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Original poster

Baby's dad wants to keep our child a secret so he doesn't loose his girlfriend and child what would you do?

164 replies

AwarkwardPosition · 11/04/2018 10:39

Right this is long but here goes...
Earlier this year I met a guy, we got on really well saw each other a lot. Until it sort of fizzled out a few months later.
I then found out I was pregnant the first and only person I told was this guy. His reaction at first was..The last thing I wanted was another child I’d like you to abort, but also said if I kept the baby he would let want contact. I decided to keep the baby and informed him on my decision about two weeks later. He said he had a change of heart and it was shock talking. Of course he wanted to see his child and be apart of their life. He said he didn’t want to be with me but would have as much contact and involvement as possible.We had been talking trying to make plans for the baby’s arrival when I ask has he told anyone that he is having another baby. His response hit me like a tonne of bricks.
He said no he hasn’t told anyone and never will, he is back with his daughters mum and if she ever found out about me and our baby together , he would loose his daughter and girlfriend forever.
I was shocked and upset but I didn’t want to push him out of our unborn child’s life so I said I understood and left it as that.
I now have had the time to think about it and it doesn’t sit well with me.
I’m not a home wrecker and I briefly know that his daughters mum uses her as a weapon but I don’t think I can sit back and let our child together be some big secret and not have any relationship with he/she’s half sister and other family members. He wants to be on the birth certificate and for baby to have his name which I’m 100% happy with so it’s not as if he is denying the child legally. I’m just so lost on what to do. Do I keep quiet or tell his girlfriend?

OP posts:
Seeline · 07/06/2021 10:06

ZOMBIE THREAD!!

whatswithtodaytoday · 07/06/2021 10:11

If he was apart from his girlfriend when you got together, why would he want to keep you and the baby secret? It makes no sense. Obviously he was having an affair with you - I know it's hard to accept.

Definitely do not give the baby his name. Make plans to raise them on your own, and anything else is a bonus.

whatswithtodaytoday · 07/06/2021 10:11

Ffs!

PetuniaPot · 07/06/2021 10:14

I can't help with the ins and outs but the baby should have your name.

PetuniaPot · 07/06/2021 10:14

Oh no posted in haste..

notacooldad · 07/06/2021 10:17

Mnhq should consider perhaps adding an automatic changing of the background colour of threads over 6 months old. White for current, light grey or something if they're a zombie.
There is an alert on zombie threads.
A poster recognised that and was asking the op how she is getting on because she is in the same position now.

Mintjulia · 07/06/2021 10:26

Op, if you all live in the same town, the two dcs could end up at the same school. Probably will end up at the same senior school. What's he going to do at parents evening? Trot back and forth and hope his girlfriend doesn't notice?
Won't she notice when his income drops by ten percent. She'd have to be brain dead not to realise.
I think you need to use your surname, not put him on the bc, and tell him in advance that you won't contact the other woman but also you won't lie for him. And then just let it roll.

longwayoff · 07/06/2021 10:30

OP, this man will haunt you and your child for years now, as and when he chooses. Put as much distance between you as possible and STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM. Dont be used by men in this way.

slashlover · 07/06/2021 10:37

@notacooldad

Mnhq should consider perhaps adding an automatic changing of the background colour of threads over 6 months old. White for current, light grey or something if they're a zombie. There is an alert on zombie threads. A poster recognised that and was asking the op how she is getting on because she is in the same position now.
There is only an alert for the first person who bumps it, after that people reply to the OP and don't realise that the kid is now a toddler.
DinoHat · 07/06/2021 10:40

He’s made his feelings clear. Do not let baby take his name (why would he even want that given he wants nothing to do with the baby) and do not put him on the birth certificate.

Prepare to partner solo and plan accordingly. Don’t dance to his tune.

LucindaJane · 07/06/2021 10:47

I have been in almost exactly the same situation as you. Seriously my DC's father said all the same things.

Do not invite him to register baby and go on birth certificate.
Do not give baby his surname.
Apply to CMS and keep up with that. He should pay.
Don't rely on him for anything. Don't fall for him again - this is not a good man.

LucindaJane · 07/06/2021 10:48

Oops didn't realise this was a Zombie thread!

notacooldad · 07/06/2021 10:48

There is only an alert for the first person who bumps it, after that people reply to the OP and don't realise that the kid is now a toddler.

And this is why people should RTT! The poster clearly acknowledges it's an old thread, if people pile in then it's on them. I'll hold my hand up and say I've been caught out in the past as well.
Once someone has restarted a thread it is no longer a zombie thread as it is active again.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/06/2021 10:55

I think you need to take a step back from this and focus on yourself and this pregnancy. There is no need to make any decisions yet but I agree with everything else that this baby needs to have your name. If he proves to be a good parent his name can easily added. Live your life as you normally would, and be honest with your child and your family. Good luck.

Bluetrews25 · 07/06/2021 10:57

Well, I'm sure that OP is WAAAAAAYYYY too late to consider a termination now. (Which is what my head was screaming as I was - thankfully - RTFT)

ZOMBIE

C8H10N4O2 · 07/06/2021 10:59

He wants to be on the birth certificate and for baby to have his name which I’m 100% happy with

Why on earth would you do this?

Give the child your name.

Do you really think "good dad" and lying to two families are consistent? Do you want your child growing up knowing their dad is ashamed of them (which is exactly how it will feel). Just how long do you think he can keep you and the child secret? Just how would you feel if your long term partner had a secret second partner and child to support?

C8H10N4O2 · 07/06/2021 11:00

ZOMBIE

Doh...

Vetyveriohohoh · 07/06/2021 11:01

Please don’t give your baby his surname. If you also put him on BC if he fucks off into the sunset with his other family you’ll not be able to change it without his permission. Also why would you given the circumstances ?

massiveportion · 07/06/2021 11:01

🤔

UsedUpUsername · 07/06/2021 11:03

@crunchtime

Of course , much better to bring a child into the world in these circumstances Hmm
The circumstances are quite ordinary. OP just needs to stop being so compliant with his demands
LadyCatStark · 07/06/2021 11:06

There’s no way this secret can be kept forever more, especially these day with social media etc. All it takes is for one person to find out or one rogue photo on Facebook or whatever. What about when the children grow up and want to find each other? Or if they end up at the same school?

diddl · 07/06/2021 11:08

@notacooldad

There is only an alert for the first person who bumps it, after that people reply to the OP and don't realise that the kid is now a toddler.

And this is why people should RTT! The poster clearly acknowledges it's an old thread, if people pile in then it's on them. I'll hold my hand up and say I've been caught out in the past as well.
Once someone has restarted a thread it is no longer a zombie thread as it is active again.

No, this is why there should be a warning on the OP!!
DinoHat · 07/06/2021 11:10

@C8H10N4O2

ZOMBIE

Doh...

Got me too. I’d love an update though!
Disfordarkchocolate · 07/06/2021 11:12

FFS!!!

MimiDaisy11 · 07/06/2021 11:13

I do read all the OPs in threads before commenting and get annoyed at people who just comment on the first message when there are pages of updates so their response is irrelevant, however, it can be easy to miss a zombie thread as even when someone has resurrected it knowing it's a zombie (which often isn't the case) you can sometimes miss their message. So I agree with others and wish there was some clearer indication that a thread is a year old.

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