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Original poster

Baby's dad wants to keep our child a secret so he doesn't loose his girlfriend and child what would you do?

164 replies

AwarkwardPosition · 11/04/2018 10:39

Right this is long but here goes...
Earlier this year I met a guy, we got on really well saw each other a lot. Until it sort of fizzled out a few months later.
I then found out I was pregnant the first and only person I told was this guy. His reaction at first was..The last thing I wanted was another child I’d like you to abort, but also said if I kept the baby he would let want contact. I decided to keep the baby and informed him on my decision about two weeks later. He said he had a change of heart and it was shock talking. Of course he wanted to see his child and be apart of their life. He said he didn’t want to be with me but would have as much contact and involvement as possible.We had been talking trying to make plans for the baby’s arrival when I ask has he told anyone that he is having another baby. His response hit me like a tonne of bricks.
He said no he hasn’t told anyone and never will, he is back with his daughters mum and if she ever found out about me and our baby together , he would loose his daughter and girlfriend forever.
I was shocked and upset but I didn’t want to push him out of our unborn child’s life so I said I understood and left it as that.
I now have had the time to think about it and it doesn’t sit well with me.
I’m not a home wrecker and I briefly know that his daughters mum uses her as a weapon but I don’t think I can sit back and let our child together be some big secret and not have any relationship with he/she’s half sister and other family members. He wants to be on the birth certificate and for baby to have his name which I’m 100% happy with so it’s not as if he is denying the child legally. I’m just so lost on what to do. Do I keep quiet or tell his girlfriend?

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 11/04/2018 10:44

First don't give the baby his name.

Secondly apply for maintenance and I am pretty certain she will then find out anyway.

Do you secretly hope that the GF will leave him and that he would then come to you?

I assume you will want your child to have a relationship with paternal grandparents etc. Do you know them at all?

Aprilmightmemynewname · 11/04/2018 10:44

No way would I give a man who wanted me to abort my baby 50% rights to him /her and his name!
You are deluded if you don't realise he will be heading for the hills as soon as your contractions start!!

NameChange30 · 11/04/2018 10:45

For the love of God don’t give the child his surname you idiot

Why would you give the child the surname of a man who wants to keep them a secret FFS?!

You are going to be the primary carer, the child should have your surname.

I wouldn’t even put him on the birth certificate tbh as that would give him legal rights. I would say that if he wants to be on the birth certificate he has to tell his family about the baby.

I assume he’s going to pay child maintenance btw. Wonder how he’s going to keep that one secret from his partner.

Arsehole.

stitchglitched · 11/04/2018 10:47

Why would you give your baby the surname of a man who wants to keep them a dirty little secret? You would be crazy to do that frankly, he is likely to either disappear or be a very infrequent presence in his or her life.

Juells · 11/04/2018 10:48

his daughters mum uses her as a weapon

All these dreadful wves/girlfriends who use their babies as weapons...
God almighty, do women have chickenshit for brains?

TheCraicDealer · 11/04/2018 10:49

He wants to be on the birth certificate and for baby to have his name which I’m 100% happy with

Eh? You're happy to give your baby the name of a man who has made it clear that he's prioritising his relationship and older child over the one you're expecting? Catch yourself on. This man will make clandestine visits and throw a bit of cash to you now and again if you're lucky. He'll use the threat of withholding both of those to ensure your silence. That's not a father. If he keeps his word (and remember he's doing/saying what he can to keep you on-side right now) I'll eat my hat. He has shown himself to be nothing but selfish and self-serving.

Put yourself and the baby first and plan your future as if he's not in the picture. Your name, go via the CSA and do not make yourself complicit in his lies. Your baby is not some dirty secret to hide away.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 11/04/2018 10:50

He wants to be on the birth certificate and for baby to have his name which I’m 100% happy with

Do not do this!

Seriously. This man will walk away from your child and you will be left having to seek out his permission for everything from medical care to school choices to taking your child on holiday. Save yourself 18 years of stress and don’t put his name on the birth certificate. He has no interest in properly raising this child.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 11/04/2018 10:51

And do not believe a word he says about his girlfriend. Remember, he is keeping his child a secret from her, you really think he wouldn’t lie to you??

Original poster
AwarkwardPosition · 11/04/2018 10:52

No I don't want him to leave his girlfriend for me all I want is my child to have a relationship with their father.
I know he is a good dad and even when he wasn't with his girlfriend he still saw his daughter and always pays for her.
I don't know any of his family so can't contact them but if I do tell the girlfriend or I fact anyone that knows him It's a possibility he will say he doesn't want to see our child

OP posts:
expatinspain · 11/04/2018 10:53

Don't give the child his name and don't put him on the birth certificate.

FrogsSpawnofSanta · 11/04/2018 10:53

I had a similar situation and will echo what other posters have said 'Do not give the child his last name!' I didn't and I'm very thankful I didn't.

My ex eventually told his family when my child was 9 moths old. It is something I will always hold him in contempt for. His family were also upset at not knowing another grandchild/ nephew for the first year of his life.

My ex used the same excuse, he would lose his other children and father. It is complete bull. Don't buy his excuses.

