Baby's dad wants to keep our child a secret so he doesn't loose his girlfriend and child what would you do?

[AwarkwardPosition]

Right this is long but here goes...
Earlier this year I met a guy, we got on really well saw each other a lot. Until it sort of fizzled out a few months later.
I then found out I was pregnant the first and only person I told was this guy. His reaction at first was..The last thing I wanted was another child I’d like you to abort, but also said if I kept the baby he would let want contact. I decided to keep the baby and informed him on my decision about two weeks later. He said he had a change of heart and it was shock talking. Of course he wanted to see his child and be apart of their life. He said he didn’t want to be with me but would have as much contact and involvement as possible.We had been talking trying to make plans for the baby’s arrival when I ask has he told anyone that he is having another baby. His response hit me like a tonne of bricks.
He said no he hasn’t told anyone and never will, he is back with his daughters mum and if she ever found out about me and our baby together , he would loose his daughter and girlfriend forever.
I was shocked and upset but I didn’t want to push him out of our unborn child’s life so I said I understood and left it as that.
I now have had the time to think about it and it doesn’t sit well with me.
I’m not a home wrecker and I briefly know that his daughters mum uses her as a weapon but I don’t think I can sit back and let our child together be some big secret and not have any relationship with he/she’s half sister and other family members. He wants to be on the birth certificate and for baby to have his name which I’m 100% happy with so it’s not as if he is denying the child legally. I’m just so lost on what to do. Do I keep quiet or tell his girlfriend?

Remember some fathers can be a very good parent to 1 child and totally different to another.
I've seen this happen many times.

Give dc your name.

So since the thread is resurrected anyway, what happened @AwarkwardPosition ? Did this guy you barely know become father of the year?

@notacooldad

Someone else had resurrected it before that poster. The poster that re started the thread

Smtabg

I’m in the EXACT same situation right now. I would love to know how you’re doing now if you’re still on this site. I could use some insight

Oops. You're right. I misread the date on the one before that. The time was 21:something and I read the 21 as the year.

There is a thread in site stuff about those Zombie threads. I feel they are a complete waste of everyones time. And they need to be closed or at least a very prominent alert signal. They are becomimg ever more frequent.

There is a thread in site stuff about those Zombie threads. I feel they are a complete waste of everyones time
Maybe but to be fair there was a funny one the other year where an Op was asking for recommendations for a pram or something. Someone resurrected it and she recommended the pram she got ( to herself!)

I am echoing - do not put the name on the birth certificate. For one thing it is going to cause you difficulties travelling as a single woman if the baby / child has a different name from you! Also you need to have good relations with this man to have him on the birth certificate. In some countries you need to have the other parents permission to travel. I was asked in Holland whether I had the fathers permission to travel (or both parents consent). My children’s father is not on the certificate. I can tell you this makes a lot of difference. They have my name. He needs to earn the right to be a father. If this man evolves into the odious and neglectful parent he looks like from here you will profoundly regret that the person you move most in the world bears his name. Let him have the name of he ever earns it. Also discuss child support now. Be business like. He needs to pay up. Go through official channels if needs be.
Once you meet your baby, the notion that the father does not publicly acknowledge him is likely to feel profoundly different to you - you will recognise it for what it is - an insult.
In short: you are about to become a mother. Your child will be your priority. Do what’s best for you and the baby not for this man.

Oh!!! Zombie thread. Wonder what happened!

do not give the baby his name

Oops didnt realise it was a zombie.

ZOMBIE THREAD AGAIN. Ffs, every day at the moment.

For the love of god, do NOT under any circumstances give the child his name or put him on the birth certificate. Do not give him any power over you and your child.

How horrid to see some posters encouraging abortion where the woman has clearly stated she doesn't want to. Pro-choice I understand but that attitude is not pro-choice.

This is a Zombie thread.
Unfortunately it is in the ‘trending’ menu hence no one is noticing the date.

I read all the posts but didn’t pay attention to date.

To be fair it was bumped because someone was in the same position so any advice would be helpful to that poster.

another chiming in to say do not give the baby his name.

I lived with my x but we weren't married. I left because he was such an abusive selfish bastard but unfortunately the DC had his name. We were in a ''relationship'' and I still regret so deeply that I gave the DC his name.

Although, DC1 has decided to take my family name. I don't know if she'll go through with it, I'm careful not to weigh in because I really want it to be her decision but seems like she's going to go ahead with that name change.

I wonder what op decided to do 🤔

ZOMBIE THREAD

,ZOMBIE THREAD
Not anymore.
The original post might be old but this thread is alive and kicking now!😂

@AwarkwardPosition

No I don't want him to leave his girlfriend for me all I want is my child to have a relationship with their father. I know he is a good dad and even when he wasn't with his girlfriend he still saw his daughter and always pays for her. I don't know any of his family so can't contact them but if I do tell the girlfriend or I fact anyone that knows him It's a possibility he will say he doesn't want to see our child

You do know it’s very unlikely that he wasn’t with his girlfriend when you were seeing each other, and that’s why he has to keep your child a secret? He isn’t a good father to his daughter, and by wanting to keep your child a secret, it’s clear he’s not going to be a good father to her.

This cannot end well for you and your child. Don’t give the child his name, don’t put him on the birth certificate. Resign yourself that you will be doing this all on your own, and give your child the best life you can.

I have never understood why single parents choose to give the baby their fathers name.

Think about it seriously, if you want to go on holiday overseas, you need to get permission from someone who will probably only see the kid to take them to McDonalds every other weekend.

Although this is a "zombie" thread it was resurrected by @Smtabg who is in the same position so it's perfectly ok to be resurrected it is just that the person benefitting from the advice isn't the original OP.

For future reference @Smtabg it is generally better to start a new thread rather than reviving an old one - you can PM or @ tag the OPs of other related threads to alert them that you would welcome their insight if they are still active on mumsnet years later.

Personally my thoughts are that you need to put your child's wellbeing first. It would be very bad for your child to grow up as a "secret", as if their very existence is something shameful to their own father. I would tell him that you have no intention of doing that to an innocent child and will not cooperate with any underhand activities which are designed to keep your baby a secret if any aspect might give your child any kind of subliminal message of that kind.

You don't need to go out of your way to actively tell the gf though.

The man's obligation to provide financial support for the child is totally independent of whether or not he has contact. What contact there is, as and when the child is ready, cannot be some furtive and hidden thing - if he wouldn't walk down the street holding his daughter's hand then that isn't acceptable and the child would be better off with no contact at all.

He’s an arsehole, but I often wonder why women who have flings with random men, fall pregnant, decide to keep baby and then complain when the guy doesn’t want any involvement.

He told you to have an abortion, that’s where he stands. It was never going to be happy families, as clearly he’s only out for himself.

Yes he should have worn a condom, but most men assume the women will take care of it. (Obviously naive of them)

It’s just a totally mess really and you’re mad if you put him on the birth certificate and give the baby his last name!

Please listen to those who have advised not to put his name on the birth certificate whatever the outcome. It gives him legal powers he does not deserve and you will regret it later. Personally I would make him seeing your child dependent on him telling his family. It will do far more harm to your child to have him sneaking around and dropping in and out of his or her life. Of he's not prepared to do that then you are better off without him.

IT'S A BLOODY ZOMBIE!!!

RTFT! OR AT LEAST THE DATES ON OP'S POSTS.

Always amazes me that so many people think they are so bloody marvellous at giving advice that they don't need to read more than the first post. Regardless of the fact it's a years-old thread...