SAHM: My husband doesn’t give me any money

[Agoodapple]

Hi, and first of all, sorry, if this is on the wrong board.
I’m a SAHM of a little girl.
Here’s the situation, I’ve been married to my husband for a couple years now and he’s extremely tight. We’re talking, if I’d like to borrow £1 from him he will make a huge deal out it.
My husband doesn’t give me any money, he keeps the CTC, child benefit and working tax credit, plus his salary.
If I want to buy anything for myself (shampoo, get my hair cut, or clothes) I’ll have to sell something on eBay first.
I always thought being married meant that what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine as well, but turns out that it’s 100% my husbands and I don’t get anything.
Yes, he pays all the bills and food which I’m grateful for, but I, like every other SAHM, do everything in the house and look after our child.
I’m thinking of divorcing him, not just because of the money thing, but also because he doesn’t appreciate me, respect me or treats me nice in any way. He calls me names, doesn’t kiss, hug or have sex with me and starts arguments all the time (mostly over money)
I asked him if it’s okay if I buy him a small Xmas gift for £5, and his reaction was: Do I have to do the same?
What kind of reaction is that?
What would you do in my situation and how do you do finances with your SO, do you get an allowance or any spending money?

Poor you, I feel awful for you reading this. He is financially abusing you very badly. Get away from him.
To explain what we do: We both work and have our own accounts. We put an equal percentage of our salary into a join account which pays the mortgage, bills and car expenses. The child benefit is also paid into this account and covers extras for the DC like food, clothes and extra curricular activities. Whatever we have left is our personal disposable income to do with as we please.
I was recently a SAHM for two years. For this period we used the joint account for everything - I did not have to justify my spending, I spent DHs earnings because this was the entire family pot and it was for our family.

You must get away from this abuse, I'm sorry you're putting up with it.

Is there any spare money? Does he have anything left once bills and food are paid for? Does he have anything to spend on himself? Can you really afford to stay at home? Your situation sounds awful, but you haven’t given any indication of what his lifestyle is like.

This is wrong, very wrong. I suspect you know this deep down.

To answer your question, I don’t work, my dh works. All of the money is joint. Completely. In fact, I handle the money. We both have full and free access to all of ‘our’ money. If he wants to buy something expensive (very rare) then he will check with me if we can afford it first. If I want to buy something, I check we can afford it and then buy it. He has never once referred to ‘his’ money or stopped me buying anything, and we’ve been together 25 years.

Please contact Women’s Aid. You deserve so much better than this.

There's a law against coercive control. He's being abusive, and that breaks the law.

Go to Women's Aid, or Citizens Advice Bureau, or a solicitor. Divorce him.

I've been a SAHM for over 12 years. I have full access to all money earned by Dh, I do not consult him over what I spend day to day, ever. I tell him when I have bought it, I don't ask his permission. I am an adult.

Any big items are discussed in advance.

You need to get the CTC and CB paid into your bank account today. Do it now.

This will help you get out. He treats you appallingly, that isn't loving you. You are his emotional punch bag. You deserve better and you know you do.

My god, you poor thing. That's not tight, that's abusive.

To give you some perspective I would classify my DH as quite tight. He certainly watches the pennies very closely, nags me to keep receipts for every little thing etc. I'm a SAHM too. We have a joint account where his wages go and I have full access to that for any bills and household spending. We also have a budgeted set amount paid into our own individual accounts each month that is ours to spend as we wish - so I buy my make up etc from that. Even with that, if it's real basics that we actually need (so when I needed some new clothes post baby, he needs a haircut etc) come out of the household account.

You should not need to 'borrow' £1 from your partner. I would take £10 out of DHs wallet without even thinking about it if I need it - I did the other day, I needed some cash to take DD to playgroup and have a coffee and although I'd always say 'DH, I need some cash so I've taken £10 of out your wallet'. If he pulled me up later and said 'you owe me £10' I would laugh. He's always swiping £5 off me for his football subs, I only get annoyed when he forgets to tell me and then I have no cash to hand!

