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Original poster

Please give me advice. (sensitive subject)

490 replies

GlowWorm123 · 31/01/2017 11:02

I have recently found out I am pregnant, unplanned but DP knew we wasn't taking any contraception and happily had sex with me daily. I'd have this baby but he is desperate not too. Realistically, the best thing to do is to terminate but the circumstances we are facing aren't reasons to terminate in my opinion. I am really sorry if this offends anyone, i'm just desperate for advice and absolutely terrified.

If you've read my thread in Pregnancy Choices, you'll have read I had an awful doctors appointment and have been struggling to get advice anywhere. It still hasn't sunk in properly, I don't feel ready to be making such huge decisions that can potentially leave me with everlasting guilt.

DP has now booked me in for an abortion consultation on my behalf (I've never asked him too). He will be pretty much escorting me to my appointments, which I feel obliged to say that I want an abortion.

Is this even allowed? How can another person, make GP/Clinic appointments on behalf of another? What do I do Sad

OP posts:
insan1tyscartching · 31/01/2017 11:36

Could you phone and ask that your file be noted that you don't want your partner at the appointment? It would then give them the chance to mark uour notes to ensure he was kept in the waiting room by quoting some "policy" whether or not it exists.

Original poster
GlowWorm123 · 31/01/2017 11:38

buttered I did book an appointment with my GP, he was horrendous. Truly awful. He told me that the lady before me had been in due to fertility issues and now i'm in asking for advice on a termination. His words were 'you should count yourself lucky' I started to cry, as I got up to leave he said 'don't cry in front of the patients in MY reception' I posted an earlier thread regarding him. After I've got through this, i'm planning to complain.

Just to clarify, he hasn't made an appointment with my GP (my surgery doesn't allow that) he's made an appointment with a local sexual health centre.

OP posts:
Butteredpars1ps · 31/01/2017 11:43

Right well firstly GP is bang out of order. You need to find another GP and consider making a formal complaint.

Secondly, I would follow advice above and phone SH clinic and ask that you are seen alone.

Good Luck Flowers

acatcalledjohn · 31/01/2017 11:44

He told me that the lady before me had been in due to fertility issues and now i'm in asking for advice on a termination. His words were 'you should count yourself lucky' I started to cry, as I got up to leave he said 'don't cry in front of the patients in MY reception'

ShockAngry

Don't leave that complaint too long. The sooner the better. It is my understanding that if a GP does not refer for abortions, they should refer you to a GP who can possibly help.

Not to mention his lack of patient confidentiality there. Chances are you saw that lady leave and you could have known her. So a double complaint.

Afreshstartplease · 31/01/2017 11:46

When I had a consultation no one was allowed in with me for this reason

MWM · 31/01/2017 11:47

Op you need to get the hell out of this relationship.

Only YOU can decide if you want to keep the baby. Although I'm not sure if it is a good idea to have this mans child, it is completely your choice.

user1485706893 · 31/01/2017 11:52

If you can't do anything but let your partner in the room with you, tell the nurse that you want him to leave and they'll make him go. You can also tell them about the situation and hopefully they'll be able to help you. Don't be forced into a termination, your partner sounds so horrid and abusive x x

OFFFS · 31/01/2017 11:58

The only person who can make the decision is you.

You are the one that has to live with that decision. No one else.

You sound scared of him and the fall out. And you sound as though you are being coerced into an abortion you don't want.

It's time to be brave and stand up for yourself. Face the fall out. It's all you can do.

(FWIW I've been where you are).

MrsEvadneCake · 31/01/2017 12:09

I attended BPAS within the last twelve months and the first part of the consultation is on your own. They ask you if you are at risk of violence or if you are being pressured or are scared of your partner.

Waltermittythesequel · 31/01/2017 12:12

Contact the clinic and tell them you want him kept outside.

PotteringAlong · 31/01/2017 12:21

Ring the clinic before hand and ask them to tell him to leave the first bit of the appointment? It won't be the first or the last time they will have had to do it and the it's their decision not yours?

Ineededtonamechange · 31/01/2017 12:28

Pottering has a good suggestion. If you warn the clinic beforehand that there are issues then they may be able to make him leave whilst making it seem like policy rather than you.

