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Original poster

Baby's dad wants to keep our child a secret so he doesn't loose his girlfriend and child what would you do?

164 replies

AwarkwardPosition · 11/04/2018 10:39

Right this is long but here goes...
Earlier this year I met a guy, we got on really well saw each other a lot. Until it sort of fizzled out a few months later.
I then found out I was pregnant the first and only person I told was this guy. His reaction at first was..The last thing I wanted was another child I’d like you to abort, but also said if I kept the baby he would let want contact. I decided to keep the baby and informed him on my decision about two weeks later. He said he had a change of heart and it was shock talking. Of course he wanted to see his child and be apart of their life. He said he didn’t want to be with me but would have as much contact and involvement as possible.We had been talking trying to make plans for the baby’s arrival when I ask has he told anyone that he is having another baby. His response hit me like a tonne of bricks.
He said no he hasn’t told anyone and never will, he is back with his daughters mum and if she ever found out about me and our baby together , he would loose his daughter and girlfriend forever.
I was shocked and upset but I didn’t want to push him out of our unborn child’s life so I said I understood and left it as that.
I now have had the time to think about it and it doesn’t sit well with me.
I’m not a home wrecker and I briefly know that his daughters mum uses her as a weapon but I don’t think I can sit back and let our child together be some big secret and not have any relationship with he/she’s half sister and other family members. He wants to be on the birth certificate and for baby to have his name which I’m 100% happy with so it’s not as if he is denying the child legally. I’m just so lost on what to do. Do I keep quiet or tell his girlfriend?

OP posts:
AreWeDoingThisNow · 11/04/2018 11:56

I don't know much about her just what he has told me.

I wouldn't be assuming he's told you the truth.

Is it possible that the reason he would 'lose them forever' if she found out is that they weren't actually separated?

If he's 'well known' (I'm betting it's not for being a good upstanding citizen) he's got no chance of keeping your baby a secret.

My advice would be to make it clear to him that you'll be telling no lies and chasing child support then leave the door open for his to have contact if he wants. Do not let him draw you into his drama.

AreWeDoingThisNow · 11/04/2018 11:57

Bold fail on the first line.

Sleeplikeasloth · 11/04/2018 12:14

Unless it's a very common surname, you run the risk of your baby and his/her siblings working it out, when they are a bit older. Even if his daughter is older, they may have another baby, who may end up in school with your child. All it takes is for them to chat about their surname and it could come out. Presumably your child would know they are a secret, which is even worse. It could get very very messy.

Personally, I would give your child your name and only allow visits if it's out in the open. Your child is not a dirty secret.

sashh · 11/04/2018 12:24

Do not give your child his name, you may have other children or marry and want to change your name.

He needs to tell his gf. Imagine if in 20 years time you child brings his child home as they have started a relationship?

Or they end up in the same school and look identical.

How many other children does he have?

0ccamsRazor · 11/04/2018 12:24

Why do you want your child to have a different name to you?

Wise up Op, think forward.

AdaColeman · 11/04/2018 12:33

Don't put him on the birth certificate as this will give him rights to control your child's life and your own life of course.

Don't give the child his surname as it will cause you practical problems in the future, for instance if you are going abroad on holiday with your child.

But most importantly.....
Don't believe a word he says.

Sleeplikeasloth · 11/04/2018 12:39

How many other children does he have?

That the op knows about... shudder

WeAllHaveWings · 11/04/2018 12:44

Once your family/friends/workmates know you are pregnant and ask who the father is what will you say? Do people actually go around keeping secrets like this knowing it will all blow up one day? I would tell him, that while you will not go out of your way to tell his girlfriend/family if anyone asks you will tell them he is the father and it will get back to her sooner or later so he is probably best to come clean now. You will not make your child his dirty little secret.

The relationship he wants to have with his child is his decision and not based on who you tell about your pregnancy. It is ironic him telling you his gf uses their child as a weapon.

Tell him maintenance and visiting will be done officially so everyone knows what is expected of them. You barely know this man, so you don't know enough about him to know if you can trust him to have his child's best interests at heart.

Give the baby your name, you will be the primary care giver so it makes sense. You also don't know if he is going to stick around and be a proper dad. If he doesn't you wont be able to change it without his consent.

Get the romantic notion of your child happily playing and having a relationship with their big sister out of your head. This may or may not happen depending on the adults and the situation, and just now they don't sound like they mature enough to facilitate this.

snewsname · 11/04/2018 12:45

Don't put him on the birth certificate or use his surname. I wouldn't worry about the secrecy either. Don't make promises either way. Be non committal but say that you are not going to lie or cover up for him. I wouldn't actively tell his gf though. Leave that to him to sort out but I would be living my life completely openly. Just make sure he pays maintenance through the correct channels. Then more than likely it will all come out anyway sooner rather than later. If not I'd make sure it does but I'd not be obvious about it.

