SAHM: My husband doesn’t give me any money

[Agoodapple]

Hi, and first of all, sorry, if this is on the wrong board.
I’m a SAHM of a little girl.
Here’s the situation, I’ve been married to my husband for a couple years now and he’s extremely tight. We’re talking, if I’d like to borrow £1 from him he will make a huge deal out it.
My husband doesn’t give me any money, he keeps the CTC, child benefit and working tax credit, plus his salary.
If I want to buy anything for myself (shampoo, get my hair cut, or clothes) I’ll have to sell something on eBay first.
I always thought being married meant that what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine as well, but turns out that it’s 100% my husbands and I don’t get anything.
Yes, he pays all the bills and food which I’m grateful for, but I, like every other SAHM, do everything in the house and look after our child.
I’m thinking of divorcing him, not just because of the money thing, but also because he doesn’t appreciate me, respect me or treats me nice in any way. He calls me names, doesn’t kiss, hug or have sex with me and starts arguments all the time (mostly over money)
I asked him if it’s okay if I buy him a small Xmas gift for £5, and his reaction was: Do I have to do the same?
What kind of reaction is that?
What would you do in my situation and how do you do finances with your SO, do you get an allowance or any spending money?

The child tax credit and child benefit is for your children, why are you letting him take it?

Tell him you want full access to his account or a joint account in both names. Or divorce - his choice.

Wow, thank you so much for everyone’s input. I’m overwhelmed and speechless by your kind words and advice.

I don’t have friends where I live (I’m originally from a different country and all my family and friends are back in my home country) and this forum is pretty much my only chance to talk to people in the same situation (Well, I thought people were in the same situation until reading everyone’s responses).

I’ve tried talking to him about money before but he keeps saying he’s earning the money and I don’t contribute.
I’ve tried working from home so I could have my own money, but he doesn’t want me to do that either.

Also, someone asked how I got into all this. I think in the very beginning there were first warning signs, he wanted to split bills and me to contribute to everything even though at that point I had barely enough money to cover rent and food, he always had plenty of money. At that point, when you first fall in love, you tend to look over such ‘small’ things. I should have sacked him right then and there.

I help him save loads of money every month by being very frugal (£100 on food for 3 for a month), I don’t go shopping (because I obviously don’t have money), I don’t ask for things...ever, even when I really need them.

I think me wanting to borrow £1 the other day was the moment my eyes opened and I thought ‘surely this can’t be right’.
The way I see it now is: I cook, clean, do all the diy in our house, look after the child and whatever else you can think of and in return I don’t even get a hug, most of the time he doesn’t even say ‘good morning’ or ‘thank you’.
I’m not the kind of woman who expects expensive handbags or jewellery, but a flower or thank you from time to time would be nice.

In case you’re wondering. I haven’t told my parents about the whole situation yet, as I’m really embarrassed. My dad once pointed out that he was shocked that I didn’t get any flowers for my birthday. So, I don’t really want to tell them the rest of the story. I want to be independent and them being proud of /happy for me, and not for them to worry from far away.

I don’t know how yet, but I will try to save up money and then leave him.
I don’t think I can live like this forever.

Thanks again for all your replies, you have no idea how much this has helped me.

Leave him . Move the tax credits and child benefit and ditch him. It's slavery and he's benefitting from you

Think about your DD, do you want her growing up thinking that this is normal?

I agree with the others. You poor thing. I am a SAHM with full access to our account. We are a marriage, a team. It's our money.

Ceto - as I’ve now said three time the situation does sound awful, however we are no nearer to knowing if he has any money to give. It is irrelevant where the money is paid - if it only covers the bills the there would still be nothing left.

Could you not just tell your parents and get them to send you some money for a flight home with your child? I'm sure they would want to help get their daughter away from an abuser! It could take you a year at least to save up to leave him. Actually, it could take forever seeing as you have no money at all. How will you save if he won't let you even work from home?

i think you need to leave asap. how will you save? i think you need to tell your parents.maybe they can help you get out. this is extreme emotional and financial abuse.

good luck . you deserve so much better.

This is awful. Please leave, you are being abused. As others have said, you'll be better off on benefits if it comes to that.

You have to tell people. He is the one who should be ashamed, not you. Making you feel too embarrassed to ask for support and help elsewhere is all part of the abuse.

1. Contact the CTC & child benefit people and make sure that is paid into your account from now on. Explain about financial abuse and that you want that money to go to your child, not this greedy fucker
2. Call women's aid

Do you own or rent your home? Whose names are on it?