PurpleDaisies · 31/01/2017 12:28

I thought it was a gp appointment-they're a bit variable in whether they make you do part of the consultation alone but sexual health clinics are usually better.

SharpLily · 31/01/2017 12:40

As I understand it you won't be given an abortion without counselling these days, designed to make sure you know what you are doing and really want to go through with it. You don't, so he won't be able to 'force' an abortion on you whether he likes it or not. Furthermore, the staff at sexual health centres have seen it all before and should have enough sensitivity to work out what's going on even before it gets to that stage. I think, unless you're the best actress in the world, it will be pretty obvious to them that you don't really want this and that he is pulling the strings.

Oh, and he sounds appalling, get away from him as soon as possible.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/01/2017 13:29

OMG - leave this controlling wanker! HE didn't want to use protection, and now he's expecting YOU to clean up after his "mistake"?!

It's YOUR body. He can NOT force you to have an abortion, that's not an option. You can refuse at any point to go ahead with it. If you have fears for your safety, then you MUST somehow let whichever healthcare professional you get to see by yourself KNOW this.

Your relationship is doomed however this plays out - if he forces you to choose an abortion and you go ahead with it against your own wishes, you're going to resent and probably hate him forever. If you have the baby, he's probably going to leave you (at best).

So - dump him now, decide BY YOURSELF if you want the baby or not, and go from there.

Original poster
GlowWorm123 · 31/01/2017 14:28

Thank you all for your replies and advice. I'm on hold to the sexual health service now to get a note put on my file that I want appointments on my own.

It probably isn't the right time and he is right, but that doesn't take away the maternal feelings that get stronger each day. He just doesn't understand Sad

There's a few local BPAS clinics near me, hopefully thats where I'll go. I've heard nice things about them.

OP posts:
littlewoollypervert · 31/01/2017 14:36

I saw a suggestion on another thread that may help - bring a small note with you "I am here under coercion and need help, I do not want a termination, please discreetly get my "partner" out of the room so that we can discuss my options properly without pressure" - you can hand it over to the receptionist, nurse, doctor - whenever you get a chance - just to doubly ensure you get to have your appointment on your own.

OFFFS · 31/01/2017 14:48

In all honesty Glowworm, if we all thought long and hard about it there never would be a right time.

Stating the obvious I know, but if he was that against it he would have taken responsibility for contraception. He is treating abortion as a form of contraception.

I would guess that if you do this because he is making you, your days as a couple are numbered anyway. Better to take responsibility for your own life now, whether you continue with the pregnancy or not.

Original poster
GlowWorm123 · 31/01/2017 14:48

littlewoollypervert that's amazing. thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlowWorm123 · 31/01/2017 14:49

OFFFS exactly my thoughts, the reasons for terminating are valid but not obstacles I can't overcome. No matter the time in my life, it would never be a perfect time.

OP posts:
heateallthebuns · 31/01/2017 14:59

You need to stand up to him and also dump him. Why would you want to be with someone who wants to force you into this.

OFFFS · 31/01/2017 15:14

GlowWorm, I've done both. Both times I did what was right for me. I have been able to live with myself because of that.

You have to be able to live with it. No one else. You.

Meandyouandyouandme · 31/01/2017 15:21

When I went to a Marie Stopes clinic, I had to go in for the consultation on my own. They would not let my partner in with me, this is a strict policy. Don't tell him you know that he won't be able to come in with you.

TeaCakeLiterature · 31/01/2017 15:37

As everyone else has said: this is YOUR body and you are now carrying your child, of course your maternal instincts will be kicking in! I really feel for you!

As others have said, there's never a right time and there'll always be obstacles to overcome - so you need to decide whether you're happy to do that or not, and whether you're happy to terminate or whether you'll live to regret that irreversible decision.

Whatever you decide, this man does NOT sound like someone who is valuing and respecting you at all and I would be running for the hills!

HelpMeHelpDS · 31/01/2017 15:44

Op, your husband is bang out of order. What was he thinking of, having sex with you without contraception, only to then insist YOU abort YOUR baby? To put you through this emotional hell is just awful.

I would be almost as concerned about his comfort in treating you this way, as I would be knowing someone has doubts and is being pushed into something so huge, against their will. Stand strong, you will have to live with this, not him. And imagine if you do it to please him and then breakup? You need to separate him from your decision making, for your own sake.

I wish you well Flowers

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