WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

He has made his choice OP.

....So.....tell him to go ahead and inform all his friends and family, for him to let them know of his choice, with all in the open, especially since he is so big on The Truth.

He'll soon realise what he his doing and what that will unleash.

Also, whilst he's finding himself, hang on to that Part Time Job of yours and explore your further prospects.

You sound to me like you have the strength and pragmatism to ride this one through and get to where you deserve.

I would leave without looking back and I also have a daughter of that age with ASD. Reasons are:

The fact he admits her helplessness is a turn on would terrify me. I find this sinister and would worry that he's taking advantage of her. We as outsiders don't know for sure if she's too drunk to consent but it certainly sounds like he wouldn't care if she was if the helplessness is the thing that turns him on.

If you know she's had multiple partners and abortions due to risk taking surely he knows this as well? Even without that unprotected sex with someone you don't know the sexual health of is a stupid Risk. Yet he risks his and your sexual Health as well as risking a pregnancy by having unprotected sex with her. This I find disrespectful and unacceptable.

Fidelity doesn't have a time limit. Unless you both consent to an open marriage from the start then there's no expiry date on your vows. He doesn't get to just say that he's put in 20 years of decent behaviour so now he is entitled to hurt you repeatedly and consistently through an affair.

It isn't normal and it isn't "what everyone does" this is utter bollocks.

He doesn't care about you or your feelings. It doesn't stop being an affair because
You know about it. It starts being an affair that stabs you in the heart every time he leaves the house.

Don't do this. It will break you and in turn your kids. He is the one at fault here. Please find out your options and get away from this asshole.

A child that age with ASD may well pick up EVERYTHING. My daughter panics if one of us gets ill or if someone has a bad day or
Someone raises their voice. I was the same as a kid (I also have ASD) My parents divorced when I was 7 and I survived. I was better able To cope when they were both separate but happy than when they were together and miserable. My mum said
It was one of the reasons she was able to cope. She said I was noticeably happier and brighter once the atmosphere in the house had gone. Don't kid yourself there won't be an atmosphere because there will. You are rightfully hurting and the longer this goes on the more it will hurt.

The chances of him ending it are slim. It sounds like she may be lonely and just want comfort from sex. She's unlikely to beg him to leave. He will get to have sex with someone he is infatuated with. He will get to do this carefree. He also has you at home doing all the wifework and allowing him to shag around.

Don't
Do
It

That is a very good point, alwayslearning. The family and friends - including his - will be in shock when they find out, especially as I get on very well with the in-laws. He doesn't even realise the consequences as I haven't given him proper 'betrayed wife' treatment yet, but nobody else will be so composed about it. To have him, rather than myself, announce it seems like a right thing to do.

As someone said, it does actually take a lot of strength and indeed self-respect not to act rashly on such a revelation and think calmly of how to go on without ruining everything around you. I'm coping for now, but the decision will have to be taken soon. I know already I don't want him back in my bed, even when this is over.

He's a brilliant barrister himself (though not in family law) so I would need a super lawyer to deal with it.

Think from the point of view of your child. If you were them, would you rather have your mum settle for this, or make a new stable happy life separately even if there is temporary disruption? I think even with sen that a happy and loving home without this toxic thing would be much better.
Agree with others that it is creepy that the vulnerability is a turn on for him and that likely means he'll either give her alcohol, encourage her to drink or t least not take steps to help her. Pretty sickening. Better to separate.

Which is out of that soul destroying, self worth eroding situation.

No man is worth your self esteem OP.

I don't know how you can even bear to look at him op, let alone share a house/bed with him. He's a cunt. Kick him out.

Myusername, that's a very very helpful response.

Look after yourself and the kids OP. I hope he will soon wake up out of his stupor.

Wishing you a positive outcome for your best circumstances whichever way it falls and however difficult the next couple of weeks/ months will be

If he's a barrister he should know the laws around consent.

I don't actually agree that what he did was rape, one can be both drunk and consenting, however he was cruising uncomfortably close to it. There's is no question that he took advantage of a woman in the grip of an addiction and making bad, destructive life choices for sexual kicks. The fact that he's clearly turned on by her drunkenness and 'helplessness' is concerning - once he's got a taste for that - where will it end?

I'd point out to him that there are 1000s of men In the world who get off in drunk, helpless women, he is now among them, and some of them end up in prison.

He should also know that if she got knocked up and decided to keep it, he would be forking out for another child and having to co-parent with an alcoholic.

I am so sorry. You've just been emotionally punched in the guts. You probably need time to process. It's almost like grieving - you know, shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Ultimately, only you will be able to decide what it right for you, and for your family. But a few things to bear in mind:

1)You must do what is right for you, and your kids. Do not give a flying fuck what is right for the cheating bastard, or his bit on the side.
2)Don't just consider the effect on your children, especially your dd with ASD, of you separating. Also consider the effect on them of an environment where their mother and father are holding each other in anger/contempt.
3)He wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants you to maintain a happy illusion of stable family life, whilst he fucks around. Will you truly be able to cope with that? I can see holding it together whilst getting your ducks in a row. But are you psychologically strong enough to do that until your children are grown up? Because if not, it may actually be better to split now, as teenagers can be even more vulnerable, with a heart breaking tendency to blame themselves. You also would need to be sure that they wouldn't blame themselves for you staying miserably in a broken marriage.
4)Please, for pity's sake, get yourself to a GUM clinic. Be 100% certain you're fine, not 99%. And if you do decide to live with this, a condition would have to be not only that he practices safe sex (you can never be sure unless you're there!), but regularly has GUM checks.

