WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

Re. the youngest children, I would just tell them factually what is going to happen once you know for certain (e.g. Mummy and Daddy have done a lot of thinking and Daddy is going to live in a different house). Emphasise that it isn't their fault, as many children think they are somehow to blame.

Then just answer their questions as they come up. I wouldn't say anything about an affair or sex even to the eldest -if they ask 'why' I'd just say that you don't love each other anymore, or something along those lines. But usually, their questions are more about what the separation/divorce is going to mean for them - e.g. will they still see Daddy. Most children these days will have friends who have divorced parents, so it's an idea that your 9 and 11-year-old will probably already be familiar with.

Other than that, keep their routines as much the same as possible with minimal change. If change is necessary (e.g. you have to move house) try to make it a great adventure.

I've been through this twice. The first time with three very young children, we lost our home, etc. and it was very disruptive for them. My eldest son (6) took about 12 months to adjust, he really missed his friends and his bedroom. The second time, 20+ years later, we stayed in the same house, all our routines stayed the same. My then youngest children (second batch) were a little bit older than yours are now - the youngest was 9. They hardly registered dad moving out and there was no real upset/distress. They've never asked 'why' it happened (but I had a basic answer ready just in case they did).

I would end the marriage and stay co living if that's what suits your kids and I'd go out and find a bit on the side of it was me

This is horrible. The idea that the entire reason he was at her home in the first place was because her parents trusted him to look after her in a vulnerable state just turns my stomach. No matter what she may have said to him, he was supposed to be going into her home as someone she should have been safe with.

As for what I'd do? Leave that poor excuse for a man, and I certainly wouldn't keep the reason why a secret.

Oh dear god I'be heard it all now. Like he's doing you a fucking favour. What a knob.

You are better than this OP.

You deserve better than this OP.

GET ANGRY

We've got your back

Ngl I'd say he has rapist tendencies ...

But , if you want to stay with him for the stated reasons then do ... but open a bank account .. filter money and get your ducks in a row.
Keep evidence for if you ever want to divorce.
Do what you want to do but take from him what he has emotionally taken from you - if you eventually recover your relationship then you have a nice spending fund for yourself ... call it repetitions x

Also OP has every right to call this woman a bitch - she fucked her husband- and everyone of you would call her the same if she were fucking your husband.

I was married for over 20 years when I found out my husband was having internet affairshe was giving money to "woman" declaring his undying love etc...He broke my heart. The only thing he had going for him or so I thought was he was faithfulHe was a very hard man to live with. We had 5 kidsI was the sole provider and he didn't even babysitHe was very selfish and lazy, but he did love our kids. I was, unlike him very loyal, and even though I am considered very attractive, and my now ex-husband is not, I would never cheat on him. I still haven't and we've been divorced for 3 years. My kids are in their late teens /early 20'sWe married when I was 19.I was just shocked to find the online dating profiles and the internet texting affairs and the only reason he didn't physically cheat on me, is he would have a hard time finding a woman who would be attracted to him. He now begs me to come back, but the best thing I ever did was finally leaving him. He was never a good husband and the "cheating" was the last straw. You have to leave this man. He does not love you. You will waste all your years away waiting for the children to get older and you will end up with nothing I promise you. I know I could find someone easily, but its been too long and I don't want to get hurt again. You are allowing him to continue cheating with a bimbobelieve me and I can tell by your postit will just make you more and more bitterI was the same. Get him out of your life while you can, so you can have a life tooyour children will probably be happiermy kids always tell me now I should have left their Dad sooner. I now don't even know how to date and am very lonelymen try to get to know me from my pics on Facebook and in person, but I'm still not there yet after so long. Don't waste your lifeYou only have one. He does not deserve you!!!!!!!

KookieDoll, my x wasn't a barrister but he communicated like he was one. A poster up thread tells you that he can't argue black is white. I bet he can.

Boil your feelings right back to the bone. Find a concise statement to sum up your feelings and then use the dripping tap technique.

Like "This marriage ended for me when you slept with somebody else'' and don't be drawn in to too many philosophical discussions and interpretations of what constitutes infidelity. I can imagine him arguing black is white to wear you down and leave you feeling so unsure that you have the right to get turned off and to make the decision to draw a line.

My x had a habit of repeating my own words back to me but having given them a different meaning and we went on like that for years. He argued all of his own needs so successfully. A born barrister

Has it continued after the night she was drunk? If so and the woman is happy to continue, don't think there was any issues with consent and not rape like others are saying.

I'd leave, they are both as bad as each other.

You and your children deserve better.

OP you mention your daughter has ASD is your OH on the spectrum? He sounds like he sees this black and white, he doesn't lie just tells the truth and believes this is ok. Now I'm not going to stereotype but some of the best legal minds I know are on the spectrum. One of them has a photographic memory and no concept of empathy, which makes him a fantastic barrister, (criminal defence).

