SAHM: My husband doesn’t give me any money

[Agoodapple]

Hi, and first of all, sorry, if this is on the wrong board.
I’m a SAHM of a little girl.
Here’s the situation, I’ve been married to my husband for a couple years now and he’s extremely tight. We’re talking, if I’d like to borrow £1 from him he will make a huge deal out it.
My husband doesn’t give me any money, he keeps the CTC, child benefit and working tax credit, plus his salary.
If I want to buy anything for myself (shampoo, get my hair cut, or clothes) I’ll have to sell something on eBay first.
I always thought being married meant that what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine as well, but turns out that it’s 100% my husbands and I don’t get anything.
Yes, he pays all the bills and food which I’m grateful for, but I, like every other SAHM, do everything in the house and look after our child.
I’m thinking of divorcing him, not just because of the money thing, but also because he doesn’t appreciate me, respect me or treats me nice in any way. He calls me names, doesn’t kiss, hug or have sex with me and starts arguments all the time (mostly over money)
I asked him if it’s okay if I buy him a small Xmas gift for £5, and his reaction was: Do I have to do the same?
What kind of reaction is that?
What would you do in my situation and how do you do finances with your SO, do you get an allowance or any spending money?

I want to be independent and them being proud of /happy for me

You are not being independent though. Were you ever? What did you do between leaving your parents and marrying this tosser?

They will not be proud that you are putting yourself through this, nor will they be happy at what you are going through. Make them proud and happy by leaving.

I don’t know how yet, but I will try to save up money and then leave him.

How the heck are you going to save up money to leave him when you have to ask him to for £1???? That is not going to happen. Do not wait for the impossible. Phone your parents right now and tell them everything if you know they will support you. If you have any doubt about that (I have to caveat that given some situations..) phone Women's Aid instead.

Is there a reason why you would not phone for help today, as I and other posters have suggested?

You save him about £65 a day in childcare. That is a contribution

Not a marriage but slavery. Child benefit was originally claimed and paid to the mother to insure they had some money this man has taken that off you. It is emotional and financial abuse seek advice as other suggest for your daughters sake if not for your own at the moment she is learning that women belong to men and no better than a possession.

Darling girl - I think the opinion is unanimous. You are indeed a good apple and he is a bad. It's a rotten relationship and time to escape and be free.

I think if your Dad noticed about the flowers he is probably already worrying about you.

No parent would want their child to live in such misery.

YOU have not failed, not in any way. You have tried your best and behaved like a decent human being. You have been badly failed by your H. This is nothing to be ashamed of, I promise.

Would your parents be able to send you 3 months deposit for a flat? Into your own bank account?

I worry about how you can save money. If you get the CTC and CB paid into your own account he will notice and may force you to pay it over. You may be at greater risk getting this money but staying in the same house.

Is he ever at all violent?

Call women's aid
Leave. With child

A refuge would give you more access to shampoo than he does.

He was shocked that I didn’t get any flowers for my birthday.

I think your dad knows more about your situation than he’s letting on.

Tell your parents everything and ask for their help to LTB. You and your DC have your whole lives ahead of you and this is no way to live.

You sound lovely btw op.

Yes. Women’s Aid. Make sure you tell them. People need to know, so they can support you. Accept any help that is given. Hugs.

This is serious control and financial abuse. He sounds selfish and spiteful and if honestly leave.

I will give Women’s aid a call today.

And no, he hasn’t been physically abusive only mentally..which is bad enough.
Thanks again for everyone’s replies.
I’ll keep this post up, so someone in a similar position can find courage to talk about it and do something as well.

Find a solicitor and leave this financially and emotionally abusive man

Well done OP. Stay strong. You will be better off without him, including financially as you are entitled to half the assets

I'm very relieved that you have decided to make that call. You don't have to be physically hit to be in an abusive relationship

Your posts are really shocking Apple!

It’s many years since I had my dd but hope you can transfer the CB and CTC without his authorisation to the necessary departments.

There is definitely an undercurrent of possible violence in your posts too. I would be very scared in your position.

Please, please contact your parents! I am probably their age —if not older— and DH and I would be mortified if our DD didn’t come to us for help. We honestly would feel as if we had failed her as parents if she didn’t feel secure enough to approach us in this situation.

At the very least, as many pp’s have suggested, please contact Woman’s aid TODAY!!

This is awful. Hope you are okay and sorry you are going through this.
I could perhaps almost understand this sort of behaviour if you were very untrustworthy with money (had a gambling habit or something) and money was tight and he was just making sure there was enough to cover the bills. But it doesn't sound like that's the case if he begrudges giving you a pound. Especially as you have said there's other issues with the relationship.
It sounds like he is using money to control you.

Hope the meeting goes well today. First step - well done you.

Stay strong for your daughter. x

Oh gosh get all your paperwork together and leave. Woman’s aid will help you.
Then call your parents to help you. I understand you feel ashamed but don’t.
Look at your little girl would you want her treated like you are being? Would you always do what you could to protect her? Would you help her?
Well I bet your parents feel the same! Your father expected you to have flowers, you don’t tgey will be sad for you but I bet they will back you.
Plan- paperwork bank account and re direct payments.
Call women’s aid if threatened the police.
Leave him and divorce make him pay you.
Job new home independent life and
Get moving!

OP - could you call them right now?

He is being abusive to you and your child.

Thank goodness you are planning to leave.

There's a wonderful world out there for you and your child away from this sadist.

Good luck with the phone call to Woman’s Aid . Also well done for taking the first step and talking about it on here

My goodness he's a nasty piece of work. Hope the meeting goes well today. Your future is going to be better than this

You've somehow ended up a prisoner OP. It's time to break free. Take steps today.

"There were more replies while I posted the other reply.

My husband has about £500 after all bills every month. He doesn’t go out with mates and doesn’t have debt except for student loan debt that gets deducted from his salary.
He doesn’t buy himself much either he just wants to save all his money for the future or an emergency. I mean, that’s all great, but I think it’s all a bit over the top.

I do have my own bank account but if I transferred the CTC and CB into my account he would lose his marbles. Because he sees that money as my only contribution.
As far as I know the money is meant for or child. But I’m only allowed to buy her stuff from the charity shop. It really is all insane when I type this out (I usually don’t think about this as much as I do right now)

And I’ll definitely leave. Some asked why I have to ask you and didn’t know that this was an abusive relationship. As I don’t personally know anyone in a similar situation, I wasn’t sure if other people go through the same thing. Of course I thought it would be nice if we could be equals but I also thought: fair enough I don’t work and stay at home with the little one. I didn’t earn any money from that"

So he has at his personal disposal £500 a month so saves £6000 a year supposedly for his daughter.....£60,000 by the age of 10 nice.....wake up and smell the roses your daughter is never going to see this money he doesn't trust you with a £5 note why would he think that a 20 year old could wisely spend £120,000 plus interests assuming he never gets a wage rise. This is his money yes he might spend a £1000 on a boiler at some point but only for his comfort.
Most people do not have savings like this especially with young children they are lucky to save a £1000 a year with many there is none left so he is comparatively rich compared to the rest of us who typically have to go out to work. he has you where he wants you a non paid domestic ....slave.

Didn't want to read and run OP, and my heart broke for you when reading your post, especially where you said you had to sell something on Ebay just to get some money for yourself.

Just echoing all the other posters, phone Womens Aid and your parents, get out, and starting living the rest of your life free from this controlling, financial abusive individual.

And sending loads of

You're in an abusive relationship. It's a means of control. Had a friend the same with 2 young kids. She had to leave and although it's no picnic being a single parent you can have choices and be in control of your own life. Agree with others when they say get out.