I couldn't stay with him. But there are people who would. For many of them, it would subsequently fall apart. But maybe, for just a few, it would somehow work. I think you need to work out if you have a genuine realistic change of being one of those few. Because, if not, trying to keep your marriage on life support long after it has really died would not be good for any of you.

You have children but more importantly you have daughters.

Would this be an ok situation if one of your daughters was in your position?

No. You are teaching your daughters it's ok to be treated like meat by men.

I would have serious questions about whether he has to n fact been faithful this whole time.

You say as long as she doesn't get pregnant but what if she does? You may well leave him then but you will have to explain to your children not only what he did but then also why you let him do it.

What you are suggesting is feasible for a short while. It isn't a long term solution.

Leave him on your terms now rather than being so betrayed and hurt when you do it later. Then you'll be angry at yourself for not doing it before.

He's never going to admit to shagging his wife's mate. You will have to tell people yourself.

Male barristers (wild generalisation alert) are often arrogant and quite concerned with their status and general respect.

Sorry but I'd be calculating the way to get the absolute most out of him forever to hurt him the absolute callous, awful, no words 😶

Jesus Christ get some self respect.

I've read this twice. Walk now. This second. Gather as much evidence as you can. I'm so sorry your going through this but be smart. Be clever. What a prick.

If you stay with him until your kids are older then you risk being another 15 years older than you are now when you are eventually single again and looking for your next committed relationship.

By that time, your kids will find out, and their entire childhood will feel like a lie. You will be blamed as much as him for keeping this secret.

If you leave him now, you can set the right example for your daughters. You can walk away knowing you've not been complicit in his awful behaviour, and lying to the children. You can tell anyone and everyone you gave him 20 years and he threw it away. You can even get revenge on her by making it common knowledge she was the other woman, if that's important to you.

I see only one benefit for you in continuing with this lie, and that's money. I'm sorry, but that's not a good enough reason to throw 3 childhoods and 3 trusting relationships with your children away.

This could be the making of you. Are you determined to ruin your own and your children's lives or are you brave enough to step up and set you all free?

OP I keep hoping the next message on here is you telling us all you've lawyered up, put a suitcase of his stuff by the front door and changed the locks

OP please leave him. I'm a single parent and I left my ex when mine were 11 & 14. My 14 year old is mild ASD. It was because of the children I stayed as long as I did, believing I was doing the right thing for them. I wanted to keep our family home and I knew separating would mean I would have to move into something more financially affordable.
I am not going to say it's easy, it really isn't. My children found it difficult at first, but we have established routines that have helped. Now they both say they are happier.
Realistically our family home was not the happy home I pretended it to be, it wasn't for a number of years.
Now our home is happy, we enjoy each other's company and spending time together. We are a lovely family unit, just not the one I imagined.
I wish I had done it sooner and not lived a lie with my ex.
Also by keeping secrets from family and friends, it means you get no support. Please leave him and create a life for you and your children x

So her parents were concerned about her welfare and asked him to check on her welfare? His response was to sleep with her? That is so disgusting. She is a vulnerable woman because of her addiction and he seems to like the fact that when she is drunk she is game. You seem to have convinced yourself that accepting this behaviour is ok, so

The thing that strikes me most from your post is how little you love him. Is it just because if this awful behaviour or how were you before.

An affair per we might not upset me in your shoes but this is so incredibly sordid. His artogance is breathtaking. His honesty is a foil to show his disrespect for you.

You poor fucker, you will figure out what to do.

( And, btw, I have NEVER met a faithful lawyer and I know scores).

Op your strong. You've got this. Your doing it. Right now. Fucking go you. Your amazing. Your fucking past strong. Your invincible and still going. Go go go. Your amazing. Setting the standard for everyone. Your amazing and your still going xxxxx

I'd rather but penny less than let my children live in this toxic environment. You and your DC deserve so much more

"He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us "

Aww, diddums - he isn't acting like it is he?
Does he really think that he gets sole choice over whether he is leaving you or not? VETO

An affair per we might not upset me in your shoes but this is so incredibly sordid.

Very true. I am not so naive as to think that people can easily go through life fancying just their spouse. Loads of people have affairs, and I would be willing to forgive if my husband, say, had a brief affair with someone I'd never met, genuinely apologised afterwards and never went back to it again. This situation takes it to a completely different level.

Living a lie in front of my children and making them feel, when they eventually find out, that their happy childhood was a fake, is a massive argument for ending it sooner rather than later. You lot are very persuasive.

As for not loving my husband, I don't know where my feelings are now. I am just so massively disappointed in him. His integrity and trustworthiness was what I valued most about him all these years. He's not the type to show lots of affection or sweet-talk, and he can be quite a grump. But he's always been the 'I'm always there for you when you need me so that's how I show you I love you' type of guy, and that's what our relationship was built on. Loads of trust in each other and lots of freedom resulting from it - he could always travel, meet people, go to diners etc, without me questioning it (and vice versa). I honestly have no reason to doubt him all these years for the reasons explained above - his extreme aversion to lying.

This IS the first time something like this happened and that's why it hurts so much, and that's why I don't want to make rash decisions. But everything we built together in our relationship, all the trust and security, is gone.

Having our kids around keeps me sane. I get loads of affection from them.

Fucking life, eh?

OP.Think what you are modelling to your DC.To your DS's that it is ok to treat a partner like this, and to your DD it is just something they have to put up with.
The woman is a bitch and a slut.She was somebody the OP trusted and numbered among her friends .Op's kindness has been repaid by her shagging Op's husband!
Of course t was not rape.Drunken consent is still consent, and the woman's conduct at the time and subsequently has more than proved this.