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Original poster

SAHM: My husband doesn’t give me any money

185 replies

Agoodapple · 25/10/2017 07:58

Hi, and first of all, sorry, if this is on the wrong board.
I’m a SAHM of a little girl.
Here’s the situation, I’ve been married to my husband for a couple years now and he’s extremely tight. We’re talking, if I’d like to borrow £1 from him he will make a huge deal out it.
My husband doesn’t give me any money, he keeps the CTC, child benefit and working tax credit, plus his salary.
If I want to buy anything for myself (shampoo, get my hair cut, or clothes) I’ll have to sell something on eBay first.
I always thought being married meant that what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine as well, but turns out that it’s 100% my husbands and I don’t get anything.
Yes, he pays all the bills and food which I’m grateful for, but I, like every other SAHM, do everything in the house and look after our child.
I’m thinking of divorcing him, not just because of the money thing, but also because he doesn’t appreciate me, respect me or treats me nice in any way. He calls me names, doesn’t kiss, hug or have sex with me and starts arguments all the time (mostly over money)
I asked him if it’s okay if I buy him a small Xmas gift for £5, and his reaction was: Do I have to do the same?
What kind of reaction is that?
What would you do in my situation and how do you do finances with your SO, do you get an allowance or any spending money?

OP posts:
CamperVamp · 25/10/2017 09:46

You have been very brave voicjng your thoughts here. It isn’t easy to face when you know you are in a difficult situation.

Honestly, I think your H has made you feel worthless and as if you don’t have a right to the money he earns, or anything!

Your Mum and Dad will not ever view you as worthless, I would seek help from them: if you have to move out or go to a refuge, you will have to tell them, anyway. They might wonder why their cherished daughter did not turn to them.

But then you know your Mum and Dad better than I do. I just get a hint that they want to see you looked after because if your Dad’s observation about flowers.

EmGee · 25/10/2017 09:46

Good luck Apple. Please tell your parents. Any chance they could come over for a 'visit' and help you get your ducks in a row (= prepare for leaving him)?

Original poster
Agoodapple · 25/10/2017 09:47

@jannier I never thought about it like that. I always just thought: If I had £500 left at the end of the month I’d save some and then invite my family for a meal from time to time. But even meals out he wants to split. As I said before I sell some of my stuff if I want or need something, but I don’t make much and when I have money I don’t really want to splash it all out on one meal, when he has so much money compared to me.
I don’t know why he would even suggest things like that. One meal out wouldn’t break his bank.
I feel bad talking about him like this, but I will need to get out. I wouldn’t even care if I never met another man after him. In the end of the day I just want for my little one and I to live a happy life without being constantly put down. We all only get one life and deserve to be happy, no?!

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
CamperVamp · 25/10/2017 09:48

Do you and your child have passports?

expatinscotland · 25/10/2017 09:48

He's abusive. He's abusive. He's abusive.

FacelikeaBagofHammers · 25/10/2017 09:49

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You're nothing more than a slave to him.

Please leave OP, and start a new life with your daughter. Best of luck - that man is an animal.

pipistrell · 25/10/2017 09:51

If you leave him do you have anywhere else to go? You have said your friends and family are all overseas in your home country.

Do not leave the UK with your child without getting legal advice first. You are NOT entitled to move back to your home country with your child, you could be forcibly returned to the UK and your child removed from your care. Please be aware of this before you do anything.

I am in the same situation, believe me, I know.

MonkeyJumping · 25/10/2017 09:52

Leave leave leave. You will be financially better off without him as you will get the child benefit etc plus he will have to pay you maintenance for your child. No aspect of this is ok or normal.

DollyPS · 25/10/2017 09:53

Plan ahead for your escape as this will escalate as he sees his control over you go away and he won't like this.

Do not be alone when you leave try and have someone there if you have to tell him. I wouldn't personally. I'd phone woman's aid and see if they have a place for you to go now.

Sort out everything else once away including CM

Do not be blind sided when he turns on the charm as it's all lies to hook you back in.

