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Original poster

Please give me advice. (sensitive subject)

490 replies

GlowWorm123 · 31/01/2017 11:02

I have recently found out I am pregnant, unplanned but DP knew we wasn't taking any contraception and happily had sex with me daily. I'd have this baby but he is desperate not too. Realistically, the best thing to do is to terminate but the circumstances we are facing aren't reasons to terminate in my opinion. I am really sorry if this offends anyone, i'm just desperate for advice and absolutely terrified.

If you've read my thread in Pregnancy Choices, you'll have read I had an awful doctors appointment and have been struggling to get advice anywhere. It still hasn't sunk in properly, I don't feel ready to be making such huge decisions that can potentially leave me with everlasting guilt.

DP has now booked me in for an abortion consultation on my behalf (I've never asked him too). He will be pretty much escorting me to my appointments, which I feel obliged to say that I want an abortion.

Is this even allowed? How can another person, make GP/Clinic appointments on behalf of another? What do I do Sad

OP posts:
mydietstartsmonday · 02/02/2017 19:29

Please don't have a termination. You don't want one and you want this baby. Dump him not the baby xxx

TeaCakeLiterature · 02/02/2017 21:46

Been thinking of you today - hope your appointment went ok and you're clearer about what you'd like to do

Original poster
GlowWorm123 · 02/02/2017 21:47

I thought I'd update you all whilst he showers. I had my appointment, it was better than I expected. They read my notes and I saw the receptionist alert the nurse of my note to not let him in. He stood up to come with me, the nurse said he wasn't allowed in, he kicked up a fuss but then went and sat down.

I had a consultation, the nurse was so lovely and reassuring. Completely the opposite to my DR. I explained my situation, she feels I should go to counselling first. I will be called tomorrow by the hospital to make a date - I will make one for four weeks time and tell him that's the earliest they have.

He took me out for dinner because he's "so proud of me for doing the right thing". This whole thing has made me notice how naive I am. It's a cycle, he upsets me and then takes me out for dinner or buys me a gift then everything is OK.

This may be the only chance I fall pregnant, the nurse agreed the chance is slim but I am fertile and it may happen again as abortion doesn't affect fertility. It still isn't a risk I'm willing to take. I want this baby.

I want to go home to my mum. Sad I feel pathetic, I'm grown and independent now, I just want her - she'll make it all OK.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlowWorm123 · 02/02/2017 21:47

tea thank you for thinking of me Flowers

OP posts:
OFFFS · 02/02/2017 22:13

Well done GlowWorm.

It's ok to need your mum. Doesn't matter how old you are. Being PG does that.

Maybe telling her will strengthen your resolve?

I think you can do this on your own.

TeaCakeLiterature · 02/02/2017 22:35

It's fine to go home to your mum - I think you'd be safer. He is clearly manipulating and trying to control you and I really feel for you and fear you being in this relationship.

You want your baby: have your baby. You're carrying it and it's your choice. You know you want it as you've said it and that you're willing to overcome obstacles....the one main obstacle is him and so maybe going to your mum is a bloody good idea.

RoseValleyRambles · 02/02/2017 22:42

You brave thing. Well done. Get some support, from friends and from family, to help you through.

TheCakes · 02/02/2017 23:00

I always think pregnancy brings strength and vulnerability in equal measures.
Go to your mum. She'll look after you. You should be proud of yourself. Flowers

gazingatthestars · 02/02/2017 23:07

Well done toi. You and this baby are going to be just fine - you're so strong and going to get even more so

ChocoChou · 02/02/2017 23:38

I've been watching this thread and thinking of you OP.
I really am pleased it went so well at the appointment... Now go to your mum! I always see my mum as my moral compass - once I tell her something and get her blessing I feel so much stronger. Good luck to you, you'll be a great mum if thats what you're going to choose :) Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/02/2017 00:05

Glowworm, I'm so happy that the appointment went the way it did.
And I have to agree that going home to your mum is a top plan.
Dump the bloke - he's not going to be happy if he finds out you won't have the termination - and while abortions shouldn't affect future fertility, sometimes they do if, for e.g., you get an infection afterwards (a rarity, but it can't be ignored completely).

Look up the terms of the Hague convention so you realise what you might be up against in terms of moving back to SA after the baby is born (if you continue with the pg), to say nothing of the added expense and paperwork and red tape of moving the baby once it's out, as opposed to while it's still in your belly (MUCH simpler!)

I think once you have some distance from this man, you'll look back on your relationship with clearer eyes and wonder why you put up with his controlling ways. But you need the distance.

Hope you decide to keep your baby, since that's really what you want to do (it's clear from your posts, I'm not telling you) - and yes, do go back to your parents. But get the key back from the boyfriend first!