It was extremely hurtful to me that he was effectively denying that my child existed. He now has no relationship with my child and my son couldn't care less about him. It is my exes loss.

RoseAndRose · 11/04/2018 10:54

You can only put him on the birth certificate if he goes with you to the registry office, and in your shoes I would not invite him along.

He can be added later, if that is what is in your DC's best interests (a good father should have PR, but one who wants to keep you secret, not so sure - so go for the 'future options open' choice rather than decisively giving PR right now).

And I would rethink giving DC a different surname to you. Historically, DC had their mother's surname (which was the same as the father's if the mothers were married) and you may well find it significantly more convenient to share a name. Again, this can be changed later if all holders of PR think it is the Dc's interests to do so.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 11/04/2018 10:54

You do your dc no favours allowing it's df to keep it hidden and flit in and out at his own convenience - if you go through cms his gf will find out anyway. If you rely on him to support his dc you are even more deluded than I first assumed.

bonnyshide · 11/04/2018 10:54

He is willing my to lie to his GF and DD for the rest of his life? Making your baby a dirty secret.

Wow, he's a keeper Hmm

PeaPodPopper · 11/04/2018 10:55

Hell, he wants it all ways doesn't he!

If he hadn't wanted another one he should have taken precautions, instead of leaving you to deal with the result of it all.

*He wants to see baby, but not tell anyone about it. Well, bugger that.

Your baby is NOT a shameful secret, its a child, a human being and as such has a right to be acknowledged.

I would tell anyone who asked me about the father. I would also claim child maintenance, but would put my own surname on the birth cert.
If he doesn't want the responsibility, then he doesn't get to have the glory either.

Wishing the best for you and your little one Flowers

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 11/04/2018 10:55

And no, you don’t tell his girlfriend. That’s not your business. You tell your family. That’s your business. It’s his business what he tells his family/partner. Don’t go shit stirring. What you do is watch what he does and respond accordingly. So if you want him to tell his partner you tell him he has to and then you sit back and wait to see if he does. But you do not take that decision out of his hands.

Juells · 11/04/2018 10:56

It could be that he's jollying you along, pretending he wants to be involved, so you don't contact his girlfriend. Say and do anything to keep you involved and grateful for any little nuggets of attention he throws your way. Then you won't be willing to risk that by contacting his real interest, the girlfriend, and upsetting him.

leave him off the birth cert.

Hat453 · 11/04/2018 10:57

Did you know he had a gf when you got together with him ?

PeaPodPopper · 11/04/2018 10:57

I know he is a good dad and even when he wasn't with his girlfriend he still saw his daughter and always pays for her

^ no he isn't, he's denying the existence of your child, thus not facing up to his responsibilities like all GOOD fathers should. What sort of role model is he for his daughter?

PurpleCrowbar · 11/04/2018 10:58

  1. the baby needs to have your name. Her father is likely to be at best a shadowy, intermittent figure - you will be her main carer & only ft parent.

  2. calculate what he needs to pay (CMS calculator) & put a claim in. They will be very happy for him to make a voluntary arrangement with you, but this way it's recorded in case he stops paying & you need to pursue.

  3. his gf will find out. She'll notice he's disappearing occasionally (to see the baby) & suspect an affair, so she will dig into wtf is going on. Social media - sooner or later a mutual acquaintance will decide they owe it to her to tell her what is going on. Gaps in finances - if he's paying anything like what he should in maintenance, he will be noticeably skinter than before, & if not the CMS letters are coming through the door, right?

This is his problem to fix. Point out to him that it's inevitable that he can't keep this secret, & if he wants his two dc to have any kind of relationship, he needs to deal with it NOW, not have it go off like a bomb in his dp's & dd's life 5 years from now.

BubblesAndSquarks · 11/04/2018 10:59

I'd say its more important to reach out to the mum of his other child in the hope of them being able to have a sibling relationship down the line.
I'd be willing to bet the dad will disappear or be barely present in the next few years once he gets a new girlfriend or child.

The important thing here is your child being able to see their sibling, and you and the other mum trying to start out on the best terms possible. A hidden child sprung on her or you assuming things about her based on what he's told you won't benefit anything.

UnmentionedElephantDildo · 11/04/2018 10:59

"but if I do tell the girlfriend or I fact anyone that knows him It's a possibility he will say he doesn't want to see our child"

So how would you explain your DC's surname if you used his?

He is treating you very badly right now. I suggest you make all plans based on the idea that he will be providing nothing other than child maintenance. If he does, it'll be a pleasant surprise.

Original poster
AwarkwardPosition · 11/04/2018 10:59

No they had been apart for 9 months he was single when we met I wouldn't of gone there otherwise. The girlfriend was also seeing someone else.
I know your all right it's just hard to accept the truth I suppose Sad

OP posts:
drspouse · 11/04/2018 11:00

I assume you will want your child to have a relationship with paternal grandparents etc.
And the baby's big sister.
How would your child feel when older if they found out they had a sister but nobody was supposed to know?

Tobestronger · 11/04/2018 11:00

Don't give the child his name. As someone with three kids all with their uninvolved fathers surname not only is it a pain in the backside when going abroad but its upsetting for the kids when their Dad doesn't care.