend forever.
I was shocked and upset but I didn’t want to push him out of our unborn child’s life so I said I understood and left it as that.
I now have had the time to think about it and it doesn’t sit well with me.
I’m not a home wrecker and I briefly know that his daughters mum uses her as a weapon but I don’t think I can sit back and let our child together be some big secret and not have any relationship with he/she’s half sister and other family members. He wants to be on the birth certificate and for baby to have his name which I’m 100% happy with so it’s not as if he is denying the child legally. I’m just so lost on what to do. Do I keep quiet or tell his girlfriend?

OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 07/06/2021 13:31

@SofiaMichelle

Always amazes me that so many people think they are so bloody marvellous at giving advice that they don't need to read more than the first post. Regardless of the fact it's a years-old thread...
😂😂😂 true
SilverGoblin · 07/06/2021 13:33

@AwarkwardPosition

drspouse

That what I mean I want my child to know their half sister and have a relationship with other family members too.

Sorry but while any relationship with the half sister and the father's other family members might be a nice idea, it is absolutely not your decision.

You have no right to force your child into the half sister's life nor the lives of his family members. That is up to the father, his partner and his own family, not you.

You get to decide who has access for your own friends and family only. Having a child with this man only allows you to have some expectations of him, not everyone he already had a relationship with prior.

That's overreaching on your part.

I wouldn't try and push it or you're going to come off looking bad. You don't want to have people view you as the batshit pushy ex and have everyone close ranks around him in support.

The bloke may be an utter shit, or not, there's not a lot of detail on that front, but it doesn't mean you get to interfere with his life away from you because you have a baby with his DNA contribution.

This may all suck for you but that's what you have chosen when you decided to carry on a pregnancy with someone who is not your partner but someone else's. So, sorry, but you now have to live with the difficult consequences of that choice. This is the truth you must surely have known as it's not exactly a secret that men get to pay (sometimes, if you're lucky) to walk away. It's obviously shitty to deal with for you but it's not unusual. As unfair as it seems, mothers end up in this position all the time and everyone knows about it, especially if they are an affair partner, rebound girlfriend or something similar. It's always inadvisable to have a baby with someone who has so much baggage and does not want to be with you. As you don't appear to see termination as an option, you are basically screwed but cannot say you didn't see it coming.

Good luck. You're going to need it.

pennylane83 · 07/06/2021 13:33

You say that all you want is for your child to have a relationship with their father but how do you see that happening if he refuses to acknowledge to anyone that your child exists. He isnt going to be taking your child out for day trips or overnights at the weekend and school holidays or does he plan on passing the child off as a friends kid. How do you think your child is going to feel at being kept a secret because sooner or later they will start to ask questions or are you hoping that once he sees your child everything will just fall into place. I'm sorry to say but I think your setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.

SoupDragon · 07/06/2021 13:38

This is from 2018!

FFS.

SilverGoblin · 07/06/2021 13:52

Yes, more or less everyone has been caught out by a zombie thread now and again when it appears in "trending".

Is there really a need to take the fucking piss in pointing it out with shouting emphasis and exclamation marks.

Make people feel good, does it?

SoupDragon · 07/06/2021 14:08

Oh get a grip.

Viviennemary · 07/06/2021 14:30

Folk pointing out a Zombie thread are doing everyone a favour. The idiots are the ones who keep resurrecting them.

Haffiana · 07/06/2021 17:05

@SilverGoblin

Yes, more or less everyone has been caught out by a zombie thread now and again when it appears in "trending".

Is there really a need to take the fucking piss in pointing it out with shouting emphasis and exclamation marks.

Make people feel good, does it?

It is taking the piss to reply to an OP without RTFT.
CrumpetsForAll · 07/06/2021 18:27

Wonder if OP will give us an update!

MustardRose · 07/06/2021 18:38

I know he is a good dad

I'm sorry my lovely, but he isn't. A good dad doesn't abandon one girlfriend and his dc, have a relationship with someone else, get them pregnant, then leave them and get back with the first gf, saying that he wants to keep the other gf's baby a secret.

C0nstance · 07/06/2021 19:22

Who cares if a thread is a zombie thread. It makes precious little difference. None of us know each other. This is the internet. Is anybody that emotionally invested that they feel their post was a waste of their precious minute if and only if it turns out to be a zombie thread. We're all wasting our time on Mumsnet. Zombie thread or not.

ScrollingLeaves · 07/06/2021 23:42

“COnstance”
“We're all wasting our time on Mumsnet. Zombie thread or not.”

Very amusing and true.

Rainbowsew · 08/06/2021 19:09

NO WAY should your baby gave his name! Why would you even do that?!?

He's not prepared to stand and say I have child with X he is not going to be a fixture in your lives without his gf knowing and you shouldn't be encouraging him to keep you both secret.

Give your child your name. Put him on birth certificate and claim maintenance from him, he should pay for the child regardless of anything else.

User1357 · 08/06/2021 19:27

I was born Into this situation.

Never really cared. I loved my mum and never even thought about telling his wife and other children.

I do think you are completely silly giving your child his surname though! I would have been quite upset if I didn’t have the surname of my mum and got his surname. It takes away your sense of belonging. Your child will belong to you, their name should reflect that. Do not segregate them from your family unit by giving them a at best part time dads name who’s family they are not involved with.

Your child will be fine and happy. What they will not be happy with us never k owing if they are going to see their half sibling because mum is using them as a weapon. Never knowing when they will see their dad as they are second best etc. I wouldn’t push this at all! Bring this baby up alone unless he willingly informs family of babies existence without you pushing.

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