WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

OP is he a fair bit older than her and is he in a supervisory capacity at work? This whole thing just strikes me as so exploitative on his part.

You've had some excellent advice on here, all I would add is that as a barrister he's expected to abide by a strict code of conduct designed to prevent the profession being brought into disrepute - I'd be willing to bet that a good part of his insistence that this is all normal and not something to make a fuss about is rooted in a fairly desperate desire not to have to stand in front of anyone else and explain all this. If he can steamroller you into accepting all of this he doesn't have to worry about coming across as a grubby, tacky little philanderer in front of others.

Don't let him.

It is exploitative Gabilan it doesn't just seem like it.

It is a violation of his duty of care as a responsible adult and professional colleague, never mind as a friend. It is a violation of the woman in question. If you stay with this man, you really are setting the bar low for yourself and DC.

Right, an alcoholic artist with mental health problems, nowhere to stay in the UK but family and a boyfriend in the US, you are paying for her to be here... why is she even in this country? It all sounds bonkers, sorry. Have you all lost touch with reality?

He's a pig. You'll be humiliated if you let it continue. Divorce time.

As soon as you feel able and composed enough then see a Solicitor to get the legal advice you really need. Don't be fazed by him being a Barrister the law in the UK i think you'll find is very fair.

Have a read when you feel up to it of;

www.divorce.co.uk

The reality is - as unpopular as it would be as a way forward on MN - that many women do either turn a blind eye or agree to deals such as that as the OP described.

There are many reasons for this:

• financial stability
• fear of going it alone
• abuse - be it emotional/physical/financial
• agreement to an open relationship
• not wanting to separate the family unit at any cost
• religious belief
• not actually caring or even relief the spouse is getting sexual gratification elsewhere

I could add more - but the fact is it happens.

Would I do it, no. I'm simply not the sort of person that can hide such major betrayal behind some emotional bulkhead.

It would absolutely impact my interactions with my DH well beyond not sleeping with him. There is no way I could paper over this and play happy families to the extent my children and wider family would be non the wiser.

However, some women can and do.

OP I guess you have to decide if you are capable of living this "lie" so convincingly that your children would be unaffected. Could you personally stand it without your own self esteem being chipped away? Without becoming a shallow, bitter, enraged women whose spent some of their best years on a faithless husband.

Could you walk away in 5/10/15 years and still be you?

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober . Nothing implies she was not aware of what she was doing SHE INVITED HIM TO BED . Sad reality many men married or single would accept her offer. Although Infidelity is wrong there's something bigger going on here that WE the readers can't address . Seek counseling for your answers . Intimacy is an important part of a relationship . When trust, and honesty are gone from a relationship you have nothing. If he is a good father just because you separate it doesn't mean he stops being a father. But separate is what you should consider doing NO MAN has the right to break your heart and make you put up with it on a regular basis. He is a cad . A piece of dog manure .

I don't see how you could stay in this marriage and retain any self esteem. He's so utterly, utterly disrespectful to you.

OK then. When divorce time comes, and I feel it will, how would you explain the situation to young kids? Why doesn't daddy leave with us any more? What do you tell them, considering that with the exception of the eldest they don't even know what sex is and obviously don't care who their dad sleeps with?

Do you just brush it off, make aomething up, or work out a PG-rated version of the events?

He'd still have regular contact with them, as they adore him and he them, so I wouldn't like them to think of him as the 'bad guy'. Time for details and judgment may come when they are older.

Again, all suggestions appreciated, especially from those of you who have been in a similar situation.

I can't believe what I'm reading, that you could even contemplate staying with someone who not only feels entitled to cheat but finds a drunk vulnerable woman a turn on.

Staying for the kids is a cop out, you're teaching them that this sort of thing is acceptable. It most definitely is not.

Wow, not a chance in hell, this is all too wierd, get out of there

One option is not to tell them the reason just a generic not happy together type chat.

A friend who wanted to be honest (the dad kept telling the kids it was her decision/choice and he wanted them together) told her kids that daddy had had a girlfriend and that married couples aren't meant to have girlfriends and boyfriends and that she was very upset by it.

'Daddy does not live with us any more because the marriage does not work any more. Both Daddy and I still love you any more'

Sometimes marriages just stop working, the whole adult level awfulness of it doesn't matter to children. Your children know their father as their father and the fact that he is their father and will remain their father is the bit they care about. And then probably about what their day to day life will look like.

The general explanation OP is that "Daddy and Mummy care for each other, but can no longer be together. We both you love you as much as ever and nothing will ever change that. It's sad, yes but it's not at all anything you have done. Whilst we will no longer be together we will always be tied together as your parents and work as a team."

I paraphrase - but that the general gist. There are lots of good age appropriate "scripts" online.

In terms of judgement, my DD's dad left when she was a baby for OW, i am not aware that she judges him for it. It is simply how things are and she sees us as two different people with wholly separate lives now. Your DC will have their own lives to live.

op

Being honest about it doesn't make it dishonest IYSWIM

As you yourself have said he has completely broken your trust

If he wanted an open mistress he should have approached you to discuss prior to embarking on the affair. You could both have then evaluated your priorities and agreed an outcome (fidelity vs family etc)

What he has done is present you with a rock and hard place while he expects to have his cake and eat it, just because he aledegedly (doesn't act like it) loves you / your family and has told you about his betrayal after the event.

He needs an sti check and to move out of the house while you have a proper think about it

Or if you want to be more truthful

"When you get married you agree to be each other's very best friend. The very best out of everyone. Sadly Daddy found a new very best friend. He still wants to be friends with Mummy but not her best friend."

The children do not need to know why and should not know. All they need to know is that both parents love them very much and always will.

Drawing them into this can only end badly. You will do the very best for them by keeping them out of your break up. They will want parents who love them and they will want to love you back. They cannot be made to take sides.

Both of you need to sit them down and tell them that you are splitting up because you no longer want to be together but that it's not their fault and that you both love them very much. They need reassurance that they still have a mum and dad in their lives who will look after them and their best interests.

When divorce time comes, and I feel it will, how would you explain the situation to young kids? Why doesn't daddy leave with us any more? What do you tell them, considering that with the exception of the eldest they don't even know what sex is and obviously don't care who their dad sleeps with?

If they don't know what sex is (except eldest) they are very young, and all they need is the "we both love you very much, but we don't make each other happy so we'll live in different houses but Daddy will still spend a lot of time with you" talk. I'm sure there are plenty of books on hos to handle it.

And he may be a brilliant barrister, that doesn't mean he can argue black is white. He's cheating. That's a valid reason to get a divorce.

Just find out your options.

It's also not true to sat kids don't care who their father sleeps with.

I was made complicit in my mother's affair because I picked up the phone at the wrong moment. And then I was her confidant. She took me on dates with him. My DF blanked me for days when he found out, and I was only 8/9. Then a few years after that my DB ended up in a similar situation except DF was having the affair. It's sordid and embarrassing and awkward and you lose respect for your DPs.

The very fact that he's choosing to fuck an alcoholic is risky for your DCs. If the novelty wears off for him, presumably she knows where your family home is, and the landline number? The aftermath could be very messy.

Oh dear he's a bit entitled isn't he. As 'he's been good' he can now do what he likes? So has he said you can find yourself a lover too? Would he be happy with that? A nice loud one who goes on and on all night!
Maybe ask him to explore that option for a while.
for you as I do feel hurt on your behalf.

We told the kids we had grown apart and no longer loved each other in the same way we did when we married.
We explained it didn't change our last be for them and they were still important to us both. We were proud of them and that would never change.
Mine were older and have never questioned it.

• our love for them.