Please please call women’s aid - they can offer support and advice on how to get away from this disgusting excuse for a human. If you try to save until you have enough to leave you never will.

This sounds terrible.

Please tell your parents. They may be able to help you leave financially much earlier. Don't stay and let your daughter think this is how she will be treated.

Do as others have said and transfer the benefits to your accounts. Then leave. You can speak to your health visitor/GP and they can assist in getting you safe as financial controlling abuse is still abuse.

Take care x

If you do nothing else go on the Women's Aid website . Some local refuges do outreach work where you can have a coffee and talk confidentially to an expert on domestic abuse. ( I know cuts to services have forced many to stop this but please try to see what is available in your area). You don't need to save money as they can help you leave, FWIW I used to be a homeless officer working for a L/A and we saw lots of women where the man had started like this but had ended up being violent. I urge you to leave before he stoops that low. And call the Police on 999 if you are threatened by him.

Leave him, don't worry about the money ring ctc and cb get them moved over to your bank he wont know until the payment doesnt go in.

Any Child benefit and Child tax credits, are paid to the person providing the childcare as it's paid for the children, working tax credit to the worker, so YOU should have the CB & CTC.

He's a twat, an abusive twat and you and your child deserve much better. You don't need to save, open your own account if you don't have one and get the money paid directly to you, get rid of him and get in touch with the CMS and get child maintenance from him too. You could have the best Christmas ever without the weight of him on your shoulders.

This is appalling! You have to sell stuff on ebay just so you can buy anything? Adding to the unanimous cries of 'leave him'!! What an utter scumbag he is.

He sounds horrible. Do you have any friends and family around at all?

I think you should tell your parents and leave him. You and your daughter deserve better.

This is not normal and abusive. I'm so glad you posted this. There are other women like you who don't know their situation is wrong until they start talking about it. Tell someone in real life who can support you. This will make it real.

Read this open mouthed! What a tosser!

Please try and leave

You know this isn’t right. If you don’t even have money for shampoo how are you thinking you are going to save up to leave? And why do you need to save up?

Today, go and open a bank account.
Then phone your family and explain it all to them, they will help.
Then phone Women’s aid and get their advice.
Also phone the ctc and cb people and change the account details. Explain you are leaving your abusive husband.

Why wait? You need to save yourself and your daughter from this. Start today.

Any Child benefit and Child tax credits, are paid to the person providing the childcare as it's paid for the children, working tax credit to the worker, so YOU should have the CB & CTC.

Just came on to say this but Rikalaily said it much better.

You are basically his slave. Is that what you want from your life? Is that the image of marriage that you want your DD growing up thinking is normal?

Please make moves to get out. Your husband is awful.

You do not have to leave you can make him leave and you can make him give you a portion of his salary for CM

There were more replies while I posted the other reply.

My husband has about £500 after all bills every month. He doesn’t go out with mates and doesn’t have debt except for student loan debt that gets deducted from his salary.
He doesn’t buy himself much either he just wants to save all his money for the future or an emergency. I mean, that’s all great, but I think it’s all a bit over the top.

I do have my own bank account but if I transferred the CTC and CB into my account he would lose his marbles. Because he sees that money as my only contribution.

As far as I know the money is meant for or child. But I’m only allowed to buy her stuff from the charity shop. It really is all insane when I type this out (I usually don’t think about this as much as I do right now)

And I’ll definitely leave. Some asked why I have to ask you and didn’t know that this was an abusive relationship. As I don’t personally know anyone in a similar situation, I wasn’t sure if other people go through the same thing. Of course I thought it would be nice if we could be equals but I also thought: fair enough I don’t work and stay at home with the little one. I didn’t earn any money from that.

Agoodapple, you are in a serious situation. This is not right. And I am very worried for you.

Please do not be embarrassed. Please tell your parents as soon as possible. I"m sure they will want to help you. Just think if your daughter was in this situation... your husband is wrong. You do contribute. You do everything in the house!

Your husband is being horrific to you and this is all about control. Please do not wait, do something today.

This is heartbreaking to read. His behaviour is unacceptable, you can not go on like this.

Is he at work today? If so today is the day that you need to start a plan. You need to speak to women's aid, also your family.
You say you feel embarrassed to tell them. I think they would be proud of you for standing up to this. Please get yourself and your daughter out of this toxic situation. I understand it must be very daunting and scary for you, but there is a whole world out there and life is for living.

Where are you based?