NightWanderer · 03/02/2017 00:07

Good luck. Whatever you decide to do, do what feels right for you. I agree that perhaps it's time to talk to your mum but I worry about you. His abuse may escalate when he realizes you aren't so easy to control. Be careful. Flowers

Venusflytwat · 03/02/2017 00:15

Book a flight tomorrow and go. Just do it. Get a credit card to do it if you need to. This man isn't good to you and life is too short. You can work out your options once you're there.

iknowimcoming · 03/02/2017 00:18

You've done so well OP, now make plans to go back to your mum secretly, book flights etc sort banks etc, get locks changed before you leave and pack (d)p's stuff and either leave it on the doorstep with a note once youve gone or drop it at his place when he's out. You've bought yourself some valuable time and whilst he thinks you're cooperating he shouldn't be too suspicious so use it to your advantage and get out whilst you can. Good luck Flowers

AllTheGlitters · 03/02/2017 00:19

Oh you poor thing Flowers

Really, really well done for having the courage to do what you have done. I think you know in your heart that you can't have an abortion have an, from what you have said you will regret it for the rest of your life.

You are capable and willing to have this baby, and that is all that matters. Forget him, the baby deserves you as a mother. He does not deserve you as a partner.

Also, never ever be ashamed to want to go to your mum, it's exactly what you should do in this situation, never feel like you shouldn't rely on your support network just because you are an adult. You will always be her daughter.

Please get continue to get support from us here as well as women's aid and your mum, you can do this and you can do this without him. To be honest you may want to start thinking about your antenatal care too. Have your baby and live your life the way you want to Flowers

AvaCrowder · 03/02/2017 00:41

Whilst I agree with the others, get back to sa and your mum. No way would I have this pricks baby. Have a baby with somebody really nice and kind to you.

AllTheGlitters · 03/02/2017 00:52

Ava I agree it would be best for the OP to ideally have a baby who was basically anyone but her (hopefully ex) DP, she clearly wants to keep her baby and shouldn't be pressured into an unwanted termination, I think that's why people are being extra supportive about her keeping her pregnancy, because we sense that he may be willing to pressure her into a life changing decision without her real consent :)

ohfourfoxache · 03/02/2017 00:55

You sound absolutely amazing GlowWorm. You're strong, you're capable and you're beginning to see this "man" for exactly what he is.

You're going to make a fabulous mummy Thanks

AvaCrowder · 03/02/2017 02:22

Alltheglitters Cool I do agree, but I'd get rid of the awful man. I'm a bit older and I see these threads as my dds and then I get really annoyed.

Original poster
GlowWorm123 · 03/02/2017 07:29

You guys have really made me smile this morning. It's been amazing to find strength from your posts. I've read my OP back, even then my head was so clouded by him and it was pretty much his words being typed out by me.

I'm going through the motions to keep him off my back, but he's so awful right now. I've had bad sickness and spent the first twenty minutes this morning heaving (i've taken this as my little baby is saying they're growing healthy! Grin. Lovely DP said i'm attention seeking and that 'sickness doesn't start till 14 weeks at least so I better get up'' Followed by the hospital will call you today, if it isn't booked in within 5 days we're going private'.

I'm normally very closed and private but it feels easier to tell (you lovely, amazing) strangers that I am in an abusive relationship, which you all probably picked up on, but this is the end of it. I think my plan today is speak to work, to my mum and get my ducks lined up. I want to go home and tell my mum and be safe, i'm her only daughter and I know she was secretly a bit gutted when I found out about my potential fertility issues but she never showed it.

Now to do all this without him having any idea or finding out Shock

OP posts:
Gallavich · 03/02/2017 07:32

Where has he got the idea that sickness starts at 14 weeks?

Original poster
GlowWorm123 · 03/02/2017 07:42

I'm not sure. I didn't ask. He does have 1 DC from a previous relationship, so he knows everything about pregnancy already! There's nothing he doesn't know according to him. Hmm I don't ever ask him questions.

OP posts:
acatcalledjohn · 03/02/2017 07:52

So glad for you the appointment went well! Still very shocked and irrationally angry at your 'D'P since his "teaching you a lesson" comment.

He then continued by kicking off in the clinic when he was told he couldn't come in, he tells you your sickness is attention seeking (I'm guessing he never saw his ex when she was pregnant?), and that he intends to go private if the appointment doesn't happen within 5 days.

If you want to hide your escape planning, go to a private clinic with him should it take that long, and use one of the previously suggested ways of alerting the staff.

The other thing I can think about is, if you are able to have a friend stay with you for a few days, get them to help you change the locks and simply bite the bullet and tell him in the presence of said friend that you will not abort your baby.

You sound much stronger already.

Flowers
PotteringAlong · 03/02/2017 07:55
Flowers

Here's to the rest of your, and your babies, lives.

TheHobbitMum · 03/02/2017 07:59

Glow, absolutely go to your mum! Have they baby there not here and enjoy being a mum. You cannot have an abortion when you desperately don't want one. He sounds utterly awful! If need be book a flight for when he is at work and go without him knowing. The house can be rented out/taken care of at a later date (get locks changed before you go), good luck you deserve every happiness x

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