WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

HildaOg The OP described her as 'dead drunk'. That sounds alarming. A decent man would not have sex with someone if he thought alcohol was influencing their decisions. Sadly, the world is full of not-decent men.

I'd accept this with a couple of conditions :

1. Need to be married with a watertight prenuptial
2. He needs to be very, very rich and I can live exactly the life that I want, no expense spared
3. The children have absolutely nothing to do with the mistress whatsoever
4. I can take a lover whenever I please

There's probably more but I can't think of them

I had drunk sex a mere two weeks ago and really only remember bits .

I do not consider myself to have been raped . However in THIS case he has said himself it suits him for her to be drunk . Nasty , however you look at it

Those condemning the OP for her language choice must be bloody saints. The OW's vulnerability is not really the OP's concern (certainly not anymore) and it's not like the OP has gone to her house and pointed out she is a bitch and a slut.

The OP housed the vulnerable woman, helped furnish her flat and has been nothing but a supportive friend to her. To repay this by fucking the OP's husband is unforgivable no matter what the reasons. To invite the husband of a person who has been so supportive makes you a bloody reprehensible person.

Personally OP, he would have his bags packed and dumped outside the front door. I would ensure everyone knew you were divorcing him for cheating with your friend and I would pull no punches in the divorce. Fuck the moral high ground, sometimes you need to get down and as dirty as they are.

You mention a daughter, what would you say to her if she was in your position?

I know of people who have had strong mutuallly agreed equitable 'open relationships'.

This is not that.

You are making a massive compromise. You will resent him. He will come to resent you 'you don't understand' and other such crap. She will be exciting, he will view you as ... what?
He doesn't respect you, you can't possibly respect him since he sleeps with someone you call a slut.

Will you share a bed? Cuddle? Will the children see you kiss?

The whole thing is just yucky. In your shoes I would kick him out.

You can NEVER accept this. Who gives a shit what they do in France. more fool those doormats.
This is not stability for kids. Your post sounds like you could accept this piss poor excuse for a husband. It's just wrong on every level including your compromise and lack of self respect and respect for your kids.

He is a disgusting pig! Get rid of him ASAP

Given the age of your youngest IIRC, you're looking at another 13 years of turning a
blind eye if you stay with him for the sake of the children. That will damage you and your kids. Cut yourself free now. I like Brogadocio's speech about how you want that life yourself now and 50/50 is the way ahead.

OP sorry , I sounded harsh and that was not meant

But seriously, this man is no good for you and your children .

Those condemning the OP for her language choice must be bloody saints.

No, it's not about this at all. I'd be bloody livid with her. But posters, including me, are trying to point out that the OW isn't married - therefore she's not cheated on anyone so name calling her is pointless. It doesn't achieve anything and it runs the risk of playing into the old trope of demonising 'The OW' and then positioning the H as a naive lamb who has just been led by his penis. I'm not suggesting feeling sorry for her, but I am suggesting that out of the two of them, the H should shoulder more of the blame because he is the party who was both married and sober.

Yes she's behaved in a shitty fashion - and it takes a fucking brass neck to accept someone's hospitality and help and then shag their H. But the OP's husband is the one who has cheated and who has turned his back on a 20 year marriage. It's the H who needs to be the target of OP's anger and hurt - after all he's the one wearing the ring and waking up next to OP on a daily basis. He's also the one that seems to want to have his cake, eat it and make a fucking trifle out of it as well.

If you can't trust him not to rape a vulnerable woman (and enjoy it) how can you trust him when he says he has no intention of leaving you?

How can you contemplate staying with a man who treats you and the other woman so despicably?

And why are you blaming her?

I know I would massively resent him, you are quite calm now. But imagine a day from hell where you need support from him and all he can think about is getting in her knickers, he'll blame you when he can't meet up with her. I know I'd be packing his bags and taking him for everything he's got. He has no respect for you.

OP I think you should tell him it's not acceptable to you, and if he wants her then he should leave and move in with her. See how he likes living with an alcoholic - I suspect her drunken helplessness will be less appealing then.

