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Original poster

Baby's dad wants to keep our child a secret so he doesn't loose his girlfriend and child what would you do?

164 replies

AwarkwardPosition · 11/04/2018 10:39

Right this is long but here goes...
Earlier this year I met a guy, we got on really well saw each other a lot. Until it sort of fizzled out a few months later.
I then found out I was pregnant the first and only person I told was this guy. His reaction at first was..The last thing I wanted was another child I’d like you to abort, but also said if I kept the baby he would let want contact. I decided to keep the baby and informed him on my decision about two weeks later. He said he had a change of heart and it was shock talking. Of course he wanted to see his child and be apart of their life. He said he didn’t want to be with me but would have as much contact and involvement as possible.We had been talking trying to make plans for the baby’s arrival when I ask has he told anyone that he is having another baby. His response hit me like a tonne of bricks.
He said no he hasn’t told anyone and never will, he is back with his daughters mum and if she ever found out about me and our baby together , he would loose his daughter and girlfriend forever.
I was shocked and upset but I didn’t want to push him out of our unborn child’s life so I said I understood and left it as that.
I now have had the time to think about it and it doesn’t sit well with me.
I’m not a home wrecker and I briefly know that his daughters mum uses her as a weapon but I don’t think I can sit back and let our child together be some big secret and not have any relationship with he/she’s half sister and other family members. He wants to be on the birth certificate and for baby to have his name which I’m 100% happy with so it’s not as if he is denying the child legally. I’m just so lost on what to do. Do I keep quiet or tell his girlfriend?

OP posts:
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 07/06/2021 11:14

Put yourself and the baby first and plan your future as if he's not in the picture. Your name, go via the CSA and do not make yourself complicit in his lies. Your baby is not some dirty secret to hide away.

This. It's important.

Branleuse · 07/06/2021 11:16

if you give this kid his name, and put him on the birth certificate then youre an absolute mug.

Id honestly tell him to fuck off. Block him and go no contact.
If he wants to get in touch with the kid later or the kid wants to get to know him when its older, then you can arrange that then for the childs benefit, not for his.
Please please dont be an idiot and agree to his outrageous demand. The child is yours. Give it your surname. Otherwise it can have all sorts of issues later down the line for going on holidays etc as you will potentially asked for the fathers permission

notacooldad · 07/06/2021 11:19

I do read all the OPs in threads before commenting
If people only read the Op's thread they would see she last posted in April 2018.
If that isn't a clue to a zombie thread 🤷‍♀️

Lachimolala · 07/06/2021 11:20

He’s denying your baby’s existence, yet you’re happy to give the baby his name and put him on the birth certificate giving him loads of legal rights?

Why an earth would you do that? Please don’t that would be monumentally stupid.

ScrollingLeaves · 07/06/2021 11:20

OP he is not going to be having this baby you are yet he is the one deciding what involvement he will and won’t have - all on his terms.

Please think carefully about putting him on the birth certificate. You do not have to do this and in my opinion you should not. No.

You can let him see the baby regularly etc without putting him on the birth certificate. If you want. But this way everything about the baby remains YOUR decision. He would still owe maintenance.

He is not going to even be on hand to help properly when the baby is born because of it being a secret and because he has the other family he lives with.

Do you have family near by? If not, you might want to move near them if they could help you.

If you put him on the certificate he can do things like turn up and take the child off, get the child out of school on his whim, decide this and decide that. Stop you from moving too.

If he wanted to he could later apply to a court to be put on the certificate, but then he couldn’t get away with demanding to the court that he should be both ‘in’ and ‘out’ of the child’s life in the way he is demanding now, and presumably his other family would inevitably know what is going on.

Do you really want your child to grow up feeling they are their father’s ‘secret’?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/06/2021 11:23

Put yourself and the baby first and plan your future as if he's not in the picture. Your name, go via the CSA and do not make yourself complicit in his lies. Your baby is not some dirty secret to hide away.

This ^^^^^^^^^^

Your baby and yourself are the only ones you should be considering. Forget what he wants - he will change his demands with every breath of wind.

YOUR baby.

YOUR name.

YOUR CSA application for maintenance.

Franklin12 · 07/06/2021 11:26

Why oh why do woemn put themselves in these positions. You dont know any of his family, and now you seem daft enough to give into these requests.

I know there are men who go around having babies with random women who seemingly 'fall' pregnant but come on WOMEN are letting these men do this. You are better than this.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/06/2021 11:26

Oh - bollox!

Another zombie.