Shampoo for you isn't a treat, it's a standard grocery item (unless you're talking about some sort of £20 a go luxury bottle). Your relationship isn't normal I'm afraid, he treating you terribly. You shouldn't have to put up with this.

You are being kept as a slave.

Get evidence of his financial abuse, go to the police and leave him.

What he is doing is illegal. That;s how bad it is.

She has to beg him for a quid, Another.

I imagine information about the finances he awards himself is only going to make him sound worse.

Oh my goodness please leave him.

What a horrible situation for you OP. He sounds like a nightmare and this relationship must be awful for you

You deserve so much better and he deserves to be alone.

Leave him! This is not the future you want for your little girl. You don't want her to grow up thinking this is what a relationship is.

Maybe he secretly has serious debts and is needing to use all the money to cover them. He sounds like an abusive prick and I would leave and go stay with a family member/friend for a bit with your child until you can get your own place

Do you have a bank account? I just wondered why all the child-related benefits are in his name. Does he do all the shopping etc as well if you don’t have access to any money?

Either way, divorce him ASAP. You need to get out of the relationship for your own sake and that of your child.

Open your own account and get CTC and CB benefit transferred into it.

Make sure you have copies of all paperwork and all your personal documents safe.

Then leave.

You deserve more than being abused day in and day out whilst you raise both your child and keep both your house facilitating him going out to work.

I understand that Limpid, but if he hasn’t got a pound then that is a problem. He could of course have £100s to spend on himself each month which is why I asked the question. He could be incredibly stressed trying to balance the account every month and pay the bills. On the other hand he could be a controlling arse who goes out with his mates every night- you can’t tell from the info given.

I did acknowledge that the situation sounds awful, but you can’t tell why from the information given.

I did acknowledge that the situation sounds awful, but you can’t tell why from the information given

You deserve much better than this. I agree with others ; you are being abused. Please contact Women's Aid today.They can talk all of this through with you and help you to leave this abusive apology for a human being. Having to sell things on e-bay to buy shampoo is really so disturbingly awful. You have no life at present and it will only get worse. I really feel for you , please get out now, today would be best, and then update us. Your happiness is only a little way away , if nothing else do this for your child.

He is really abusive

Why are you asking this question OP, as an adult, you should know that this isn’t ok and shouldn’t have to tolerate it.

The fact that he controls you with money is bad enough.
But he is also emotionally abusive.

You do not have a relationship or a marriage. You really do not want to bring your child / ren up in this atmosphere and seeing their mother tested worse than a despised dog.

The CB and CTC should be paid into your own account. But I am not going to suggest you go through the admin to do this thinking it will make things OK? It won’t.I think you should leave him as soon as possible, and arrange for those amounts to be paid to you in your new free, independent, happy life.

Do you have any supportive family members?

AnotherLego, you can't tell why the situation sounds awful when OP has to beg her husband for money for basic requirements despite looking after his child, and he calls her names and shows zero affection?

He’s Finically abusive op. I’m a sahm I get the CB CTC paid into my account and a lump of money off him so I have money to myself after bills he also pays my mobile and car insurance. He understands that we are a team and that I support him being at work by being at home with the kids. He sounds cold. You shouldn’t have to eBay stuff to avoid things.

OP - not one single word or action in your post is part of a healthy relationship. Not one.

It's Wednesday. Contact Women's Aid this morning. Make your plans to leave this afternoon. You can be out by Friday. You are being abused and you have the rest of your life to plan and live. Get out now.

And the raised eyebrow really doesn’t make it any clearer. The OP has not said if there is any spare money. If he hasn’t anything to give then what do you expect him to do? He doesn’t sound particular nice in other ways and it is not something I think the OP should put up with.

If they are arguing about money, which she says they are, it could well be that they are under financial pressure and that is something that they need to sort out. If I was the OP I would be looking to become financially independent and making plans to move on.