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Original poster

Please give me advice. (sensitive subject)

490 replies

GlowWorm123 · 31/01/2017 11:02

I have recently found out I am pregnant, unplanned but DP knew we wasn't taking any contraception and happily had sex with me daily. I'd have this baby but he is desperate not too. Realistically, the best thing to do is to terminate but the circumstances we are facing aren't reasons to terminate in my opinion. I am really sorry if this offends anyone, i'm just desperate for advice and absolutely terrified.

If you've read my thread in Pregnancy Choices, you'll have read I had an awful doctors appointment and have been struggling to get advice anywhere. It still hasn't sunk in properly, I don't feel ready to be making such huge decisions that can potentially leave me with everlasting guilt.

DP has now booked me in for an abortion consultation on my behalf (I've never asked him too). He will be pretty much escorting me to my appointments, which I feel obliged to say that I want an abortion.

Is this even allowed? How can another person, make GP/Clinic appointments on behalf of another? What do I do Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
GlowWorm123 · 01/02/2017 14:36

I think what I plan to do is talking to the nurse, explain my situation and how DP is with me and asked to be referred but not the first available one, one for say four weeks time (at least i'll have a date booked) and tell him that was the first available one. That will give me more thinking time and shut him up for a while.

I'm not sure whether to contact my parents, they'll be ecstatic i'm pregnant and want me to keep it and equally heartbroken if I don't; it's not something i'm sure of dragging them in too. I could go back to South Africa, have their support and be away from him. I planned to do that anyway just not so soon. It seems appealing right now.

OP posts:
OFFFS · 01/02/2017 14:43

It's time to stop thinking about him and start thinking about what you want.

Deranger01 · 01/02/2017 14:43

it's really odd op, my DH is adamant we wouldn't have another child, but if I got pregnant he'd never book me an appointment and intimidate me into an abortion, he sounds an appalling specimen of a person. The only lesson you should learn is to consider what you want first of all and un-invite him. If you're too scared to un-invite him yourself, doesn't that speak volumes?

Original poster
GlowWorm123 · 01/02/2017 15:05

He actually hasn't even asked me what I want to do or how I feel about the situation. These are the reasons he's given as to why he doesn't want it.

  • We don't live together
  • He wants us to go on more holidays together
  • We haven't been together long enough
  • My car is only 3 door & i'd need a 5 door Hmm
  • it isn't fair on any of us
  • he's not ready for a new baby

To me, these aren't reasons to abort a baby. I'm sensible, mature and I work very hard and earn a decent salary. He is very well off and older than me but even without his help i'd be OK.

After tomorrows appointment I will leave. I have too.

OP posts:
Deranger01 · 01/02/2017 15:56

the last reason is the only reason he really means I expect. He just doesn't want the hassle. That doesn't mean that you don't Op. I don't like the way he's trying to intimidate you into a choice either way.

OFFFS · 01/02/2017 16:32

Do you want to continue with the pregnancy and have a baby?

Have you even thought about this in terms that aren't about his wants and desires?

Original poster
GlowWorm123 · 01/02/2017 16:49

I'm getting attached, every day my symptoms get stronger and whilst the situation isn't ideal, I think I want to keep it. I think if/when I'm allowed to see the ultrasound I'll know for sure I want to keep it then.

OP posts:
jazzandh · 01/02/2017 19:31

I live in my parents house, he has his own flat but stays with me every night except when he has his DC.

speaks volumes

OFFFS · 01/02/2017 19:40

You'll know GlowWorm.

I just didn't get out of bed. I knew, I knew all along in my heart. I was just going through the process for the sake of the father and kidding myself it was something I could do.

Moonywormtailpadfootprongs · 01/02/2017 19:43

He has equal say in whether or not he wants to be a parent, as it was equal effort and callousness.

Yes it is your body and you should not be bullied into any decision... but he still gets to have an input. Obviously it's not what you want, it sounds like you would like to keep the baby.

If that is the case, end the relationship and start planning your life for yourself and baby.

You should not be pressured into terminating.

Gallavich · 01/02/2017 19:58

If you want the baby then get the fuck out of this country asap to your parents. If you have his baby here, no matter that he tried to coerce you into abortion, he will have the right to stop you from taking the baby to South Africa to live ever, or possibly even to stop you taking the baby on holiday if he can convince a judge you are a flight risk. You know he's a controlling shit so don't hand him ammunition.

Autumnsunshinebaby · 01/02/2017 20:01

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you. Please try and get your house keys back from him as you leave. It might make you feel safer later on.

averylongtimeago · 01/02/2017 20:18

He sounds horrible, OP, and you sound frightened of him. Yes he probably has some good points, few people are completely bad, but he should be supporting you, not bullying you.
Is that really the sort of person you want to be with long term?

Only you can, or should, decide if you want to keep your baby. To me, you sound like you do want to keep it. Take the advice of pp' s and see the hcp on your own and don't be bullied into a decision you don't want.

SharpLily · 01/02/2017 20:21

"this is something he clearly feels strongly about"

But not strongly enough to make sure he used contraception!

Deranger01 · 01/02/2017 20:22

although a man that doesn't want the baby is hardly likely to turn around and start demanding custody unless he's totally mad (which I wouldn't rule out from the way he's intimidating op). It's your decision. He has an input, he's given his views, but you are the one that walks the walk so it's always the woman's last word.

Deranger01 · 01/02/2017 20:23

i'll say this too op - from his list of points, he doesn't seem like he'd ever want a baby, so if that's something that's important to you at any point, i'd look for a new relationship. His list reads like he's done with kids.

IsFeidirLiom · 01/02/2017 20:50

I commented on your other thread.

Why were you sleeping together daily and using no protection?? Yea I know it's not the time or place but seriously that is so fucked up. This was not an accident this was inevitable.

Original poster
GlowWorm123 · 02/02/2017 14:37

Feidir Thanks for telling me how my situation is so fucked up. I have a blocked fallopian tube & severe endometriosis. I've not been on contraception for three years and never fallen pregnant until now. More than one doctor has told me it may be a struggle to conceive. I genuinely never thought it would happen. Discussions with DP were 'not now, maybe in the future but if arises we'll deal with it The words abortion never came into it if I accidently fell pregnant. . I never expected to be pressured into an abortion.

It wasn't just as simple as having sex and not using protection!

OP posts:
HelpMeHelpDS · 02/02/2017 15:53

Crikey, OP. All the more reason to definitely stand firm and not be pushed into a termination. This could be your one and only chance! Of course it also might not be, but I see the very real risk as I've known people personally who thought they had forever, and when the convenient time came to actually try for a baby, this time they couldn't get pregnant, which as you can imagine, added to their already deepest regret.

balence49 · 02/02/2017 19:06

You can do this op, without him sounds far easier than with him. But don't for one second think you can't do this.

GlitteryFluff · 02/02/2017 19:10

I agree with help. Even more reason to keep the baby. Do it on your own if needs be. Many women do every day. Please don't have an abortion through pressure. Please.

GlitteryFluff · 02/02/2017 19:20

And did you have your appointment today? How did it go?

LilQueenie · 02/02/2017 19:22

dump him NOW.

TheBuggerlugs · 02/02/2017 19:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

AyD0 · 02/02/2017 19:29

He had sex with you knowing you weren't on contraception what did he think would happen ? Leave him and make your own choice x