(I wonder what she did in the end)

Viviennemary · 07/06/2021 11:27

He is calling the shots. Dont put him on the birth certificate. If you can manage without maintenance dont apply. That's what Id do. If I was struggling financially then of course I would apply, It can't all be on his terms. All this pie in the sky about happy families and sister relationships. It rarely works in the circumstances you have described.

AdaColeman · 07/06/2021 11:29

Thread from 2018
##############

NotSure94 · 07/06/2021 11:29

It's ludicrous to think he can keep a child secret - for how long - the whole of her life?? He's mad. So he or she has a dad, who comes over and sees them now and then... but he or she's never going to be allowed to go to his house, or know anything but lies about his life, and you're complicit? I don't think a child is going to be happy about that later in life. It's a child, a human being, not a impulse purchase to be embarrassed about.

I hate to say it but he says his daughter's mum "uses her as a weapon, that's most likely bullshit and when it all comes out (which it will) he'll be saying exactly the same about you. Nothing will be the fault of this man.

In your position I would probably tell the other woman purely because I think she has a right to know if my partner had fathered another child so she can decide what's best for her and her daughter.

00100001 · 07/06/2021 11:31

@AwarkwardPosition

Thank you for all those that have given me good advice. Your right I needed to hear this Thanks
you already know he isn't a good Dad, or a good partner. Not will he magically turn into one.

Try and forge a good life for you and your child. Forget him and forcing any relationships. Let him come to you for contact etc (I'll bet he won't be bending over backwards for access/visits etc!)

ScrollingLeaves · 07/06/2021 11:31

“KarmaStar
I would,for the sake of the dc,put his name on the birth certificate.”

It would not help the child to put them on the birth certificate. The child can know who their father is without that.

It could on the other hand cause endless problems for OP and child to put him on the certificate.

Lachimolala · 07/06/2021 11:32

If people only read the Op's thread they would see she last posted in April 2018
If that isn't a clue to a zombie thread

Whoops! I can’t say I ever look at the dates, more just focus on what’s been written. Easily done, hope OP had a decent outcome in the end.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 07/06/2021 11:34

@crunchtime

Why are you going ahead with a pregnancy when you are not in a relationship, the father of the child is a complete git bag and you can forsee also ife time of hassle and grief with him? Why?
I think people who push abortion are every bit as awful as those who push continuing with a pregnancy because of their beliefs.

Pro-choice is just that - supporting the woman's right to choose to carry on with a pregnancy or her right to terminate the pregnancy.

Op - I think the advice you have been given re the name and the birth cert is good advice. Both give you options down the road. Giving the child his name and putting him on the birthcert immediately reduces your options.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 07/06/2021 11:37

@notacooldad

Mnhq should consider perhaps adding an automatic changing of the background colour of threads over 6 months old. White for current, light grey or something if they're a zombie. There is an alert on zombie threads. A poster recognised that and was asking the op how she is getting on because she is in the same position now.
Someone else had resurrected it before that poster.
OchonAgusOchonOh · 07/06/2021 11:37

@Lachimolala

If people only read the Op's thread they would see she last posted in April 2018 If that isn't a clue to a zombie thread

Whoops! I can’t say I ever look at the dates, more just focus on what’s been written. Easily done, hope OP had a decent outcome in the end.

Me neither. Oops too. I came across it in Active.
ScrollingLeaves · 07/06/2021 11:38

So sorry. ZOMBIE thread.

RedMarauder · 07/06/2021 11:42

ZOMBIE

The "baby" mentioned on this thread is now a toddler and would be 2 years old.

Polkadots2021 · 07/06/2021 11:48

Omg don't give the baby his name!! You will regret that. Also don't believe the rubbish about his girlfriend using his child as a weapon - he's already outed himself as a monumental liar & cheat yet he's still willing to badmouth her! I think you need to apply for child support from him. What an awful guy.

Polkadots2021 · 07/06/2021 11:48

Oops just saw it was zombie too

katy1213 · 07/06/2021 11:49

Poor child. It deserved a better start in life than two feckless parents.

amusedbush · 07/06/2021 11:50

Every other thread is a zombie at the moment! This is so frustrating, I've wasted tonnes of time reading them.

notacooldad · 07/06/2021 11:50

Someone else had resurrected it before that poster.
The poster that re started the thread

Smtabg

I’m in the EXACT same situation right now. I would love to know how you’re doing now if you’re still on this site. I could use some insight

LuckyWookie · 07/06/2021 11:51

I don’t see how he can keep it a secret unless they don’t have joint finances? She’s bound to notice hundreds of pounds disappearing every month?