Although this wouldn't be a reason for you to accept the situation, it could be a reason why he is so matter of fact about it and doesn't see what all the fuss is about.

He would be out the door and I would take him to the cleaners. Disgusting behaviour to you and his tart.

OP if one of your daughters confided in you your post, what would your advice be to her?
No one would wish your situation on anyone and certainly not a loved one. Please do the right thing for you and your DC and tell him he needs to leave.

Brogadoccio and Nanna, this is so true, it's as if you knew him. He will argue black is white just to try to prove he's always right.

He might be on the spectrum too, we talked about it some time ago. Almost zero empathy, aphantasiac, set in his routines. It never caused us problems other than him grumbling if things at home were not run the way he was used to. Logic and efficiency always takes precedence over affection in his view.

Not easy to live with but intellectually stimulating, with very impressive knowledge and many talents. I was always drawn to brainy guys and he ticked all the boxes. Not that I'm dumb myself.

Tabithaa, it's continuing after her sobering up. She's more than happy to sleep with him, drunk or sober. She hasn't been drinking since their first night together.

Juler, I do sympathise with you, thank you for sharing your story. I hope you will sort out your emotional life, but now I know how it feels. The feeling that 'all men are the same' after someone you completely trusted deceived you like that is not easy to shake. Any thought of intimacy with any man makes me cringe.

Maybe I should dump him and move in with a woman.

For a brainy guy he's done some imbecilic things. He's nuked his life, and for what? He'll get tired of fucking an alcoholic and he'll wake up one day and discover he's lost his family.

Men are not all the same, it's just this one who is particularly revolting.

And it's not just you - we're all repulsed by him.

OP I really feel for you and I think it might help if you separate the issues.

1. Your H is effectively ending the basis of your marriage by deciding his infidelity is now OK. As almost every other poster has said, this is deeply disrespectful to you and will be an ongoing source of pain. No matter how you rationalise and disguise it to your DC, the ongoing pain and secrecy in your household will be massively damaging to them. You sound as if you will move to a separation and I think this is the best way to take back control and protect your DC from an ongoing situation which may well affect their mental health and play out in their own adult relationships.
2. Your H has chosen to betray you in a particularly disgusting way with someone who is vulnerable and damaged (and was your friend). This is not your problem. It underlines his total contempt for women but I think you need to keep your eye on the end of your marriage rather than the details of the betrayal ( easier said than done, I know),

My DH is on the spectrum. To my knowledge he has not been unfaithful but he has on occasion come out with some bizarre theories and interpretations of marriage. Being also in the law he can propose some really indefensible and hurtful ideas just for the enjoyment of the argument. It can be hard to live with.

Thinking of you

I think you should have an inward chuckle with yourself about how much he has overestimated his power over you. He has read this situation very badly.

It was me upthread that asked if you loved him and said how sordid this particular situation was. I think that is what i couldn't forgive and would be disgusted with. Honesty is not the top trumps of virtue and he has miscalculated this in an attempt the rationalise and justify his actions.

I don't think 'love' comes into it. If he's the sort of man I think...he'll rationalise that he's been faithful all this time, now it's his 'turn' and nobody could get upset at him finally having 'fun'. After all, his wife has had all those ecstatic years looking after him and the kids, now it's time for him to enjoy himself.
He's a selfish dick and even worse for assuming you'd be fine with it.

I hope your ok Kookie. I always think bank holidays are difficult. Take care x

Ohhh sweetheart, bless you.
Please please don't allow him to do this to you or your family.
It's not normal, it's not acceptable, it's not 'fair' to him just because you aren't having sex.

I know it seems that it would be better for your kids but if they ever found out (even as adults) it could harm them beyond your imagining.

Please please believe that you are worth more and are better than this. Don't let it happen.

Ohhh sweetheart, bless you.
Please please don't allow him to do this to you or your family.
It's not normal, it's not acceptable, it's not 'fair' to him just because you aren't having sex.

I know it seems that it would be better for your kids but if they ever found out (even as adults) it could harm them beyond your imagining.

Please please believe that you are worth more and are better than this. Don't let it happen.

Maybe I should dump him and move in with a woman.

What make you think they're totally trustworthy mine wasn't!

Haven't caught up today but this is in the Irish Mirror. Another fucking rag!

I've noticed a bit of a theme with OW being damsel in distress types that allow the cheating husband to play the knight in shining armour. I think it's this fantasy idea of themselves as a hero that they fall for rather than the OW for who they are.

Just classic ego feeding bullshit but they never see it til it's too late.

OP, get a SHL and divorce the fucker. I'd be amazed if you didn't get to at least keep the house so the kids wouldn't have to move.