Original poster
AwarkwardPosition · 11/04/2018 13:06

Thank you for all those that have given me good advice. Your right I needed to hear this Thanks

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 11/04/2018 13:12

Don't you see that he is already using your unborn child as a weapon to control you?

You can forget the rubbish about him being a good Dad....he isn't!
But he is a clever lying manipulative cheat.

timeisnotaline · 11/04/2018 13:18

Imagine your child knowing that daddy won’t tell anyone about them. You can’t allow that to happen. Formal maintenance, no secret keeping, your name NOT his (why would you even consider this?!)

ladymelbourne1926 · 11/04/2018 17:54

Absolutely Do not give your child his name, or put him on the birth certificate.
His girlfriend is going to find out with maintenance and it's not right to deny your child a relationship with the wider family.
I'd make that clear to him.
Your child is not a secret to be kept.

Elffederico · 11/04/2018 21:26

The psychological damage to a child who is second best to another sibling and has to be kept a secret would be huge. I'd be thinking twice about going ahead with a pregnancy in these circumstances

Smtabg · 07/06/2021 08:39

I’m in the EXACT same situation right now. I would love to know how you’re doing now if you’re still on this site. I could use some insight.

PegasusReturns · 07/06/2021 09:07

I have a friend in a very similar position. Although ten years on.

The father has never acknowledged the child, never paid for the child and is seemingly unconcerned and uninterested that he has another DC.

It’s a horrible situation. I know my friends spent a number of years hoping he’d come round. He didn’t. She won’t chase him for maintenance because she’s too proud.

I’m sure it’ll all come out once the child is an adult.

PegasusReturns · 07/06/2021 09:07

Sorry just realised this is a zombie thread

pollylocketpickedapocket · 07/06/2021 09:18

@AwarkwardPosition

No I don't want him to leave his girlfriend for me all I want is my child to have a relationship with their father. I know he is a good dad and even when he wasn't with his girlfriend he still saw his daughter and always pays for her. I don't know any of his family so can't contact them but if I do tell the girlfriend or I fact anyone that knows him It's a possibility he will say he doesn't want to see our child
I’m sorry but no father is better than a shit father. At best your child will grow up knowing they’re second best and a secret with this guy involved.
PurpleRainDancer · 07/06/2021 09:23

@stitchglitched

Why would you give your baby the surname of a man who wants to keep them a dirty little secret? You would be crazy to do that frankly, he is likely to either disappear or be a very infrequent presence in his or her life.
This

Don't even consider giving the baby his name.

GettingItOutThere · 07/06/2021 09:25

@RoseAndRose

You can only put him on the birth certificate if he goes with you to the registry office, and in your shoes I would not invite him along.

He can be added later, if that is what is in your DC's best interests (a good father should have PR, but one who wants to keep you secret, not so sure - so go for the 'future options open' choice rather than decisively giving PR right now).

And I would rethink giving DC a different surname to you. Historically, DC had their mother's surname (which was the same as the father's if the mothers were married) and you may well find it significantly more convenient to share a name. Again, this can be changed later if all holders of PR think it is the Dc's interests to do so.

this with bells on

if he makes an effort, proves his worth then add him later. You would be stupid to give him a surname etc in this situation

you would regret that, trust me

RealhousewifeofStoke · 07/06/2021 09:27

Zombie thread.

Chloemol · 07/06/2021 09:54

So to be brutal you are happy to put his name on the birth certificate for a child he wants to be kept secret from the rest of his family, and are 100% ok with that!

Unbelievable. How is your child going to feel when he/she realises that they are sone dirty little secret to be kept from the fathers family, I can’t believe you find that acceptable

He is the father, he steps up and acknowledges that to all his family, or gets out of the child’s life, not being prepared to acknowledge the child openly is just not on

You also need to ensure as soon as they are born that his name is not on the certificate, it can be added later if required and cms are involved so he pays for his child

Please do not allow your child to be brought up as a secret

gamerchick · 07/06/2021 09:57

Ah man, who dug this up? The kids been well born and growing up now.

VettiyaIruken · 07/06/2021 09:58

Don't give the baby his surname. You really need to have the same surname as your child, it makes things much easier for you.

Don't rely on his goodwill. You need to go through CMS from day 1.

VettiyaIruken · 07/06/2021 10:01

Oh ffs. I got zombied Blush

Mnhq should consider perhaps adding an automatic changing of the background colour of threads over 6 months old. White for current, light grey or something if they're a zombie.

For those of us who are clearly too thick to check dates Blush

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