Tell others of his behaviour as this is on him not you. You have nothing to be ashamed off.

BefuddledBob · 25/10/2017 09:54

Shocking.

It's already been said a thousand times but no, this is not normal.

It would be healthy to budget together as a family and decide together what you can do with what you've got, everyone having an equal say.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 25/10/2017 09:56

Reiterating previous posts - don't take your daughter out of the country, you could get into a lot of trouble! Call Women's Aid, they can help you leave and find you proper legal advice.

But certainly don't put up with this, you deserve much better!

WomblingThree · 25/10/2017 09:58

You can’t just transfer the money. If you could, then what would stop other abusive men just taking off their wives. I imagine in this case, the awards are in his name, so it’s not that easy.

Ttbb · 25/10/2017 09:58

I would leave him. He might beg you to come back and behave more reasonably (make sure that you draw up a postnup in this scenario) or you could end up divorced. At any rate it's better than staying with such a scrouge.

YorkieDorkie · 25/10/2017 10:02

Oh my god I want to vomit with how much of an abusive twat he is. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.

FlowerPot1234 · 25/10/2017 10:03

Is there anything stopping you calling them now OP?

DobbyTheHouseElf80 · 25/10/2017 10:04

I am glad you've decided to leave. Be strong. And please tell your parents, don't be ashamed. The only person that needs to be ashamed is him. As a PP said, think about how you'd feel if your little girl was being treated like this. You'd do anything to help her I'm sure and you wouldn't think badly of her.

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn · 25/10/2017 10:04

Make sure you have all your ID, too. Especially passports. Obviously you can’t take your child out of the country, but don’t leave him with any control.

You’ll need ID, anyway, when applying for things, eg council housing, if you need to. Birth certificates are easy. You can just get copies.

Good luck.

Worriedobsessive · 25/10/2017 10:20

Another vote for ringing women’s aid and your parents. Right now.

43percentburnt · 25/10/2017 10:29

Please call women's aid, speak to your gp, and health visitor. Keep a diary about how he will not buy things for your daughter, keep the log on here if it's safer. Go to the police he is a criminal and financial abuse is illegal.

When he wants 50/50 care to save him paying maintenance you need evidence that he is abusive to her too.

Do you have texts or emails from him refusing to let you have money for food etc?

Ceto · 25/10/2017 10:32

The OP has not said if there is any spare money. If he hasn’t anything to give then what do you expect him to do?

AnotherLego, what I would expect him to do would be to treat OP as an equal partner, with full access to the joint account and full information about incoming and outgoing finances, and to have a sensible adult discussion with her about what they can and cannot afford - not to have an argument about money and a blanket refusal to acknowledge her basic needs.

QueenInTheNorth26 · 25/10/2017 10:32

From past experience he is most likely doing this so he knows exactly where your money is going hand can keep tabs on you.

LoislovesStewie · 25/10/2017 10:41

I don't know where your parents live but if it were me I would be tempted to get my father or brother to come over and help you leave. Most bullies would back down if a male family member stood up to them. I have several male relations who look like the proverbial brick outhouse and I know they would by their very presence assist me in leaving. I just feel that he needs to know that others are aware of the abuse. But in any case Women's Aid are there for you.

Str4ngedaysindeed · 25/10/2017 10:46

You have to pay for duplicate birth certificates though! If she has no money how can she do this?

Ellapaella · 25/10/2017 11:01

What would happen if you needed something in an emergency like a prescription? How do you put petrol in the car do you have access to a bank account at all? And are you actually saying that he does all the shopping physically himself do that you can’t choose anything at all?
This is so awful I’m lost for words. Honestly in your situation I would be telling your parents and asking for some financial help from them so that you can escape this abusive idiot. I assume they would be horrified to know the extent of the situation you are in.

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 25/10/2017 11:01

Oh love, you really need to leave asap. He says you don't contribute?! I bet if you totalled up all the hours you did providing childcare, cleaning/house work, diy etc and even if you were paid paltry nmw you, by rights, would be earning more than him with all the hours you do! He is a real shit.

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