Baby's dad wants to keep our child a secret so he doesn't loose his girlfriend and child what would you do?

[AwarkwardPosition]

Right this is long but here goes...
Earlier this year I met a guy, we got on really well saw each other a lot. Until it sort of fizzled out a few months later.
I then found out I was pregnant the first and only person I told was this guy. His reaction at first was..The last thing I wanted was another child I’d like you to abort, but also said if I kept the baby he would let want contact. I decided to keep the baby and informed him on my decision about two weeks later. He said he had a change of heart and it was shock talking. Of course he wanted to see his child and be apart of their life. He said he didn’t want to be with me but would have as much contact and involvement as possible.We had been talking trying to make plans for the baby’s arrival when I ask has he told anyone that he is having another baby. His response hit me like a tonne of bricks.
He said no he hasn’t told anyone and never will, he is back with his daughters mum and if she ever found out about me and our baby together , he would loose his daughter and girlfriend forever.
I was shocked and upset but I didn’t want to push him out of our unborn child’s life so I said I understood and left it as that.
I now have had the time to think about it and it doesn’t sit well with me.
I’m not a home wrecker and I briefly know that his daughters mum uses her as a weapon but I don’t think I can sit back and let our child together be some big secret and not have any relationship with he/she’s half sister and other family members. He wants to be on the birth certificate and for baby to have his name which I’m 100% happy with so it’s not as if he is denying the child legally. I’m just so lost on what to do. Do I keep quiet or tell his girlfriend?

drspouse

That what I mean I want my child to know their half sister and have a relationship with other family members too.

Please don’t put his name on the birth certificate and give your baby his name. You’re just storing up faff and trouble for yourself later. You and your child deserve better.

He's not a good dad, if he was he wouldn't be playing 2 women off against each other as it suits him and telling you to abort your baby or keep it secret. Plan your life without him, he would have to be present for you to name him on bc so whether he would be around might be debatable. It is not for you to tell his gf but you are not obliged to be his dirty secret either.

OP do you understand what we are saying about baby’s name and giving him PR?

Have you told your family yet?

Yes I understand what your all saying.
I haven't told anyone but him and want to keep it that way for a while longer.
I'm trying to process this all with hormones all over the place and grieving too (not a great mix)

Do not give your baby the name of someone whose first reaction to its existence was to demand you kill it.
Sorry.
I wouldnt put up with any of this.
Certainly i wouldnt be having his name on the birth cert.

As for 'having a relationship with his/her half sister' i wouldnt bother.
In fact i would think about moving to the other end of the country with my baby and not giving this turd my contact details.

He's a shit, but working hard to cover up the fact.

I know he is a good dad and even when he wasn't with his girlfriend he still saw his daughter and always pays for her

Why is it that so many women are falling over themselves to believe these men are “good fathers” despite all evidence to the contrary.

HE WANTS TO DENY THE EXISTENCE OF HIS CHILD

That’s all you need to know to make a judgement on whether he is a good father. He is not. Regardless of how much money he pays for it or his other child. Money does not make a good father. Just like money doesn’t make a good mother. Would you consider yourself a good mother if you did exactly the same for your child as he intends to do? I doubt it somehow.

I agree with you dullandold. It’s probably not a popular opinion but I’d want to raise my child alone without any of his shit affecting our lives.

Don't take responsibility for other people's actions. If he chooses not to see his own child that's on him. Don't be manipulated into becoming a dirty secret. Is that what you want for your child? How would your child feel to know he/she was a dirty secret because it will come out?

Tell him you won't keep the child a secret and you will file a CMS claim when the baby is born. You welcome all contact and hope he chooses to have a relationship with his child. The end. And then let go.

Under no circumstances would I give the child his name.

I echo not putting him on the birth certificate, he will be able to control you forever and you will forever have to ask for permission to do things with your child.
Keep the babies surname the same as yours, don't put him on the BC and expect nothing.
A baby is a blessing regardless if planned or not, not something to be kept a secret.

He's not really thought this through has he? Child has his name and he wants a relationship but for his girlfriend to never find out?

You can't put him on the birth certificate unless he goes with you I think - will he do that or will it risk exposure?

Do you even move in different enough circles for no-one to notice him visiting you and it get back to her?
It sounds like you know a fair bit about her (that she was with someone else, etc), so it doesn't sound like it.

There's no way I'd give my child his name.

Why are you going ahead with a pregnancy when you are not in a relationship, the father of the child is a complete git bag and you can forsee also ife time of hassle and grief with him? Why?

We all live in the same town there is a 10 year age gap between myself and the girlfriend so we don't know the same people. He however is well known in the area and has not tried to be discreet about visiting me at home before. I don't know much about her just what he has told me.

And you say you met him earlier this year but it fizzled out after a couple of months. It's only bloody April! There have only been 4 months in the year. You must hardly know him!

Crunchtime

Each to their own but I would never have an abortion under any circumstance. Why should I kill my child because their dad is a twat ?

This is probably too provocative to be good advice, but I'd really want to tell him

"I will not do anything to highlight that you are to become a father again, but neither will I lie to anyone who I think deserves to know the truth"

I would not ,in a million years give your dc his surname but I would,for the sake of the dc,put his name on the birth certificate.Obviously if he refused then there's nothing you can do.

Sorry you have had this to contend with when you are feeling so vulnerable.

Get the maintenance sorted out.

Unfortunately, very little is on your hands. The other woman, whatever her reaction to this man, may not ever wish to have contact with you or for her children to know your child, and there is nothing you can do about that.

He has put himself in a position where he can not actually do fully right by anyone in his life. And you are feeling the fall out from that.

The 'secret' isn't sustainable in the long run, as your child grows, and if (when) she finds out, she will be shocked, feel betrayed and hate him. His other children, likewise. What will happen at Christmas, birthdays? With his little lies to get away. HIding his phone in case your child contacts him...Whatever you tell your child, (and you will have to lie unless you say 'your Dad is with his other family') they will be second priority.

He is panicking about the situation he has got himself (and everyone else around him) into, and being unrealistic. I think you have to have a firm clear conversation with him, and if he really cannot tell his partner what is going on, you need to get your maintenance on place and create a big distance.

And as others say, don't use his surname. So many posters on MN regret this, when they have subsequent children, when they travel abroad with an absent Dad. Why should YOUR child , brought up by YOU, have the man's surname?

There will be no possibility of him keeping your baby a secret from his partner when he is paying maintenance to you for that baby. He's living in a dream world if he thinks so.

What's in it for your child here? How do you think this child will feel like, when they get old enough to understand that they are their dad's dirty little secret?

And OP, I am sorry that I have given such harsh advice - this must be such a difficult time for you - but I honestly think you need it.

Of course , much better to bring a child into the world in these circumstances

Crunch is just asking when you met, how long you have been together and how far along you are.

Because it sounds like you don't know this guy at all.

Don't give the child his name and don't put him on the birth certificate.

This ^