Personally I would want nothing more to do with him, but if what you're wanting is your husband back, then letting him go to her is a sure fire way to succeed.

Hi I'm probably going to be unpopular but I think we live in a period of time where appearances matter too much, where people are extremely worried about how things look and what people will think about them because otherwise everyone will judge you. We're all supposed to be perfect, women are supposed to be strong and uncompromising but you know what just do whatever you think is best for you and your family. Be as brave, forgiving, or unconventional as you please. It isn't an easy decision but to be honest it sounds like you can live with it (which btw isn't weak - it takes balls to accept that risk and give your husband that level of freedom). In your place I would care about him becoming emotionally involved with this other woman, and I'd also want a rule that says you are also free to take a lover (whether you want to our not, it should be equitable), I'd also consider whether there are other ways for him to find sexual comfort that are more acceptable to you, or that you can control or participate in to some degree. The fact that he's having sex with someone else wouldn't bother me too much - so long as it isn't an emotional thing I'd think of it like a weekly game with his tennis partner, but I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority! Hope this helps.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

That's a lie. You weren't there and have only the word of a man who you can no longer trust to go on.

To be blunt, tell him to go fuck himself. You and your children are worth so much more.

As a favourite saying on mumsnet, get your ducks in a row, bide your time, gather the bank accounts.

8And then right royally screw him over*

Leave him and his wilted penis behind with her.

See how he likes living with an alcoholic - I suspect her drunken helplessness will be less appealing then

He knows that, it's why he hasn't left. He prefers his comfortable, respectable home with a wife/ housekeeper. Then he can go and shag who is too drunk and vulnerable to challenge him or threaten him in any way.

Also, look at his reasoning he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway. I suspect part of the reason he has told the OP this is going on is to use it as leverage "if you don't have sex with me as much as I want you to, I'll have sex with someone else". In his mind, either she tolerates the affair, or she has more sex with him. He's misogynist scum, whichever way you cut it.

I'm speechless with horror at this thread. Absolutely no fucking way would I ever be putting up with this if it were me.

Likes her vulnerability, eh?

He raped her. Face up to it.

If he'd also been drunk he may have had some sort of excuse, but he wasn't. He was stone-cold sober and knew fine well that if she had been stone-cold sober too, he wouldn't have got the opportunity to have sex with her. He took advantage - full stop.

He has no scruples. He is cheating on you in plain sight and isn't even bothering to try and hide it. On the contrary. He is brazenly justifying it.

I think you need to pick your self respect up off the floor and dump his sorry arse.

No way on earth could I put up with any of this. Surely it is totally demeaning!

Another update, I don't know why I didn't mention it before, but there's a lot to get my head around here. But since it's been mentioned - she isn't married, but she's in a six-year relationship with her boyfriend, whom she doesn't live with. But it's a sexual relationship. That's another reason I had no suspicions as to her and my husband. Naive me, trusting people's decency.

She lives in the US, her boyfriend is in the US, she's here for a month because of the work project that she's working on with my husband.

Her boyfriend was supposed to visit and stay with her, but she pesuaded him not to. He still doesn't know.

She's going back next week, but will be back as she has a multiple-entry visa.

It's such a pity that MN does not allow responses to individual posts, there's much I'd like to say to many of you, thank you for the supportive messages, ideas of how to solve this situation (such as Bragadoccio's 50/50 scenario), understanding of what the problem really is, and even for the more vicious posts such as those blaming me for losing my self-respect in search for comfortable lifestyle. I don't agree with all of you, but every single post helps put things in perspective, so big thanks. I'm braced for more.

I think we ought to give the poor OP some breathing space this has only happened very recently and I expect shes in a shocked state.

But I think he's had fun and games in the past before this event it may not be much fun but I think that STI checks and some advice there from a medical professional would be well advised.

Then wait a will gather your thoughts and then decide what to do for the long term.

Poor OP and poor children involved:-(

Read the thread Justaboy. STI checks not necessary.

The OP is free to read, ignore, pay attention to any post as she sees fit but the danger in these situations is that if she sits around thinking about what to do in the long term then the moment of reaction has passed and it all becomes the new normal.