SAHM: My husband doesn’t give me any money

[Agoodapple]

Hi, and first of all, sorry, if this is on the wrong board.
I’m a SAHM of a little girl.
Here’s the situation, I’ve been married to my husband for a couple years now and he’s extremely tight. We’re talking, if I’d like to borrow £1 from him he will make a huge deal out it.
My husband doesn’t give me any money, he keeps the CTC, child benefit and working tax credit, plus his salary.
If I want to buy anything for myself (shampoo, get my hair cut, or clothes) I’ll have to sell something on eBay first.
I always thought being married meant that what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine as well, but turns out that it’s 100% my husbands and I don’t get anything.
Yes, he pays all the bills and food which I’m grateful for, but I, like every other SAHM, do everything in the house and look after our child.
I’m thinking of divorcing him, not just because of the money thing, but also because he doesn’t appreciate me, respect me or treats me nice in any way. He calls me names, doesn’t kiss, hug or have sex with me and starts arguments all the time (mostly over money)
I asked him if it’s okay if I buy him a small Xmas gift for £5, and his reaction was: Do I have to do the same?
What kind of reaction is that?
What would you do in my situation and how do you do finances with your SO, do you get an allowance or any spending money?

Good grief, what sort of abusive arsehole makes his wife sell things to pay for prescriptions whilst he has £500 a month available after bills?

If you're leaving, OP, try to get copies of his bank statements and make sure you claim all you are entitled to in terms of maintenance and child support. And, of course, get the child benefit swapped over to you immediately and let the tax credit people know.

Apple. I read the first few pages of the thread whilst waiting at the hospital and only caught up when I got home a few minutes ago. I welled up when I read you'd contacted your parents. I'm so relieved and happy for you. As PPs have said, do call Women's Aid too, especially as your family is far away - you need some support closer to home right now. Do take some legal advice as well (citizen's advice bureau maybe?), especially if you are considering leaving the country at some point. Don't do anything to put yourself in the wrong legally. Huge congratulations for being so brave. You've taken the first step in ensuring a happy future for you and your DD.

Really pleased you have spoken to your parents. I hope everything works out really well for you

Well done apple and good luck

What an awful situation to be in. You deserve so much better

Good luck OP.

Just seen this.

I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this.

I’m also glad your parents are going to help you.

You can’t live like this. He sounds utterly vile and abusive.

This isn't normal. As others have said, this is financial abuse.

I'm a sahm and the child benefit goes into my account and he gives me money as I need it (we're about to change this to a standing order once a month for convenience/budgeting reasons but the amount will be the same).

I pay for the food and the kids clothes/shoes/haircuts, little days out (swimming baths etc), birthdays/christmas, etc, out of this and he pays bills.

It's a partnership and I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like you have that.

As to what would I do?

Firstly I'd make sure the child benefit and any other benefit for the kids went into my own separate account. You look after the kids - you need and deserve and are entitled to that money. His reaction to that will tell you a lot. If he reacted positively to that we'd have to have a serious conversation about finances and let him know if things didn't seriously change I would be leaving him.

If he reacted negatively to that I would leave him.

You and your kids deserve better than this. Do you want to be living like this for the rest of your life?

I hope it works out well for you because it is important for your daughter to see you as a happy successful well loved woman..all things you can achieve, but not , it would seem with this man. You loved him...but you didn't know the real person you loved, so don't judge yourself harshly for that. Good luck.

Glad you've told your parents, with their help you can leave this miser.

WELL DONE agoodapple.

I am so pleased you spoke with your parents and that they will help you. It isn't easy to 'spill the beans' when you are in an abusive relationship because the abuse robs you of your confidence and self-worth.

You have rescued yourself and your child, and can be proud of yourself.

You'd be better off emotionally and financially alone

lovely update. Well done op.

whats the plan of action

Is there anything you can pawn? Anything that you can carry to a pawn shop or put on Gumtree? Sell his stuff and get a couple of hundred quid when you leave.

You can leave the pawn receipts on the kitchen table if he wants to get them back.

Sorry, I posted before I read your other comments.

Well done apple that was very brave to call your parents, hopefully now they can help you get your life back on track.

You're doing the right thing, this man doesn't see you as his wife and doesn't have the first clue of what marriage is about. I think you and your little girl will do just fine without him.Good luck

So glad you called your parents, OP.

Keep us updated so we know you are safe and well x

OP I’ve been a SAHM for the last 5 years since the youngest turned 4.

Everything (DH’s salary and CB) goes into a joint account for us both to spend/save as we see fit. I don’t need ask him for any money and I certainly don’t need to account for where it goes - he sees it as “our money”

How are you, OP?

Phone child benefit and get it changed to your account.

How are you doing apple? Can you let us know you are ok and big hugs

I hope everything is ok.

Hi OP please try if you can to let us know you’re ok

@Agoodapple

How are things?

Still thinking about you. Hope all is ok.

Housekeeping Money
I can’t work because of a debilitating condition and just have my pension to live on.
Been married just over 3 years and my husband has never even given me any housekeeping money, but he pays all the household bills and I buy all the food and groceries and household items, and also pay to keep my car on the road, which often leaves me with nothing left.
But things have taken a turn for the worse as I’ve recently had to pay out £250 in vets bills for our pets, which I’m expected to do out my own money.
My husband earns a decent wage and works long hours, often out of the country and he’s not mean in any other way, far from it, apart from with money.
I’m really struggling at the moment and need my car to go visit family when he’s away but this year I won’t be able to keep it on the road if it needs work doing to it.
My friends back home whose partners are on minimum wage still give their other halves housekeeping money and are shocked when I say I don’t get anything.
What advice have people got? And am I being unreasonable? This is causing a lot of bad feeling on my part but don’t want to cause arguments.